Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I remember reading a therapist who said basically, There are some people who after an affair, will try to do everything right to repair. They are remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild...and some of their partners still will not be able to forgive or stay. There are others who do very little to repair and are forgiven. It can vary and I think until you are in it, it is hard to know exactly where you might fall. |
Anonymous
|
It has been more than two-and-a-half years since my husband had an affair. I did not resist when my husband said he needed the freedom experience some opportunities; both because he made it clear that he could not be with someone who tells him what to do, and because he said that he was not willing to give up the potential for happiness with someone else. (Set love free and it will come back to you, if it is meant to be.) In truth, I was certainly in a state of shock-and-survival, and wanted simply to maintain some semblance of calm and structure for our children.
My husband has since lived away from our family (I have raised the children almost entirely by myself during this time, though he continues to provide financially, for which I am grateful), has enjoyed relationships with several women, and casually dated others. Most recently he was visiting and vacationing with his initial affair partner. He offers out the hope that perhaps he will come back, though he cautions that he cannot do so if he will always be reminded of it. I am happy and willing to forget the past and put it behind us. And I continue to harbor the eternal hope (and love) for reconciliation. But in the end OP, I do not think that my husband will ever return, because I think that men who have experienced the freedom of an extended sexual relationship(s) outside of the marriage do not care to come back to a monogamous, lifetime commitment to their spouse. Have the courage and strength OP to make healthy, good decisions for yourself and your children, whatever those may be. |
Anonymous
|
Narcissistic tendencies or NPD. Incapable of focusing on anyone but himself. You and the AP are just pawns in his game. Not to give the AP any sympathy, but trust me, he gassed her up so she would mirror it back to him for validation. He's so misunderstood! Only she gets him! All bullsht.
Just cut the cord. Yes, even with the kids, the property, the good times, you have to do it. You will never get those good times back. Do you want to read his texts and emails for the rest of your life? Stalk him on iCloud Find my Friends? Wonder if that work event of hangout with the "guys" is legit? It is no way to live. |
Anonymous
You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post? |
Anonymous
|
OP, I'm sorry. I think the most important thing here is you don't have to decide a course of action immediately.
I would visit an attorney to understand your financial position, and what protections you might need. But just visiting doesn't mean you need to leave. Be gentle on yourself. You will find clarity. |
Anonymous
WOW. |
Anonymous
|
This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.
That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her. If OP has the means to leave she 100% should. |
Anonymous
I don't know. At this point, I'd ask him to move out for at least six months, get therapy, etc. This really depends on how your relationship was before. |
Anonymous
Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong. |
Anonymous
You need to read again. She is saying that they are so deeply in love after 15 years that if she found out about an affair it would be such a betrayal that she could not stay. |
Anonymous
Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity? |
Anonymous
|
Q: Is this compartmentalizing characteristic of people who get into affairs?
Dr. G. It’s much more characteristic of men. Most women believe that if you love your partner, you wouldn’t even be in an affair; therefore, if someone has an affair, it means that they didn’t love their partner and they do love the person that they had the affair with. But my research has shown that there are many men who do love their partners, who enjoy good sex at home, who nevertheless never turn down an opportunity for extramarital sex. In fact, 56 percent of the men I sampled who had extramarital intercourse said that their marriages were happy, versus 34 percent of the women. The misconception is that if a man had an affair, it meant that he had a terrible marriage, and that he probably wasn’t getting it at home--the old keep-your-husband-happy-so-he-won’t-stray idea. That puts too much of a burden on the woman. I found that she could be everything wonderful, and he might still stray, if that’s in his value system, his family background, or his psycho dynamic structure. Many of our beliefs about the behavior of others come from how we see things for ourselves. A man who usually associates sneaking around with having sex will, if his wife is sneaking around, find it very hard to believe that she could be emotionally involved without being sexually involved. On the other hand, a woman usually can not believe that her husband could be sexually involved and not be emotionally involved. We put the same meaning on it for our partner that it would have for us. I call that the error of assumed similarity. I found enormous gender differences: that men in long term marriages who had affairs had very high marital satisfaction--and that women in long-term marriages having affairs had the lowest marital satisfaction of all. [/b]Everybody’s marital satisfaction went down the longer they were married, except the men who had affairs.[b] But in early marriages, men who had affairs were significantly less happy. An affair is more serious if it happens earlier in the marriage. Only 10 percent of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day, and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship that make it less romantic, you’re into Stage Two--disillusionment. Several people have told me they wish the affair had never happened; they wish they had worked on their marriage instead. Once they got into an affair, it was too compelling. But now that the affair has settled into a reality based relationship, it is too late to go back to the marriage; they destroyed too much. https://www.shirleyglass.com/psychologytoday.htm |
Anonymous
That is what she imagines, not what is fact. 1. She imagines he has not had an affair, nobody really knows 2. She imagines she would not stay, she really has not idea what she would do, she knows what she would hope to do. It's very common fallacy argument. |
Anonymous
You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity. |
Anonymous
|
OP--read this.
Then, go to the archives and begin reading her blogs from the beginning (Oct 2012-2019) and read all of the comments too. You can follow the path of a real woman that discovered an affair in a long, happy marriage and month to month what she was feeling, what he was doing. They made it out. It's the most honest and compelling account I've read. Shock will accompany you for at least the first 3-5 months, btw. https://healingaftermyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/category/my-story-how-i-discovered-my-husbands-affair/ |