SAHMs, how did you decide when or if to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

Don't you get bored? My husband makes 3x what yours makes and I currently have a very leisurely life. I spend a lot of time reading, working out, and watching Netflix. It's pretty boring.

Yikes I feel sorry for you. I'd put a bullet in my brain if that's all I did every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

I think this is just so depressing - the idea that as an adult who has been given the opportunity of an education you would have never had a gratifying or rewarding job and you think working has always sucked. (Before anyone jumps all over this, yes I understand there are people in the world with very little education and opportunity who have crappy jobs their whole lives just to survive. But that is not the demo of this response if you can afford not to work in the first place.)

I was a teacher in a past life. It pretty much sucked from day one.

I've never worked in an office. What do you like about it? Not being snarky, being serious. Looking at spreadsheets, etc. sounds pretty boring to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar HHI and also have 3 kids. I work at Pottery Barn 12 hours or 16 hours per week...it switches back and forth. I like it because it gets my out of the school volunteer world which I was not a huge fan of (sorry! not sorry!) and it also allows me to be creative here and there with store displays and helping people put rooms together. My middle son has autism and I was starting to go down the special needs rabbit hole. Where his ASD was all I thought about, researched, talked about etc etc and Im really glad I broke that cycle because it wasn't healthy for me. I am also a CPA so from Feb to April I pick up some over flow work at a small firm by old college roommate runs.

New POster in the same situation. I've thought of doing something like this but isn't it embarrassing when you see people you know?

Not to sound like a bitch but I don't want people thinking I have to work for Pottery Barn for the money, kwim? I just want something to do.

I think it is cool Pottery Barn post is doing what makes her happy and not caring what others think.

You are awesome, Pottery Barn poster!

I am a sub at my kids school because it gets me out of the house. I am not embarrassed when my friends see my in teacher mode. They always tell their kids are relived when they hear I am their sub for the day.

Why on earth would you be embarrassed being a substitute teacher? You get to pick and choose which assignments to take and if you have something else going on that day you can just say "Sorry, not available." I would totally be a substitute.

Really? Subs are just babysitters. Nothing to respect there.

Subs are a necessity in a school. What do you think would happen if there weren't any subs? You expect the teachers to go into work puking their guts out or to never take vacations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar HHI and also have 3 kids. I work at Pottery Barn 12 hours or 16 hours per week...it switches back and forth. I like it because it gets my out of the school volunteer world which I was not a huge fan of (sorry! not sorry!) and it also allows me to be creative here and there with store displays and helping people put rooms together. My middle son has autism and I was starting to go down the special needs rabbit hole. Where his ASD was all I thought about, researched, talked about etc etc and Im really glad I broke that cycle because it wasn't healthy for me. I am also a CPA so from Feb to April I pick up some over flow work at a small firm by old college roommate runs.

New POster in the same situation. I've thought of doing something like this but isn't it embarrassing when you see people you know?

Not to sound like a bitch but I don't want people thinking I have to work for Pottery Barn for the money, kwim? I just want something to do.

I think it is cool Pottery Barn post is doing what makes her happy and not caring what others think.

You are awesome, Pottery Barn poster!

I am a sub at my kids school because it gets me out of the house. I am not embarrassed when my friends see my in teacher mode. They always tell their kids are relived when they hear I am their sub for the day.

Why on earth would you be embarrassed being a substitute teacher? You get to pick and choose which assignments to take and if you have something else going on that day you can just say "Sorry, not available." I would totally be a substitute.

Really? Subs are just babysitters. Nothing to respect there.

Subs are a necessity in a school. What do you think would happen if there weren't any subs? You expect the teachers to go into work puking their guts out or to never take vacations?

So? How does that not make them defacto babysitters? Not even the kids respect them.

[Anonymous]

What kinds of careers are actually "fun"?

Writers seem to enjoy their work. What else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

Don't you get bored? My husband makes 3x what yours makes and I currently have a very leisurely life. I spend a lot of time reading, working out, and watching Netflix. It's pretty boring.

Yikes I feel sorry for you. I'd put a bullet in my brain if that's all I did every day.

