Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

You don't sound perfectionist. You sound like you are OCD and have mental health issues.

+1 And also a narcissist. Please, for your children, get some help. You need a better therapist and anxiety medicine. I'm curious about your DH - is he like you, or is he super passive and you just nag him into doing whatever you want, all the time? What is your sex life like?

Ah see I picture ops husband as a workaholic person who makes a ton of money. Really isn't home much so not bothered by OPs insanity. Enjoys having the trophy wife and family, even if he's not particularly fond of them. Probably has a fun AP that makes up for all of OPs rigidity and insaneness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you need meds.

If you continue at this rate, with you constantly picking on your kids for being normal young people, they will not speak to you when they are adults.

But at least OP will be able to tell everyone what a perfect childhood they had because they never had store bought hummus!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think you need to reread your post and think about it from your kids perspective.

1. Your kid will lie to you about eating food other places. If you're lucky they won't develop an eating disorder (I did)
2. Your kids aren't going to remember your homemade hummus. They are going to remember that you chose making hummus over spending time with them
3. Your kids are going to walk on eggshells around you. Can I touch this or do this? Or will mom tell at me
4. Your kids are never going to be able to come to you about anything. They are going to be too scared. DD hates gymnastics but keeps doing it because she is afraid to tell you she actually wants to try something else, despite the fact that you think you tailored gymnastics perfectly to her personality.

So think about things.from their perspective. Because I guarantee you they will have a happier and healthier childhood if they have a mom they can be open with and spend time with and not be afraid of. Even if that means store bought hummus. So whenever you start to control a situation, think "is this really what's best for my kid?"

This. I was [still am] this child. I am an excellent liar, I overeat now because my food choices and intake were limited as a child, I hate cleaning because my mom had us on a very strict regimen for cleaning the house every day, and I was (and probably still am a little bit) scared of doing anything that will upset my mother. I also take offense to anything she says because I assume she is always criticizing me or my choices. I hate visiting my parents because I always am worried I'm doing something wrong.

It is also REALLY hard being a parent because my parents' way is the only way I know, and that's not the kind of parent I want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think you need to reread your post and think about it from your kids perspective.

1. Your kid will lie to you about eating food other places. If you're lucky they won't develop an eating disorder (I did)
2. Your kids aren't going to remember your homemade hummus. They are going to remember that you chose making hummus over spending time with them
3. Your kids are going to walk on eggshells around you. Can I touch this or do this? Or will mom tell at me
4. Your kids are never going to be able to come to you about anything. They are going to be too scared. DD hates gymnastics but keeps doing it because she is afraid to tell you she actually wants to try something else, despite the fact that you think you tailored gymnastics perfectly to her personality.

So think about things.from their perspective. Because I guarantee you they will have a happier and healthier childhood if they have a mom they can be open with and spend time with and not be afraid of. Even if that means store bought hummus. So whenever you start to control a situation, think "is this really what's best for my kid?"

This. I was [still am] this child. I am an excellent liar, I overeat now because my food choices and intake were limited as a child, I hate cleaning because my mom had us on a very strict regimen for cleaning the house every day, and I was (and probably still am a little bit) scared of doing anything that will upset my mother. I also take offense to anything she says because I assume she is always criticizing me or my choices. I hate visiting my parents because I always am worried I'm doing something wrong.

It is also REALLY hard being a parent because my parents' way is the only way I know, and that's not the kind of parent I want to be.

I'm pp. Yes to everything you've said. I'm almost too lenient of a parent (thankfully DH is good about keeping that in check) because I so desperately do not want to be like my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

LOL then you must understand that there is a huge gray area between parenting as you describe it, constantly picking on your kids for doing normal childish things like touching the walls, and giving your kids lollipops to suck on whenever such that they develop several cavities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter's psychologist what you told us and ask her if she thinks you're a perfect parent.

Never said I was perfect. If I did, I wouldn’t be here. DD’s psych will be done after 12-weeks. She said the anxiety is moderate, and she doesn’t see a need to continuing therapy given her case and severity. Other Child has no anxiety, beyond what’s normal. Genes, I think.

Guys, I think this has to be a troll. No normal mother would admit to something like this ^ and not be extremely upset and angry with herself that she can't control her own impulses/reactions to normal stuff like kids touching walls and so consequently passed her anxiety on to her child.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing, OP. Having gone to HYP doesn't mean you're happy or successful. It means you succeeded as a teen and (probably) again in your early 20's at getting into tough schools, and getting through them. One of the absolute best singers I ever heard live was a homeless man who sang in Grand Central Station. He'd been a HYP professor, his wife was killed, and he lost his mind. Eating organic can't change the things we can't control.

