When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events

[Anonymous]

Everyone can't be friends with everyone. The excluded mom is going to have to find her niche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP ugh. This is dripping with mean girl passive aggressive. So there are a dozen moms in the neighborhood with same aged kids and they all hang out, with the exception of the one mom who is only sometimes/rarely invited, and there is bragging on social media, and the odd mom out is asking about it, and you feel sorry for YOURSELF because she is reaching out to you. Get over yourself sheesh. What a bratty group of neighbors. PS i guarantee this group will blow up in your face.

+1. OP this woman is reaching out to you because she thinks of you as Her friend. You obviously don’t give a crap about her or you would have stuck up for her. Be honest with her and yourself.

[Anonymous]

Wow after reading this thread I actually feel like I'm back in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP ugh. This is dripping with mean girl passive aggressive. So there are a dozen moms in the neighborhood with same aged kids and they all hang out, with the exception of the one mom who is only sometimes/rarely invited, and there is bragging on social media, and the odd mom out is asking about it, and you feel sorry for YOURSELF because she is reaching out to you. Get over yourself sheesh. What a bratty group of neighbors. PS i guarantee this group will blow up in your face.

+1. OP this woman is reaching out to you because she thinks of you as Her friend. You obviously don’t give a crap about her or you would have stuck up for her. Be honest with her and yourself.

+2

You are also angry that she was able to do something you have not and have suffered for it, so why shouldn’t she right? You are upset because she was able to express her feelings and ask directly for a resolution. Instead of simmering with the feelings, putting on a fake smile when getting together and then just feeling less than inwardly. How dare she actually be proactive an admit she has feelings and then ask someone to do something to help her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP ugh. This is dripping with mean girl passive aggressive. So there are a dozen moms in the neighborhood with same aged kids and they all hang out, with the exception of the one mom who is only sometimes/rarely invited, and there is bragging on social media, and the odd mom out is asking about it, and you feel sorry for YOURSELF because she is reaching out to you. Get over yourself sheesh. What a bratty group of neighbors. PS i guarantee this group will blow up in your face.

+1. OP this woman is reaching out to you because she thinks of you as Her friend. You obviously don’t give a crap about her or you would have stuck up for her. Be honest with her and yourself.

+2

You are also angry that she was able to do something you have not and have suffered for it, so why shouldn’t she right? You are upset because she was able to express her feelings and ask directly for a resolution. Instead of simmering with the feelings, putting on a fake smile when getting together and then just feeling less than inwardly. How dare she actually be proactive an admit she has feelings and then ask someone to do something to help her?

OP didn’t say this person was her friend. She said they were friendly. I’m friendly with lots of random people... that doesn’t mean I owe them anything, socially or otherwise. Demanding invites and getting angry with the sole friendly face in the group is just weird and probably part of the reason she isn’t being included.

And by the way, I’m usually the mom that doesn’t get included- and somehow I manage not to latch on and get angry at the other mothers for not helping me with my social issues. I have a happy extroverted child that gets lots of play date invites, but the invites never extend to when it’s group outings of moms with kids. Know whose problem that is? Mine. What is there to be honest about? It’s crystal clear. I’m embarrassed on behalf of that other mom who is basically trying to guilt her way into this group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that her child has trouble making close friends and she sees this as a way to foster that?

This might be the root of the behavior. Also: Her child might be one who's more aware of exclusion and is asking asking asking mom for play dates and involvement with other kids.

Neither of those two things is an excuse for her expecting you, OP, to act as her "in" for this group; however, these things could be explanations for her outwardly needy behavior. In other words, this could be much more about her kid and her kid's needs and personality than about her.

I'd try to be kind but clear that you'll be sure to let her know about anything you organize but you didn't arrange invitations for another family's "party." Then change the topic and move on. If you like her and her kid and her kid gets along with yours, consider whether you're willing to set up some Zoom or online games your two kids--not the whole group--can play once a week online during distancing. If you care to. But if you do, I'd avoid talking about it on social media or some other parent is going to ask why the whole gang wasn't invited to play, blah blah....It's the curse of social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

Read your post again. Yes, you were intending to exclude her. You just offered many excuses why you didn't. And those may or may not be valid/reasonable. But, you did intend it.

Look, don't you teach your kid some version of the golden rule? How would you feel if you were this mom/family? It's really not THAT hard to include her unless you don't want to, which is what it seems. You tell her when things are happening. If someone else is having something informal, "hey Barb, do you mind if I ask Sally?" That's what my friends do and, unless your friends are stick up the ass types or don't like "Sally", I don't see the problem here (formal events are different and maybe that applies to a "drive by" birthday but I personally do not think so). Because it becomes a vicious circle: You don't invite her b/c "they aren't good as friends as my kids are" but then they are excluded so that will likely never happen.

It's not that hard to just be kind and inclusive. And it blows my mind how, on this Board, people seem to make excuses time and again for why they are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP ugh. This is dripping with mean girl passive aggressive. So there are a dozen moms in the neighborhood with same aged kids and they all hang out, with the exception of the one mom who is only sometimes/rarely invited, and there is bragging on social media, and the odd mom out is asking about it, and you feel sorry for YOURSELF because she is reaching out to you. Get over yourself sheesh. What a bratty group of neighbors. PS i guarantee this group will blow up in your face.

+1. OP this woman is reaching out to you because she thinks of you as Her friend. You obviously don’t give a crap about her or you would have stuck up for her. Be honest with her and yourself.

