Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you wanted a FWB scenario and so did he. It ended. Big whoop! You are a divorcee and your marriage to the father of your three kids did not work out. I am sure that was a bigger disappointment than some guy you are boinking for 6 months calling it quits.

He was just not into you and neither were you into him. You both were each others pandemic fuzkbuddies. Its not so deep. Seriously.

Op here: I do not have 3 kids. Not that if matters now but I wanted to cancel my wedding and then divorce immediately. I had family pressure to stay and hand an accidental pregnancy. No, my divorce was easy. My marriage was always a miserable horrible mistake. No disappointment whatsoever. Just relieved and sad I did not get out at the beginning like I wanted. ExH and I were never in love and never meant to be. No connection ever. Just a stupid mistake that ruined me being able to start over.

This is very disappointing. I felt something for this guy and thought it could be long term. I do not need or want the legal or financial entanglements of remarriage.

It did not feel at all like a FWB situation at all. He was crying when he broke it off: he is not happy about it and says as recently as 2 days ago that he misses me a lot. He said he was getting serious and afraid of getting deeper.

OP. The bolded is the lie that you need to grab by the bull horns and tackle down to the mofo ground. It is a lie, and only as powerful as your belief in it. Learn the truth about yourself and your value, and how some mistakes, losses and seeming misfortune build respectable character, compassion, wisdom, honor, loyalty, mercy. You are only ruined if you ruin yourself. No circumstance can control how you choose to respond to it. I hope 2021 reveals that beautiful parts of you that are NOT ruined, and are sitting and waiting patiently to be watered and nurtured with YOUR self care, so those seeds can bloom beautifully.

You never know who may stop and smell those blooms! 😊

OP here: this scenario exactly proves my bolded statement...there is no way to truly start over like I wanted to being divorced with kids. I have accepted I will never be able marry or have children with someone I actually wanted to do that with. A series of mistakes and pressure led to a bad marriage and unplanned kids—I was planning a divorce before a shock positive pregnancy.

I asked many times if a long term bf/gf situation was ok. I was not expecting family knowing....if it became serious later, maybe but not now. That is why I am disappointed. And this happening is evidence that the statement in bold is 100% accurate.

DP here. Good lord OP, you don't get a do over for creating a family. You need to find a way to stop viewing your children as part of mistake for which you've decided that you're not culpable. You're responsible for this on so many levels. It's crazy for you to think that this man should be satisfied with a secret relationship, foregoing marriage and children for the rest of his life because it works best for you. Of course his family doesn't want that for him. He sounds very immature to have been manipulated by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you wanted a FWB scenario and so did he. It ended. Big whoop! You are a divorcee and your marriage to the father of your three kids did not work out. I am sure that was a bigger disappointment than some guy you are boinking for 6 months calling it quits.

He was just not into you and neither were you into him. You both were each others pandemic fuzkbuddies. Its not so deep. Seriously.

Op here: I do not have 3 kids. Not that if matters now but I wanted to cancel my wedding and then divorce immediately. I had family pressure to stay and hand an accidental pregnancy. No, my divorce was easy. My marriage was always a miserable horrible mistake. No disappointment whatsoever. Just relieved and sad I did not get out at the beginning like I wanted. ExH and I were never in love and never meant to be. No connection ever. Just a stupid mistake that ruined me being able to start over.

This is very disappointing. I felt something for this guy and thought it could be long term. I do not need or want the legal or financial entanglements of remarriage.

It did not feel at all like a FWB situation at all. He was crying when he broke it off: he is not happy about it and says as recently as 2 days ago that he misses me a lot. He said he was getting serious and afraid of getting deeper.

OP. The bolded is the lie that you need to grab by the bull horns and tackle down to the mofo ground. It is a lie, and only as powerful as your belief in it. Learn the truth about yourself and your value, and how some mistakes, losses and seeming misfortune build respectable character, compassion, wisdom, honor, loyalty, mercy. You are only ruined if you ruin yourself. No circumstance can control how you choose to respond to it. I hope 2021 reveals that beautiful parts of you that are NOT ruined, and are sitting and waiting patiently to be watered and nurtured with YOUR self care, so those seeds can bloom beautifully.

