Should I go to his mother’s funeral?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I vote no because you didn't even know her. You go to a funeral to pay your respects. Not to tag along as someone's companion. It's not a wedding people.

This is not correct. I used to think the same, until my co-worker's dad died and I had the same question, and my boss set me straight. You do not go to a funeral for the dead person, you go for the survivors. I took a plane and rented a car and showed up at my co-worker's dad's funeral, and she still remembers. This had to be circa 1996.

The surviving family member always remembers who showed up and who didn't.

Years after receiving this advice, my father died in 2001. I still remember this family I didn't know well (knew them through my DH's business connection) showing up. They moved years ago, but we still send them a holiday card with a note, and I still have a warm spot in my heart for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it really depends. I can understand how it's awkward to ask "do you want me to go" to a guy that just lost his mother.

If he gave you the wedding details, including time and place, then that does sound like an invitation. You might, if possible, talk to him and gently sound as if you are making plans to attend, but then ask him if he is OK with that. Basically, start with the assumption that he wants you to attend and then give him the opportunity to react to it.

This is horrible advice. Look, whether you have another date or not, you have been dating the man. Were I him and you didn't show, I would think "she has no interest." You don't need to make a fuss and you certainly don't want to be the center of attention. Introduce yourself as a friend of "Joe", express your sympathy and move on. Sit in the back of the church for the funeral but at the end of a pew so he sees and knows you attended. Don't go to the cemetery or the reception following if you are concerned that it makes you look clingy. If he says something about missing you there, just say that you needed to get back to work and you didn't want to be a distraction or pull him from family. You were concerned he'd be worried about you not knowing anyone, so you thought it was best. The last part won't likely come up, so most likely not an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely go. Funerals are for everyone to pay respect to the deceased and support family members. You do not need an invitation for going for it because it is not a family Christmas party.

Go. Be unobtrusive. Pay your respects. Send flowers, write a condolence card. Don't introduce yourself as anything but a friend. Maybe give a hug to the person and then leave. This is a kind and humane thing to do - and has nothing to do with what your relationship is.

um she is a STRANGER. My grandmother is about to die, and I'd be suuuuper weirded out if someone I met twice, or barely knew, came to the funeral or wake. you have no idea what the situation is - maybe there will be only a small number of people. Send flowers. Do not go to this funeral, not unless you make it a practice to go to funerals of family members of people you have met twice.

All I can say is that if you get offended if someone you do not know well attends your grandmother funeral, then your upbringing has been seriously lacking in basic etiquettes.

It is never wrong to attend funerals for a short while and support people. Even you know them in a very peripheral manner - it is never overstepping if you attend the funeral for a short while. It is a very gracious thing to do. It is an occasion of sorrow and you have to be somewhat less than human to not show your humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I vote no because you didn't even know her. You go to a funeral to pay your respects. Not to tag along as someone's companion. It's not a wedding people.

This is not correct. I used to think the same, until my co-worker's dad died and I had the same question, and my boss set me straight. You do not go to a funeral for the dead person, you go for the survivors. I took a plane and rented a car and showed up at my co-worker's dad's funeral, and she still remembers. This had to be circa 1996.

The surviving family member always remembers who showed up and who didn't.

Years after receiving this advice, my father died in 2001. I still remember this family I didn't know well (knew them through my DH's business connection) showing up. They moved years ago, but we still send them a holiday card with a note, and I still have a warm spot in my heart for them.

You took a plane and rented a car to go to a coworker's father's funeral? that's just ... weird, and totally not called for. I mean, I work in an office with an average older age of workers, and if I did that, I'd spend all my retirement $$ and vacation time on strangers' funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it really depends. I can understand how it's awkward to ask "do you want me to go" to a guy that just lost his mother.

If he gave you the wedding details, including time and place, then that does sound like an invitation. You might, if possible, talk to him and gently sound as if you are making plans to attend, but then ask him if he is OK with that. Basically, start with the assumption that he wants you to attend and then give him the opportunity to react to it.

This is horrible advice. Look, whether you have another date or not, you have been dating the man. Were I him and you didn't show, I would think "she has no interest." You don't need to make a fuss and you certainly don't want to be the center of attention. Introduce yourself as a friend of "Joe", express your sympathy and move on. Sit in the back of the church for the funeral but at the end of a pew so he sees and knows you attended. Don't go to the cemetery or the reception following if you are concerned that it makes you look clingy. If he says something about missing you there, just say that you needed to get back to work and you didn't want to be a distraction or pull him from family. You were concerned he'd be worried about you not knowing anyone, so you thought it was best. The last part won't likely come up, so most likely not an issue.