You get used to it. There's always something that comes up that makes you glad that you SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar HHI and also have 3 kids. I work at Pottery Barn 12 hours or 16 hours per week...it switches back and forth. I like it because it gets my out of the school volunteer world which I was not a huge fan of (sorry! not sorry!) and it also allows me to be creative here and there with store displays and helping people put rooms together. My middle son has autism and I was starting to go down the special needs rabbit hole. Where his ASD was all I thought about, researched, talked about etc etc and Im really glad I broke that cycle because it wasn't healthy for me. I am also a CPA so from Feb to April I pick up some over flow work at a small firm by old college roommate runs.

New POster in the same situation. I've thought of doing something like this but isn't it embarrassing when you see people you know?

Not to sound like a bitch but I don't want people thinking I have to work for Pottery Barn for the money, kwim? I just want something to do.

I think it is cool Pottery Barn post is doing what makes her happy and not caring what others think.

You are awesome, Pottery Barn poster!

I had the same reaction. You go, PB poster. I'll bet the people that you help at the store are grateful for you. I always am when there is an employee that is engaged, knows the merchandise, gives good suggestions. How dare that other PP look down on her for finding something that she enjoys! WTH, snobby PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar HHI and also have 3 kids. I work at Pottery Barn 12 hours or 16 hours per week...it switches back and forth. I like it because it gets my out of the school volunteer world which I was not a huge fan of (sorry! not sorry!) and it also allows me to be creative here and there with store displays and helping people put rooms together. My middle son has autism and I was starting to go down the special needs rabbit hole. Where his ASD was all I thought about, researched, talked about etc etc and Im really glad I broke that cycle because it wasn't healthy for me. I am also a CPA so from Feb to April I pick up some over flow work at a small firm by old college roommate runs.

New POster in the same situation. I've thought of doing something like this but isn't it embarrassing when you see people you know?

Not to sound like a bitch but I don't want people thinking I have to work for Pottery Barn for the money, kwim? I just want something to do.

I think it is cool Pottery Barn post is doing what makes her happy and not caring what others think.

You are awesome, Pottery Barn poster!

I am a sub at my kids school because it gets me out of the house. I am not embarrassed when my friends see my in teacher mode. They always tell their kids are relived when they hear I am their sub for the day.

Why on earth would you be embarrassed being a substitute teacher? You get to pick and choose which assignments to take and if you have something else going on that day you can just say "Sorry, not available." I would totally be a substitute.

Really? Subs are just babysitters. Nothing to respect there.

Subs are a necessity in a school. What do you think would happen if there weren't any subs? You expect the teachers to go into work puking their guts out or to never take vacations?

So? How does that not make them defacto babysitters? Not even the kids respect them.

Kids LOVE subs. It's like getting a day off to have a sub. Weren't you a kid once? And, no, you don't take a sub position to get respect, lol. Although, I have to say, I'm totally fine with the idea of being a substitute but maybe that's because I'm *just* a SAHM....lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar HHI and also have 3 kids. I work at Pottery Barn 12 hours or 16 hours per week...it switches back and forth. I like it because it gets my out of the school volunteer world which I was not a huge fan of (sorry! not sorry!) and it also allows me to be creative here and there with store displays and helping people put rooms together. My middle son has autism and I was starting to go down the special needs rabbit hole. Where his ASD was all I thought about, researched, talked about etc etc and Im really glad I broke that cycle because it wasn't healthy for me. I am also a CPA so from Feb to April I pick up some over flow work at a small firm by old college roommate runs.

New POster in the same situation. I've thought of doing something like this but isn't it embarrassing when you see people you know?

Not to sound like a bitch but I don't want people thinking I have to work for Pottery Barn for the money, kwim? I just want something to do.

I think it is cool Pottery Barn post is doing what makes her happy and not caring what others think.

You are awesome, Pottery Barn poster!

I had the same reaction. You go, PB poster. I'll bet the people that you help at the store are grateful for you. I always am when there is an employee that is engaged, knows the merchandise, gives good suggestions. How dare that other PP look down on her for finding something that she enjoys! WTH, snobby PP?

I would totally work at Pottery Barn or a craft store like Michael's! I'd even work at Home Depot or Lowes because I'm interested in learning how to do things like home repairs. A pet store would be another good fit for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kinds of careers are actually "fun"?

Writers seem to enjoy their work. What else?

