Reverse roles not working

[Anonymous]

Cut the wifi while you're at work

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. I was in a similar (although not as extreme) position for a while. None of these are complete fixes, but here is what I recommend:
1. Think hard about what home/kid stuff is truly necessary for your kids to be happy/healthy and for your house to be livable. forget about everything else and let it go for now. You guys are in crisis, so eyes on the prize.
2. Figure out which of the items from #1 you can take on without burning out and/or seething with resentment all the time.
3. Tell DH you are not doing to rest and that he needs to handle it. Then, and this is the truly hard part, do not pick up his slack. If he drops the ball or tries to pass it back to you, just hand it back to him. Repeat as necessary.
4. Appreciate what your DH does do. Even if it's not his share or as much as he should be doing, make an effort to consciously notice what he does and to compliment him on it. This will help decrease your resentment and will provide him with positive reinforcement which will make him want to do more stuff.

I don't think you need to get rid of the nanny. I held firm on no nanny when my DH was underemployed, and it really hurt my career and undermined my happiness. On the one hand, its not fair that you are paying for a nanny when your DH has no job. On the other hand, fair or not, it may be what you need right now to make this work.

Hang in there.

Thanks so much for this helpful response
I definitely feel like we’re in a crisis right now and it’s going to reach a head

The thing is that we’ll agree what he’s going to do, he’ll say he doesn’t want to do the stuff but he’ll agree to take responsibility for it. Then he’ll just completely drop the ball! That’s what makes me so mad. I don’t get to drop the ball plus I’ve got to pick up his slack
We’ve been doing this dance for a couple of years but with Covid I’m so overwhelmed at work yet he takes advantage of me being distracted not to do his stuff

He’ll say he’s not taking DS to music lessons because DS doesn’t enjoy them
But we’ve already agreed and paid for a season

The appreciation doesn’t come easily right now because I’m so resentful
I need to figure out how to shake this off but he reinforces the fact that he doesn’t really care so often that it’s getting worse not better

I'm the PP you are responding to. I hear you--it is such a frustrating situation. In my experience, though, so long as you are picking up his slack, he will continue to slack off. Only once you stop compensating for his failings will he be forced to pull his weight or suffer the consequences. So, the school and the other parents are call you because he dropped the ball? Redirect, redirect, redirect. Meaning, tell him they called and tell them to call him. Refuse to play the middle man. So, you are wasting money on classes that are not used? Make sure that money comes out of a fund for something he cares about. Your kids are upset about a situation that he was supposed to handle? Tell them they have to talk to him because this was on his plate.

If you were to become incapacitated tomorrow, I guarantee your DH would figure out a way to deal. It might not be exactly the way you would do things, but the kids would be fed and housed and would not turn into feral animals.

As for the gratitude/compliments, fake it till you make it. Even if you are angry about the overall situation, you can still say, "Thanks for unloading the dishwasher." Not because he deserves it, necessarily, but because it will help you feel better and will incentivize him to do more. Right now, he probably feels like whatever he does is not enough (because it's not), which makes him not want to even try (which makes the problem worse). If he sees that whatever he does is appreciated, he will want more of that feeling, and so will do more. It's not necessarily fair or right, but it's how humans are wired.

Once you guys get to a place where things are a little more balanced, then you can think about whether you want to stay married and/or rebuild your relationship. Right now, though, you just need to figure out how to work together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because the things that are important to you are not important to him. He doesn’t care about play dates, birthday parties, or the PTA. If your kids are happy and healthy, what’s the issue?

Women create so much extra work for themselves. I’m a mom that works outside the home, but if I stayed home I’d never do any of that stuff. Trying to make friends with people I do t care about sounds like hell. How important is this stuff that you are so worked up over it?

Are you kidding me??? The issue is that she’s super stressed and has to outsource the SAHP work that her husband refuses to do. She has to manage and pay for a full time nanny because her husband can’t handle taking care of their children. Yes, the children are okay — Because this lady is doing everything, and outsourcing what she can’t do. Her husband contributes nothing. Most people would not be okay with this setup.

OP - yes this is exactly the issue.
Also we’ll agree that DS is going to do an activity, we’ll sign him up and pay for the season
Then DS will decide he no longer likes baseball so DH will use that as an excuse not to take him

The other parents text me for the play dates, the teachers call me first if there’s an issue.
He doesn’t make it known that he’s the full time parent, and this has been going on for three years

Then YOU make it known. How is this hard?

OP
Because I’ve been doing this for three years
He’s been fighting me all the way
Nothing changes. We had two big blow ups in September because of school related stuff he dropped the ball on
At some point you have to move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband worked for a big company that was sold three years ago. He had a good severance package and was supposed to start a consulting business with some former colleagues but it didn’t work out. At the same time our third DC was born and I got a promotion at work. I had always earned more so we agreed that DH would be a full time parent while I would continue to work

Three years later and I’m really frustrated and unhappy with this situation. DH is a good guy but he’s lazy and low energy, he’s always been this way. He doesn’t do much and doesn’t want to make any effort. We still have the same full time nanny and his role is supposed to be to support the kids but a lot of stuff falls through the cracks. He says it’s hard to set up play dates as a dad, but really he’s just lazy. I do all the clothes shopping, planning, birthday or holiday management etc. Our nanny does all the cooking and cleans when DCs are at school.

This situation wasn’t working for me for the last few years but with Covid my work has been much more stressful and demanding, basically 24x7, while he hasn’t picked up enough of the slack to help me out. I had expected that once he left a job he didn’t love he’d be much happier and more energetic, which would lift our family and relationship overall. But instead he’s less stressed and I’m more stressed to the point that now I need something to change.

His lack of engagement makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Which is sad because I feel like I’m so stressed out all the time which is making me really unhappy.

