Reverse roles not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried leaving him to-do lists everyday? What if he went back to school to get a certificate or mgmt degree. At least then the kids would see him being useful. Also why does your nanny work 60 hours a week instead of 40? I hope you are not exploiting her.

Yes, she sounds fabulous and irreplaceable. Hope she is being paid very, very well.

Op
Our nanny is paid well and treated well
We helped her to get her green card and then her US citizenship
We also employ her different family members for all the extra yard work etc which she coordinates
She’s a valuable and highly valued member of our family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have a nanny with a stand-at-home parent? That makes no sense? DH needs to step it up, big time. I'd never put up with such attitude.

She’s been with us for ten years, since our oldest was born.
DH was trying to do a start up and that fizzled so we never really talked about.
Our DCs go to two different schools and I used to travel for work so it’s just one of those things, it’s a luxury to have her but honestly she’s much more reliable than DH!

Your husband is lazy. The only reason he had a job before was the structure. The lack of structure of being a SAP is not good for him. I think you're better off sending him back to work even for meager $ and paying another nanny to pick up his tiny slack at home if you need it. Literally, his pay could go to the other nanny/helper. I know it sounds crazy, but he needs something to do, and someone to tell him and that is a JOB. Otherwise, keeping him on track, occupied and contributing will be yours. You'll have to manage your husband to get him take responsibility in the house. Do you need a second job, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with the advice to see a divorce lawyer just to get an overview of your options. It's not clear from your posts if you've seen an individual therapist just for you. If not, find one. You need to figure out what you want. Do you feel any love and affection for your husband? Do you want the marriage to work? Imagine he starting pulling his weight, does that look like a life you'd want? If not, you need to give your husband some notice that you want a divorce and he needs to find a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH isn't great about many things, but he is perfectly capable of arranging kid activities.

ONe kid does soccer and we trade off who takes her. ONe kid does rock climbing and DH always takes him (because he also does it) and arranges rock clibming activities with other dads.


We have a sociable street and the kids play with neighbors,


If I"m honest, he is much better at the parent/friend thing than I am. I work a lot, dont seem to fit too well with the sahm crowd, and my kid's social life is not my #1 consideratiaon. They have friends, school (well, not right now), activities, they are fine.

And to the OP, you will have to pay him child support if you divorce him. Not sure why you need a nanny if all kids are at school, but I could see a housekeeping if you had a DH like that. Or a household manager.

Sorry about your situation, A lot of men are not cut out for it. I note extreme differences between DH and myself in terms of being able to manage multiple tasks--like, if I'm waiting for the coffee to brew, I'll do the dishes, if I'm on a call, I'll fold some laundry. Whenever there is 'in between' time he sits around with his phone. It takes me 30minutes to get 4 courses on the table, it takes him an HOUR. because he cannot multi task.

OP
As an older WOHM I definitely struggle with the social stuff. I don’t have the time or interest to spend with a lot of the school moms, and they’re not interested in me, but DH could at least join a committee so to demonstrate that we’re a supportive family that wants to be included.

Yes I agree I’m wildly efficient and always moving around and anticipating what will need to be done next.
DH is the opposite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work

Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school.

This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change.

His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy.

He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent.

Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change.
We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more!

I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas?
Thanks

Here's your answer. Since he's not pulling his weight as a SAHD and he doesn't sound happy doing it anyway, I would encourage him to go back to work just for his own happiness level. See if that changes anything about your relationship for the better. If it doesn't, then pull the plug. A divorce will go better for you if he's working and can be financially independent.

Getting him back to work is your first step in improving things.

[Anonymous]

what does he say when you say he needs to get a job? Have you ever mentioned divorce to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what does he say when you say he needs to get a job? Have you ever mentioned divorce to him?

He avoids all of these conversations because he’s very happy with this status quo
He says that my life would be harder if he was working, which I don’t agree with
The biggest challenge I have right now is how much I resent him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work

Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school.

This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change.

His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy.

He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent.

Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change.
We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more!

I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas?
Thanks

Here's your answer. Since he's not pulling his weight as a SAHD and he doesn't sound happy doing it anyway, I would encourage him to go back to work just for his own happiness level. See if that changes anything about your relationship for the better. If it doesn't, then pull the plug. A divorce will go better for you if he's working and can be financially independent.

Getting him back to work is your first step in improving things.

OP
Yes I totally agree with this and also this is what an attorney recommended I focus on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work

Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school.

This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change.

His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy.

He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent.



Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change.
We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more!

I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas?
Thanks

Here's your answer. Since he's not pulling his weight as a SAHD and he doesn't sound happy doing it anyway, I would encourage him to go back to work just for his own happiness level. See if that changes anything about your relationship for the better. If it doesn't, then pull the plug. A divorce will go better for you if he's working and can be financially independent.

Getting him back to work is your first step in improving things.

OP
Yes I totally agree with this and also this is what an attorney recommended I focus on

OP, you've already consulted a divorce attorney?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what does he say when you say he needs to get a job? Have you ever mentioned divorce to him?

He avoids all of these conversations because he’s very happy with this status quo
He says that my life would be harder if he was working, which I don’t agree with
The biggest challenge I have right now is how much I resent him

I understand that (and why) he’s avoiding them but you gotta push the issue and have the convo. “I can’t continue like this, and I won’t.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work

Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school.

This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change.

His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy.

He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent.



Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change.
We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more!

I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas?
Thanks

Here's your answer. Since he's not pulling his weight as a SAHD and he doesn't sound happy doing it anyway, I would encourage him to go back to work just for his own happiness level. See if that changes anything about your relationship for the better. If it doesn't, then pull the plug. A divorce will go better for you if he's working and can be financially independent.

Getting him back to work is your first step in improving things.

OP
Yes I totally agree with this and also this is what an attorney recommended I focus on

OP, you've already consulted a divorce attorney?

OP - no but i am an attorney and have friends who are also attorneys who I discussed this with privately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work

Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school.

This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change.

His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy.

He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent.

Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change.
We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more!

I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas?
Thanks

See bold

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work

Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school.

This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change.

His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy.

He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent.

Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change.
We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more!

I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas?
Thanks

See bold

OP
Ha ha
How would should I do this for when I’m unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because the things that are important to you are not important to him. He doesn’t care about play dates, birthday parties, or the PTA. If your kids are happy and healthy, what’s the issue?

Women create so much extra work for themselves. I’m a mom that works outside the home, but if I stayed home I’d never do any of that stuff. Trying to make friends with people I do t care about sounds like hell. How important is this stuff that you are so worked up over it?

Are you kidding me??? The issue is that she’s super stressed and has to outsource the SAHP work that her husband refuses to do. She has to manage and pay for a full time nanny because her husband can’t handle taking care of their children. Yes, the children are okay — Because this lady is doing everything, and outsourcing what she can’t do. Her husband contributes nothing. Most people would not be okay with this setup.

OP - yes this is exactly the issue.
Also we’ll agree that DS is going to do an activity, we’ll sign him up and pay for the season
Then DS will decide he no longer likes baseball so DH will use that as an excuse not to take him

The other parents text me for the play dates, the teachers call me first if there’s an issue.
He doesn’t make it known that he’s the full time parent, and this has been going on for three years

Then YOU make it known. How is this hard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work

Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school.

This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change.

His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy.

He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent.

Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change.
We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more!

I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas?
Thanks

See bold

OP
Ha ha
How would should I do this for when I’m unhappy?

I decided I had to decide not to care about some stuff. Once I did that things improved.