SAHMs, how did you decide when or if to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. Working keeps you a contributing and active member of society.

[Anonymous]

Some of these salaries being thrown around are crazy high. 300k, 500k.....

It's laughable to think that's a normal household income or that it's super easy peasy to get such a well compensated job. There are brain surgeons that don't make that kind of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. The ones who claim they need to stay home to manage the lives of their school aged kids are tiresome. It's one thing if you have a kid or relative with SN and you take care of them, but if you've got typical kids in school, give me a break. Just admit you are a kept woman and you enjoy it. But don't give me a song and dance about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. The ones who claim they need to stay home to manage the lives of their school aged kids are tiresome. It's one thing if you have a kid or relative with SN and you take care of them, but if you've got typical kids in school, give me a break. Just admit you are a kept woman and you enjoy it. But don't give me a song and dance about it.

Bleh, bleh, bleh. And the ones who say they could never make it on one salary or that they are somehow more precious for working are tiresome. Make your choice and own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. The ones who claim they need to stay home to manage the lives of their school aged kids are tiresome. It's one thing if you have a kid or relative with SN and you take care of them, but if you've got typical kids in school, give me a break. Just admit you are a kept woman and you enjoy it. But don't give me a song and dance about it.

I don't get how everyone pushes contributing to society and all that non-sense. Do you really thing 95% of jobs are truly contributing to society and if you aren't doing them someone else will not. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work. This poster is rambling about having WFH, flexible house and tons of grandparent help. Many of us don't have those luxuries. If some of us went back, even with master's we'd have to start from the bottom and make $40-50K, so after taxes and before/after school care plus hiring someone to take our kids to activities, it would be a wash.

I don't see how work is good. I did it for 15 years before becoming a mom. It was miserable. Worked 12+ hours a day for low pay, constant stress, very little time off and leave was regularly denied. Nasty boss, nasty co-workers who pitted against each other because of the nasty boss. Why on earth would I want to go back to that?

And, clearly posters don't have kids with SN or doing elderly care or what I have to do - both. Now I deserve a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. The ones who claim they need to stay home to manage the lives of their school aged kids are tiresome. It's one thing if you have a kid or relative with SN and you take care of them, but if you've got typical kids in school, give me a break. Just admit you are a kept woman and you enjoy it. But don't give me a song and dance about it.

I don't get how everyone pushes contributing to society and all that non-sense. Do you really thing 95% of jobs are truly contributing to society and if you aren't doing them someone else will not. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work. This poster is rambling about having WFH, flexible house and tons of grandparent help. Many of us don't have those luxuries. If some of us went back, even with master's we'd have to start from the bottom and make $40-50K, so after taxes and before/after school care plus hiring someone to take our kids to activities, it would be a wash.

I don't see how work is good. I did it for 15 years before becoming a mom. It was miserable. Worked 12+ hours a day for low pay, constant stress, very little time off and leave was regularly denied. Nasty boss, nasty co-workers who pitted against each other because of the nasty boss. Why on earth would I want to go back to that?

And, clearly posters don't have kids with SN or doing elderly care or what I have to do - both. Now I deserve a break.

Yet another example of a SAHM who didn’t stay in the workforce long enough to see all the benefits it can have when you’re senior. And does your husband deserve a break?

Every woman who quits work brings us all down a peg. And of course working contributes to society! How ignorant of you to suggest otherwise. Even the most menial jobs help keep our society afloat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. The ones who claim they need to stay home to manage the lives of their school aged kids are tiresome. It's one thing if you have a kid or relative with SN and you take care of them, but if you've got typical kids in school, give me a break. Just admit you are a kept woman and you enjoy it. But don't give me a song and dance about it.

Your last two sentences are absolute truth.

[Anonymous]

You people are nuts. I left the full time working world 30 years ago at 24 when I had my first child. I went back very part time when the youngest (now 18) started middle school. I work about 15 hours a week in a job I love so much, I would probably do it for free.

I have never felt the need to defend, explain, or justify the decision to stay at home. Nor have I ever felt the need to criticize, attack, or berate those who make different choices. It’s so weird to me that this topic evokes such drama. Also, my DH makes about 200,000 a year. And he didn’t make near that much when our kids were all still at home. I’ve never felt “poor”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I roll my eyes at the comments that seniority brings flexibility. Not at those non mommy tracked high powered jobs. My first job in finance the senior women partners went home for two hours to tuck their kids in and then back out to wine and dine clients. Staying up till midnight or one and then waking up at five again. My second job in consulting all the partners flew all over the place. Interesting how the senior women quit after awhile. In big law if you are not selling as a partner you are kaput. I know male partners away from home two weeks at a time.

So either you are in a shitty mommy tracked job if you want to see your kids at all or you are in a job that’s not exactly bringing in the dough and have some drudgery. So don’t pretend that you are so much better than SAHMs.

Keep telling yourself this.

You can’t handle the truth. This is reality. Or share your high titled position and salary at a prestigious company and your schedule.

