What do you do when none of the men you met want a "serious relationship"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah quite a few guys at work now say that they can hook up with a different girl each night of the week. So they aren't that interested in settling down.[b]

A few of the really good looking girls are having a harder time as the guys just want to have sex with them, they seem to find the ones who play heaps of games with them.

The average looking girls seem to settle down mid-late 20's and seem to be in more secure relationships that appear really healthy.

These guys are the extreme minority. Even with sites like tinder, the average man has to work VERY hard for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

The very first thing that needs to change is calling these guys "great men." They are NOT great. (I mean, I'm sure they're fine people and are entitled to whatever kind of relationship they want. But they are not some unattainable "great men" that she needs to chase.)

[Anonymous]

I would remove myself from the game. Why would I want to have (mostly) bad sex with men who don’t want to offer me anything? I wouldn’t ever entertain that. Is focus on my own life, travel, spend time with friends, my career etc. But that’s why I easily found a good on paper man to marry. It’s really not that hard to find a nice guy to marry if you aren’t desperate and demand respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

If she really wants a serious relationship but she's sleeping with people before a commitment and willing to keep sleeping with them when they explain they don't want a commitment, then sure they have all the power. But only because she's giving it to them. If she wants to sleep with this particular guy more than she wants to keep looking for a guy who wants the same thing she does, then she's prioritizing that guy over her end goal. That's fine, but after a frank conversation where you learn one party is not interested in commitment it's no longer their problem if you stay focused on them.

In my dating days I found guys wanted to settle down a lot faster than I did, not the opposite.

NP. This advice is totally outdated. If she didn't sleep with these guys, she wouldn't ever have sex. A good looking guy in Brooklyn (where women outnumber men anyway) knows he can get a different girl every night if he wants. No one "waits" anymore.

No, it was really good advice. If OP's SIL wastes her time and emotional energy on guys who are uninterested in a relationship (as a matter of principle, not even based on her!) then she'll never settle down. That's really f-ed up that you think women must have sex all the time then wait like a dog under the table for a man who will commit. I mean really, wtf.

If the SIL just wants to get laid -- sure, go do that. But having sex with men who don't want to be in a relationship with her is just crap advice. Nobody is saying she has to withhold sex forever -- just, don't have sex with guys who aren't into a relationship with you (unless it's just for that one night, and you're clear on what you want.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

The very first thing that needs to change is calling these guys "great men." They are NOT great. (I mean, I'm sure they're fine people and are entitled to whatever kind of relationship they want. But they are not some unattainable "great men" that she needs to chase.)

Your friend has problems. She’s not going to find a great guy as long as she keeps thinking these guys are great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

If she really wants a serious relationship but she's sleeping with people before a commitment and willing to keep sleeping with them when they explain they don't want a commitment, then sure they have all the power. But only because she's giving it to them. If she wants to sleep with this particular guy more than she wants to keep looking for a guy who wants the same thing she does, then she's prioritizing that guy over her end goal. That's fine, but after a frank conversation where you learn one party is not interested in commitment it's no longer their problem if you stay focused on them.

In my dating days I found guys wanted to settle down a lot faster than I did, not the opposite.

NP. This advice is totally outdated. If she didn't sleep with these guys, she wouldn't ever have sex. A good looking guy in Brooklyn (where women outnumber men anyway) knows he can get a different girl every night if he wants. No one "waits" anymore.

No, it was really good advice. If OP's SIL wastes her time and emotional energy on guys who are uninterested in a relationship (as a matter of principle, not even based on her!) then she'll never settle down. That's really f-ed up that you think women must have sex all the time then wait like a dog under the table for a man who will commit. I mean really, wtf.

If the SIL just wants to get laid -- sure, go do that. But having sex with men who don't want to be in a relationship with her is just crap advice. Nobody is saying she has to withhold sex forever -- just, don't have sex with guys who aren't into a relationship with you (unless it's just for that one night, and you're clear on what you want.)

I suspect it's a birds of a feather thing. When a woman repeatedly winds up hooking up with guys who are just not that into her, she is probably not all that into them, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

Well they are clearly not "great guys" if all they want is sex. Your average knuckle dragger wants sex, a great guy has more than that on his mind.

We all want sex. Some of us are able to disguise it better than others and make it appear there are other interests but the common denominator is sex

[Anonymous]

It might help if she picks less good looking guys, in my experience the Lookers of either sex are the ones getting the most attention who don't feel like they need to stay with one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

And yet other women her age are in serious relationship. It is her no needs to be blame others. Let’s put it in terms you can relate to the men do not suck ...she sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at all the 1950s "don't give the milk away for free advice"

That's DCUM for you!

So many frumpy middle aged women who haven't dated in decades think they can weigh in on what men (really boys) in their 20s will respond to.

They obviously no nothing, just ignore that BS.

This advice worked for me 8 years ago when I met my now husband. I was 26 at the time. We had several dates and sex didn't happen until there had been an exclusivity discussion, about a month after meeting. I have a really hard time believing it's become "outdated advice" in that period of time.

It is definitely outdated in NYC. Finding a woman to have sex with there is about as hard as getting wet when you fall out of a boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

Men age 16 to 28: "Waaah, it's so frustrating, women have all the power because they are withholding sex."

Women age 28 onward: "Waaah, it's so frustrating, men have all the power because they are withholding commitment."

Sucks when the shoe is on the other foot, don't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at all the 1950s "don't give the milk away for free advice"

That's DCUM for you!

So many frumpy middle aged women who haven't dated in decades think they can weigh in on what men (really boys) in their 20s will respond to.

They obviously no nothing, just ignore that BS.

This advice worked for me 8 years ago when I met my now husband. I was 26 at the time. We had several dates and sex didn't happen until there had been an exclusivity discussion, about a month after meeting. I have a really hard time believing it's become "outdated advice" in that period of time.

There's a difference between being exclusive - a very sane and ordinary requirement for a sexual relationship - and not giving away milk for free. The bovine-obsessed weirdos assume that men must be trapped into marriage with sex, and that women want to so entrap them.

[Anonymous]

I'm a male in my 40s who wanted (and had) serious relationships in my 20s but don't remember feeling like an outlier. I now manage a team of mostly 20 somethings that are mostly paired up. People that prioritize being in a relationship tend to find one.

[Anonymous]

Apply to be the next Bachelorette so she can find someone in it for, The Right Reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at all the 1950s "don't give the milk away for free advice"

That's DCUM for you!

So many frumpy middle aged women who haven't dated in decades think they can weigh in on what men (really boys) in their 20s will respond to.

They obviously no nothing, just ignore that BS.

This advice worked for me 8 years ago when I met my now husband. I was 26 at the time. We had several dates and sex didn't happen until there had been an exclusivity discussion, about a month after meeting. I have a really hard time believing it's become "outdated advice" in that period of time.

There's a difference between being exclusive - a very sane and ordinary requirement for a sexual relationship - and not giving away milk for free. The bovine-obsessed weirdos assume that men must be trapped into marriage with sex, and that women want to so entrap them.

The only time "give away milk for free" came up was the PP making fun of it -- no one actually gave that advice. The advice was don't keep sleeping with men who don't want commitment if commitment is important to you. If that's 1950s to you I'm not sure what to tell you. Keep doing what you're doing.