You never know who may stop and smell those blooms! 😊

OP here: this scenario exactly proves my bolded statement...there is no way to truly start over like I wanted to being divorced with kids. I have accepted I will never be able marry or have children with someone I actually wanted to do that with. A series of mistakes and pressure led to a bad marriage and unplanned kids—I was planning a divorce before a shock positive pregnancy.

I asked many times if a long term bf/gf situation was ok. I was not expecting family knowing....if it became serious later, maybe but not now. That is why I am disappointed. And this happening is evidence that the statement in bold is 100% accurate.

DP here. Good lord OP, you don't get a do over for creating a family. You need to find a way to stop viewing your children as part of mistake for which you've decided that you're not culpable. You're responsible for this on so many levels. It's crazy for you to think that this man should be satisfied with a secret relationship, foregoing marriage and children for the rest of his life because it works best for you. Of course his family doesn't want that for him. He sounds very immature to have been manipulated by you.

Exactly. Her barriers for starting over is - her age and manipulativeness. Probably is terrible to look at too because she sure is ugly to read.
Unplanned kids? Was she a handmaiden in Gilead without access to BC? I hope her ex is reading this thread. He dodged a toxic bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you wanted a FWB scenario and so did he. It ended. Big whoop! You are a divorcee and your marriage to the father of your three kids did not work out. I am sure that was a bigger disappointment than some guy you are boinking for 6 months calling it quits.

He was just not into you and neither were you into him. You both were each others pandemic fuzkbuddies. Its not so deep. Seriously.

Op here: I do not have 3 kids. Not that if matters now but I wanted to cancel my wedding and then divorce immediately. I had family pressure to stay and hand an accidental pregnancy. No, my divorce was easy. My marriage was always a miserable horrible mistake. No disappointment whatsoever. Just relieved and sad I did not get out at the beginning like I wanted. ExH and I were never in love and never meant to be. No connection ever. Just a stupid mistake that ruined me being able to start over.

This is very disappointing. I felt something for this guy and thought it could be long term. I do not need or want the legal or financial entanglements of remarriage.

It did not feel at all like a FWB situation at all. He was crying when he broke it off: he is not happy about it and says as recently as 2 days ago that he misses me a lot. He said he was getting serious and afraid of getting deeper.

OP. The bolded is the lie that you need to grab by the bull horns and tackle down to the mofo ground. It is a lie, and only as powerful as your belief in it. Learn the truth about yourself and your value, and how some mistakes, losses and seeming misfortune build respectable character, compassion, wisdom, honor, loyalty, mercy. You are only ruined if you ruin yourself. No circumstance can control how you choose to respond to it. I hope 2021 reveals that beautiful parts of you that are NOT ruined, and are sitting and waiting patiently to be watered and nurtured with YOUR self care, so those seeds can bloom beautifully.

You never know who may stop and smell those blooms! 😊

OP here: this scenario exactly proves my bolded statement...there is no way to truly start over like I wanted to being divorced with kids. I have accepted I will never be able marry or have children with someone I actually wanted to do that with. A series of mistakes and pressure led to a bad marriage and unplanned kids—I was planning a divorce before a shock positive pregnancy.

I asked many times if a long term bf/gf situation was ok. I was not expecting family knowing....if it became serious later, maybe but not now. That is why I am disappointed. And this happening is evidence that the statement in bold is 100% accurate.

DP here. Good lord OP, you don't get a do over for creating a family. You need to find a way to stop viewing your children as part of mistake for which you've decided that you're not culpable. You're responsible for this on so many levels. It's crazy for you to think that this man should be satisfied with a secret relationship, foregoing marriage and children for the rest of his life because it works best for you. Of course his family doesn't want that for him. He sounds very immature to have been manipulated by you.

There was no manipulation. I asked early if my status was a problem. I said I did not want to get in the way if he wanted kids. He assured me it was okay. I was hesitant. He pursued me. I am surprised he did not expect that family reaction. I did not see the point if not at a serious point. He said repeatedly he did not want to marry and have a family at this age...but then he started to feel serious about me.