NP. I don't have a great title. I do work for one of those companies that everyone wants to work for because they are known to be really family friendly (they have awesome flex policies and 6 month mat leaves!). I make $150K. But I'm middle management and when if I describe my job you'd probably be bored. But I enjoy it, make good money, it does stretch my creative and intellectual muscles a little, I have some good friends there, and even though DH is the breadwinner, it's contributing to retirement and college funds. I don't think people are saying we all have awesome jobs and are getting rich from it, but life is not black and white and you don't have to be a CEO to enjoy working. It's not CEO or miserable factory worker working 3 shifts. There's stuff in between.

I earned more than 150k my first job out than what you currently make. Now my husband earns multiple what I make out my first job and gives me the flexibility to spend time with my kids and pursue my hobbies. All I am saying is at that pinnacle this argument about flexibility, you give up some to get some. Your job is not worth it for me to make the trade off and leave my children with the nanny and fight with school days and stuff. The only women I have seen make it work flexibly have their own businesses, which is what I intend to pursue once my children are older.0

So strange. I don’t own my own business and I have a ton of flexibility. It’s really not all that uncommon in the dc area. I don’t believe you made more than 300k in your first job and didn’t really follow the rest of your post. We don’t have a nanny because kids are in school and we both WFH so much. Of course we don’t make 7 figures, but also aren’t in a dilemma where one parent works all the fine and doesn’t parent and the other parent is wanting something else. Hence OP’s post. Shrug.

Your experience is not relevant to the OPs because both you and your husbands income combined does not equate to her household income from a sole income earner. At that point different household decisions are made.

300k while a nice sum of money means that for you to achieve an upper middle lifestyle you need to work. Also your job option making 150k while middle aged is not comparable to what some of these wealthy SAHMs careers were before they gave it up. So give up ragging on SAHMs for their perceived lack of flexible options when your own job would probably be considered a mommy tracked job. Another person could criticize you for not living up to your potential and getting a “mommy tracked” job. I earned nearly 200k out of school and my friends would never dream of middle management in their 40s only earning 150k. Even Vice Presidents get more than that. So your “flexibility” is because you don’t have one of those elite jobs. At the senior levels of these elite jobs they work constantly, even more than their juniors.

That’s great. I also worked in finance and made a similar salary. Unfortunately, your salary is now $0 so what good did it really do you? You slaved away making pitchbooks for nothing.

Not nothing. Because at my household income DH brings that kind of inflexible job is not appealing, neither is a 150k job. So your attack is meaningless. I am trying to point out the smugness of the poster that places so much emphasis on how seniorship brings you flexibility and looking down on the SAHMs that enquire with her about flexible jobs. Turns out her situation isn’t even in the same ballpark as the OPs and her flexible job is a step down from those wealthy SAHMs used to have. Also if she didn’t work she won’t have even near the lifestyle the OP has. Also she keeps mentioning telework, so telework allows her to take her kids to school outings and do activities and doctors visits? I wonder whether her company knows she is doing that on their dime. If my DH didn’t make the kind of money he did maybe I’ll be still working 24/7 at my finance job, sorry you still have to.

NP here. My company knows and is fine with that, and you know why? Because I’m a knowledge worker who doesn’t need to be chained at my desk all day. I can be away from my desk for an hour here or there when I don’t have meetings, and then make it up later if need be. As long as I get things done, it’s all good. I’m surprised you need this explained to you. Guess you’re out of touch with how the world operates.

Basically you're the reason why some companies are doing away with telework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I roll my eyes at the comments that seniority brings flexibility. Not at those non mommy tracked high powered jobs. My first job in finance the senior women partners went home for two hours to tuck their kids in and then back out to wine and dine clients. Staying up till midnight or one and then waking up at five again. My second job in consulting all the partners flew all over the place. Interesting how the senior women quit after awhile. In big law if you are not selling as a partner you are kaput. I know male partners away from home two weeks at a time.

So either you are in a shitty mommy tracked job if you want to see your kids at all or you are in a job that’s not exactly bringing in the dough and have some drudgery. So don’t pretend that you are so much better than SAHMs.

Keep telling yourself this.

You can’t handle the truth. This is reality. Or share your high titled position and salary at a prestigious company and your schedule.

NP. I don't have a great title. I do work for one of those companies that everyone wants to work for because they are known to be really family friendly (they have awesome flex policies and 6 month mat leaves!). I make $150K. But I'm middle management and when if I describe my job you'd probably be bored. But I enjoy it, make good money, it does stretch my creative and intellectual muscles a little, I have some good friends there, and even though DH is the breadwinner, it's contributing to retirement and college funds. I don't think people are saying we all have awesome jobs and are getting rich from it, but life is not black and white and you don't have to be a CEO to enjoy working. It's not CEO or miserable factory worker working 3 shifts. There's stuff in between.

