When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events

[Anonymous]

OP, don't take the attacks to heart — they either are the mom you're talking about or women with similar traits who recognize themselves and are triggered by your post. Many of us have been where you are and understand how stressful and upsetting it is. I'm in this mess too. The anger behind the attacks I experienced have just blown me away. I'm still getting over it. I know it came from a place of deep insecurity and pain, but I have enough going on without becoming a lightning rod for someone else's unhappiness and rage that I am powerless to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These boards often seem to bring out "projection" tendencies in people, who extrapolate situations and ascribe behaviors to the OP that have no relevance to their posts or questions. Insults also often get hurled. It's a fascinating psychological phenomenon.

Who on earth would invite someone else to another person's child's birthday party?? It's beyond rude.

But it wasn't really a birthday party. Didn't cost the birthday child's mother any money. It's literally driving by (on public roads). I can't imagine the birthday child would be ticked off by an additional child waving from the car and wishing them a happy birthday.

It doesn't matter! Someone else's event is someone else's event!

If someone invited a certain person in my neighborhood to even a drive-by event I organized for my child without checking with me, they would be treated to an earful about how that neighbor made racist comments in front of my children, and I choose to never have that person around me or my children EVER AGAIN. Mind your business. Hint: your business is not inviting people to anyone's event but YOUR OWN.

So, if I, a stranger, happen to drive down your street and see the birthday kid outside, and people in other cars are smiling and waving at them, and I wave and smile as well, whatcha gonna do? Oh right, NOTHING. You don’t own the street. It’s not really an event. It’s people on public property waving at your child. How does one extra child waving hurt your child? You’re a batshit crazy control freak.

The irony of you wanting to invite people to events you don’t host, thus controlling the guest list, and calling someone else controlling! Good chuckle. - np

I’m not talking about inviting people to other people’s events. I’m saying that you can’t control who drives down your street and waves at your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those beating up OP about the drive-by party. She clarified up thread that this was a kid party held in the host's front yard and the host handed out goody bags etc. I think it is clear that this was not a "community event". And it was held on someone's private property.

Lots of drama in this friend group, OP. I'd start distancing yourself from this clique, or, just be honest with this "outsider" friend that you can't help her be on the inside.

Then it’s not a drive by party, the OP misrepresented it, and deserves the shit she’s getting. And frankly it’s totally irresponsible to have an in-person children’s party right now, and I’d judge anyone who either held or attended one.

[Anonymous]

OP, this would be a lot easier if you would just tell everyone one right out what’s “wrong” with friend that no one wants her in the group, and why you won’t stand up to the group to try to get her in. Is she fat? A POC? A transplant from flyover? Has a job not on the approved list of white collar/ professional ones? Not a high enough HHI?

She probably has some nice qualities, like participates in school pickups or something, so everyone wants to keep her around, as long as they don’t have to actually HAVE her around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this would be a lot easier if you would just tell everyone one right out what’s “wrong” with friend that no one wants her in the group, and why you won’t stand up to the group to try to get her in. Is she fat? A POC? A transplant from flyover? Has a job not on the approved list of white collar/ professional ones? Not a high enough HHI?

She probably has some nice qualities, like participates in school pickups or something, so everyone wants to keep her around, as long as they don’t have to actually HAVE her around.

There is so much projection in this post I can't even. PP, start your own thread and quit bullying OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this would be a lot easier if you would just tell everyone one right out what’s “wrong” with friend that no one wants her in the group, and why you won’t stand up to the group to try to get her in. Is she fat? A POC? A transplant from flyover? Has a job not on the approved list of white collar/ professional ones? Not a high enough HHI?

She probably has some nice qualities, like participates in school pickups or something, so everyone wants to keep her around, as long as they don’t have to actually HAVE her around.

There is so much projection in this post I can't even. PP, start your own thread and quit bullying OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This stems from a deep, deep insecurity by the "left out" mom.

I have met people like this. I think the only thing you can probbaly do if you want to maintain a relationship that is peaceful, OP, is say sorry and that you are trying your best but you can't control other people and you simply forgot about her or basically keep it simple...This person probably isn't rational and you don't really owe her anything as others have said. If you are not really sorry (and you really shouldn't be) That's ok. You didn't do anything wrong.

In general, I have found that some people also tend to blow up at people after you help them a bunch of times (with anything) but then the 10th time your help is less than or not as perfect as what they expected in your minds. They can grow to hate you more than someone who never did ANYTHING for them. In my experience.

Personally I have felt left out of some mom groups occassionally but I am more concerned about my kids than myself. I try to invite others to things and take some ownership of the situation. Maybe you can suggest that to your friend too.

^^All of this. It's the borderlines, I think, who do this. They latch on to someone, pin their needs on them, and set unmeetable expectations of perfection, emotional caretaking, and submission—then when the unlucky chosen one fails to meet their ideals, they lash out in anger in ways that shock normal people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm part of a loose group of friends like this, I would say something to the host like "do you mind if I invite A or is this just a close friend thing?" If it's a situation where people like her but it's just an oversight because she is less close to certain people, I would go out of my way to make sure she is invited-and I would hope others would do the same for me.

