What do you do when none of the men you met want a "serious relationship"?

[Anonymous]

I was talking to my younger SIL who is in her late twenties. She hasn't had a long term relationship for as long as I've known her (so for over a decade). She hooks up and has sex but none of the guys she meets wants a "relationship"?

I get the sense that this is the norm for people that age. What are the women who are looking to settle down supposed to do?!

I'm a decade older than her. It wasn't like that when I was that age. I met my future husband at 19. We clicked and that was that right away. What is up with these men who throw away great women because it's theoretically possible that a better one might be around the corner?

Peter Pan syndrome.

[Anonymous]

^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

[Anonymous]

Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have that problem at all when I was single. It was more of the opposite, men wanted more commitment from me than I was willing to give because I wanted to keep my options open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

[Anonymous]

OP where does she live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP where does she live?

NY - Brooklyn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

[Anonymous]

Yeah quite a few guys at work now say that they can hook up with a different girl each night of the week. So they aren't that interested in settling down.

A few of the really good looking girls are having a harder time as the guys just want to have sex with them, they seem to find the ones who play heaps of games with them.

The average looking girls seem to settle down mid-late 20's and seem to be in more secure relationships that appear really healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah quite a few guys at work now say that they can hook up with a different girl each night of the week. So they aren't that interested in settling down.

A few of the really good looking girls are having a harder time as the guys just want to have sex with them, they seem to find the ones who play heaps of games with them.

The average looking girls seem to settle down mid-late 20's and seem to be in more secure relationships that appear really healthy.

Because they settle for guys who know they can't get beautiful women so they take what they can get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

If she really wants a serious relationship but she's sleeping with people before a commitment and willing to keep sleeping with them when they explain they don't want a commitment, then sure they have all the power. But only because she's giving it to them. If she wants to sleep with this particular guy more than she wants to keep looking for a guy who wants the same thing she does, then she's prioritizing that guy over her end goal. That's fine, but after a frank conversation where you learn one party is not interested in commitment it's no longer their problem if you stay focused on them.

In my dating days I found guys wanted to settle down a lot faster than I did, not the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking your advice? Doesn't seem like it.

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do. There are plenty out there, especially at her age. In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

If she really wants a serious relationship but she's sleeping with people before a commitment and willing to keep sleeping with them when they explain they don't want a commitment, then sure they have all the power. But only because she's giving it to them. If she wants to sleep with this particular guy more than she wants to keep looking for a guy who wants the same thing she does, then she's prioritizing that guy over her end goal. That's fine, but after a frank conversation where you learn one party is not interested in commitment it's no longer their problem if you stay focused on them.

In my dating days I found guys wanted to settle down a lot faster than I did, not the opposite.

NP. This advice is totally outdated. If she didn't sleep with these guys, she wouldn't ever have sex. A good looking guy in Brooklyn (where women outnumber men anyway) knows he can get a different girl every night if he wants. No one "waits" anymore.

[Anonymous]

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because it's like the men have all the power in this scenario because they are withholding.

I’m guessing she’s ignoring 99% of guys, and complaining about the 1% that have their pick of the litter nightly. Or maybe it’s 1 out of 20 instead of 1 out of 100 that are tall and affluent enough, but she’s still holding out for a prince, at a guess.

[Anonymous]

It’s because she’s sleeping with them under circumstances that will not yield a relationship.

Sex is fine but sounds like she’s doing it with randoms, which is fine and all, except she wants a relationship. So she needs to work more on the mental/emotional game.

[Anonymous]

She hooks up and has sex but none of the guys she meets wants a "relationship"?

She shouldn't be hooking up. Even if guys expect it. Just try to "hang out" without sex first. I guarantee there will be someone who'll want a relationship with her.