I earned more than 150k my first job out than what you currently make. Now my husband earns multiple what I make out my first job and gives me the flexibility to spend time with my kids and pursue my hobbies. All I am saying is at that pinnacle this argument about flexibility, you give up some to get some. Your job is not worth it for me to make the trade off and leave my children with the nanny and fight with school days and stuff. The only women I have seen make it work flexibly have their own businesses, which is what I intend to pursue once my children are older.0

So strange. I don’t own my own business and I have a ton of flexibility. It’s really not all that uncommon in the dc area. I don’t believe you made more than 300k in your first job and didn’t really follow the rest of your post. We don’t have a nanny because kids are in school and we both WFH so much. Of course we don’t make 7 figures, but also aren’t in a dilemma where one parent works all the fine and doesn’t parent and the other parent is wanting something else. Hence OP’s post. Shrug.

Your experience is not relevant to the OPs because both you and your husbands income combined does not equate to her household income from a sole income earner. At that point different household decisions are made.

300k while a nice sum of money means that for you to achieve an upper middle lifestyle you need to work. Also your job option making 150k while middle aged is not comparable to what some of these wealthy SAHMs careers were before they gave it up. So give up ragging on SAHMs for their perceived lack of flexible options when your own job would probably be considered a mommy tracked job. Another person could criticize you for not living up to your potential and getting a “mommy tracked” job. I earned nearly 200k out of school and my friends would never dream of middle management in their 40s only earning 150k. Even Vice Presidents get more than that. So your “flexibility” is because you don’t have one of those elite jobs. At the senior levels of these elite jobs they work constantly, even more than their juniors.

That’s great. I also worked in finance and made a similar salary. Unfortunately, your salary is now $0 so what good did it really do you? You slaved away making pitchbooks for nothing.

Not nothing. Because at my household income DH brings that kind of inflexible job is not appealing, neither is a 150k job. So your attack is meaningless. I am trying to point out the smugness of the poster that places so much emphasis on how seniorship brings you flexibility and looking down on the SAHMs that enquire with her about flexible jobs. Turns out her situation isn’t even in the same ballpark as the OPs and her flexible job is a step down from those wealthy SAHMs used to have. Also if she didn’t work she won’t have even near the lifestyle the OP has. Also she keeps mentioning telework, so telework allows her to take her kids to school outings and do activities and doctors visits? I wonder whether her company knows she is doing that on their dime. If my DH didn’t make the kind of money he did maybe I’ll be still working 24/7 at my finance job, sorry you still have to.

Yikes. You’re very defensive about not having a career.

Rich coming from someone who told me I slaved away over pitchbooks for nothing. Enjoy your late nights and early mornings and never seeing your children. Or did you downsize and got a mommy tracked job too? Way to undercut other women by proving that "talented" woman doesn't have what it take to reach the top of industry. See how that argument works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. The ones who claim they need to stay home to manage the lives of their school aged kids are tiresome. It's one thing if you have a kid or relative with SN and you take care of them, but if you've got typical kids in school, give me a break. Just admit you are a kept woman and you enjoy it. But don't give me a song and dance about it.

I don't get how everyone pushes contributing to society and all that non-sense. Do you really thing 95% of jobs are truly contributing to society and if you aren't doing them someone else will not. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work. This poster is rambling about having WFH, flexible house and tons of grandparent help. Many of us don't have those luxuries. If some of us went back, even with master's we'd have to start from the bottom and make $40-50K, so after taxes and before/after school care plus hiring someone to take our kids to activities, it would be a wash.

I don't see how work is good. I did it for 15 years before becoming a mom. It was miserable. Worked 12+ hours a day for low pay, constant stress, very little time off and leave was regularly denied. Nasty boss, nasty co-workers who pitted against each other because of the nasty boss. Why on earth would I want to go back to that?

And, clearly posters don't have kids with SN or doing elderly care or what I have to do - both. Now I deserve a break.

Yet another example of a SAHM who didn’t stay in the workforce long enough to see all the benefits it can have when you’re senior. And does your husband deserve a break?

Every woman who quits work brings us all down a peg. And of course working contributes to society! How ignorant of you to suggest otherwise. Even the most menial jobs help keep our society afloat.

In today's society, women should get the choice. How does working contribute to society? How are most jobs that important?

I worked for 15 years. I think that was plenty. Then, I stayed home to take care of my SN child and my MIL. I didn't earn enough to pay for child and elderly care.

My husband would be working either way. Even when women work, most men continue to work so how is that even part of the anything? You know what's meaningful. Raising kids to be happy and successful. Being there to celebrate their accomplishments. Helping with the every day things like driving, helping with homework rather than dumping them on caretakers. I was raised by nannies. None were particularly good or caring.

You forget when women are home, men can take jobs and have a lot more flexibility as they don't have to worry about a lot of things when they need to work late, travel, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

[Anonymous]

I call troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My company knows and is fine with that, and you know why? Because I’m a knowledge worker who doesn’t need to be chained at my desk all day. I can be away from my desk for an hour here or there when I don’t have meetings, and then make it up later if need be. As long as I get things done, it’s all good. I’m surprised you need this explained to you. Guess you’re out of touch with how the world operates.

Basically you're the reason why some companies are doing away with telework.

Lol! You are so out of touch. I was promoted at mid-year. Guess what? At the more senior levels, we don't have to be tethered to our desks all day.