Reverse roles not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the kids in school or are they distance learning? Have you had a full time nanny throughout the pandemic? Who manages the nanny, you or your DH? How big is your house and who takes care of the yard work and home maintenance?

I’m kind of in awe that he is not working and has a FULL time nanny- but at the same time, as a Sahp myself, I can kinda see how you can still stay extremely busy with 3 kids. And I do pretty much everything with no outside help except a biweekly cleaner). And frankly a lot of stuff has been falling through the cracks. But the point is, you are feel very stressed, and he is not, and that imbalance is creating conflict and unfairness in your marriage. You and he have to work together to even the load and burden.

They were distance learning in the spring but they’re back in school right now.
He and our nanny guided them through the remote learning.

Our nanny has been with us full time for ten years
She lives with us and works about 60 hours a week
She has grown in her role as DCs got older so she does all of the housekeeping, laundry and cooking
She is Spanish speaking and manages the landscaper and a bunch of service providers who we’ve used for years

He doesn’t get stressed because he doesn’t engage
This was an issue at his work too and among the reasons he wasn’t able to get the start up going
We’ve tried talking to a shrink but he wanted me to do weekly sessions and report back to him 😬

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it what does he do all day if no cooking cleaning or childcare ? Does he exercise? Play video games? Read books?

He spends a lot of time online and he likes to read

Wow can I have your husband’s life? I’m a sahm and a naturally lazy person and I’d love to lounge around all day, but I force myself to run around and do all things house and kid related bc 1) no one else in my family would tolerate laziness and 2) laziness begets laziness and I don’t want to become even lazier!

OP
It also leads to lazy kids who think it’s ok to watch screens all day as they drop out of activities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a come to Jesus conversation. I was a SAHM with a DH who traveled weekly. He had very few responsibilities and I did EVERYTHING from all housecleaning to cooking and getting kids to their activities. Once they were in school, I had time for most of the yard work as well as interior painting. What I does he do all day??

The thing is that he’s a low energy person
Also he told me that he won’t do the work our nanny does, same goes for yard work, we have a handy man who fixes everything
DH doesn’t take any initiative and stuff will go for weeks or months unless I pay for someone to fix it

Wtf. That's literally his job as a sahp. What's the point of him being a sahp if he's not willing to do the work?

My husband became a fulltime sahp when our oldest born. We are older, so 20 odd years sahds were actually much more uncommon. Dh treated managing the hh and childcare as his job. He probably did 80+% of hh and childcare work. My only responsibilities were managing the finances and spending time with the children in the evening.

I should say that he does manage all our bills, which are pretty much automated but he takes care of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the kids in school or are they distance learning? Have you had a full time nanny throughout the pandemic? Who manages the nanny, you or your DH? How big is your house and who takes care of the yard work and home maintenance?

I’m kind of in awe that he is not working and has a FULL time nanny- but at the same time, as a Sahp myself, I can kinda see how you can still stay extremely busy with 3 kids. And I do pretty much everything with no outside help except a biweekly cleaner). And frankly a lot of stuff has been falling through the cracks. But the point is, you are feel very stressed, and he is not, and that imbalance is creating conflict and unfairness in your marriage. You and he have to work together to even the load and burden.

They were distance learning in the spring but they’re back in school right now.
He and our nanny guided them through the remote learning.

Our nanny has been with us full time for ten years
She lives with us and works about 60 hours a week
She has grown in her role as DCs got older so she does all of the housekeeping, laundry and cooking
She is Spanish speaking and manages the landscaper and a bunch of service providers who we’ve used for years

He doesn’t get stressed because he doesn’t engage
This was an issue at his work too and among the reasons he wasn’t able to get the start up going
We’ve tried talking to a shrink but he wanted me to do weekly sessions and report back to him 😬

I would not in a million years give up the nanny. No way. Husband on the other hand....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it what does he do all day if no cooking cleaning or childcare ? Does he exercise? Play video games? Read books?

He spends a lot of time online and he likes to read

Is he depressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the kids in school or are they distance learning? Have you had a full time nanny throughout the pandemic? Who manages the nanny, you or your DH? How big is your house and who takes care of the yard work and home maintenance?

I’m kind of in awe that he is not working and has a FULL time nanny- but at the same time, as a Sahp myself, I can kinda see how you can still stay extremely busy with 3 kids. And I do pretty much everything with no outside help except a biweekly cleaner). And frankly a lot of stuff has been falling through the cracks. But the point is, you are feel very stressed, and he is not, and that imbalance is creating conflict and unfairness in your marriage. You and he have to work together to even the load and burden.

They were distance learning in the spring but they’re back in school right now.
He and our nanny guided them through the remote learning.

