Inflexible, Perfectionist Parents, How Did You Relax Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

So homemade hummus is more important than spending time with your kid? Truthfully OP, I don't think you want help. I think you enjoy being smug and holding how "perfect" you are over everyone. The funny this is that no one envies you.

[Anonymous]

Medication has already been suggested, so I’ll go a different route.

You need to pick one behavior you want to change. Pay attention to the thought pattern(s) that precedes the behavior. When you’ve identified the thought pattern, (thought patterns can be a very very long or quite short) start to pay attention to the triggering thought. When that thought happens, you have to retrain your brain so that it leads to a different behavior. You need to mentally rehearse/visualize changing the thoughts and behavior.

Love and logic teaches this in a very specific style that works for some people. You plan and mentally rehearse what you’re going to say, so even when you’re angry, you use an auto pilot response.

The visualization and rehearsal is like practicing shooting free throws—you build muscle memory in hopes of better outcomes.

The hard part with parenting is it’s a long game. All the best decisions and practices may or may not result in happy, healthy adults. As much as we think we control the day-to-day, we don’t control the future.

[Anonymous]

I posted about my mom being like OP. I forgot about the lying! Oh man I lied about EVERYTHING to my mom. Big and small.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think you need to reread your post and think about it from your kids perspective.

1. Your kid will lie to you about eating food other places. If you're lucky they won't develop an eating disorder (I did)
2. Your kids aren't going to remember your homemade hummus. They are going to remember that you chose making hummus over spending time with them
3. Your kids are going to walk on eggshells around you. Can I touch this or do this? Or will mom tell at me
4. Your kids are never going to be able to come to you about anything. They are going to be too scared. DD hates gymnastics but keeps doing it because she is afraid to tell you she actually wants to try something else, despite the fact that you think you tailored gymnastics perfectly to her personality.

So think about things.from their perspective. Because I guarantee you they will have a happier and healthier childhood if they have a mom they can be open with and spend time with and not be afraid of. Even if that means store bought hummus. So whenever you start to control a situation, think "is this really what's best for my kid?"

[Anonymous]

Your hubby a spineless goon OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, is the dreaded side effect weight gain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medication has already been suggested, so I’ll go a different route.

You need to pick one behavior you want to change. Pay attention to the thought pattern(s) that precedes the behavior. When you’ve identified the thought pattern, (thought patterns can be a very very long or quite short) start to pay attention to the triggering thought. When that thought happens, you have to retrain your brain so that it leads to a different behavior. You need to mentally rehearse/visualize changing the thoughts and behavior.

Love and logic teaches this in a very specific style that works for some people. You plan and mentally rehearse what you’re going to say, so even when you’re angry, you use an auto pilot response.

The visualization and rehearsal is like practicing shooting free throws—you build muscle memory in hopes of better outcomes.

The hard part with parenting is it’s a long game. All the best decisions and practices may or may not result in happy, healthy adults. As much as we think we control the day-to-day, we don’t control the future.

I was thinking something similar. "Change your personality and parenting" is too big and diffuse and not something you really want to do. I would say, work with an expert (parenting coach, family therapist, social worker) to identify some specific strategies to connect with your kids and commit to using those strategies every day. One that came immediately to mind when I read your OP was "time in" with each kid each day, so say a half-hour that is completely kid-let when you only give positive feedback. Add a few tasks like that into your daily life, so even if you are inflexible overall, you are adding in some flexible, kid-centered space to each day. Maybe the person your daughter is seeing could suggest someone for you to work with.

[Anonymous]

Your kid already has anxiety. Because of you. How is that better than store bought hummus? Your priorities are out of whack and your children are suffering. One thing for sure is DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD.

[Anonymous]

Op, there is a big difference between throwing your kid a cereal bar and not spending time with them to ensure their food is whole and organic. There is a very happy medium. The fact that you can't see that signals a mental health problem.

What's the issue with meds? They mellow you out? Well that's the point. You gain weight? Well I'd rather be a size 10 with a happy and healthy family than a size 2 and have everyone be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you won't take meds, would you consider smoking weed? I'm not kidding.

You are doing all this for your kids to have a perfect childhood, but all your kids are going to remember is how uptight and shrill you were. I know, because i had that parent. My mother made our peanut butter. It sucked. We weren't allowed to eat anything with artificial flavoring or coloring. Cake at a birthday party? Nope! M&Ms? Nope!

I got in trouble all the time for breaking rules. There were too many to keep track of. My sibling and I both live across the country from our mother, see her once a year, and have terrible memories of growing up and being at home.

Agree with this on all counts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my mom being like OP. I forgot about the lying! Oh man I lied about EVERYTHING to my mom. Big and small.

Another PP and I also forgot about the lying. Just constant lies all day every day to avoid arguments. Started
off lying about minor school assignments or whether I practiced my instrument when she was out. Moves to lying all the time as a teen. Got myself in some pickles. I may have anyway, but I know I could never go to my mom with them so I figured out a solution. One that, in retrospect, was definitely not a good one.

Only plus side is I can come up with white lies so so easily. DH always wonders how I do that so quickly when needed but I have decades of daily practice. Don’t make your kids do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my mom being like OP. I forgot about the lying! Oh man I lied about EVERYTHING to my mom. Big and small.

Another PP and I also forgot about the lying. Just constant lies all day every day to avoid arguments. Started
off lying about minor school assignments or whether I practiced my instrument when she was out. Moves to lying all the time as a teen. Got myself in some pickles. I may have anyway, but I know I could never go to my mom with them so I figured out a solution. One that, in retrospect, was definitely not a good one.

Only plus side is I can come up with white lies so so easily. DH always wonders how I do that so quickly when needed but I have decades of daily practice. Don’t make your kids do that.

I hadn't really realized the impact of how easily I lie until I had DS. You know how reallly little kids ask questions and you just kind of make up an answer to them? DH was shocked by how easily and quickly I came up with those lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my mom being like OP. I forgot about the lying! Oh man I lied about EVERYTHING to my mom. Big and small.

Another PP and I also forgot about the lying. Just constant lies all day every day to avoid arguments. Started
off lying about minor school assignments or whether I practiced my instrument when she was out. Moves to lying all the time as a teen. Got myself in some pickles. I may have anyway, but I know I could never go to my mom with them so I figured out a solution. One that, in retrospect, was definitely not a good one.

Only plus side is I can come up with white lies so so easily. DH always wonders how I do that so quickly when needed but I have decades of daily practice. Don’t make your kids do that.

I hadn't really realized the impact of how easily I lie until I had DS. You know how reallly little kids ask questions and you just kind of make up an answer to them? DH was shocked by how easily and quickly I came up with those lies.

Yes to all of this. And now my son is older and notices. And so I’m trying to be better. But lying about things to avoid conflict has become part of who I am. My DH and I have a great relationship and I don’t lie about important things with him ever. But I do catch myself in white lies that really aren’t necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

You don't sound perfectionist. You sound like you are OCD and have mental health issues.

+1 And also a narcissist. Please, for your children, get some help. You need a better therapist and anxiety medicine. I'm curious about your DH - is he like you, or is he super passive and you just nag him into doing whatever you want, all the time? What is your sex life like?

[Anonymous]

Yeah you need meds.

If you continue at this rate, with you constantly picking on your kids for being normal young people, they will not speak to you when they are adults.