What do you do when none of the men you met want a "serious relationship"?

[Anonymous]

Unless a man is in his 30s and has a steady job, he is not looking to settle. He is only looking for sex.

Women need to understand it and work towards becoming more independent in their 20s.

Women need to do the following in their 20s and trust me that they will not be lacking for serious, good quality and suitable suitors.
-Get their professional credentials in order. Study, intern, get degrees.
-Travel
-Build a nest egg by maxing out retirement saving as much as possible.
-Consider buying a condo or house if you are stable in your profession and intend to stay at a place for 5 years or so.
-Take care of their health and fitness, work towards their mental health or other issues fixed through therapy and workshops
-Take care of any cosmetic issues - lasik, laser hair removal, crooked teeth etc
- Develop hobbies, get involved with charities and non-profit work.
- Connect with people and keep in touch with them. Develop and nurture professional connections. Network.
- Expand their personal horizon, get new experiences - sports, travel, museums, art, theatre, book clubs, try new food, learn new language.
- Date a lot of people who treat you nicely from different walks of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

If she really wants a serious relationship but she's sleeping with people before a commitment and willing to keep sleeping with them when they explain they don't want a commitment, then sure they have all the power. But only because she's giving it to them. If she wants to sleep with this particular guy more than she wants to keep looking for a guy who wants the same thing she does, then she's prioritizing that guy over her end goal. That's fine, but after a frank conversation where you learn one party is not interested in commitment it's no longer their problem if you stay focused on them.

In my dating days I found guys wanted to settle down a lot faster than I did, not the opposite.

NP. This advice is totally outdated. If she didn't sleep with these guys, she wouldn't ever have sex. A good looking guy in Brooklyn (where women outnumber men anyway) knows he can get a different girl every night if he wants. No one "waits" anymore.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with sleeping with them. I dated casually in my 20s (including in Brooklyn), and there's nothing wrong with sleeping with someone without commitment. There is something wrong with sleeping with a guy who has told you he doesn't want a relationship and then complaining that no guys want relationships. You're choosing to spend your time and emotional energy on this particular guy instead of looking for someone on the same page as you. That's a decision, not something that happened to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, dating in Brooklyn for women is notoriously the pits. LA too. She should move to a city like DC where there are more men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

Well, duh, playing the “cool girl” never works. It shows you have no self esteem and will settle for scraps. Of course no man wants to commit to that, and no man is attracted to desperation.

It’s pretty disturbing that you use the term “withholding”. Nobody is entitled to something that another person doesn’t want to give. It’s no different than single guys complaining that women “withhold” sex.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess I just don't really understand young people anymore! LOL that sounds so old. But what I mean is, if you meet someone you're wildly attracted to, the sex is great, you get along so well with them and all of their friends, they have a good job and education, you're hanging out every night anyway, why wouldn't you want to try a "serious" exclusive arrangement?

This idea that you shouldn't settle down till your late thirties is just odd to me. It's so arbitrary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

Well they are clearly not "great guys" if all they want is sex. Your average knuckle dragger wants sex, a great guy has more than that on his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

Well, duh, playing the “cool girl” never works. It shows you have no self esteem and will settle for scraps. Of course no man wants to commit to that, and no man is attracted to desperation.

It’s pretty disturbing that you use the term “withholding”. Nobody is entitled to something that another person doesn’t want to give. It’s no different than single guys complaining that women “withhold” sex.

Because these guys are more than happy to act the part of a boyfriend (hanging out every night, meeting the friends, practically living together on weekends, etc.) and not use the term and not be willing to give up the possibility of other women. That's withholding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

eh, it sounds like one of two things 1) she is going for men who are out of her league and she needs to set her sights on someone less "perfect" 2) she is really not that interested in dealing with a long term commitment but wants to be perceived as a "good girl" even though what she really likes is new sex and the thrill of the hunt.

She might even be a combo of the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless a man is in his 30s and has a steady job, he is not looking to settle. He is only looking for sex.

Women need to understand it and work towards becoming more independent in their 20s.

Women need to do the following in their 20s and trust me that they will not be lacking for serious, good quality and suitable suitors.
-Get their professional credentials in order. Study, intern, get degrees.
-Travel
-Build a nest egg by maxing out retirement saving as much as possible.
-Consider buying a condo or house if you are stable in your profession and intend to stay at a place for 5 years or so.
-Take care of their health and fitness, work towards their mental health or other issues fixed through therapy and workshops
-Take care of any cosmetic issues - lasik, laser hair removal, crooked teeth etc
- Develop hobbies, get involved with charities and non-profit work.
- Connect with people and keep in touch with them. Develop and nurture professional connections. Network.
- Expand their personal horizon, get new experiences - sports, travel, museums, art, theatre, book clubs, try new food, learn new language.
- Date a lot of people who treat you nicely from different walks of life.

What has happened to make men this way? I hate this idea that your 20s are just an extended period of adolescence and it's not "real" adulthood anymore. It is! Twenty somethings are more than capable of being adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP where does she live?

