Reverse roles not working
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work
Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school. This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change. His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy. He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent. Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change. We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more! I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas? Thanks |
Anonymous
|
Why do you have a nanny with a stand-at-home parent? That makes no sense? DH needs to step it up, big time. I'd never put up with such attitude.
|
Anonymous
|
Many times low earning woman stop SAH b/c over long term it’s worth it even if it doesn’t pay for immediate childcare costs.
This is some weird troll stuff though. Who does this? SAHD haven’t been a thing since 3rd season of Parenthood. Anyways, as an involved dad I do agree, arranging play dates as a SAHD is a nightmare. Other moms do not want to be in a house or meet for lunch with another man, many aren’t comfortable dropping off their kid with a dad unless they already know the mom well, etc. SAHM crew get together for coffee and yoga, so you are just out of that scene. |
Anonymous
She’s been with us for ten years, since our oldest was born. DH was trying to do a start up and that fizzled so we never really talked about. Our DCs go to two different schools and I used to travel for work so it’s just one of those things, it’s a luxury to have her but honestly she’s much more reliable than DH! |
Anonymous
It was his choice to be a SaHD. He’s older than me and he does love the kids, but he’s not so reliable or organized that he could coordinate full care for three of them without our nanny. If we leave the play date dynamics aside, I’m also not happy in our marriage. I’m so tired and stressed yet he doesn’t want to discuss or take on any more responsibilities So what do I do next? |
Anonymous
Sorry, that is just weird. "Not reliable enough"? Is he a 13 year old kid? Sounds to me he's just lazy and someone has been enabling that behavior. |
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
That’s BS. I’m a SAHM. Yes, play dates are almost 100% female - HOWEVER, every time a dad has the day off, they always come to playgroup and are welcome. The key is to join groups. BTW that’s true for women too. It can be awkward to set up one on one play dates when you don’t know if you’ll have anything in common with the other mom (and I agree that it would be worse with another dad.) Believe it or not, it does take effort to make parent friends—even for moms. I joined 3 mom groups before I found one that I clicked with.. AND it’s only AFTER you meet at group and hit it off over several weeks that you schedule on on one play dates. |
Anonymous
I told him to join a PT committee or something like that, just to get involved and because I don’t have time. He said he’s too busy, he has an excuse for everything I don’t think he’s depressed, just lazy |
Anonymous
| I don't understand why you would keep a nanny. Like, at all. Seems like your DH does nothing at all? |
Anonymous
He takes the kids to school, picks them up, takes one to a lesson or play date...overall I think he does very little for our family and for our relationship |
Anonymous
| I can see why you’re upset. I would be very resentful. Marriage is a partnership and he’s really not bringing much to the table. |
Anonymous
|
It’s because the things that are important to you are not important to him. He doesn’t care about play dates, birthday parties, or the PTA. If your kids are happy and healthy, what’s the issue?
Women create so much extra work for themselves. I’m a mom that works outside the home, but if I stayed home I’d never do any of that stuff. Trying to make friends with people I do t care about sounds like hell. How important is this stuff that you are so worked up over it? |
Anonymous
But what can I do? When I speak to him he gets angry and standoffish so nothing can change |
Anonymous
Are you kidding me??? The issue is that she’s super stressed and has to outsource the SAHP work that her husband refuses to do. She has to manage and pay for a full time nanny because her husband can’t handle taking care of their children. Yes, the children are okay — Because this lady is doing everything, and outsourcing what she can’t do. Her husband contributes nothing. Most people would not be okay with this setup. |