Reverse roles not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because the things that are important to you are not important to him. He doesn’t care about play dates, birthday parties, or the PTA. If your kids are happy and healthy, what’s the issue?

Women create so much extra work for themselves. I’m a mom that works outside the home, but if I stayed home I’d never do any of that stuff. Trying to make friends with people I do t care about sounds like hell. How important is this stuff that you are so worked up over it?

Are you kidding me??? The issue is that she’s super stressed and has to outsource the SAHP work that her husband refuses to do. She has to manage and pay for a full time nanny because her husband can’t handle taking care of their children. Yes, the children are okay — Because this lady is doing everything, and outsourcing what she can’t do. Her husband contributes nothing. Most people would not be okay with this setup.

OP - yes this is exactly the issue.
Also we’ll agree that DS is going to do an activity, we’ll sign him up and pay for the season
Then DS will decide he no longer likes baseball so DH will use that as an excuse not to take him

The other parents text me for the play dates, the teachers call me first if there’s an issue.
He doesn’t make it known that he’s the full time parent, and this has been going on for three years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why you’re upset. I would be very resentful. Marriage is a partnership and he’s really not bringing much to the table.

But what can I do?
When I speak to him he gets angry and standoffish so nothing can change

Do you want to stay married?

You need to think really hard about this because the longer you stay the worse your position will be when you divorce. So, do you want to stay married to him? Can you accept that he will not contribute to the family in any meaningful way?

Only you can decide what you can tolerate. Nothing you say is going to change your husband.

OP
I think he’s taking advantage of the fact that he knows I don’t want the kids to be raised in a split home
It will be worse for them as they’ll be watching screens all day long like their father
But yes I totally recognize that the financial impact just gets worse for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you would keep a nanny. Like, at all. Seems like your DH does nothing at all?

Seems pretty obvious to me why--this is her actual coparent. Every biglaw mom with a SAHH kept her nanny.

OP
Yes I have an equivalent career with a lot of responsibilities and even more this year.
There is no way I’d give up my nanny because she’s so reliable and she would do anything for our family and for my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, what specifically do you want your dh to do that he is not doing? List specifics tasks.

I want him to engage with the family
To appreciate how much I’m doing and find ways to cut me slack

It’s hard for my kids that I’m not around more, my daughter tells me she’d prefer that I was home instead of him. I want him to engage so it’s less obvious to our kids

I want him to look out for me more
I’ve been mostly working at home for the last six months but if I need food I like I need to go to the store myself.
He doesn’t remember to get it for me
He’ll be sitting in his office watching a movie while someone is banging on the door, I’m on a zoom call so I can’t move but he’ll say he didn’t hear the door

Most of his behavior makes me think he really doesn’t care about me or the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it what does he do all day if no cooking cleaning or childcare ? Does he exercise? Play video games? Read books?

He spends a lot of time online and he likes to read

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have?

The SAHDs we know are great. My kids are in elementary though. One dad is very active in scouts. Another dad hosts play dates often and always willing to lend a hand with driving kids. The one dad who isn’t active with kids is a guy who is struggling with his career. I would consider him unemployed. We know another dad of 1 who hasn’t been able to find work for years. I think it is very different if the guy wants to stay home or if he can’t find work.

I’m a SAHM of 3 and I have a PT housekeeper/nanny. I feel insanely busy. I’m sure If I said I was a SAHM mom with help, people would think I don’t do any childcare. That just isn’t the case. When the nanny cooks and cleans, I am taking care of the children. When she watches the kids, I usually have something to do with another child. It is nice not to have to lug all 3 children every time one of my kids has an activity, event, sport or play date.

We have three kids in two different schools
Our youngest has some challenges and requires a lot of extra tutoring and will likely need to move to a specialized school, which I’ve been researching a lot this year. Then telling him who to call to get up a virtual tour etc

I would say he’s not insanely busy the way you describe as he doesn’t bother to sign the kids up for stuff or to ensure they attend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what specifically do you want your dh to do that he is not doing? List specifics tasks.

I want him to engage with the family
To appreciate how much I’m doing and find ways to cut me slack

It’s hard for my kids that I’m not around more, my daughter tells me she’d prefer that I was home instead of him. I want him to engage so it’s less obvious to our kids

I want him to look out for me more
I’ve been mostly working at home for the last six months but if I need food I like I need to go to the store myself.
He doesn’t remember to get it for me
He’ll be sitting in his office watching a movie while someone is banging on the door, I’m on a zoom call so I can’t move but he’ll say he didn’t hear the door

Most of his behavior makes me think he really doesn’t care about me or the kids

I think PP meant list it for HIM, not the internet. But really, you sound like you’re asking the internet to tell you to get divorced. So here you go: divorce him, or try to change. But if you’re not willing to try to fix it or change it, stop complaining. It does nothing but make you more unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to go back to work. He sounds unhappy and not very good at this. You’re already paying for childcare so I don’t really understand what the big deal is even if he won’t be making a ton?

Also you can let go of the play date dream. Many women are not going to be comfortable having him over, etc. although PP is right in suggesting joining a group would be better.

