Reverse roles not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why you’re upset. I would be very resentful. Marriage is a partnership and he’s really not bringing much to the table.

But what can I do?
When I speak to him he gets angry and standoffish so nothing can change

Do you want to stay married?

You need to think really hard about this because the longer you stay the worse your position will be when you divorce. So, do you want to stay married to him? Can you accept that he will not contribute to the family in any meaningful way?

Only you can decide what you can tolerate. Nothing you say is going to change your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s because the things that are important to you are not important to him. He doesn’t care about play dates, birthday parties, or the PTA. If your kids are happy and healthy, what’s the issue?

Women create so much extra work for themselves. I’m a mom that works outside the home, but if I stayed home I’d never do any of that stuff. Trying to make friends with people I do t care about sounds like hell. How important is this stuff that you are so worked up over it?

I actually think this would be a perfectly reasonable position to take if they didn't have a full time nanny. But OP seems to want him to do those extra things to show any interest at all in being a SAHD, because he's not doing the basics either. The problem isn't that he's not creating a Pinterest-perfect childhood, it's that he's not doing . . . anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you would keep a nanny. Like, at all. Seems like your DH does nothing at all?

Seems pretty obvious to me why--this is her actual coparent. Every biglaw mom with a SAHH kept her nanny.

[Anonymous]

Op, what specifically do you want your dh to do that he is not doing? List specifics tasks.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what the right balance is for your family, but lots of families at DS’s school have a SAHM and an au pair. No one thinks this is odd. Especially with three kids and all their activities.

I think OP needs to be more direct. Tell DH he needs to sign the kids up for activities, fill out the school forms, make the medical appointments, etc. He doesn’t want to be friends with other parents. You can’t make someone want that if they don’t want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what the right balance is for your family, but lots of families at DS’s school have a SAHM and an au pair. No one thinks this is odd. Especially with three kids and all their activities.

I think OP needs to be more direct. Tell DH he needs to sign the kids up for activities, fill out the school forms, make the medical appointments, etc. He doesn’t want to be friends with other parents. You can’t make someone want that if they don’t want it.

Do you know any men with SAHWs who have to tell them to sign them up to activities and fill out school forms?? Most of the work of parenting is knowing which stuff needs to be done when, not the actual doing of it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it what does he do all day if no cooking cleaning or childcare ? Does he exercise? Play video games? Read books?

[Anonymous]

How many kids do you have?

The SAHDs we know are great. My kids are in elementary though. One dad is very active in scouts. Another dad hosts play dates often and always willing to lend a hand with driving kids. The one dad who isn’t active with kids is a guy who is struggling with his career. I would consider him unemployed. We know another dad of 1 who hasn’t been able to find work for years. I think it is very different if the guy wants to stay home or if he can’t find work.

I’m a SAHM of 3 and I have a PT housekeeper/nanny. I feel insanely busy. I’m sure If I said I was a SAHM mom with help, people would think I don’t do any childcare. That just isn’t the case. When the nanny cooks and cleans, I am taking care of the children. When she watches the kids, I usually have something to do with another child. It is nice not to have to lug all 3 children every time one of my kids has an activity, event, sport or play date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have?

The SAHDs we know are great. My kids are in elementary though. One dad is very active in scouts. Another dad hosts play dates often and always willing to lend a hand with driving kids. The one dad who isn’t active with kids is a guy who is struggling with his career. I would consider him unemployed. We know another dad of 1 who hasn’t been able to find work for years. I think it is very different if the guy wants to stay home or if he can’t find work.

I’m a SAHM of 3 and I have a PT housekeeper/nanny. I feel insanely busy. I’m sure If I said I was a SAHM mom with help, people would think I don’t do any childcare. That just isn’t the case. When the nanny cooks and cleans, I am taking care of the children. When she watches the kids, I usually have something to do with another child. It is nice not to have to lug all 3 children every time one of my kids has an activity, event, sport or play date.

First of all, you have part time help. That’s very different than a full time nanny. OP’s husband does not take the initiative on any of the extras that come with having a SAH spouse. OP is still handling, holidays, clothes shopping, birthday parties, play dates, etc. I know zero men with SAH wife’s who do this stuff. So, basically the husband isn’t covering the basics of childcare (nanny does that) AND he’s doing the nice to have stuff that makes life more pleasant with a SAH spouse.

He’s doing nothing.

I think OP needs to separate so he gets a dose of reality. Maybe he’ll step up if there’s a credible threat of divorce? Who knows? At a minimum she loses some deadweight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it what does he do all day if no cooking cleaning or childcare ? Does he exercise? Play video games? Read books?

I think this is what OP can’t figure out either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many times low earning woman stop SAH b/c over long term it’s worth it even if it doesn’t pay for immediate childcare costs.

This is some weird troll stuff though. Who does this? SAHD haven’t been a thing since 3rd season of Parenthood.

Anyways, as an involved dad I do agree, arranging play dates as a SAHD is a nightmare. Other moms do not want to be in a house or meet for lunch with another man, many aren’t comfortable dropping off their kid with a dad unless they already know the mom well, etc. SAHM crew get together for coffee and yoga, so you are just out of that scene.

That’s BS. I’m a SAHM. Yes, play dates are almost 100% female - HOWEVER, every time a dad has the day off, they always come to playgroup and are welcome. The key is to join groups. BTW that’s true for women too. It can be awkward to set up one on one play dates when you don’t know if you’ll have anything in common with the other mom (and I agree that it would be worse with another dad.) Believe it or not, it does take effort to make parent friends—even for moms. I joined 3 mom groups before I found one that I clicked with.. AND it’s only AFTER you meet at group and hit it off over several weeks that you schedule on on one play dates.

Not Bs, read my post. The mom laid the groundwork and gets the dad, who can pop in as a substitute SAHM fine as you describe. Did you ever have a SAHD who you had never met the mom over for a play date? That’s the equivalent, many SAHMs go months to years with out meeting other DHs.

[Anonymous]

He needs to go back to work. He sounds unhappy and not very good at this. You’re already paying for childcare so I don’t really understand what the big deal is even if he won’t be making a ton?

Also you can let go of the play date dream. Many women are not going to be comfortable having him over, etc. although PP is right in suggesting joining a group would be better.

[Anonymous]

Time for a come to Jesus conversation. I was a SAHM with a DH who traveled weekly. He had very few responsibilities and I did EVERYTHING from all housecleaning to cooking and getting kids to their activities. Once they were in school, I had time for most of the yard work as well as interior painting. What I does he do all day??

[Anonymous]

Life sucks sometimes.
Man up

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. I was in a similar (although not as extreme) position for a while. None of these are complete fixes, but here is what I recommend:
1. Think hard about what home/kid stuff is truly necessary for your kids to be happy/healthy and for your house to be livable. forget about everything else and let it go for now. You guys are in crisis, so eyes on the prize.
2. Figure out which of the items from #1 you can take on without burning out and/or seething with resentment all the time.
3. Tell DH you are not doing to rest and that he needs to handle it. Then, and this is the truly hard part, do not pick up his slack. If he drops the ball or tries to pass it back to you, just hand it back to him. Repeat as necessary.
4. Appreciate what your DH does do. Even if it's not his share or as much as he should be doing, make an effort to consciously notice what he does and to compliment him on it. This will help decrease your resentment and will provide him with positive reinforcement which will make him want to do more stuff.

I don't think you need to get rid of the nanny. I held firm on no nanny when my DH was underemployed, and it really hurt my career and undermined my happiness. On the one hand, its not fair that you are paying for a nanny when your DH has no job. On the other hand, fair or not, it may be what you need right now to make this work.

Hang in there.