NY - Brooklyn

New poster here - ohhhhh. NYC guys are notoriously not ready to settle down til much later in life. That was true when I lived there 20 years ago before internet dating was the thing.

Best advice I can give is to cast a wider net, I.e. older guys that are ready to settle down, meeting guys through friend groups or work, or somehow geographically expanding options. The women I know, including my younger sister, that ended up marrying someone that they dated while living in NYC, it was always someone they met thru friends or knew from work or college and the guy didn’t always live in NYC. And even with that, the women had to be willing to pass on the Peter Pan B.S. if a guy wasn’t about a serious relationship then thanks but no thanks. Why accept less than what you want? And why should a guy even think about giving up other options if he can still be with you without any commitment? Don’t get me wrong, if your sister isn’t ready to settle down, then she is a good match for the guys that aren’t. But if she is, she shouldn’t waste her time on guys that aren’t looking for a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless a man is in his 30s and has a steady job, he is not looking to settle. He is only looking for sex.

Women need to understand it and work towards becoming more independent in their 20s.

Women need to do the following in their 20s and trust me that they will not be lacking for serious, good quality and suitable suitors.
-Get their professional credentials in order. Study, intern, get degrees.
-Travel
-Build a nest egg by maxing out retirement saving as much as possible.
-Consider buying a condo or house if you are stable in your profession and intend to stay at a place for 5 years or so.
-Take care of their health and fitness, work towards their mental health or other issues fixed through therapy and workshops
-Take care of any cosmetic issues - lasik, laser hair removal, crooked teeth etc
- Develop hobbies, get involved with charities and non-profit work.
- Connect with people and keep in touch with them. Develop and nurture professional connections. Network.
- Expand their personal horizon, get new experiences - sports, travel, museums, art, theatre, book clubs, try new food, learn new language.
- Date a lot of people who treat you nicely from different walks of life.

What has happened to make men this way? I hate this idea that your 20s are just an extended period of adolescence and it's not "real" adulthood anymore. It is! Twenty somethings are more than capable of being adults.

Agree. This list above is absurd!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

eh, it sounds like one of two things 1) she is going for men who are out of her league and she needs to set her sights on someone less "perfect" 2) she is really not that interested in dealing with a long term commitment but wants to be perceived as a "good girl" even though what she really likes is new sex and the thrill of the hunt.

She might even be a combo of the two.

This is a good comment. OP I dated casually through my twenties but if a relative who settled down at 19 asked me about my relationship status (trying to live some SATC fantasy vicariously) I would probably make noises about how it's fun to date but I wish I could find "the one" even though that's not actually what I was looking for at the time. Easier than the conversation about how I'm living and enjoying a very different life than you have NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE, or you listening to me talk about various different dates and then leaving the conversation thinking (/telling people) that I'm slutty or have no morals.

"I'm meeting great guys but no one that wants to settle down" is honest while still making you feel like she's the same type of girl you are, in a different situation. Look how mad you are at these guys you've never met - she was right to direct that judgment away from herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I just don't really understand young people anymore! LOL that sounds so old. But what I mean is, if you meet someone you're wildly attracted to, the sex is great, you get along so well with them and all of their friends, they have a good job and education, you're hanging out every night anyway, why wouldn't you want to try a "serious" exclusive arrangement?

This idea that you shouldn't settle down till your late thirties is just odd to me. It's so arbitrary.

Ummm ma'am....not everyone wants to settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I just don't really understand young people anymore! LOL that sounds so old. But what I mean is, if you meet someone you're wildly attracted to, the sex is great, you get along so well with them and all of their friends, they have a good job and education, you're hanging out every night anyway, why wouldn't you want to try a "serious" exclusive arrangement?

This idea that you shouldn't settle down till your late thirties is just odd to me. It's so arbitrary.

Ummm ma'am....not everyone wants to settle down.

Obviously. But we're talking about people who say they DO just not yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

eh, it sounds like one of two things 1) she is going for men who are out of her league and she needs to set her sights on someone less "perfect" 2) she is really not that interested in dealing with a long term commitment but wants to be perceived as a "good girl" even though what she really likes is new sex and the thrill of the hunt.

She might even be a combo of the two.

This is a good comment. OP I dated casually through my twenties but if a relative who settled down at 19 asked me about my relationship status (trying to live some SATC fantasy vicariously) I would probably make noises about how it's fun to date but I wish I could find "the one" even though that's not actually what I was looking for at the time. Easier than the conversation about how I'm living and enjoying a very different life than you have NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE, or you listening to me talk about various different dates and then leaving the conversation thinking (/telling people) that I'm slutty or have no morals.

"I'm meeting great guys but no one that wants to settle down" is honest while still making you feel like she's the same type of girl you are, in a different situation. Look how mad you are at these guys you've never met - she was right to direct that judgment away from herself.

OP here. Yeah I have to say, you're totally projecting. This is not the conversation we had. You're imagining things based on judgement you may have felt in your own life.