When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She wanted you to give her a heads up if anyone had an event, not necessarily invite her to other people’s events.

In essence, she wanted you to be her spy. She probably doesn’t understand it as crossing a line, which it actually does.

You can respond with:

“I’m happy to invite you to events I host, but it feels weird to tell you of other people’s events. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I hope you understand my position.”

Good advice. You have no control over what other people do, and shouldn't be a spy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well the truth is that she IS being excluded, so her feelings are valid. The problem is, she thinks you can help with the exclusion, but you cannot or will not. You know this OP but she does not, because you haven’t been honest with her. You value your inclusion in this group more than rocking the boat on the other woman’s behalf. Ok, fine, whatever. But don’t try to have it both ways - be direct and tell her, yes you get left out but I can’t or won’t do anything about it. Then she can decide if she wants to be friends with you.

I always do include her with my events. She wants me to text or email her every time anything in this group happens, even if it has nothing to do with me (see: someone else's birthday party).

You say that some of the get together are organic and not planned. Can you text her when one is happening and include her then? “Hey Sally, we are all doing s’mores tonight at 8pm.” Or “Come on down right now, the ice cream truck is here. “.

[Anonymous]

I would just point blank say - “I’ll be sure to invite you when I’m hosting. If it’s someone else organizing, I can’t always bring more people. If i can, I will. If you want to be invited more - why don’t you host some things and invite these people?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just point blank say - “I’ll be sure to invite you when I’m hosting. If it’s someone else organizing, I can’t always bring more people. If i can, I will. If you want to be invited more - why don’t you host some things and invite these people?”

Also, if that’s not ok, I would say maybe we need to take a break because I can’t handle people being mad at me for things out of my control.

[Anonymous]

She is now upset with me

Maybe that's why she doesn't have friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

OP I think your answer is in the question. Your friend is socially awkward by putting you in this position.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you NICELY inform some of the other moms that Larla would like for Laslo to be more a part of the group and perhaps when they have events they can remember to include Larla and Laslo? Don't be a b about it or roll your eyes or ask like it's a burden. Ask nicely and try to help this woman enter into your social circle. This really isn't that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well the truth is that she IS being excluded, so her feelings are valid. The problem is, she thinks you can help with the exclusion, but you cannot or will not. You know this OP but she does not, because you haven’t been honest with her. You value your inclusion in this group more than rocking the boat on the other woman’s behalf. Ok, fine, whatever. But don’t try to have it both ways - be direct and tell her, yes you get left out but I can’t or won’t do anything about it. Then she can decide if she wants to be friends with you.

Yes, this. I am sad for this other mother. She has chosen the wrong person to help her be more social with this group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my good friend. Because of her personality, she attracts most people - she is an extrovert. Sometimes, there will be people on the periphery who try to take advantage, without reciprocating. One solution she found was to make smaller groups.

LOL. Extroverts do not attract most people--they are a turn off to most.

[Anonymous]

Well sounds like she IS being excluded. Why?

That said, not sure what you can do about it when you are not the host.

“Her son isn’t friends with the others” - in 2nd grade?? BS. In 4th/5th grade? Yes. But at 2nd grade and under- nonsense. The moms are friends, much more so than the kids.

Invite her when you can, and encourage others to for large events as well IMO, if you can do so politely.

In a few years the kids really WILL have their own friends and the mom thing will likely not matter anymore anyway.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is socially awkward or doesn’t want to put in the effort needed to maintain these acquaintances. Bc she doesn’t know how to do this she is trying to solve it in an equally socially awkward way.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to clarify whether she is (1) disliked or (2) just kind of forgotten for whatever reason

Is she is disliked by the others, then I don’t see what you can do really. You can and should continue inviting her to your events if you are friends, but you can’t make others like her..

I will say that I moved to a new town when my DC were 4 and 6- made a new friend who included me (in neighborhood and other impromptu get togethers with the kids, and introduced us around) and I was so grateful! She is a wonderful person and we are still friends, nearly 10 years later. I’m also still friendly with many or most of the other moms I met- even though we’ve gone separate ways to some degree as our kids have gotten older. If you can be kind- why not?

In 2nd grade, it really isn’t about the kids- unless the kids is just awful (a terrible bully etc) it tends to be more about the mom friendships from what I recall.

I do find it odd that she expects you to do this and is upset with you...I was grateful but never felt entitled to be included. And certainly wouldn’t have ever mentioned it in the way she is. This makes me wonder if there is something a bit odd about her and the rest of the group dislikes her for that reason..

[Anonymous]

OP, is the mom outside the group in your neighborhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d text her back with: “So you’re hurt because I didn’t tell you about someone else’s birthday drive by? Clearly we don’t have the same understanding of what our friendship is. I’m happy to talk this through with you. But I’m not taking responsibility for this.”

What an absolutely awful response.

Yeah seriously. What an awful person. Haven’t you ever felt left out in life? She is out of line but a little kindness goes a long way. “I can hear you are hurt and I feel for you. It was it not my place to share another family’s party information with you. I am happy to include you when I hosting events But I am uncomfortable with your expectation that I inform you about other people’s social events.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you NICELY inform some of the other moms that Larla would like for Laslo to be more a part of the group and perhaps when they have events they can remember to include Larla and Laslo? Don't be a b about it or roll your eyes or ask like it's a burden. Ask nicely and try to help this woman enter into your social circle. This really isn't that hard.

+1 seriously. I totally hear you op on how this situation happened and it wasn’t your fault, but she IS being left out and she’s asking you to help and I just think you need to do the right thing and try to help. Isn’t that what you would want to help your kid learn if he was in this situation? To think through how he could help this person feel more welcome? Yes we can still have boundaries and it doesn’t have to be everything but if you know someone is feeling left out, help others in the group realize that so you can all be better models for your kids on how to be inclusive. It would have been no skin off anyone’s back to have her drive her car in that parade, so for example you could have texted the mom of that kid and said hey do you mind if I mention this to x? I think she would love to join. I know x and x aren’t that close, but x (kid) gets left out sometimes and I think it would mean a lot if we made an effort. And then just keep making those efforts and connections for her.