+2

You are also angry that she was able to do something you have not and have suffered for it, so why shouldn’t she right? You are upset because she was able to express her feelings and ask directly for a resolution. Instead of simmering with the feelings, putting on a fake smile when getting together and then just feeling less than inwardly. How dare she actually be proactive an admit she has feelings and then ask someone to do something to help her?

OP didn’t say this person was her friend. She said they were friendly. I’m friendly with lots of random people... that doesn’t mean I owe them anything, socially or otherwise. Demanding invites and getting angry with the sole friendly face in the group is just weird and probably part of the reason she isn’t being included.

And by the way, I’m usually the mom that doesn’t get included- and somehow I manage not to latch on and get angry at the other mothers for not helping me with my social issues. I have a happy extroverted child that gets lots of play date invites, but the invites never extend to when it’s group outings of moms with kids. Know whose problem that is? Mine. What is there to be honest about? It’s crystal clear. I’m embarrassed on behalf of that other mom who is basically trying to guilt her way into this group.

SHE IS TRYING TO BE FRIENDS. That's how this works. Geez. She's not "guild tripping", she's upset that the Queen Bee mommy group in her neighborhood can't be bothered to include one additional family. And she's right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP ugh. This is dripping with mean girl passive aggressive. So there are a dozen moms in the neighborhood with same aged kids and they all hang out, with the exception of the one mom who is only sometimes/rarely invited, and there is bragging on social media, and the odd mom out is asking about it, and you feel sorry for YOURSELF because she is reaching out to you. Get over yourself sheesh. What a bratty group of neighbors. PS i guarantee this group will blow up in your face.

+1. OP this woman is reaching out to you because she thinks of you as Her friend. You obviously don’t give a crap about her or you would have stuck up for her. Be honest with her and yourself.

+2

You are also angry that she was able to do something you have not and have suffered for it, so why shouldn’t she right? You are upset because she was able to express her feelings and ask directly for a resolution. Instead of simmering with the feelings, putting on a fake smile when getting together and then just feeling less than inwardly. How dare she actually be proactive an admit she has feelings and then ask someone to do something to help her?

Uh, WHAT? The left-out friend did not directly express her feelings AT ALL! She vented to OP--who did not organize the event--instead of directly contacting the person who DID organize the event. The left-out friend is being manipulative by trying to bring OP into this when it literally is none of OP's business!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

Read your post again. Yes, you were intending to exclude her. You just offered many excuses why you didn't. And those may or may not be valid/reasonable. But, you did intend it.

Look, don't you teach your kid some version of the golden rule? How would you feel if you were this mom/family? It's really not THAT hard to include her unless you don't want to, which is what it seems. You tell her when things are happening. If someone else is having something informal, "hey Barb, do you mind if I ask Sally?" That's what my friends do and, unless your friends are stick up the ass types or don't like "Sally", I don't see the problem here (formal events are different and maybe that applies to a "drive by" birthday but I personally do not think so). Because it becomes a vicious circle: You don't invite her b/c "they aren't good as friends as my kids are" but then they are excluded so that will likely never happen.

It's not that hard to just be kind and inclusive. And it blows my mind how, on this Board, people seem to make excuses time and again for why they are not.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR OP TO EXCLUDE SOMEONE FROM SOMETHING THAT IS NOT. HER. EVENT! SHE IS NOT IN CHARGE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S EVENT. If you people are in the habit of inviting people to someone else's event without checking with the host first, or commenting on the host's decisions about his are her own events, know how incredibly rude and out of bounds.

[Anonymous]

These boards often seem to bring out "projection" tendencies in people, who extrapolate situations and ascribe behaviors to the OP that have no relevance to their posts or questions. Insults also often get hurled. It's a fascinating psychological phenomenon.

Who on earth would invite someone else to another person's child's birthday party?? It's beyond rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

Read your post again. Yes, you were intending to exclude her. You just offered many excuses why you didn't. And those may or may not be valid/reasonable. But, you did intend it.

Look, don't you teach your kid some version of the golden rule? How would you feel if you were this mom/family? It's really not THAT hard to include her unless you don't want to, which is what it seems. You tell her when things are happening. If someone else is having something informal, "hey Barb, do you mind if I ask Sally?" That's what my friends do and, unless your friends are stick up the ass types or don't like "Sally", I don't see the problem here (formal events are different and maybe that applies to a "drive by" birthday but I personally do not think so). Because it becomes a vicious circle: You don't invite her b/c "they aren't good as friends as my kids are" but then they are excluded so that will likely never happen.

It's not that hard to just be kind and inclusive. And it blows my mind how, on this Board, people seem to make excuses time and again for why they are not.

So, by your logic, every time the OP is invited somewhere by anyone, she has to ask if her friend can tag along? They're not married. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

I think the real issue is with adults posting party photos on social media. It leads to no good! People inevitably get hurt feelings. Share via text with the group invited, don't broadcast it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These boards often seem to bring out "projection" tendencies in people, who extrapolate situations and ascribe behaviors to the OP that have no relevance to their posts or questions. Insults also often get hurled. It's a fascinating psychological phenomenon.

Who on earth would invite someone else to another person's child's birthday party?? It's beyond rude.

But it wasn't really a birthday party. Didn't cost the birthday child's mother any money. It's literally driving by (on public roads). I can't imagine the birthday child would be ticked off by an additional child waving from the car and wishing them a happy birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is with adults posting party photos on social media. It leads to no good! People inevitably get hurt feelings. Share via text with the group invited, don't broadcast it!

I agree - I don’t do it.