SAHMs, how did you decide when or if to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

She's not working. That's managing your household finances. No different from managing your own house. You are not a working SAHM. That makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

She's not working. That's managing your household finances. No different from managing your own house. You are not a working SAHM. That makes no sense.

She's managing their investment properties. That takes time, attention and know how. They could hire it done just as a restaurant owner could hire another person to run his restaurant. Would you call the owner of a chain of restaurants "non-working"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

She's not working. That's managing your household finances. No different from managing your own house. You are not a working SAHM. That makes no sense.

Ha! You are very mistaken.

Architect here. Dont listen to PP. Property management services take between 5% -30% of your gross monthly income (the higher rates are for Airbnb)

You are kost certain lyrics doing a real job, even if it is a self employed one. Just because it doesnt have an HR dept attached, does not make it less of a job.

Why don't you formalize a title for yourself and gave yourself a small fee, 6% or something that goes into a savings account. This is real work. Your fee would be an expense on the property / business, so it lessens your tax as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

She's not working. That's managing your household finances. No different from managing your own house. You are not a working SAHM. That makes no sense.

Ha! You are very mistaken.

Architect here. Dont listen to PP. Property management services take between 5% -30% of your gross monthly income (the higher rates are for Airbnb)

You are kost certain lyrics doing a real job, even if it is a self employed one. Just because it doesnt have an HR dept attached, does not make it less of a job.

Why don't you formalize a title for yourself and gave yourself a small fee, 6% or something that goes into a savings account. This is real work. Your fee would be an expense on the property / business, so it lessens your tax as well.

Managing your properties is not a equal professional job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

She's not working. That's managing your household finances. No different from managing your own house. You are not a working SAHM. That makes no sense.

Ha! You are very mistaken.

Architect here. Dont listen to PP. Property management services take between 5% -30% of your gross monthly income (the higher rates are for Airbnb)

You are kost certain lyrics doing a real job, even if it is a self employed one. Just because it doesnt have an HR dept attached, does not make it less of a job.

Why don't you formalize a title for yourself and gave yourself a small fee, 6% or something that goes into a savings account. This is real work. Your fee would be an expense on the property / business, so it lessens your tax as well.

Managing your properties is not a equal professional job.

It’s in the same sphere as being a nanny, housekeeper, family CEO, etc. It’s things that most parents/spouses do for “free” including working ones, but you could also formalize it into a job title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My company knows and is fine with that, and you know why? Because I’m a knowledge worker who doesn’t need to be chained at my desk all day. I can be away from my desk for an hour here or there when I don’t have meetings, and then make it up later if need be. As long as I get things done, it’s all good. I’m surprised you need this explained to you. Guess you’re out of touch with how the world operates.

Basically you're the reason why some companies are doing away with telework.

Lol! You are so out of touch. I was promoted at mid-year. Guess what? At the more senior levels, we don't have to be tethered to our desks all day.

So pathetic, promoted to 150k senior year and lording it over the SAHMs who are looking to get back into the workforce and asking about flexibility. With women like you tearing other women down no wonder all of us can’t get ahead. May you live in your 300k mediocrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

She's not working. That's managing your household finances. No different from managing your own house. You are not a working SAHM. That makes no sense.

Ha! You are very mistaken.

Architect here. Dont listen to PP. Property management services take between 5% -30% of your gross monthly income (the higher rates are for Airbnb)

You are kost certain lyrics doing a real job, even if it is a self employed one. Just because it doesnt have an HR dept attached, does not make it less of a job.

Why don't you formalize a title for yourself and gave yourself a small fee, 6% or something that goes into a savings account. This is real work. Your fee would be an expense on the property / business, so it lessens your tax as well.

Managing your properties is not a equal professional job.

It’s in the same sphere as being a nanny, housekeeper, family CEO, etc. It’s things that most parents/spouses do for “free” including working ones, but you could also formalize it into a job title.

Not even comparable. It is managing her families finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. The ones who claim they need to stay home to manage the lives of their school aged kids are tiresome. It's one thing if you have a kid or relative with SN and you take care of them, but if you've got typical kids in school, give me a break. Just admit you are a kept woman and you enjoy it. But don't give me a song and dance about it.

I don't get how everyone pushes contributing to society and all that non-sense. Do you really thing 95% of jobs are truly contributing to society and if you aren't doing them someone else will not. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work. This poster is rambling about having WFH, flexible house and tons of grandparent help. Many of us don't have those luxuries. If some of us went back, even with master's we'd have to start from the bottom and make $40-50K, so after taxes and before/after school care plus hiring someone to take our kids to activities, it would be a wash.

I don't see how work is good. I did it for 15 years before becoming a mom. It was miserable. Worked 12+ hours a day for low pay, constant stress, very little time off and leave was regularly denied. Nasty boss, nasty co-workers who pitted against each other because of the nasty boss. Why on earth would I want to go back to that?

