What do you do when none of the men you met want a "serious relationship"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless a man is in his 30s and has a steady job, he is not looking to settle. He is only looking for sex.

Women need to understand it and work towards becoming more independent in their 20s.

Women need to do the following in their 20s and trust me that they will not be lacking for serious, good quality and suitable suitors.
-Get their professional credentials in order. Study, intern, get degrees.
-Travel
-Build a nest egg by maxing out retirement saving as much as possible.
-Consider buying a condo or house if you are stable in your profession and intend to stay at a place for 5 years or so.
-Take care of their health and fitness, work towards their mental health or other issues fixed through therapy and workshops
-Take care of any cosmetic issues - lasik, laser hair removal, crooked teeth etc
- Develop hobbies, get involved with charities and non-profit work.
- Connect with people and keep in touch with them. Develop and nurture professional connections. Network.
- Expand their personal horizon, get new experiences - sports, travel, museums, art, theatre, book clubs, try new food, learn new language.
- Date a lot of people who treat you nicely from different walks of life.

What has happened to make men this way?

Feminism made marriage a shit deal for men, and allowed men to get sex without it. Men are just playing by the rules women set.

Life for women before feminism was terrible and no bed of roses. Feminism is good. It however also requires women to become empowered, independent and mature. The list above is great for men and women. Become worthy of good things. Remove the abundance/lack of sex from the reasons you want to get married and things become clearer. Develop as a human being so that when you marry and have children, you have a better chance to build something worthwhile in your professional and personal life.

- PP who made the list above.

[Anonymous]

She can't get a longterm relationship with a man by spending her time with men who don't want longterm relationships. Stop with the sex, look around at the guys who she may be overlooking because they are shy or less dude bro as I bet they are open to having a relationship and are likely more interesting, fun and loving than dude bro.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can't get a longterm relationship with a man by spending her time with men who don't want longterm relationships. Stop with the sex, look around at the guys who she may be overlooking because they are shy or less dude bro as I bet they are open to having a relationship and are likely more interesting, fun and loving than dude bro.

She likes the dude bros because she is whatever the female equivalent of a dude bros is. There is nothing wrong with it. Those men and women do get married.

[Anonymous]

If you are looking for sex in a committed relationship don’t f*ck people for fun. That’s what a magic wand is for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless a man is in his 30s and has a steady job, he is not looking to settle. He is only looking for sex.

Women need to understand it and work towards becoming more independent in their 20s.

Women need to do the following in their 20s and trust me that they will not be lacking for serious, good quality and suitable suitors.
-Get their professional credentials in order. Study, intern, get degrees.
-Travel
-Build a nest egg by maxing out retirement saving as much as possible.
-Consider buying a condo or house if you are stable in your profession and intend to stay at a place for 5 years or so.
-Take care of their health and fitness, work towards their mental health or other issues fixed through therapy and workshops
-Take care of any cosmetic issues - lasik, laser hair removal, crooked teeth etc
- Develop hobbies, get involved with charities and non-profit work.
- Connect with people and keep in touch with them. Develop and nurture professional connections. Network.
- Expand their personal horizon, get new experiences - sports, travel, museums, art, theatre, book clubs, try new food, learn new language.
- Date a lot of people who treat you nicely from different walks of life.

What has happened to make men this way?

Feminism made marriage a shit deal for men, and allowed men to get sex without it. Men are just playing by the rules women set.

Life for women before feminism was terrible and no bed of roses. Feminism is good. It however also requires women to become empowered, independent and mature. The list above is great for men and women. Become worthy of good things. Remove the abundance/lack of sex from the reasons you want to get married and things become clearer. Develop as a human being so that when you marry and have children, you have a better chance to build something worthwhile in your professional and personal life.

- PP who made the list above.

I met my husband at 24 and we developed as people together. I got my PhD and really started my professional career not just after we got married but after the birth of my first child. Having shared these experiences made our marriage stronger, and it meant I didn't have to worry about rushing the relationship in order to have time to have kids. You don't need to have everything finished to be worthy of a good relationship. And some of these things are just weird. LASIK? That's not making you worthy of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah quite a few guys at work now say that they can hook up with a different girl each night of the week. So they aren't that interested in settling down.