Our nanny has been with us full time for ten years
She lives with us and works about 60 hours a week
She has grown in her role as DCs got older so she does all of the housekeeping, laundry and cooking
She is Spanish speaking and manages the landscaper and a bunch of service providers who we’ve used for years

He doesn’t get stressed because he doesn’t engage
This was an issue at his work too and among the reasons he wasn’t able to get the start up going
We’ve tried talking to a shrink but he wanted me to do weekly sessions and report back to him 😬

I would not in a million years give up the nanny. No way. Husband on the other hand....

OP
Yes if I had to choose...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the kids in school or are they distance learning? Have you had a full time nanny throughout the pandemic? Who manages the nanny, you or your DH? How big is your house and who takes care of the yard work and home maintenance?

I’m kind of in awe that he is not working and has a FULL time nanny- but at the same time, as a Sahp myself, I can kinda see how you can still stay extremely busy with 3 kids. And I do pretty much everything with no outside help except a biweekly cleaner). And frankly a lot of stuff has been falling through the cracks. But the point is, you are feel very stressed, and he is not, and that imbalance is creating conflict and unfairness in your marriage. You and he have to work together to even the load and burden.

They were distance learning in the spring but they’re back in school right now.
He and our nanny guided them through the remote learning.

Our nanny has been with us full time for ten years
She lives with us and works about 60 hours a week
She has grown in her role as DCs got older so she does all of the housekeeping, laundry and cooking
She is Spanish speaking and manages the landscaper and a bunch of service providers who we’ve used for years

He doesn’t get stressed because he doesn’t engage
This was an issue at his work too and among the reasons he wasn’t able to get the start up going
We’ve tried talking to a shrink but he wanted me to do weekly sessions and report back to him 😬

You should meet with a lawyer and figure out how much it would cost you to divorce. Figure out how much of a financial hit it would be and seriously consider divorce as an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it what does he do all day if no cooking cleaning or childcare ? Does he exercise? Play video games? Read books?

He spends a lot of time online and he likes to read

Is he depressed?

I don’t think he’s depressed
I actually think he’s very happy
He’s living his best life, plays golf a lot, reads books

[Anonymous]

Have you tried leaving him to-do lists everyday? What if he went back to school to get a certificate or mgmt degree. At least then the kids would see him being useful. Also why does your nanny work 60 hours a week instead of 40? I hope you are not exploiting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried leaving him to-do lists everyday? What if he went back to school to get a certificate or mgmt degree. At least then the kids would see him being useful. Also why does your nanny work 60 hours a week instead of 40? I hope you are not exploiting her.

Yes, she sounds fabulous and irreplaceable. Hope she is being paid very, very well.

[Anonymous]

I think the suggestion to see a lawyer is a good one. Really figure out what this would cost you in financial terms. Get all of your logistic ducks in a row and really consider divorce. Your kids might be relieved actually. And you could go for less than 50/50 split on custody. He also might miraculously shape up if he sees his gravy train ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried leaving him to-do lists everyday? What if he went back to school to get a certificate or mgmt degree. At least then the kids would see him being useful. Also why does your nanny work 60 hours a week instead of 40? I hope you are not exploiting her.

She’s always six days, it’s her preference as we pay her very well including over time
She saves a lot and sends money home
I’d love to cut back her hours but I don’t think it’s possible without losing her
Plus I’d be lost without her

He already has an MBA, he’s well educated just lazy
I think he should use his professional skills to volunteer at the school or in our community but he doesn’t want to engage

[Anonymous]

DH is the fourth child; OP and nanny are a functional team managing the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried leaving him to-do lists everyday? What if he went back to school to get a certificate or mgmt degree. At least then the kids would see him being useful. Also why does your nanny work 60 hours a week instead of 40? I hope you are not exploiting her.

If I have to give him a To Do list, and then manage it, and ensure he does stuff...I may as well just do it myself
He’s lazy but not incapable
It’s his choice not to engage because then he can play golf or read his books

[Anonymous]

DH isn't great about many things, but he is perfectly capable of arranging kid activities.

ONe kid does soccer and we trade off who takes her. ONe kid does rock climbing and DH always takes him (because he also does it) and arranges rock clibming activities with other dads.


We have a sociable street and the kids play with neighbors,


If I"m honest, he is much better at the parent/friend thing than I am. I work a lot, dont seem to fit too well with the sahm crowd, and my kid's social life is not my #1 consideratiaon. They have friends, school (well, not right now), activities, they are fine.

And to the OP, you will have to pay him child support if you divorce him. Not sure why you need a nanny if all kids are at school, but I could see a housekeeping if you had a DH like that. Or a household manager.

Sorry about your situation, A lot of men are not cut out for it. I note extreme differences between DH and myself in terms of being able to manage multiple tasks--like, if I'm waiting for the coffee to brew, I'll do the dishes, if I'm on a call, I'll fold some laundry. Whenever there is 'in between' time he sits around with his phone. It takes me 30minutes to get 4 courses on the table, it takes him an HOUR. because he cannot multi task.