When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events

[Anonymous]

I have a sticky friend situation. (We need a friendship board here.)

I live in a kid-friendly neighborhood; many of us have kids the same age (grade 2 and under), and there is a group of a dozen or so of us who hang out fairly regularly. Within that group, certain folks see one another more often due to proximity, kids gender, sports, what have you.

There's a mom outside this group with whom I'm friendly. Her son simply isn't as close with the kids of these parents. It's nothing personal at all; organically, get-togethers just don't involve her as much.

Before COVID, the "left out" mom (for lack of a better term) asked me to keep her informed next time this group hung out. It was a bit awkward, simply because I wasn't always the host -- for instance, if someone had a barbecue, was I supposed to ask her? If it was an outing like a bar, I would tell her. Often she would decline anyway.

Well, there was a drive-by "parade" for one of the kids in the group's birthdays. The mom posted it on social media, with photos of people driving by and waving, a singalong etc. My "left out" friend sent me a text asking why I didn't tell her about the birthday party, saying she's really hurt, I'd told her I'd keep her in the loop about future events. I told her I was sorry, but it was not even my child's birthday, it was someone else's party. She is now upset with me and I really don't know what to say. Nobody was trying to exclude her; her son simply isn't friends with this girl and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to invite this kid!!?

What do I say??

[Anonymous]

I’d tell her you will always inform and invite her to events that You plan but you can’t invite her to other people’s events. Maybe she should hosts some things herself? You aren’t her social coordinator

[Anonymous]

You say, "The host of the party invited the guests. It wasn't my place to invite you. I'm curious as to why you would think that I should invite you to someone else's party?" That said, if the whole crew knows she wants to be invited and is posting it on social media then they are being mean girls. Also, don't pretend it's about the kids getting along. At two, it's about the moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say, "The host of the party invited the guests. It wasn't my place to invite you. I'm curious as to why you would think that I should invite you to someone else's party?" That said, if the whole crew knows she wants to be invited and is posting it on social media then they are being mean girls. Also, don't pretend it's about the kids getting along. At two, it's about the moms.

Grade two. Not two years old!!

[Anonymous]

Geez, would it kill you, people to invite them to drive by? Someone organised the drive by, right?

But no, you have to act like you’re in middle school. Without excluding someone you just wouldn’t feel special.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you include her more?

[Anonymous]

Just ignore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez, would it kill you, people to invite them to drive by? Someone organised the drive by, right?

But no, you have to act like you’re in middle school. Without excluding someone you just wouldn’t feel special.

It wasn’t OP’s party, she didn’t organize it, and it is rude to invite other people if you are not the host.

Not OP’s problem.

[Anonymous]

I’d text her back with: “So you’re hurt because I didn’t tell you about someone else’s birthday drive by? Clearly we don’t have the same understanding of what our friendship is. I’m happy to talk this through with you. But I’m not taking responsibility for this.”

[Anonymous]

Well the truth is that she IS being excluded, so her feelings are valid. The problem is, she thinks you can help with the exclusion, but you cannot or will not. You know this OP but she does not, because you haven’t been honest with her. You value your inclusion in this group more than rocking the boat on the other woman’s behalf. Ok, fine, whatever. But don’t try to have it both ways - be direct and tell her, yes you get left out but I can’t or won’t do anything about it. Then she can decide if she wants to be friends with you.

[Anonymous]

"You'll have to ask Sally about that; it was not my event."

"You'll have to ask Janae about that; it was not my event."

[Anonymous]

After the age of 35 or so, I've simply dropped or ignored needy, clingy friends. If you haven't figured out how to navigate social dynamics by now, I can't help you.

I will never be intentionally rude or exclusionary. But I'm not here to babysit. If you are overly shy, mousy, passive aggressive or socially awkward, I am not here to spend my time and energy bringing you along. I'll always be cordial, but I'm not your life coach. Best of luck. I wouldn't bother responding to such nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez, would it kill you, people to invite them to drive by? Someone organised the drive by, right?

But no, you have to act like you’re in middle school. Without excluding someone you just wouldn’t feel special.

So OP is supposed to mastermind the guest list for someone else's child's birthday?

[Anonymous]

She wanted you to give her a heads up if anyone had an event, not necessarily invite her to other people’s events.

In essence, she wanted you to be her spy. She probably doesn’t understand it as crossing a line, which it actually does.

You can respond with:

“I’m happy to invite you to events I host, but it feels weird to tell you of other people’s events. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I hope you understand my position.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well the truth is that she IS being excluded, so her feelings are valid. The problem is, she thinks you can help with the exclusion, but you cannot or will not. You know this OP but she does not, because you haven’t been honest with her. You value your inclusion in this group more than rocking the boat on the other woman’s behalf. Ok, fine, whatever. But don’t try to have it both ways - be direct and tell her, yes you get left out but I can’t or won’t do anything about it. Then she can decide if she wants to be friends with you.

I always do include her with my events. She wants me to text or email her every time anything in this group happens, even if it has nothing to do with me (see: someone else's birthday party).