SAHMs, how did you decide when or if to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

This line actually made my mouth drop open. At least you're honest.

There is nothing jaw dropping about her statement. She has raised her kids well and responsibly, why shouldn't she enjoy a lightened load now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the conflict, OP. I went back FT but my office is super flexible and I WAH a lot. One kid in HS and one in MS. They don't need me as much, although the evening driving to practices & games didn't get any easier. I had to give up the school volunteering though. I don't miss it. I make a bit over $100k and max out my 401k.

Suggest you have DH fund an IRA for you @ $5k annually - just as a little insurance for yourself.

My wife and I have been been doing this for a little over 10 years now and with the stock run-up we've each got $130k in there now. In another 10-20 years of contributions and market returns we could have $500k each. It seems like "only" $6k a year but it adds up.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

Well, duh. I'm not sure how that's a newsflash to anyone. It's the same story for the women who Mommy (or Daddy) track themselves and switch around jobs a lot, isn't it? The difference is that if you have more recent work experience you can always ratchet up your game once the demands at home lighten up. If you have been completely out of the workforce for 10 years you are looking at basically starting over career wise. Your skills need updating, you have no recent work history, you need to take whatever you can get and be grateful to get it.

And if you start over, you will also be surrounded by co-workers who are often not your peer group age wise and you have nothing in common with. Which sucks.

I was the whipper snapper sitting in the board room when I did work. I think I could manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

This line actually made my mouth drop open. At least you're honest.

There is nothing jaw dropping about her statement. She has raised her kids well and responsibly, why shouldn't she enjoy a lightened load now?

Sure, enjoy it. Express gratitude. The idea that a person would think they deserve it after raising kids? Gross, entitled, privileged, clueless.

[Anonymous]

I could work retail/grocery/food service again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

Well, duh. I'm not sure how that's a newsflash to anyone. It's the same story for the women who Mommy (or Daddy) track themselves and switch around jobs a lot, isn't it? The difference is that if you have more recent work experience you can always ratchet up your game once the demands at home lighten up. If you have been completely out of the workforce for 10 years you are looking at basically starting over career wise. Your skills need updating, you have no recent work history, you need to take whatever you can get and be grateful to get it.

And if you start over, you will also be surrounded by co-workers who are often not your peer group age wise and you have nothing in common with. Which sucks.

I was the whipper snapper sitting in the board room when I did work. I think I could manage.

Ok. Two completely different situations. I'm sure it felt great to be young and seen as an up and comer and given responsibility. It's going to feel a lot different when you're 45 doing the same work as 25 year olds who are talking about happy hour after work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

This line actually made my mouth drop open. At least you're honest.

There is nothing jaw dropping about her statement. She has raised her kids well and responsibly, why shouldn't she enjoy a lightened load now?

Sure, enjoy it. Express gratitude. The idea that a person would think they deserve it after raising kids? Gross, entitled, privileged, clueless.

Is she asking you for a GD thing? I don't think that she is. In fact, it sounds like she's got a mighty good handle on her own life. Kudos to her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

Well, duh. I'm not sure how that's a newsflash to anyone. It's the same story for the women who Mommy (or Daddy) track themselves and switch around jobs a lot, isn't it? The difference is that if you have more recent work experience you can always ratchet up your game once the demands at home lighten up. If you have been completely out of the workforce for 10 years you are looking at basically starting over career wise. Your skills need updating, you have no recent work history, you need to take whatever you can get and be grateful to get it.

And if you start over, you will also be surrounded by co-workers who are often not your peer group age wise and you have nothing in common with. Which sucks.

I was the whipper snapper sitting in the board room when I did work. I think I could manage.

Ok. Two completely different situations. I'm sure it felt great to be young and seen as an up and comer and given responsibility. It's going to feel a lot different when you're 45 doing the same work as 25 year olds who are talking about happy hour after work.

Yes. That is the risk you take. If it doesn't work out it can be really hard. It is important to see the forest for the trees and not put yourself in a terrible position.

[Anonymous]

I would not get a FT job in your situation unless you have worries about your marriage. Not worth the logistic hassle and you’d be giving up the flexibility to travel and do things with your kids.

