What do you do when none of the men you met want a "serious relationship"?

[Anonymous]

The culture has definitely changed! I’m 53 and when I was in my early 20’s there was no hook up culture that I was aware of so generally you dated someone for awhile before you slept with them. I’ve now been single for two years and the world has changed. The women I’ve dated are in their 40’s and if you meet them for coffee and there is a connection, the second time you get together sex is almost always available usually initiated by them. I don’t believe they were like this when they were in their 20’s (or I just never met them!) so something has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The culture has definitely changed! I’m 53 and when I was in my early 20’s there was no hook up culture that I was aware of so generally you dated someone for awhile before you slept with them. I’ve now been single for two years and the world has changed. The women I’ve dated are in their 40’s and if you meet them for coffee and there is a connection, the second time you get together sex is almost always available usually initiated by them. I don’t believe they were like this when they were in their 20’s (or I just never met them!) so something has changed.

I'm your age and, yes, college age kids met up at bars, frat parties, house parties all the time. Sometimes the guy would just walk the girl home, get her number and they would go out on a date but sometimes there was some heavy making out (or more) going on before phone numbers were even exchanged.

The 80's/90's were all about going to Georgetown, dancing, drinking, listening to music. Yep, hookups were happening even back in the day.

[Anonymous]

This shouldn't be a problem. With all the dating apps make it clear in your profile. You are only looking for long term eventually leading to marriage. That way you're only encountering people who share the same goals. A big no no is wasting your precious time, too many do this. Don't demean yourself by doing hook-ups, stick to your goals. Sure there are a lot of flakes out there, and people trading STDs. Avoid them at all costs.

[Anonymous]

It's this online dating stuff that has changed things. I can't imagine posting a picture of myself with the caption "Looking for a husband". That just seems so damned awkward.

Every guy you agree to meet for coffee knows that you want a ring on it, lol.

Don't people ever just meet each other at parties, clubs, sporting events, etc anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at all the 1950s "don't give the milk away for free advice"

That's DCUM for you!

So many frumpy middle aged women who haven't dated in decades think they can weigh in on what men (really boys) in their 20s will respond to.

They obviously no nothing, just ignore that BS.

Right? I mean, OP's sister should just keep being a slut, not offer anything to make her relatinship material. Eventually some simp will come along and bail her out, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has happened to make men this way?

Feminism made marriage a shit deal for men, and allowed men to get sex without it. Men are just playing by the rules women set.

Life for women before feminism was terrible and no bed of roses. Feminism is good. It however also requires women to become empowered, independent and mature. The list above is great for men and women. Become worthy of good things. Remove the abundance/lack of sex from the reasons you want to get married and things become clearer. Develop as a human being so that when you marry and have children, you have a better chance to build something worthwhile in your professional and personal life.

- PP who made the list above.

Feminism always exaggerated, and continues to exaggerate, how "terrible" life was for women before feminism. (Life in past decades was terrible for men, too, by the way. My grandfather had to leave school at 12 and go to work. Before that the men in my family were all farm laborers and miners. Did they have great options and choices in life? Nope. They had daily back-breaking labor. But at least their white privilege was some consolation, right?) Whatever else feminism has done, it has not made women happy. But if you still think it's "good", whatever.

Even if one agrees that life before feminism was terrible, that is irrelevant. Feminism has made marriage a shit deal for men. If women want to get married... and apparently they do... perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the parts of feminism that make marriage unattractive to men.

Or perhaps it is time for some men to evolve into something beyond sex obsessed brutes.

Ummm, did you bother to read the Original Post in this thread? It's referring to a sex-obsessed female.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has happened to make men this way?

Feminism made marriage a shit deal for men, and allowed men to get sex without it. Men are just playing by the rules women set.

Life for women before feminism was terrible and no bed of roses. Feminism is good. It however also requires women to become empowered, independent and mature. The list above is great for men and women. Become worthy of good things. Remove the abundance/lack of sex from the reasons you want to get married and things become clearer. Develop as a human being so that when you marry and have children, you have a better chance to build something worthwhile in your professional and personal life.

- PP who made the list above.

Feminism always exaggerated, and continues to exaggerate, how "terrible" life was for women before feminism. (Life in past decades was terrible for men, too, by the way. My grandfather had to leave school at 12 and go to work. Before that the men in my family were all farm laborers and miners. Did they have great options and choices in life? Nope. They had daily back-breaking labor. But at least their white privilege was some consolation, right?) Whatever else feminism has done, it has not made women happy. But if you still think it's "good", whatever.

Even if one agrees that life before feminism was terrible, that is irrelevant. Feminism has made marriage a shit deal for men. If women want to get married... and apparently they do... perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the parts of feminism that make marriage unattractive to men.

Look, I'll cop to being miserable as a modern woman (person). But you know what would be MORE miserable? Being forced to get married at 22, no birth control, 6 kids, can't work, can't have title to my own home, DH can beat & rape me ... no thanks!

You're totally deluded if you think that describes the average woman before 1960. You should ask some actual women who reached adulthood before 1960, they'd be happy to tell you about it.

PP isn't deluded. That's just how it is in her MENA country and it's religion-specific culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m back in the dating scene after being married. Am early thirties. Even though it’s only been about a decade since I was on the scene, my sense is that everything has changed. The concept of commitment to most people - men and women - seems to be a scary, huge step. Everything is fluid, mutable, impermanent. I posit that apps like Tinder contribute to the notion that there’s always a better option “out there,” so people want perpetually to keep their options open.