And, clearly posters don't have kids with SN or doing elderly care or what I have to do - both. Now I deserve a break.

I am the PP you are responding to and based on your post, I don't think you are the type of person I was talking about. If you have been both taking care of kids with SN and taking care of an elderly parent, my hat is off to you and, yes, you deserve a break!

I object to the idea that work is not good. Of course it is good. Do all jobs have the same intrinsic societal value? Of course not. The jobs that are most critical to society are often those that people would turn their noses up at. The world doesn't need any more real estate agents or, frankly, lawyers, but teachers or nurses or similar? Absolutely critical for society, but we don't want to pay for them or give them any respect. And there are benefits to using your mind, using your hands to make something, doing something that makes a difference in the life of another person, being answerable to someone other than yourself.

This thread is full of women living in a very unique bubble. They have so much. Stop trying to rationalize how being completely supported by someone else is somehow noble or important. Nope. You just don't feel like working and you don't have to Be thankful and own it, and don't expect people to respect you for it.



I am talking about SAHMs like the OP who have a unique level of wealth and a DH who doesn't mind supporting them while they do basically nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Agree! Why the nasty comparisons of husband’s salary? Money is just money. 500k won’t make you any happier than 300k.

As a WOHM, I will say that SAHM of young kids is awesome and challenging and I wish I could have done it but I was afraid I’d lose my foothold in my career if I was out for 5+ years. (I managed through WFH, flexible hours, and tons of grandparent help). But I would never envy a SAHM of school-age kids, unless you have the equivalent of an unpaid FT job like serious volunteer work or SN to deal with. Otherwise it gives you too much free time to obsess about the little things, helicopter/snowplow/engineer your DCs social and academic lives, etc. Work is good, it keeps you busy and gives you bigger things to think about. It keeps you sharp too. I definitely see a difference in my mother’s generation between women who worked vs. didn’t in terms of their mental acuity.

This. The ones who claim they need to stay home to manage the lives of their school aged kids are tiresome. It's one thing if you have a kid or relative with SN and you take care of them, but if you've got typical kids in school, give me a break. Just admit you are a kept woman and you enjoy it. But don't give me a song and dance about it.

I don't get how everyone pushes contributing to society and all that non-sense. Do you really thing 95% of jobs are truly contributing to society and if you aren't doing them someone else will not. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work. This poster is rambling about having WFH, flexible house and tons of grandparent help. Many of us don't have those luxuries. If some of us went back, even with master's we'd have to start from the bottom and make $40-50K, so after taxes and before/after school care plus hiring someone to take our kids to activities, it would be a wash.

I don't see how work is good. I did it for 15 years before becoming a mom. It was miserable. Worked 12+ hours a day for low pay, constant stress, very little time off and leave was regularly denied. Nasty boss, nasty co-workers who pitted against each other because of the nasty boss. Why on earth would I want to go back to that?

And, clearly posters don't have kids with SN or doing elderly care or what I have to do - both. Now I deserve a break.

I am the PP you are responding to and based on your post, I don't think you are the type of person I was talking about. If you have been both taking care of kids with SN and taking care of an elderly parent, my hat is off to you and, yes, you deserve a break!

I object to the idea that work is not good. Of course it is good. Do all jobs have the same intrinsic societal value? Of course not. The jobs that are most critical to society are often those that people would turn their noses up at. The world doesn't need any more real estate agents or, frankly, lawyers, but teachers or nurses or similar? Absolutely critical for society, but we don't want to pay for them or give them any respect. And there are benefits to using your mind, using your hands to make something, doing something that makes a difference in the life of another person, being answerable to someone other than yourself.

This thread is full of women living in a very unique bubble. They have so much. Stop trying to rationalize how being completely supported by someone else is somehow noble or important. Nope. You just don't feel like working and you don't have to Be thankful and own it, and don't expect people to respect you for it.



I am talking about SAHMs like the OP who have a unique level of wealth and a DH who doesn't mind supporting them while they do basically nothing.

But OP is actively considering going back to work. Are you going to continue tearing her down or encourage her to try out work and strategize a conducive way for her to do so that is beneficial for society and her family or are you going to continue ragging on her for being a parasite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

She's not working. That's managing your household finances. No different from managing your own house. You are not a working SAHM. That makes no sense.

She's managing their investment properties. That takes time, attention and know how. They could hire it done just as a restaurant owner could hire another person to run his restaurant. Would you call the owner of a chain of restaurants "non-working"?

It still isn't a job. He can't fire her and she receives no salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I roll my eyes at the comments that seniority brings flexibility. Not at those non mommy tracked high powered jobs. My first job in finance the senior women partners went home for two hours to tuck their kids in and then back out to wine and dine clients. Staying up till midnight or one and then waking up at five again. My second job in consulting all the partners flew all over the place. Interesting how the senior women quit after awhile. In big law if you are not selling as a partner you are kaput. I know male partners away from home two weeks at a time.