He never earned that much so it doesn’t make sense for him to go back to work, unless I tell him I want a divorce in which case it would be better for me that he was financially independent.

Any time I talk to DH and tell him how I’m feeling he just blows me off because he doesn’t want to change.
We tried therapy but the shrink actually recommended that I chill out more!

I just don’t know what to do next. Any ideas?
Thanks

See bold

OP
Ha ha
How would should I do this for when I’m unhappy?

I decided I had to decide not to care about some stuff. Once I did that things improved.

OP
Yes I could I see this working but I don’t want to lower my personal standards or those I have for my DCs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut the wifi while you're at work

LOL
He’s not a teenager
Even though he acts like one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

Then it makes sense to start making an exit plan. Talk to a lawyer and figure out the best way to give your husband some advance warning that he needs to find a job. You have financial resources and a nanny to help with your children--You'll be fine. Your husband is the one that is vulnerable here because this is a tough time to find a job. It's better for all of you if he can get established by himself sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

Yes, but realize not everything is going to change if you divorce. Your H will likely get 50% custody and you will have to pay him child support. He doesn’t have to agree to birthday parties or play dates when the kids are with him. You will still be answering all the calls from the school and other parents. You’ll see your kids 50% of the time. If you sign them up for music lessons or sports, H doesn’t have to take them during his custody time. It’s the same as now, except you see your kids half time and pay your H child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

Yes, but realize not everything is going to change if you divorce. Your H will likely get 50% custody and you will have to pay him child support. He doesn’t have to agree to birthday parties or play dates when the kids are with him. You will still be answering all the calls from the school and other parents. You’ll see your kids 50% of the time. If you sign them up for music lessons or sports, H doesn’t have to take them during his custody time. It’s the same as now, except you see your kids half time and pay your H child support.

If the husband is as lazy and disengaged as OP describes, he might not want 50/50 custody. It also sounds like OP makes a lot of money, so she can probably afford to pay child support and not have to take a big lifestyle hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

Yes, but realize not everything is going to change if you divorce. Your H will likely get 50% custody and you will have to pay him child support. He doesn’t have to agree to birthday parties or play dates when the kids are with him. You will still be answering all the calls from the school and other parents. You’ll see your kids 50% of the time. If you sign them up for music lessons or sports, H doesn’t have to take them during his custody time. It’s the same as now, except you see your kids half time and pay your H child support.

Thanks
I’d be surprised if he took them half the time but when he does they’ll be on iPads all day long
I feel trapped
But what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

Yes, but realize not everything is going to change if you divorce. Your H will likely get 50% custody and you will have to pay him child support. He doesn’t have to agree to birthday parties or play dates when the kids are with him. You will still be answering all the calls from the school and other parents. You’ll see your kids 50% of the time. If you sign them up for music lessons or sports, H doesn’t have to take them during his custody time. It’s the same as now, except you see your kids half time and pay your H child support.

OP
Yes I just replied above that I doubt he’d take them half the time
He doesn’t spend half his time with them now!

If the husband is as lazy and disengaged as OP describes, he might not want 50/50 custody. It also sounds like OP makes a lot of money, so she can probably afford to pay child support and not have to take a big lifestyle hit.

[Anonymous]

This has GOT to be a troll post. Many men that work outside the home and has a stay-at-home wife wonder what she does that adds value to the marriage.
A few years ago I was working a sales job that required me to travel to customer cites and I found myself doing meeting prep and meeting summaries at various coffee shops in the mornings and afternoons.
I learned that after dropping kids off at school SAH moms would gather at the coffee shop eat pastries before heading to gym/yoga then in the afternoons they would gather at the coffee shops prior to kid pickup. The conversations were always complaining about the lazy husbands or gossiping about the one "friend" that wasn't there.

I realized that while their husbands were working they were just playing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't tell if you are just venting because you are under so much stress or if you've already decided you want a divorce and you're looking for validation on the internet? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you done?

OP
I’m done being unhappy
I can’t do or contribute any more
I don’t want to manage him or lower my standards
I also don’t want to fight with him and be disappointed all the time
He makes me feel bad about myself so yes I’d probably prefer to be alone than in this relationship with him

Yes, but realize not everything is going to change if you divorce. Your H will likely get 50% custody and you will have to pay him child support. He doesn’t have to agree to birthday parties or play dates when the kids are with him. You will still be answering all the calls from the school and other parents. You’ll see your kids 50% of the time. If you sign them up for music lessons or sports, H doesn’t have to take them during his custody time. It’s the same as now, except you see your kids half time and pay your H child support.

Thanks
I’d be surprised if he took them half the time but when he does they’ll be on iPads all day long
I feel trapped
But what do I do?

OP, you are not trapped. You have options. None of them are perfect, but you can do better than the current situation. It doesn't sound like you have any love left for your husband, but are torn about divorce because that would mean relinquishing some control. That would be one of the trade offs. You have to figure out the best (imperfect) option for you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has GOT to be a troll post. Many men that work outside the home and has a stay-at-home wife wonder what she does that adds value to the marriage.
A few years ago I was working a sales job that required me to travel to customer cites and I found myself doing meeting prep and meeting summaries at various coffee shops in the mornings and afternoons.
I learned that after dropping kids off at school SAH moms would gather at the coffee shop eat pastries before heading to gym/yoga then in the afternoons they would gather at the coffee shops prior to kid pickup. The conversations were always complaining about the lazy husbands or gossiping about the one "friend" that wasn't there.

I realized that while their husbands were working they were just playing.

If it’s not a troll, the OP is super annoying. People give her advice, she refutes it, and goes “so what do I do?!”. They’d both be happier if she’d just grow a pair and leave him.