Reply to Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My step daughter lived with us growing up, she visited her mom every other weekend and at her request. 
My husband passed away when she way 17. She requested to stay with me and her younger siblings. Her mother gave me temporary custody until she turned 18. 
She went to college and alternated between my house and her mother’s for holidays and stayed with me for summers. I moved several states away her senior year of college. She graduated and lives with me.

Honestly, it depends on the kid and what they want. [/quote]

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your DH. And you definitely stepped up for SD, imo.

You say it depends on what the kid wants. When does it become about what the parents want/need? I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I’m worn out. Dealing with BM has ground me down, I’ve done my best by DC and we just always are at odds. I kind of want to move my life forward - remodel the house, have a loving adult relationship, not have to constantly be nagging an adult child to do x, y, z.

As some people put it, I just don’t have the bandwidth.[/quote]

It’s never about what the parent wants - it’s always about what the kid needs.

Welcome to being a parent!

(Unless you’re a deadbeat)

[/quote]

Call me Proud Deadbeat Mom! I give my kids a lot of my time, energy, and attention but it is not unlimited, and as I have been blessed with healthy, neurotypical children being raised in a stable home their needs DO NOT always come first -- not now, when my youngest is eight years old, and certainly not later.  I think that modern middle class parents have a grossly distorted understanding of "need."  I was not put on this earth to be their mother; I am here to live and to prepare them to lead active fulfilling lives of their own.  My children are not me, nor do they reflect or represent me, and I will not be fashioning my existence around them as they are now capable of doing much on their own.  OP's question would not cause me to lose a single wink of shuteye.  Making my life anything but comfortable for reasons wholly within your control? GTFO! Today, not tomorrow.  I don't have pets and I am not going to nag any adult.  I used to beg my DH to pick up his clothes, not leave trash, empty bottles in our room, etc.  Fast forward two years.  My room is pristine, his  -- formerly ours -- is like a pigsty.  We are both so much happier.  My name is not Mother Theresa -- nobody gets to stay in my house on my dime and drain my existence of joy.  It goes without saying that a productive, responsible child who is actively pursuing a major life goal -- be it getting a degree, starting a business, or selling a screenplay -- and willing to abide by MY rules in MY house is welcome to stay as long as she wishes.[/quote]

Okay Deadbeat mom!

But I prefer emotionally unavailable.[/quote]

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