Considering an affair
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Anonymous
OP here. Well, let's see. It is possible to love your family, children, and yet still desire other things. My consideration of an affair doesn't mean I care about my family less than you care about yours, I am just thinking about it and putting my thoughts in an anonymous public forum. I care about my marriage and neither my husband and I have a desire to end it, however, we are both upfront about the fact that there's something missing presently and I have voiced my desire to have an open marriage in the past. He has never explicitly opposed it, but I doubt I'll ever get his blessing either. As far as "blowing up" someone else's marriage, the man I am interested in is an adult, and he can make his own decisions. Should I decide to let him know I'm interested, and he doesn't take the bait, I'm not going to continue the pursuit. |
Anonymous
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I'm a MW who had an affair. I did it because there were gaps in my marriage that weren't being addressed and I figured I could find someone to fill in those gaps. So I moved forward on it, thinking that my H would never find out (we lived in separate cities at this time) and this was also before kids.
It was the most horrible, most selfish choice I ever made. It was wrong on so many levels. Not only did I obviously disrespect my husband and marriage, I disrespected myself. Any personal integrity I had went out the window. You say the other man is an adult, makes his own choices. I told myself that too. But here's the thing...you are entitled to your own happiness. But not at someone else's expense. And with an affair, you are pursuing "happiness" at the expense of your family and the other man's family, whether they know about it or not. Because the mental energy you will spend on this other man will take away focus from your husband, your family. Time you spend with other man will be time not spent with family. Time the other man spends with you is time he's not with his family. Etc. It seems like you've already decided, and as I know from my experience, no one could've talked me out of what I did once I decided. I had to learn some hard lessons with a lot of pain to myself and others. I eventually told my H what I did and understandably it was not a positive experience. Actually the worst day of my life. I did a lot of self-reflection to find out why I thought what I did was okay, why I thought disrespecting the one person who had my back was okay. My H and I worked through our issues, I was incredibly fortunate that he was willing to give me a second chance. I am thankful every day for all the things I currently have in my life, because I almost lost it all due to my own selfishness. You will do what you are going to do. I guess I would just say to fully understand and accept all the possible outcomes before taking that step...an affair is something that cannot be undone. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| 16:35 here one more time...just to say, my xMM ended up divorced. Turned out I wasn't the only MW he had in the stable. And I got an STD, which is what led to my d-day...what I thought was "romantic" (unprotected sex) resulted in my own stupidity. So at the very minimum, protect yourself. There are so, so many things I regret in regard to my affair...it makes me both sad and angry to see others contemplating an affair as something positive when it resulted in the lowest point of my life, and my H's life. Please, please consider other options...counseling, divorce even...it's not worth the loss of self-respect or integrity or whatever more you can lose. |
Anonymous
Wow. This is horrible and incredibly short-sighted. Your complete lack of integrity, morals, and empathy is very clear. I feel sorry for your husband and children that they have a sociopath for a spouse/parent. And of course there's also the other person's family! This will not end well. You cannot claim to care about your marriage, yet at the same time have an affair. What in the hell kind of ludicrous rationalization is your entire argument? This is painful to read, because my child and I are dealing with the horrific fault-out from my sociopath ex-spouse's choices to have multiple affairs, amongst other terrible things. I don't even know why I'm responding because you won't care and you're going to do whatever suits your own desires, no matter the outcome or who it hurts. |
Anonymous
Did you specifically ask your husband if he would divorce you if you had an affair with this particular person? If so, and he said no, then carry on. If not, why not? |
Anonymous
No, I didn't. My dad did. I'm pretty sure having a parent who has affairs universally sucks for most kids. But feel free to create your own narrative. |
Anonymous
| Did you start that other thread too, OP? Please get therapy. |
Anonymous
Oh, OF COURSE it's the same person. OP, you're a mess. |
Anonymous
+1. I'm in the same boat as you, PP, and I agree. |
Anonymous
| My thoughtful guidance is not to do it. Seek counseling for your marriage, and if that doesn't work, end it. If you don't listen to that and feel you must have an affair, look for someone single. This isn't the only person in the world. |
Anonymous
| You are trash. |
Anonymous
It's not likely if they are both careful. I know from plenty of experience. Believe me, there are people you know who are now, of have been involved in affairs and you will never know it. It's far from inevitable that an affair will be discovered. I've pulled off many for many years and a few of of my women partners had been at it over a decade. |
Anonymous
+ 1,000,000 |
Anonymous
You are a good writer. I don't believe for a minute that this is "your" story, but you do write well. It's like every bit bit of moralizing and warnings about what can go wrong in an affair all rolled into one neat story of a few paragraphs. Wow, you realized the error of your ways and the harm you were causing, got an STD, had to confess, he forgave you and you are still together, while the other guy is no longer married and you found out he was seeing others besides you? Seriously, your tell is cramming way too much into this BS story. |
Anonymous
Plenty of fish in the sea and it doesn't have to be with a married man either. I wish you the best of luck. A sexually unfulfilling marriage can really drain the life out of you while an affair can really give you back your spark, emotional energy, and put a smile on your face. Be careful you don't smile too much. Seriously. |