SAHMs, how did you decide when or if to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't work, but don't just be a selfish person living for yourself and your family. Use the money and time you have to help others.

NP If she is helping her family than she isn't selfish. Op isn't obligated to help with three kids she is busy enough!

[Anonymous]

I’ll go back to work when my son is in school all day. I’ll really just go back to get health insurance so I can divorce my husband.

[Anonymous]

Pottery barn poster here to answer the OP. I've truly never worried if anyone thinks I need the money. I am not embarrassed at all. I guess those who really thought about it would most likely figure if I really did need the money I would probably work as a CPA and not a retail worker since thats my degree?? But working retail makes me respect all professions, even us low paying retailers!

[Anonymous]

Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

[Anonymous]

Just be careful op. I was married to a high earning good guy who turned into an addicted crazy monster.

He can make things very uncomfortable for you while you “wait” for your alimony. Mine has dragged out the divorce for two years despite not paying his taxes while making $600k and racking up debt. He’s the primary and I can’t stop him. He’s removed all access to our cash. He has held up “my” half of the estate from coming to me for two years.

I am independently wealthy but went back to work and am very lucky to be making a ton of money(sales). Any of my trust I had comingled
To get me through this time would have become marital.

These are the things I’d consider :

Life insurance
Buying my home (hard to get a mortgage without a job!
Health insurance (job)
Dating- what would people think of someone who lived on alimony and didn’t work!!
I wanted to set an example for my kids.

I loved being a SAHM ( was for 11 years)- but really did get tired of being everyone’s unseen constant support. My whole life was supporting the lives of our family members who were learning growing earning etc. being back to work I have a whole newly remembered sense of pride and success. I have my own “sphere” where I’m not someone else’s support but my own person. I learn new things daily and I’m going to work till I retire at 50. Good luck with whatever you decide OP. I don’t say any of this to scare you- it’s just what happened to me and it would have been easier had I had a job. I love having one now, work from home and have a ton of flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar HHI and also have 3 kids. I work at Pottery Barn 12 hours or 16 hours per week...it switches back and forth. I like it because it gets my out of the school volunteer world which I was not a huge fan of (sorry! not sorry!) and it also allows me to be creative here and there with store displays and helping people put rooms together. My middle son has autism and I was starting to go down the special needs rabbit hole. Where his ASD was all I thought about, researched, talked about etc etc and Im really glad I broke that cycle because it wasn't healthy for me. I am also a CPA so from Feb to April I pick up some over flow work at a small firm by old college roommate runs.

New POster in the same situation. I've thought of doing something like this but isn't it embarrassing when you see people you know?

Not to sound like a bitch but I don't want people thinking I have to work for Pottery Barn for the money, kwim? I just want something to do.

I think it is cool Pottery Barn post is doing what makes her happy and not caring what others think.

You are awesome, Pottery Barn poster!

I am a sub at my kids school because it gets me out of the house. I am not embarrassed when my friends see my in teacher mode. They always tell their kids are relived when they hear I am their sub for the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM and there is no way I would go in to an office every day if my spouse made 7 figures. I'd love to spend more time with my kids and on being a great wife and friend and daughter and sister and even freaking hobbies.

And my DH would absolutely say the same thing. If I made seven figures he'd stay home in a heartbeat.

Yeah but what if your 7 figure DH dies prematurely or has an affair with a younger woman and you want a divorce? Then what’s your backup if you SAH for years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar HHI and also have 3 kids. I work at Pottery Barn 12 hours or 16 hours per week...it switches back and forth. I like it because it gets my out of the school volunteer world which I was not a huge fan of (sorry! not sorry!) and it also allows me to be creative here and there with store displays and helping people put rooms together. My middle son has autism and I was starting to go down the special needs rabbit hole. Where his ASD was all I thought about, researched, talked about etc etc and Im really glad I broke that cycle because it wasn't healthy for me. I am also a CPA so from Feb to April I pick up some over flow work at a small firm by old college roommate runs.

New POster in the same situation. I've thought of doing something like this but isn't it embarrassing when you see people you know?

Not to sound like a bitch but I don't want people thinking I have to work for Pottery Barn for the money, kwim? I just want something to do.

I think it is cool Pottery Barn post is doing what makes her happy and not caring what others think.

You are awesome, Pottery Barn poster!

I am a sub at my kids school because it gets me out of the house. I am not embarrassed when my friends see my in teacher mode. They always tell their kids are relived when they hear I am their sub for the day.

Why on earth would you be embarrassed being a substitute teacher? You get to pick and choose which assignments to take and if you have something else going on that day you can just say "Sorry, not available." I would totally be a substitute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

This line actually made my mouth drop open. At least you're honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

I think this is just so depressing - the idea that as an adult who has been given the opportunity of an education you would have never had a gratifying or rewarding job and you think working has always sucked. (Before anyone jumps all over this, yes I understand there are people in the world with very little education and opportunity who have crappy jobs their whole lives just to survive. But that is not the demo of this response if you can afford not to work in the first place.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

Well, duh. I'm not sure how that's a newsflash to anyone. It's the same story for the women who Mommy (or Daddy) track themselves and switch around jobs a lot, isn't it? The difference is that if you have more recent work experience you can always ratchet up your game once the demands at home lighten up. If you have been completely out of the workforce for 10 years you are looking at basically starting over career wise. Your skills need updating, you have no recent work history, you need to take whatever you can get and be grateful to get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the conflict, OP. I went back FT but my office is super flexible and I WAH a lot. One kid in HS and one in MS. They don't need me as much, although the evening driving to practices & games didn't get any easier. I had to give up the school volunteering though. I don't miss it. I make a bit over $100k and max out my 401k.

Suggest you have DH fund an IRA for you @ $5k annually - just as a little insurance for yourself.

My wife and I have been been doing this for a little over 10 years now and with the stock run-up we've each got $130k in there now. In another 10-20 years of contributions and market returns we could have $500k each. It seems like "only" $6k a year but it adds up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

Well, duh. I'm not sure how that's a newsflash to anyone. It's the same story for the women who Mommy (or Daddy) track themselves and switch around jobs a lot, isn't it? The difference is that if you have more recent work experience you can always ratchet up your game once the demands at home lighten up. If you have been completely out of the workforce for 10 years you are looking at basically starting over career wise. Your skills need updating, you have no recent work history, you need to take whatever you can get and be grateful to get it.

And if you start over, you will also be surrounded by co-workers who are often not your peer group age wise and you have nothing in common with. Which sucks.