No manipulativeness at play.

Lucky for you that you did not experience a birth control fail twice. I did. Abortion was not an option. There was no action between the kids or after. The agreement before the marriage was no kids—we could not agree on how to raise them before marriage. It was just not the plan.

[Anonymous]

OP here again: if you read you can see I said my marriage was a mistake to starting over. I had major doubts and should not have gone through with it...I had family pressure and then pressure to “give it another year”—that is how an accident happened (one time in a long time) and me getting married with doubts and staying too long is what prevented the do-over I wanted then. I said I know that is not possible now.

I was upfront about my status. There was nothing manipulative. He said he wanted the same thing and did not expect a backlash that bad (which seems naive to me personally). If he truly does not want kids in his 40s, which he said multiple times, I do not know why I came up in casual conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like an Indian. You dodged a bullet. Nothing wrong with Indian men, but if someone's family is so dead set against you without even knowing you, I promise you that doesn't bode well for the future.

Could also be from any conservative culture.

[Anonymous]

What advice are you looking for, OP? Do you really want a 40-year old man who will dance so easily to his family’s tunes? Do you think there might be a reason he’s still single?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What advice are you looking for, OP? Do you really want a 40-year old man who will dance so easily to his family’s tunes? Do you think there might be a reason he’s still single?

I asked if I dodged a bullet. Yes, I think there is a reason he is still single—now. He does not want to rock the boat even if he rarely sees them. He has never introduced a woman to them ever. I think this is a him problem. His parents do not know and never knew about any girlfriend. Only some siblings who are not local. I think he can’t deal with family pressure of any kind.

If he reaches out again, it will be hard for me not to try again. Things were great. I guess I want someone to say either (1) forget it completely even if he wants to reconnect or (2) give it another try with caution.

[Anonymous]

This happened to a friend (with no divorce/kids) with an Afghani boyfriend who was a few years younger than her. Family flipped its lid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a friend (with no divorce/kids) with an Afghani boyfriend who was a few years younger than her. Family flipped its lid.

OP here: I know this stuff. Not surprised in the least. Which is why I am in complete shock he was shocked at the reaction. Which is why—unless we were super serious and talking marriage—I am surprised he did not know it would not be okay. I knew. There was no reason to say a word if we were bf/gf and he is not looking to marry and have kids—which he says he does not want at this point in life. Conservative families—including mine—do not need to know unless marriage is a consideration. I think it was naive of him not to know this. He is not happy about ending it but does not want to deal with them harassing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.

Are you saying you wanted to date him long term but never wanted him to tell his family?

Yes. Because I would not tell my family either. They would not accept it. I see no reason to tell family unless marriage is on the table. I have always felt this way...even in my 20s. Our families are not local and limited in person visits. A couple of times a year. Family never needed to know. Friends, fine. Local people, fine. Family? No.

I mean you are already divorced. Why would they not accept a new relationship?

-Indian woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.

Are you saying you wanted to date him long term but never wanted him to tell his family?

Yes. Because I would not tell my family either. They would not accept it. I see no reason to tell family unless marriage is on the table. I have always felt this way...even in my 20s. Our families are not local and limited in person visits. A couple of times a year. Family never needed to know. Friends, fine. Local people, fine. Family? No.

I mean you are already divorced. Why would they not accept a new relationship?

-Indian woman

OP here: Religion. (Even though I am not religious). I am sure my family expects me to be celibate for life. I am not planning to remarry. I had a sexless marriage. I am not staying sexless forever. No one needs to know about a boyfriend I am sleeping with...especially the religious difference. They also would not want a “strange man” around my kids. Unless I am married, my private life is private. They live far away...no good can come of then knowing. The same as the man I was seeing.

[Anonymous]

You dodged a bullet. Mommy said no, he tucked in his tail and ran.

Find a real grown up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You dodged a bullet. Mommy said no, he tucked in his tail and ran.

Find a real grown up.

His parents don’t know. Just a couple of siblings! This has to be dodging a bullet. I think he will have the same issue with almost anyone else (even not divorced).

[Anonymous]

He's not your person. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Block him and run. Very fast.