+ 1000, this. It is not that complicated and it hurts to be left out, and it probrbaly also hurst her for her child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is wild!
I am most curious about why the Left Out mom would want to be invited to gatherings where she hadn't been included?
I always thought people would want to be invited to do things with friends that had a mutual like of each other. Does Left Out mom think people will like her more if she is present more?
I mean.. a car parade isn't even somewhere you would have a conversation?
Is it simply wanting to belong?
Is it trying to socially engineer her child's life?
People are incredibly neurotic about things that don't bring joy to their lives

Maybe she wants to make more friends or expand her social life!

Friends are people who WANT to be around you. Have you not learnt this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This stems from a deep, deep insecurity by the "left out" mom.

I have met people like this. I think the only thing you can probbaly do if you want to maintain a relationship that is peaceful, OP, is say sorry and that you are trying your best but you can't control other people and you simply forgot about her or basically keep it simple...This person probably isn't rational and you don't really owe her anything as others have said. If you are not really sorry (and you really shouldn't be) That's ok. You didn't do anything wrong.

In general, I have found that some people also tend to blow up at people after you help them a bunch of times (with anything) but then the 10th time your help is less than or not as perfect as what they expected in your minds. They can grow to hate you more than someone who never did ANYTHING for them. In my experience.

Personally I have felt left out of some mom groups occassionally but I am more concerned about my kids than myself. I try to invite others to things and take some ownership of the situation. Maybe you can suggest that to your friend too.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this would be a lot easier if you would just tell everyone one right out what’s “wrong” with friend that no one wants her in the group, and why you won’t stand up to the group to try to get her in. Is she fat? A POC? A transplant from flyover? Has a job not on the approved list of white collar/ professional ones? Not a high enough HHI?

She probably has some nice qualities, like participates in school pickups or something, so everyone wants to keep her around, as long as they don’t have to actually HAVE her around.

This thread is endless but I love this post: moms listen up here’s your list to conform to. If you don’t you deserve what you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this would be a lot easier if you would just tell everyone one right out what’s “wrong” with friend that no one wants her in the group, and why you won’t stand up to the group to try to get her in. Is she fat? A POC? A transplant from flyover? Has a job not on the approved list of white collar/ professional ones? Not a high enough HHI?

She probably has some nice qualities, like participates in school pickups or something, so everyone wants to keep her around, as long as they don’t have to actually HAVE her around.

There is so much projection in this post I can't even. PP, start your own thread and quit bullying OP.

+1

+2. Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this would be a lot easier if you would just tell everyone one right out what’s “wrong” with friend that no one wants her in the group, and why you won’t stand up to the group to try to get her in. Is she fat? A POC? A transplant from flyover? Has a job not on the approved list of white collar/ professional ones? Not a high enough HHI?

She probably has some nice qualities, like participates in school pickups or something, so everyone wants to keep her around, as long as they don’t have to actually HAVE her around.

There is so much projection in this post I can't even. PP, start your own thread and quit bullying OP.

+1

+2. Holy crap.

+1,000,000

These angry ladies have too much time on their hands. OP I relate to you. I work and do not get sucked into drama. I would distance myself from the crazy lady. We don't get invited to some things and it's fine with me. I don't believe in social engineering. I only want my kids playing with kids who want to be with them. I don't temper tantrum my way into invites.

The amount of projection and psychopathology in this thread is alarming. Let it go people. I am sure there are some moms out there trying to be cool girls, but the ones I know are just trying to survive their lives and could care less. Nobody wants to hang out with the lady who has a nervous breakdown over little things and guilt trips and makes accusations. Guess what, all you armchair psychologists accusing OP of being a wannabe cool girl, what the "friend" did can be a sign of emotional abuse and may be a red flag she could have a personality disorder. OP is NOT responsible for this woman's happiness. OP did not deserve the anger. It is not OP's job to tell these people who to invite to a birthday party. One of my kids has autism and I found out there was social engineering to get him invited to a birthday party I would be livid. He does not need pity. He has friends. I don't expect anyone to manipulate things for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is wild!
I am most curious about why the Left Out mom would want to be invited to gatherings where she hadn't been included?
I always thought people would want to be invited to do things with friends that had a mutual like of each other. Does Left Out mom think people will like her more if she is present more?
I mean.. a car parade isn't even somewhere you would have a conversation?
Is it simply wanting to belong?
Is it trying to socially engineer her child's life?
People are incredibly neurotic about things that don't bring joy to their lives

Maybe she wants to make more friends or expand her social life!

Friends are people who WANT to be around you. Have you not learnt this?

+1 Thank you! Why anyone would want to emotionally manipulate their way into a friend group is beyond me. Also cannot believe how many posters think it’s the least bit acceptable that this “left out” woman badgers another woman for access to this group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez, would it kill you, people to invite them to drive by? Someone organised the drive by, right?

But no, you have to act like you’re in middle school. Without excluding someone you just wouldn’t feel special.

It's rude to invite someone to something someone else organized.