What do you do when none of the men you met want a "serious relationship"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m back in the dating scene after being married. Am early thirties. Even though it’s only been about a decade since I was on the scene, my sense is that everything has changed. The concept of commitment to most people - men and women - seems to be a scary, huge step. Everything is fluid, mutable, impermanent. I posit that apps like Tinder contribute to the notion that there’s always a better option “out there,” so people want perpetually to keep their options open.

For my part, I’m in a long-distance “situationship” with an old flame. We see each other every couple of months and hook up. No commitment. I see it as consistent sex with someone I trust and like, while I continue to date locally and try to find a good fit.

Strange times, these are.

your "old flame" is married and you're simply the Other Woman, a side piece and you know it. I'm sure your family is proud.

Cool story bro

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The culture has definitely changed! I’m 53 and when I was in my early 20’s there was no hook up culture that I was aware of so generally you dated someone for awhile before you slept with them. I’ve now been single for two years and the world has changed. The women I’ve dated are in their 40’s and if you meet them for coffee and there is a connection, the second time you get together sex is almost always available usually initiated by them. I don’t believe they were like this when they were in their 20’s (or I just never met them!) so something has changed.

I'm your age and, yes, college age kids met up at bars, frat parties, house parties all the time. Sometimes the guy would just walk the girl home, get her number and they would go out on a date but sometimes there was some heavy making out (or more) going on before phone numbers were even exchanged.

The 80's/90's were all about going to Georgetown, dancing, drinking, listening to music. Yep, hookups were happening even back in the day.

LOL please I am 52. People “hooked” up all the time. I seriously doubt anything has changed but the way in which people meet(phones).

[Anonymous]

If the SIL is consistently attracting attracting the same type of person, then there's only one common denominator- the SIL.

Maybe she has unresolved emotional issues from childhood, low self-esteem, unrealistic expectations for a partner, etc. For whatever reason, she's choosing men who are unsuitable for her. Until she resolves her issues, she isn't going to see clearly enough to choose men who are suitable.

Or despite whatever she says, she doesn't want or isn't ready for a committed relationship (and that's okay). But for whatever reason, she can't admit it to herself. So she chooses men who don't want to commit so she doesn't have to commit.

Successful dating (regardless of whether it's looking for a casual or long term relationship) requires a certain of self-awareness and self- honesty. There's a pattern of behavior and SIL has to be willing to examine it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the SIL is consistently attracting attracting the same type of person, then there's only one common denominator- the SIL.

Maybe she has unresolved emotional issues from childhood, low self-esteem, unrealistic expectations for a partner, etc. For whatever reason, she's choosing men who are unsuitable for her. Until she resolves her issues, she isn't going to see clearly enough to choose men who are suitable.

Or despite whatever she says, she doesn't want or isn't ready for a committed relationship (and that's okay). But for whatever reason, she can't admit it to herself. So she chooses men who don't want to commit so she doesn't have to commit.

Successful dating (regardless of whether it's looking for a casual or long term relationship) requires a certain of self-awareness and self- honesty. There's a pattern of behavior and SIL has to be willing to examine it.

I agree with you but by her age she should know all of the above already. I think she doesn't want to commit herself but uses this "no good men out there" shtick to get people like Op off her back.

Yes, Op, I don't think you are intentionally getting on her back at all. That doesn't mean that she still doesn't think that she would be judged by you and others for not looking for "Mr. Right" and wanting marriage.

There was a time when I was single and free and really did not want a boyfriend. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The culture has definitely changed! I’m 53 and when I was in my early 20’s there was no hook up culture that I was aware of so generally you dated someone for awhile before you slept with them. I’ve now been single for two years and the world has changed. The women I’ve dated are in their 40’s and if you meet them for coffee and there is a connection, the second time you get together sex is almost always available usually initiated by them. I don’t believe they were like this when they were in their 20’s (or I just never met them!) so something has changed.

I'm your age and, yes, college age kids met up at bars, frat parties, house parties all the time. Sometimes the guy would just walk the girl home, get her number and they would go out on a date but sometimes there was some heavy making out (or more) going on before phone numbers were even exchanged.

The 80's/90's were all about going to Georgetown, dancing, drinking, listening to music. Yep, hookups were happening even back in the day.

LOL please I am 52. People “hooked” up all the time. I seriously doubt anything has changed but the way in which people meet(phones).

eh, I think that "meeting" someone on your phone is a whole lot different than meeting them in person. I'm sure there are pros and cons to both approaches - when you meet a guy at a party there is likely physical chemistry between you and you get to know each other when you talk with each other. When you see a picture of a guy along with his profile "application" you have a rundown of his stated occupation, likes, height, weight, eye color, marital status (single never married, single divorced, single widower, single separated). If all the boxes checked look promising then you can meet up and see if their is chemistry between you.

The whole online approach (let me review your portfolio, sir, and I will text you to schedule a meeting) seems very....forced and not too fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The culture has definitely changed! I’m 53 and when I was in my early 20’s there was no hook up culture that I was aware of so generally you dated someone for awhile before you slept with them. I’ve now been single for two years and the world has changed. The women I’ve dated are in their 40’s and if you meet them for coffee and there is a connection, the second time you get together sex is almost always available usually initiated by them. I don’t believe they were like this when they were in their 20’s (or I just never met them!) so something has changed.

I'm your age and, yes, college age kids met up at bars, frat parties, house parties all the time. Sometimes the guy would just walk the girl home, get her number and they would go out on a date but sometimes there was some heavy making out (or more) going on before phone numbers were even exchanged.

The 80's/90's were all about going to Georgetown, dancing, drinking, listening to music. Yep, hookups were happening even back in the day.