So either you are in a shitty mommy tracked job if you want to see your kids at all or you are in a job that’s not exactly bringing in the dough and have some drudgery. So don’t pretend that you are so much better than SAHMs.

Keep telling yourself this.

You can’t handle the truth. This is reality. Or share your high titled position and salary at a prestigious company and your schedule.

NP. I don't have a great title. I do work for one of those companies that everyone wants to work for because they are known to be really family friendly (they have awesome flex policies and 6 month mat leaves!). I make $150K. But I'm middle management and when if I describe my job you'd probably be bored. But I enjoy it, make good money, it does stretch my creative and intellectual muscles a little, I have some good friends there, and even though DH is the breadwinner, it's contributing to retirement and college funds. I don't think people are saying we all have awesome jobs and are getting rich from it, but life is not black and white and you don't have to be a CEO to enjoy working. It's not CEO or miserable factory worker working 3 shifts. There's stuff in between.

I earned more than 150k my first job out than what you currently make. Now my husband earns multiple what I make out my first job and gives me the flexibility to spend time with my kids and pursue my hobbies. All I am saying is at that pinnacle this argument about flexibility, you give up some to get some. Your job is not worth it for me to make the trade off and leave my children with the nanny and fight with school days and stuff. The only women I have seen make it work flexibly have their own businesses, which is what I intend to pursue once my children are older.0

So strange. I don’t own my own business and I have a ton of flexibility. It’s really not all that uncommon in the dc area. I don’t believe you made more than 300k in your first job and didn’t really follow the rest of your post. We don’t have a nanny because kids are in school and we both WFH so much. Of course we don’t make 7 figures, but also aren’t in a dilemma where one parent works all the fine and doesn’t parent and the other parent is wanting something else. Hence OP’s post. Shrug.

Your experience is not relevant to the OPs because both you and your husbands income combined does not equate to her household income from a sole income earner. At that point different household decisions are made.

300k while a nice sum of money means that for you to achieve an upper middle lifestyle you need to work. Also your job option making 150k while middle aged is not comparable to what some of these wealthy SAHMs careers were before they gave it up. So give up ragging on SAHMs for their perceived lack of flexible options when your own job would probably be considered a mommy tracked job. Another person could criticize you for not living up to your potential and getting a “mommy tracked” job. I earned nearly 200k out of school and my friends would never dream of middle management in their 40s only earning 150k. Even Vice Presidents get more than that. So your “flexibility” is because you don’t have one of those elite jobs. At the senior levels of these elite jobs they work constantly, even more than their juniors.

If you made $200k straight out of school you must work in a finance field of some sorts (as apparently all your friends who wouldn't dream of working for $150k).
Do you realize that $150k is peak earnings for many fields? Do you realize that not everyone is in finance or makes finance level money? Could you maybe slip a toe out of your bubble?

NP.

This whole conversation is taking place in a bubble. The OP is married to someone who makes over 1 million a year. That's a pretty big bubble. So I don't think these comments are unwarranted given the context.

It probably is true that 150k jobs are "beneath" OP when her husband earns 10x that or more.

Op here. I also made 200k out of grad school in banking. DH kept moving up and I kept getting pregnant so I never broke 300.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was sah, my DH’s income shot up and we bought several rental properties with the excess cash. I manage them now. It’s not a ton of daily work but it does make me feel good to know that I am taking something important off his plate. We’re looking to buy our fourth property in the next few months.

This is a good idea.

This isn't a job. Its pretending to have a job to improve your self-worth. If you were working or not, you or he would have to do it. Stop pretending its a job. You are a SAH and that is ok.

In all fairness, the property management that she does involves a lot more responsibility and mental know how than other official paid work does.

With those duties, I'd actually consider her to be self employed. She's a working SAHM! Good for her!

She's not working. That's managing your household finances. No different from managing your own house. You are not a working SAHM. That makes no sense.

Ha! You are very mistaken.

Architect here. Dont listen to PP. Property management services take between 5% -30% of your gross monthly income (the higher rates are for Airbnb)

You are kost certain lyrics doing a real job, even if it is a self employed one. Just because it doesnt have an HR dept attached, does not make it less of a job.

Why don't you formalize a title for yourself and gave yourself a small fee, 6% or something that goes into a savings account. This is real work. Your fee would be an expense on the property / business, so it lessens your tax as well.

Managing your properties is not a equal professional job.

It’s in the same sphere as being a nanny, housekeeper, family CEO, etc. It’s things that most parents/spouses do for “free” including working ones, but you could also formalize it into a job title.

Not even comparable. It is managing her families finances.

To be fair, you're arguing with someone who used the term "family CEO."