I would however look for work you can do on your own terms - volunteering for a charity or political campaign, some creative endeavor, etc. Long term that fulfillment will likely be important.

I say this as a working mom with a flexible but intense job and husband who helps carry the load.

[Anonymous]

If you have arrived at a position in your life where you can choose what you WANT to do then by all means do what you WANT to do.

If you want to volunteer, volunteer. If you would prefer to flip burgers, flip burgers. If you want to binge watch Netflix, binge watch Netflix. If it was easy to get to where you are in life, everyone would do it. Be free, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar HHI and also have 3 kids. I work at Pottery Barn 12 hours or 16 hours per week...it switches back and forth. I like it because it gets my out of the school volunteer world which I was not a huge fan of (sorry! not sorry!) and it also allows me to be creative here and there with store displays and helping people put rooms together. My middle son has autism and I was starting to go down the special needs rabbit hole. Where his ASD was all I thought about, researched, talked about etc etc and Im really glad I broke that cycle because it wasn't healthy for me. I am also a CPA so from Feb to April I pick up some over flow work at a small firm by old college roommate runs.

New POster in the same situation. I've thought of doing something like this but isn't it embarrassing when you see people you know?

Not to sound like a bitch but I don't want people thinking I have to work for Pottery Barn for the money, kwim? I just want something to do.

I think it is cool Pottery Barn post is doing what makes her happy and not caring what others think.

You are awesome, Pottery Barn poster!

I am a sub at my kids school because it gets me out of the house. I am not embarrassed when my friends see my in teacher mode. They always tell their kids are relived when they hear I am their sub for the day.

Why on earth would you be embarrassed being a substitute teacher? You get to pick and choose which assignments to take and if you have something else going on that day you can just say "Sorry, not available." I would totally be a substitute.

Really? Subs are just babysitters. Nothing to respect there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

Don't you get bored? My husband makes 3x what yours makes and I currently have a very leisurely life. I spend a lot of time reading, working out, and watching Netflix. It's pretty boring.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn't see anything in your post about why you want to go back to work. What are you looking for? Are you bored? Are you worried about your future?

I don't think there's any reason you have to go back to work, and you still have a lot of years of parenting ahead of you. But if you feel like something is missing, then go ahead!

My mom, after raising and launching three kids, got a job doing people's taxes at H&R Block. I know this might sound like a "lowly" job to a lot of posters here but she loved it. She didn't need the money, but she always loved finances and doing taxes and whatnot, she is SO chatty and extroverted so she loved to chat with people about their jobs, their lives, how their years went, etc. She felt more educated about the world because she saw how Obamacare changed people's financial situations, for example - for a woman who never really spoke up about current affairs in her life it was fun to see her get engaged and have firsthand knowledge. And she LOVED being able to find little tricks to get people bigger returns. After a decade now she has a little portfolio of clients that she just does taxes for every year and she doesn't do any walk ins any more. She can set her own hours, she has tracked her clients' lives year after year, she considers them friends. And it's made her some fun money on the side.

But she had her reasons for going back. If you don't want to, don't! Life is not about work, work is not value. You have the gift and privilege to make your life what you want, so go ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM and there is no way I would go in to an office every day if my spouse made 7 figures. I'd love to spend more time with my kids and on being a great wife and friend and daughter and sister and even freaking hobbies.

And my DH would absolutely say the same thing. If I made seven figures he'd stay home in a heartbeat.

Yeah but what if your 7 figure DH dies prematurely or has an affair with a younger woman and you want a divorce? Then what’s your backup if you SAH for years?

Life insurance and a post-nup, respectively.

Thanks for asking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

IDK, to be honest with you, I think work is a drag. My husband is a c-suite executive so he's pretty senior. He enjoys the work relative to the pay (which is high six figures, low seven depending on bonus). But I mean, if we won the mega lottery he'd quit the next day.

Unless you work in a creative and or glamorous job, work is "work" and not that fun. It's often boring.

I can think of jobs that would be more fun than not (like maybe design work or something) but I am not naturally creative or artistic so not qualified to do them.