A few of the really good looking girls are having a harder time as the guys just want to have sex with them, they seem to find the ones who play heaps of games with them.

The average looking girls seem to settle down mid-late 20's and seem to be in more secure relationships that appear really healthy.

NYC is notoriously difficult place to find a good man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

If she really wants a serious relationship but she's sleeping with people before a commitment and willing to keep sleeping with them when they explain they don't want a commitment, then sure they have all the power. But only because she's giving it to them. If she wants to sleep with this particular guy more than she wants to keep looking for a guy who wants the same thing she does, then she's prioritizing that guy over her end goal. That's fine, but after a frank conversation where you learn one party is not interested in commitment it's no longer their problem if you stay focused on them.

In my dating days I found guys wanted to settle down a lot faster than I did, not the opposite.

NP. This advice is totally outdated. If she didn't sleep with these guys, she wouldn't ever have sex. A good looking guy in Brooklyn (where women outnumber men anyway) knows he can get a different girl every night if he wants. No one "waits" anymore.

No, it was really good advice. If OP's SIL wastes her time and emotional energy on guys who are uninterested in a relationship (as a matter of principle, not even based on her!) then she'll never settle down. That's really f-ed up that you think women must have sex all the time then wait like a dog under the table for a man who will commit. I mean really, wtf.

If the SIL just wants to get laid -- sure, go do that. But having sex with men who don't want to be in a relationship with her is just crap advice. Nobody is saying she has to withhold sex forever -- just, don't have sex with guys who aren't into a relationship with you (unless it's just for that one night, and you're clear on what you want.)

You are not living in the IRL. Your premise that sex is transactional is so messed up. The problem(if which is not really a problem) is not the men in general or the men the SIL dates. There are many women and men her age in long term relationships. Just stop with this oh the men are all bad sh@t. The SIL is telling OP what she wants to hear. The SIL is having a great time and had no interest in settling down. When she is ready she will find some loser guy and get married. Until that happens she will continue on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah quite a few guys at work now say that they can hook up with a different girl each night of the week. So they aren't that interested in settling down.

A few of the really good looking girls are having a harder time as the guys just want to have sex with them, they seem to find the ones who play heaps of games with them.

The average looking girls seem to settle down mid-late 20's and seem to be in more secure relationships that appear really healthy.

NYC is notoriously difficult place to find a good man.

Agree. Worse than DC.

[Anonymous]

Crazily, a lot of 20 somethings have sex with someone which helps them decide if they want to date the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

And yet other women her age are in serious relationship. It is her no needs to be blame others. Let’s put it in terms you can relate to the men do not suck ...she sucks.

World's, oldest cliche, female who is "good looking, good education, great job, lots of friends, but in NYC and can't find a relationship". In the NY Times vows section every Sunday are plenty of people who found someone there. and no, they don't all look like models.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has happened to make men this way?

Feminism made marriage a shit deal for men, and allowed men to get sex without it. Men are just playing by the rules women set.

Life for women before feminism was terrible and no bed of roses. Feminism is good. It however also requires women to become empowered, independent and mature. The list above is great for men and women. Become worthy of good things. Remove the abundance/lack of sex from the reasons you want to get married and things become clearer. Develop as a human being so that when you marry and have children, you have a better chance to build something worthwhile in your professional and personal life.

- PP who made the list above.

Feminism always exaggerated, and continues to exaggerate, how "terrible" life was for women before feminism. (Life in past decades was terrible for men, too, by the way. My grandfather had to leave school at 12 and go to work. Before that the men in my family were all farm laborers and miners. Did they have great options and choices in life? Nope. They had daily back-breaking labor. But at least their white privilege was some consolation, right?) Whatever else feminism has done, it has not made women happy. But if you still think it's "good", whatever.

Even if one agrees that life before feminism was terrible, that is irrelevant. Feminism has made marriage a shit deal for men. If women want to get married... and apparently they do... perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the parts of feminism that make marriage unattractive to men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has happened to make men this way?