+1

I'd like to hear answers to this as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

I think this is just so depressing - the idea that as an adult who has been given the opportunity of an education you would have never had a gratifying or rewarding job and you think working has always sucked. (Before anyone jumps all over this, yes I understand there are people in the world with very little education and opportunity who have crappy jobs their whole lives just to survive. But that is not the demo of this response if you can afford not to work in the first place.)

I was a teacher in a past life. It pretty much sucked from day one.

I've never worked in an office. What do you like about it? Not being snarky, being serious. Looking at spreadsheets, etc. sounds pretty boring to me.

I worked in a deadline oriented office environment and for me it was the adrenaline rush that came from being under the gun, having things go wrong and troubleshooting them in time to meet a deadline. One mistake, one typo could wind up costing you a huge account.

Now? Eh, I'm too old for that sheet. But it was fun when I was doing it .

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes, OP. I went back to work when I came upon an opportunity that excited me. It’s been tough to manage, so I’m glad I waited until I came across something that was worth it rather than taking just any job for the sake of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 300K and we live on 150K.

I know SAHMs are always told cautionary tales, so here is our situation. No debt, secure job with pension, retirement is set, lots of insurance, strong marriage, healthy sex life, no pre-nup, happy & healthy family.

I may go back to work after the youngest leaves the nest. She is currently in HS. I will have to see what I will do when the time comes. As a SAHM, it was not as if all my years were easy. I had to sacrifice and leave a great job to raise my kids the way DH and I wanted. And while being at home with the kids was very rewarding, at the same time it was relentless. I had some hard years when the kids were little and money was tight. Now, that the kids are grown up and there is money in the house, I feel that I deserve a more leisurely and relaxed life.

No idea what I will do next, but I am quite ok being a SAH wife.

Don't you get bored? My husband makes 3x what yours makes and I currently have a very leisurely life. I spend a lot of time reading, working out, and watching Netflix. It's pretty boring.

Yikes I feel sorry for you. I'd put a bullet in my brain if that's all I did every day.

gee thanks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am currently a 42yo SAHM of 3 kids. I have one in preschool and two in elementary. I have been home and out of the workforce for the last 5 years. My background is in finance/accounting so I have some skills that are employable. I am confident I can find a job but I expect pay will be low. I used to earn 200k before I stopped working. DH earns a seven figure income. He was earning high six when I stopped working. We do not need my income and I would need flexible hours. Next year I will have one kid in preschool, one in elementary and one in middle school.

I have always been the default parent. I took all the snow days, sick days, morning and evenings. We used to have a full time nanny plus preschool plus housekeeper who cooked for us and I couldn’t make it work. I felt burned out because despite having all this help, I never had a moment of rest.

Time off would be a huge adjustment if I went back to work. We travel every long weekend, school break and summer. I’m also very active at school- pta and room parent.

Would you try to go back to work if you were me?

I hope this does not become another mommy war thread. Looking for advice.

OP, I read this post and every single sentence makes it abundantly clear you do not want to go back to work. So why post this? What is really going on? Does your DH want you to go back to work? Do you feel bored at home? Are you worried for your future if the marriage doesn't work out?

I feel like if you share more what is motivating these thoughts to begin with, people might be able to offer more insight from their own experiences.

Not OP, but The world (and specifically DCUM) tells you that you are worthless if you don’t have a job. “Why even GO to college!” And “studies show” kids with working moms are more successful, etc. I went back to work and hate it.

I think some women genuinely feel this way. Women fought hard to get into the colleges/universities and workplaces traditionally open only to men. They are still fighting to be treated and paid as equals in many professions. To some extent, they feel that SAHMs undermine them. Before you go yelling at me, I'm not saying *I* think women shouldn't be SAHMs but just offering the perspective. The fact is that women, especially of child-bearing age, in the workplace still are not taken as seriously as men, and you still hear ridiculous things like "on the mommy track". It's frustrating and disheartening.

The American workplace is not family-friendly. It would be so nice if it was and parents could have opportunities to stay home with young children and not be looked down upon. It would be nice if more professions offered more flexibility for parents. It would be nice the default assumption was not that the stay-at-home parent be the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

This is exactly it. SAHMs never understand this because they either a) left the workforce when they were too junior to have flexibility/seniority/etc or b) listen to their workaholic husbands who never step away from their desks.