I’ve been telling him for a year that he needs to go back to work
It would improve our dynamic dramatically
We don’t need the income but I don’t think I’d be so resentful if he wasn’t just sitting around so much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time for a come to Jesus conversation. I was a SAHM with a DH who traveled weekly. He had very few responsibilities and I did EVERYTHING from all housecleaning to cooking and getting kids to their activities. Once they were in school, I had time for most of the yard work as well as interior painting. What I does he do all day??

The thing is that he’s a low energy person
Also he told me that he won’t do the work our nanny does, same goes for yard work, we have a handy man who fixes everything
DH doesn’t take any initiative and stuff will go for weeks or months unless I pay for someone to fix it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what the right balance is for your family, but lots of families at DS’s school have a SAHM and an au pair. No one thinks this is odd. Especially with three kids and all their activities.

I think OP needs to be more direct. Tell DH he needs to sign the kids up for activities, fill out the school forms, make the medical appointments, etc. He doesn’t want to be friends with other parents. You can’t make someone want that if they don’t want it.

OP
I understand what you’re saying here
But I don’t really want to be working 80 hours a week right now
I also hate to miss so much stuff with my kids because I’m working or on call all the time
I have a full time role but also a leadership position so the responsibilities have grown out of control this year with trying to navigate Covid
We all have to do stuff we’d prefer not to do, I don’t have a choice when I’m working
When I’m not working I’d like to be able to relax with my kids instead of coordinating the landscaper or running out to get a birthday gift DH forgot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. I was in a similar (although not as extreme) position for a while. None of these are complete fixes, but here is what I recommend:
1. Think hard about what home/kid stuff is truly necessary for your kids to be happy/healthy and for your house to be livable. forget about everything else and let it go for now. You guys are in crisis, so eyes on the prize.
2. Figure out which of the items from #1 you can take on without burning out and/or seething with resentment all the time.
3. Tell DH you are not doing to rest and that he needs to handle it. Then, and this is the truly hard part, do not pick up his slack. If he drops the ball or tries to pass it back to you, just hand it back to him. Repeat as necessary.
4. Appreciate what your DH does do. Even if it's not his share or as much as he should be doing, make an effort to consciously notice what he does and to compliment him on it. This will help decrease your resentment and will provide him with positive reinforcement which will make him want to do more stuff.

I don't think you need to get rid of the nanny. I held firm on no nanny when my DH was underemployed, and it really hurt my career and undermined my happiness. On the one hand, its not fair that you are paying for a nanny when your DH has no job. On the other hand, fair or not, it may be what you need right now to make this work.

Hang in there.

Thanks so much for this helpful response
I definitely feel like we’re in a crisis right now and it’s going to reach a head

The thing is that we’ll agree what he’s going to do, he’ll say he doesn’t want to do the stuff but he’ll agree to take responsibility for it. Then he’ll just completely drop the ball! That’s what makes me so mad. I don’t get to drop the ball plus I’ve got to pick up his slack
We’ve been doing this dance for a couple of years but with Covid I’m so overwhelmed at work yet he takes advantage of me being distracted not to do his stuff

He’ll say he’s not taking DS to music lessons because DS doesn’t enjoy them
But we’ve already agreed and paid for a season

The appreciation doesn’t come easily right now because I’m so resentful
I need to figure out how to shake this off but he reinforces the fact that he doesn’t really care so often that it’s getting worse not better

[Anonymous]

Are the kids in school or are they distance learning? Have you had a full time nanny throughout the pandemic? Who manages the nanny, you or your DH? How big is your house and who takes care of the yard work and home maintenance?

I’m kind of in awe that he is not working and has a FULL time nanny- but at the same time, as a Sahp myself, I can kinda see how you can still stay extremely busy with 3 kids. And I do pretty much everything with no outside help except a biweekly cleaner). And frankly a lot of stuff has been falling through the cracks. But the point is, you are feel very stressed, and he is not, and that imbalance is creating conflict and unfairness in your marriage. You and he have to work together to even the load and burden.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but get rid of the nanny. Also, if you have a ten year old presumably they’ve aged out of a nanny anyway. Put them in aftercare and tell DH to get a job. No more nanny. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a come to Jesus conversation. I was a SAHM with a DH who traveled weekly. He had very few responsibilities and I did EVERYTHING from all housecleaning to cooking and getting kids to their activities. Once they were in school, I had time for most of the yard work as well as interior painting. What I does he do all day??

The thing is that he’s a low energy person
Also he told me that he won’t do the work our nanny does, same goes for yard work, we have a handy man who fixes everything
DH doesn’t take any initiative and stuff will go for weeks or months unless I pay for someone to fix it

Wtf. That's literally his job as a sahp. What's the point of him being a sahp if he's not willing to do the work?

My husband became a fulltime sahp when our oldest born. We are older, so 20 odd years sahds were actually much more uncommon. Dh treated managing the hh and childcare as his job. He probably did 80+% of hh and childcare work. My only responsibilities were managing the finances and spending time with the children in the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it what does he do all day if no cooking cleaning or childcare ? Does he exercise? Play video games? Read books?

He spends a lot of time online and he likes to read

Wow can I have your husband’s life? I’m a sahm and a naturally lazy person and I’d love to lounge around all day, but I force myself to run around and do all things house and kid related bc 1) no one else in my family would tolerate laziness and 2) laziness begets laziness and I don’t want to become even lazier!