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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP that’s crap.  Mid 40s wife here married 15 years and still have great sex on date nights and non date nights as well.  Avg about 4x/week.  We have four kids.
What was your sex life like when you first got together?[/quote]

Sex life was great when we first got together.  And when married.  Died off when kids came and never really came back.  Yes, we have toys, she will use one and can finish.  But she is never, ever in the mood, no desire to talk about it.  If we have the clothed conversation she will either cry or get huffy and turn it into "ok fine lets just do it now then."

I get her libido is way lower, I don't get why it wouldn't occur to her to do something nice for me once in a while even if she wasn't in the mood.  [/quote]

This sounds a lot like my marriage. It's not good, but it's not necessarily a red flag about your relationship unless sex is a deal breaker for you. (And it may very well be a deal breaker, and there is no shame in that -- sex is important.) But the thing to keep in mind is that her not wanting to have sex with you, while it sucks immensely, is not necessarily a reflection of whether she loves you or not. I've been there. I know how tempting it is to feel like if my wife loved me, she'd want to have sex with me. That's just not necessarily so -- much as I would like it.

In my case, I've never found choreplay or date nights or "clothed conversations" to move the needle at all with respect to sexual frequency. These people who think they have the answers don't. How many of the people here telling you to have conversations can actually say "our sex life sucked, one of us never ever wanted to have sex, but then we talked about it, and now our sex life is frequent and rewarding"? They're just telling you what seems like ought to work. But, in reality, they don't often work. I mean, if you haven't ever talked to her about it, then tell her. But you don't need to talk about it more than 3 or 4 times. If nothing has changed after that, it's not because you're not talking enough. At that point, she knows, she just can't or won't change.

If there is something problematic in your relationship other than sex that you two need to work on, then by all means, work on them. Work on yourself just because making yourself better is a good thing to do. But don't carry around an unrealistic expectation that any of it is going to make your wife hot for you. The reality is that's probably not going to happen. And, while sad, I think this is a fairly normal state of affairs for a long-time married couple. Hormones just don't cooperate. Make your peace with it or end the marriage. There's good and bad to both courses of action. [/quote]

OP here, thanks and what you wrote resonated.  You are right, it's been going on for more than a decade so it's not likely to get better ( I assume it will only get worse as we age). I'd hate to break up my family over this, I'd like to think we could figure out a compromise and I am totally game for alternative arrangements [/quote]

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