LOL please I am 52. People “hooked” up all the time. I seriously doubt anything has changed but the way in which people meet(phones).

eh, I think that "meeting" someone on your phone is a whole lot different than meeting them in person. I'm sure there are pros and cons to both approaches - when you meet a guy at a party there is likely physical chemistry between you and you get to know each other when you talk with each other. When you see a picture of a guy along with his profile "application" you have a rundown of his stated occupation, likes, height, weight, eye color, marital status (single never married, single divorced, single widower, single separated). If all the boxes checked look promising then you can meet up and see if their is chemistry between you.

The whole online approach (let me review your portfolio, sir, and I will text you to schedule a meeting) seems very....forced and not too fun.

Exactly. Actual attraction has more to do with checking boxes. Yes, I typically find tall, blondish guys attractive, but have certainly met other kinds of men IRL that also caught my attention. And, of course, have met tall, blondish men that I’m *not* attracted to. Interaction is the best indicator of actual attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at all the 1950s "don't give the milk away for free advice"

That's DCUM for you!

So many frumpy middle aged women who haven't dated in decades think they can weigh in on what men (really boys) in their 20s will respond to.

They obviously no nothing, just ignore that BS.

Right? I mean, OP's sister should just keep being a slut, not offer anything to make her relatinship material. Eventually some simp will come along and bail her out, right?

I'm LOLing at pp's poor advice. Obviously pp has more wisdom than people in their 40's or 50's...LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

I was a virgin until I was 22 and I know I drove my college BF's crazy by never putting out but they never disrespected me. The few guys I did have sex with prior to my DH had to wait a pretty long time before I was willing to have sex. Funny thing is I had sex with my DH on our first date - I asked him out - but we had been good friends for a few years. So you never know!

I dated you in college. What a waste of time looking back. You gave it up for other guys, yet I was the "respectful" one. I cringe at the memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

I was a virgin until I was 22 and I know I drove my college BF's crazy by never putting out but they never disrespected me. The few guys I did have sex with prior to my DH had to wait a pretty long time before I was willing to have sex. Funny thing is I had sex with my DH on our first date - I asked him out - but we had been good friends for a few years. So you never know!

I dated you in college. What a waste of time looking back. You gave it up for other guys, yet I was the "respectful" one. I cringe at the memory.

You knew him for years, big difference. Waste of time having sex with bf's if there's no future involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

I was a virgin until I was 22 and I know I drove my college BF's crazy by never putting out but they never disrespected me. The few guys I did have sex with prior to my DH had to wait a pretty long time before I was willing to have sex. Funny thing is I had sex with my DH on our first date - I asked him out - but we had been good friends for a few years. So you never know!

I dated you in college. What a waste of time looking back. You gave it up for other guys, yet I was the "respectful" one. I cringe at the memory.

Haha. And you're still bitter about it after all these years. That, alone, tells you who won that showdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

I was a virgin until I was 22 and I know I drove my college BF's crazy by never putting out but they never disrespected me. The few guys I did have sex with prior to my DH had to wait a pretty long time before I was willing to have sex. Funny thing is I had sex with my DH on our first date - I asked him out - but we had been good friends for a few years. So you never know!

I dated you in college. What a waste of time looking back. You gave it up for other guys, yet I was the "respectful" one. I cringe at the memory.

Haha. And you're still bitter about it after all these years. That, alone, tells you who won that showdown.

+1

Yep, the good one got away. She knew what he was..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

I was a virgin until I was 22 and I know I drove my college BF's crazy by never putting out but they never disrespected me. The few guys I did have sex with prior to my DH had to wait a pretty long time before I was willing to have sex. Funny thing is I had sex with my DH on our first date - I asked him out - but we had been good friends for a few years. So you never know!

I dated you in college. What a waste of time looking back. You gave it up for other guys, yet I was the "respectful" one. I cringe at the memory.

Not bitter, disappointed. We had a good thing going. She's now divorced while I have been married a long time. What showdown? Am I supposed to plead or force someone to have sex with me?


Haha. And you're still bitter about it after all these years. That, alone, tells you who won that showdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

I was a virgin until I was 22 and I know I drove my college BF's crazy by never putting out but they never disrespected me. The few guys I did have sex with prior to my DH had to wait a pretty long time before I was willing to have sex. Funny thing is I had sex with my DH on our first date - I asked him out - but we had been good friends for a few years. So you never know!

I dated you in college. What a waste of time looking back. You gave it up for other guys, yet I was the "respectful" one. I cringe at the memory.

Haha. And you're still bitter about it after all these years. That, alone, tells you who won that showdown.

+1

Yep, the good one got away. She knew what he was..

What's your point?

[Anonymous]

I just heard about the 80 20 rule. 80% women want/go after the top 20% of men while 80% of men compete for the bottom 20% of men. There is a huge disconnect.

My BIL lives in Manhattan. I know he matched with some girl in Brooklyn. He is just killing time with her. He is not in love with her. I know he keeps his options open. The Brooklyn girl is cute, well educated and has a good job. She is fine but I guess not enough.

Nyc is a bad place to date. Too many options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

I was a virgin until I was 22 and I know I drove my college BF's crazy by never putting out but they never disrespected me. The few guys I did have sex with prior to my DH had to wait a pretty long time before I was willing to have sex. Funny thing is I had sex with my DH on our first date - I asked him out - but we had been good friends for a few years. So you never know!

I dated you in college. What a waste of time looking back. You gave it up for other guys, yet I was the "respectful" one. I cringe at the memory.

Not bitter, disappointed. We had a good thing going. She's now divorced while I have been married a long time. What showdown? Am I supposed to plead or force someone to have sex with me?


Haha. And you're still bitter about it after all these years. That, alone, tells you who won that showdown.

Should have put a ring on it instead of insisting that she allow you to sample her wares first. Live and learn.