For my part, I’m in a long-distance “situationship” with an old flame. We see each other every couple of months and hook up. No commitment. I see it as consistent sex with someone I trust and like, while I continue to date locally and try to find a good fit.

Strange times, these are.

your "old flame" is married and you're simply the Other Woman, a side piece and you know it. I'm sure your family is proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has happened to make men this way?

Feminism made marriage a shit deal for men, and allowed men to get sex without it. Men are just playing by the rules women set.

Life for women before feminism was terrible and no bed of roses. Feminism is good. It however also requires women to become empowered, independent and mature. The list above is great for men and women. Become worthy of good things. Remove the abundance/lack of sex from the reasons you want to get married and things become clearer. Develop as a human being so that when you marry and have children, you have a better chance to build something worthwhile in your professional and personal life.

- PP who made the list above.

Feminism always exaggerated, and continues to exaggerate, how "terrible" life was for women before feminism. (Life in past decades was terrible for men, too, by the way. My grandfather had to leave school at 12 and go to work. Before that the men in my family were all farm laborers and miners. Did they have great options and choices in life? Nope. They had daily back-breaking labor. But at least their white privilege was some consolation, right?) Whatever else feminism has done, it has not made women happy. But if you still think it's "good", whatever.

Even if one agrees that life before feminism was terrible, that is irrelevant. Feminism has made marriage a shit deal for men. If women want to get married... and apparently they do... perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the parts of feminism that make marriage unattractive to men.

Look, I'll cop to being miserable as a modern woman (person). But you know what would be MORE miserable? Being forced to get married at 22, no birth control, 6 kids, can't work, can't have title to my own home, DH can beat & rape me ... no thanks!

You're totally deluded if you think that describes the average woman before 1960. You should ask some actual women who reached adulthood before 1960, they'd be happy to tell you about it.

PP isn't deluded. That's just how it is in her MENA country and it's religion-specific culture.

Husbands have raped and beat their wives in every culture throughout history, and these acts still occur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I just don't really understand young people anymore! LOL that sounds so old. But what I mean is, if you meet someone you're wildly attracted to, the sex is great, you get along so well with them and all of their friends, they have a good job and education, you're hanging out every night anyway, why wouldn't you want to try a "serious" exclusive arrangement?

This idea that you shouldn't settle down till your late thirties is just odd to me. It's so arbitrary.

It has nothing to do with "young" people these days. It has to do with your cousin sabotaging herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

I have that friend too, except she's now 39. She, too, claims it's the men these days. She is very beautiful, takes excellent care of herself, and looks much younger than her years. Established career, social life, international travel etc. She's got a demands list a mile long though... and at the top of it is that the guy has to be well off. She is attracted to guys who are flashy, both in looks and in personality. She overlooks and dismisses the guys who aren't "hot", who don't have an "in" at the latest nightlife spots, who aren't likely to whisk her off to Bora Bora on a whim. Well, the flashy guys will date her, even for an entire year sometimes, and then they dump her and a) marry someone from their own SES / a family friend / old girlfriend from boarding school, or b) date/marry a 25 year old. She's been living in NY for a decade, has had her heart broken again and again, but says she refuses to "settle".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I know you're going to suggest that it's her but I promise you it's not. She's a good looking girl (very pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful). Great education, good job, lots of friends, active social life.

It's the men her age who suck!

Uh, the issue isn't whether she has a great education, good job, lots of friends, and active social life. The issue is that she is chasing men who are not available and probably doing it for reasons that she is in denial about. I say that because I've been there and done that. She needs to do therapy about why she has a problem with commitment. Yes, I'm serious. It's her choices that are the problem.

+ 1. I’m single and OPs age, don’t hook up, and have been in two LTRs. Waited until it was serious enough in both instances. Dated casually without hooking up all the time, and some of those men I never slept with still reach out years later. Being chaste is never something a man will judge you for.

My younger cousin is 10yrs you get and like OPs SIL. She is on Tinder and has been in two serious relationships from the app. You attract what you have he capacity to nurture on the inside, everything else eventually falls away.

I was a virgin until I was 22 and I know I drove my college BF's crazy by never putting out but they never disrespected me. The few guys I did have sex with prior to my DH had to wait a pretty long time before I was willing to have sex. Funny thing is I had sex with my DH on our first date - I asked him out - but we had been good friends for a few years. So you never know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The culture has definitely changed! I’m 53 and when I was in my early 20’s there was no hook up culture that I was aware of so generally you dated someone for awhile before you slept with them. I’ve now been single for two years and the world has changed. The women I’ve dated are in their 40’s and if you meet them for coffee and there is a connection, the second time you get together sex is almost always available usually initiated by them. I don’t believe they were like this when they were in their 20’s (or I just never met them!) so something has changed.

I'm your age and, yes, college age kids met up at bars, frat parties, house parties all the time. Sometimes the guy would just walk the girl home, get her number and they would go out on a date but sometimes there was some heavy making out (or more) going on before phone numbers were even exchanged.

The 80's/90's were all about going to Georgetown, dancing, drinking, listening to music. Yep, hookups were happening even back in the day.

I'm in my 60s and I hooked up in college.