DH cheated on me, and it would've been easier to be a widow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

Divorced moms get social isolation from people that weren't their friends to begin with.

Fast forward to 2020.

Oh wow. Divorced moms get social isolation in private schools from moms whose own marriages are sketchy. Fast forward a few years and see how many of the other moms are divorced themselves.

And widowed moms get five months of fake over-the-top dramatic sympathy and then social isolation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one cares anymore about someone being gay anymore. If the OP tells, it might backfire on her. People will give him sympathy and see her as a gossipy shrew and ungrateful, especially if he has given her a life that others envy. This will really happen if he is a good mN otherwise.

Move on with dignity. You will get half.

Being gay is okay, but people also understand how a hetero spouse isn’t okay with it and would feel hurt and betrayed. At the end of the day, he’s blowing up their lives because he was cowardly and dishonest when it mattered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

She could have made her point without minimizing the suffering of widows.

Do you have any evidence to support your theory that outcomes are worse for kids with living parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to counseling and try to stay together, if your marriage has otherwise been good? Why not try? I don’t think this has to be the end.

Did he tell you about the cheating? How did you find out?

He gave me an STD and he cheated with men, so...no.

So is he gay then? If he is okay with his parents and your friends knowing, maybe you can maintain a relationship with the parents and friends, and even have a friendship with him over time. People should understand that if he is gay, this marriage shouldn’t have happened in the first place. You mention that he is your best friend. Maybe one day you will be confiding in him about your next relationship.

Nope, he claims he's 100 percent straight. And of course he doesn't want me to tell anyone.

Here's how you get your support network back - TELL EVERYONE.

(whisper to one person)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

Divorced moms get social isolation from people that weren't their friends to begin with.

Fast forward to 2020.

Oh wow. Divorced moms get social isolation in private schools from moms whose own marriages are sketchy. Fast forward a few years and see how many of the other moms are divorced themselves.

And widowed moms get five months of fake over-the-top dramatic sympathy and then social isolation.

this is not a contest. Both situations are in the “this sucks” bowl. The OP was just expressing her feelings (which are valid as are yours any all of the true posters on this thread).

[Anonymous]

OH come on. The OP is angry. She's not taking an ad in the newspaper. My girlfriend said the same exact thing about her alcoholic DH who she eventually divorced. It will get better OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

She could have made her point without minimizing the suffering of widows.

Do you have any evidence to support your theory that outcomes are worse for kids with living parents?

Some people can feed a certain way without minimizing another’s opinion.

For her she would rather be a widow. For you not. Stop acting like her opinion makes yours wrong and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

I agree this is a distasteful thing to say and minimizes the suffering of widows, a situation OP can't really claim to understand (and admits).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is a distasteful thing to say and minimizes the suffering of widows, a situation OP can't really claim to understand (and admits).

As a widow, I disagree. I've also got kids with SN. Misery, hardship and invisibility are not competitions. Something that devastates me could be a bump in the road for someone else. It doesn't make me unreasonable or weak. It doesn't make the other person super strong or more resilient. It just makes us different.

No one, widow or divorcee or parent to kids with SN, gets to define who is more impacted. If you're offended, you are choosing to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is a distasteful thing to say and minimizes the suffering of widows, a situation OP can't really claim to understand (and admits).

As a widow, I disagree. I've also got kids with SN. Misery, hardship and invisibility are not competitions. Something that devastates me could be a bump in the road for someone else. It doesn't make me unreasonable or weak. It doesn't make the other person super strong or more resilient. It just makes us different.

No one, widow or divorcee or parent to kids with SN, gets to define who is more impacted. If you're offended, you are choosing to be.

+1. Lets just stop with the pain olympics. Nobody wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to counseling and try to stay together, if your marriage has otherwise been good? Why not try? I don’t think this has to be the end.

Did he tell you about the cheating? How did you find out?

He gave me an STD and he cheated with men, so...no.

Yikes, I was also going to recommend trying to make it work. My DH cheated and we are in recovery so I can relate but no way I would take him back if he were sleeping with men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

She could have made her point without minimizing the suffering of widows.

Do you have any evidence to support your theory that outcomes are worse for kids with living parents?

Np here. I’ve seen many studies that show that when a father dies vs leaves the family but stays alive, his daughters are emotionally better off vis a vis relationships with other men. Girls whose dads abandon are more likely to be promiscuous and seek attention from other men in unhealthy manners and have a lower self esteem in romantic relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one cares anymore about someone being gay anymore. If the OP tells, it might backfire on her. People will give him sympathy and see her as a gossipy shrew and ungrateful, especially if he has given her a life that others envy. This will really happen if he is a good mN otherwise.

Move on with dignity. You will get half.

No, move on with HONESTY.

She has every right to tell her truth and get support. And no, people will not give him all the sympathy in my circles. He might get some, but she will deservedly get most of it - and she will need it. And yes, I have seen this happen recently.

If you badmouth your ex, people think YOU are the bad guy, even I what you say is true.

[Anonymous]

My mother was cheated on by and divorced one husband, and was widowed by her second husband. She said both sucked, but it was easier to be widowed because the community, friends, in-laws, etc. all rallied around her and supported her. She felt the loss but wasn’t alone in it. Divorce was the same pain and loss (not just of the person, but the life she had planned and imagined) but there wasn’t the same support. She said she never felt more lonely than she did going through the divorce.

[Anonymous]

If there are people with experience with both who say that bring widowed is worse than being cheated on, how can people say that what the OP is saying is patently false or insensitive?

I’m sorry OP, that totally freaking sucks. I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.