Reverse roles not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

Yes, but realize not everything is going to change if you divorce. Your H will likely get 50% custody and you will have to pay him child support. He doesn’t have to agree to birthday parties or play dates when the kids are with him. You will still be answering all the calls from the school and other parents. You’ll see your kids 50% of the time. If you sign them up for music lessons or sports, H doesn’t have to take them during his custody time. It’s the same as now, except you see your kids half time and pay your H child support.

Thanks
I’d be surprised if he took them half the time but when he does they’ll be on iPads all day long
I feel trapped
But what do I do?

OP, you are not trapped. You have options. None of them are perfect, but you can do better than the current situation. It doesn't sound like you have any love left for your husband, but are torn about divorce because that would mean relinquishing some control. That would be one of the trade offs. You have to figure out the best (imperfect) option for you and your children.

OP
Yes I understand the options
But my biggest source of stress and frustration is worrying about my kids, divorcing their father and leaving him with them in his home when he can’t even follow a schedule or plan we’ve put together in our shared home is daunting

He’s not going to turn into a different person because you divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many times low earning woman stop SAH b/c over long term it’s worth it even if it doesn’t pay for immediate childcare costs.

This is some weird troll stuff though. Who does this? SAHD haven’t been a thing since 3rd season of Parenthood.

Anyways, as an involved dad I do agree, arranging play dates as a SAHD is a nightmare. Other moms do not want to be in a house or meet for lunch with another man, many aren’t comfortable dropping off their kid with a dad unless they already know the mom well, etc. SAHM crew get together for coffee and yoga, so you are just out of that scene.

It was his choice to be a SaHD. He’s older than me and he does love the kids, but he’s not so reliable or organized that he could coordinate full care for three of them without our nanny.

If we leave the play date dynamics aside, I’m also not happy in our marriage.
I’m so tired and stressed yet he doesn’t want to discuss or take on any more responsibilities
So what do I do next?

I think you divorce. He's a bum. My SIL is married to the exact same type of bum but without a FT nanny.

Talk to a lawyer and plan and take the financial hit now. It won't be easier in 5 or 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

Yes, but realize not everything is going to change if you divorce. Your H will likely get 50% custody and you will have to pay him child support. He doesn’t have to agree to birthday parties or play dates when the kids are with him. You will still be answering all the calls from the school and other parents. You’ll see your kids 50% of the time. If you sign them up for music lessons or sports, H doesn’t have to take them during his custody time. It’s the same as now, except you see your kids half time and pay your H child support.

Thanks
I’d be surprised if he took them half the time but when he does they’ll be on iPads all day long
I feel trapped
But what do I do?

OP, you are not trapped. You have options. None of them are perfect, but you can do better than the current situation. It doesn't sound like you have any love left for your husband, but are torn about divorce because that would mean relinquishing some control. That would be one of the trade offs. You have to figure out the best (imperfect) option for you and your children.

OP
Yes I understand the options
But my biggest source of stress and frustration is worrying about my kids, divorcing their father and leaving him with them in his home when he can’t even follow a schedule or plan we’ve put together in our shared home is daunting

You are just going to have to let this go. I get where you are coming from, but I think the counselor might have had a good point in suggesting you chill out a little bit.