You need to pick your battles. You know the dirty dozen? When we buy those foods, they're organic. All produce not shelled (bananas, pineapple, etc.), all dairy, all meat - that's all organic. I'm not buying tons of cookies and cakes and sugar cereals. But there's a time and a place for things. Organic strawberries and peaches dipped in whipped cream for dessert? Sure. My kid came home from eating dinner at a friend's house and was all "Mom! I had the most awesome thing! Have you ever heard of Rice a Roni?!" And when she asked if we could get it I said I'd think about it. So when report card time rolled around and she'd gotten great marks, guess what we had with dinner? Sure, the sodium is off the charts, but she hasn't asked for it since.

My kids don't give a crap how expensive the paint on the walls is. And that's not their concern. If the walls were one shade darker they wouldn't care - only DH and I care or notice. But before the kids get to leave the dining area, they clean their hands. So if they touch the walls, it's not a huge deal. Pick your battles.

You don't sound happy. You're well educated, wealthy, and high strung. Is it worth it?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think OP wants to change. It sounds like she’s almost bragging. I’d guess Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

OP, why on earth would you have another child? You don’t even enjoy the ones you have. Is it for the image you’re looking to create? Is it only your wants that matter here?

[Anonymous]

PSA: you don't need to buy organic milk anymore. Farmers are not allowed to give cows hormones so there is no hormones in the milk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, OP. Having gone to HYP doesn't mean you're happy or successful. It means you succeeded as a teen and (probably) again in your early 20's at getting into tough schools, and getting through them. One of the absolute best singers I ever heard live was a homeless man who sang in Grand Central Station. He'd been a HYP professor, his wife was killed, and he lost his mind. Eating organic can't change the things we can't control.

You need to pick your battles. You know the dirty dozen? When we buy those foods, they're organic. All produce not shelled (bananas, pineapple, etc.), all dairy, all meat - that's all organic. I'm not buying tons of cookies and cakes and sugar cereals. But there's a time and a place for things. Organic strawberries and peaches dipped in whipped cream for dessert? Sure. My kid came home from eating dinner at a friend's house and was all "Mom! I had the most awesome thing! Have you ever heard of Rice a Roni?!" And when she asked if we could get it I said I'd think about it. So when report card time rolled around and she'd gotten great marks, guess what we had with dinner? Sure, the sodium is off the charts, but she hasn't asked for it since.

My kids don't give a crap how expensive the paint on the walls is. And that's not their concern. If the walls were one shade darker they wouldn't care - only DH and I care or notice. But before the kids get to leave the dining area, they clean their hands. So if they touch the walls, it's not a huge deal. Pick your battles.

You don't sound happy. You're well educated, wealthy, and high strung. Is it worth it?

+1 I'm from a dysfunctional lower-middle class family. I did a Ph.D. at the University of Chicago and could not believe the number of wealthy, attractive, smart, hard-working, extremely well educated students I knew there would were completely miserable and felt like they were considered disapointments by their parents because they were getting a lowly Ph.D. at UofC rather than I don't know what. Is the benefit of homemade hummus worth a lifetime of never feeling that you are enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ A therapist who says you “really need meds” is a crappy therapist. Seriously. Therapist should be able to help you considerably even apart from medication.

As a therapist, reading through ops posts I would guess the conversation was more a strong recommendation for meds and trying to help OP understand that sometimes, for some people, there are limitations to the amount of progress you can make without meds taking the edge off of the obsessive thoughts and anxiety (for example).

[Anonymous]

Is saffron oil killing children or something? Was there an alert that I missed?

[Anonymous]

I have an idea for you - declare one afternoon a kids choice afternoon - let them pick their own meal, what they want to do that afternoon and just accept it!! See how it goes for you - can you do it? I mean my biggest concern is these kids are adults by 18 and will be making their own choices and you want to raise kids that can gradually grow into that space - controlling them will mean they can never really launch themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ A therapist who says you “really need meds” is a crappy therapist. Seriously. Therapist should be able to help you considerably even apart from medication.

As a therapist, reading through ops posts I would guess the conversation was more a strong recommendation for meds and trying to help OP understand that sometimes, for some people, there are limitations to the amount of progress you can make without meds taking the edge off of the obsessive thoughts and anxiety (for example).

+1

And the therapist understanding that in some cases, taking meds can facilitate the therapeutic process.

Also, for some psychiatric diagnoses, it would be malpractice *not* to recommend meds. You can’t talk your way out of biology, and I’m a huge believer in psychotherapy. It’s not either-or.

[Anonymous]

You are a sick lady OP