Feminism made marriage a shit deal for men, and allowed men to get sex without it. Men are just playing by the rules women set.

Life for women before feminism was terrible and no bed of roses. Feminism is good. It however also requires women to become empowered, independent and mature. The list above is great for men and women. Become worthy of good things. Remove the abundance/lack of sex from the reasons you want to get married and things become clearer. Develop as a human being so that when you marry and have children, you have a better chance to build something worthwhile in your professional and personal life.

- PP who made the list above.

Feminism always exaggerated, and continues to exaggerate, how "terrible" life was for women before feminism. (Life in past decades was terrible for men, too, by the way. My grandfather had to leave school at 12 and go to work. Before that the men in my family were all farm laborers and miners. Did they have great options and choices in life? Nope. They had daily back-breaking labor. But at least their white privilege was some consolation, right?) Whatever else feminism has done, it has not made women happy. But if you still think it's "good", whatever.

Even if one agrees that life before feminism was terrible, that is irrelevant. Feminism has made marriage a shit deal for men. If women want to get married... and apparently they do... perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the parts of feminism that make marriage unattractive to men.

Or perhaps it is time for some men to evolve into something beyond sex obsessed brutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless a man is in his 30s and has a steady job, he is not looking to settle. He is only looking for sex.

Women need to understand it and work towards becoming more independent in their 20s.

Women need to do the following in their 20s and trust me that they will not be lacking for serious, good quality and suitable suitors.
-Get their professional credentials in order. Study, intern, get degrees.
-Travel
-Build a nest egg by maxing out retirement saving as much as possible.
-Consider buying a condo or house if you are stable in your profession and intend to stay at a place for 5 years or so.
-Take care of their health and fitness, work towards their mental health or other issues fixed through therapy and workshops
-Take care of any cosmetic issues - lasik, laser hair removal, crooked teeth etc
- Develop hobbies, get involved with charities and non-profit work.
- Connect with people and keep in touch with them. Develop and nurture professional connections. Network.
- Expand their personal horizon, get new experiences - sports, travel, museums, art, theatre, book clubs, try new food, learn new language.
- Date a lot of people who treat you nicely from different walks of life.

All of this although the age may run late twenties to early thirties. This was the case for me as well. Didn't meet husband until graduate school and even then, the men weren't getting serious and married until career plans were worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has happened to make men this way?

Feminism made marriage a shit deal for men, and allowed men to get sex without it. Men are just playing by the rules women set.

Life for women before feminism was terrible and no bed of roses. Feminism is good. It however also requires women to become empowered, independent and mature. The list above is great for men and women. Become worthy of good things. Remove the abundance/lack of sex from the reasons you want to get married and things become clearer. Develop as a human being so that when you marry and have children, you have a better chance to build something worthwhile in your professional and personal life.

- PP who made the list above.

Feminism always exaggerated, and continues to exaggerate, how "terrible" life was for women before feminism. (Life in past decades was terrible for men, too, by the way. My grandfather had to leave school at 12 and go to work. Before that the men in my family were all farm laborers and miners. Did they have great options and choices in life? Nope. They had daily back-breaking labor. But at least their white privilege was some consolation, right?) Whatever else feminism has done, it has not made women happy. But if you still think it's "good", whatever.

Even if one agrees that life before feminism was terrible, that is irrelevant. Feminism has made marriage a shit deal for men. If women want to get married... and apparently they do... perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the parts of feminism that make marriage unattractive to men.

Or perhaps it is time for some men to evolve into something beyond sex obsessed brutes.

Omg I'm a woman and this is ridiculous. Some women only have sex with their husbands once a year! Give me a break. Women who sleep around can also be sex obsessed. It takes two to tango. I also agree that was has change is feminism to the deterioration of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Men her age are finally hearing the messages passed down from older men. They don't see what is in it for them to get into a committed relationship, or marriage. They don't want to be trapped in a marriage that turns sexless or where they stand to lose a lot of they divorce. If the 20 something is going to put out anyway, why promise her anything? She will learn.