Ugh, ugh, ugh. A funeral is NOT a way to get a guy to ask you out on a 3rd date. Seriously? He's not going to notice she's there, or it's going to be negative, or mildly positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it really depends. I can understand how it's awkward to ask "do you want me to go" to a guy that just lost his mother.
If he gave you the wedding details, including time and place, then that does sound like an invitation. You might, if possible, talk to him and gently sound as if you are making plans to attend, but then ask him if he is OK with that. Basically, start with the assumption that he wants you to attend and then give him the opportunity to react to it.

This is horrible advice. Look, whether you have another date or not, you have been dating the man. Were I him and you didn't show, I would think "she has no interest." You don't need to make a fuss and you certainly don't want to be the center of attention. Introduce yourself as a friend of "Joe", express your sympathy and move on. Sit in the back of the church for the funeral but at the end of a pew so he sees and knows you attended. Don't go to the cemetery or the reception following if you are concerned that it makes you look clingy. If he says something about missing you there, just say that you needed to get back to work and you didn't want to be a distraction or pull him from family. You were concerned he'd be worried about you not knowing anyone, so you thought it was best. The last part won't likely come up, so most likely not an issue.

Two dates does not equal “dating”. These people are not in a relationship and not a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely go. Funerals are for everyone to pay respect to the deceased and support family members. You do not need an invitation for going for it because it is not a family Christmas party.

Go. Be unobtrusive. Pay your respects. Send flowers, write a condolence card. Don't introduce yourself as anything but a friend. Maybe give a hug to the person and then leave. This is a kind and humane thing to do - and has nothing to do with what your relationship is.

um she is a STRANGER. My grandmother is about to die, and I'd be suuuuper weirded out if someone I met twice, or barely knew, came to the funeral or wake. you have no idea what the situation is - maybe there will be only a small number of people. Send flowers. Do not go to this funeral, not unless you make it a practice to go to funerals of family members of people you have met twice.

All I can say is that if you get offended if someone you do not know well attends your grandmother funeral, then your upbringing has been seriously lacking in basic etiquettes.

It is never wrong to attend funerals for a short while and support people. Even you know them in a very peripheral manner - it is never overstepping if you attend the funeral for a short while. It is a very gracious thing to do. It is an occasion of sorrow and you have to be somewhat less than human to not show your humanity.

People are private; funerals are family events. If someone who is my GRANDMOTHER's acquaintance shows up -- perfectly fine. If a dude (who I didn't invited) who I had been on two dates with showed up -- totally creepy. If said dude sent me flowers or baked goods -- A+++.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he asked you to go? If so, go for sure.

If not, I agree - show up sit in the back, pay your respects and leave. Don't tell anyone you are dating him.

He told me when the funeral is. He didn’t ask me to go,

He just lost his mother... he can’t handle navigating the awkwardness of inviting you to the funeral. I agree with all who’ve said to go and sit in the back. FWIW, anytime you can show up at a funeral you should. Even if you just wanted to be friends, it’s nice to go. Don’t overthink this one!

Go, sit in the back, if you get a chance give him a hug and then leave. Don’t hang around because you won’t want to intrude on his family. Be there for him, but definitely don’t take center stage. Don’t introduce yourself as his girlfriend either - he doesn’t need that kind of pressure - if anyone asks say you’re a friend.

+1 Best advice on this ridiculous thread.

[Anonymous]

I vote no - I would not want someone I just met to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely go. Funerals are for everyone to pay respect to the deceased and support family members. You do not need an invitation for going for it because it is not a family Christmas party.

Go. Be unobtrusive. Pay your respects. Send flowers, write a condolence card. Don't introduce yourself as anything but a friend. Maybe give a hug to the person and then leave. This is a kind and humane thing to do - and has nothing to do with what your relationship is.

um she is a STRANGER. My grandmother is about to die, and I'd be suuuuper weirded out if someone I met twice, or barely knew, came to the funeral or wake. you have no idea what the situation is - maybe there will be only a small number of people. Send flowers. Do not go to this funeral, not unless you make it a practice to go to funerals of family members of people you have met twice.

All I can say is that if you get offended if someone you do not know well attends your grandmother funeral, then your upbringing has been seriously lacking in basic etiquettes.

It is never wrong to attend funerals for a short while and support people. Even you know them in a very peripheral manner - it is never overstepping if you attend the funeral for a short while. It is a very gracious thing to do. It is an occasion of sorrow and you have to be somewhat less than human to not show your humanity.

People are private; funerals are family events. If someone who is my GRANDMOTHER's acquaintance shows up -- perfectly fine. If a dude (who I didn't invited) who I had been on two dates with showed up -- totally creepy. If said dude sent me flowers or baked goods -- A+++.

Oh and by the way, thanks for schooling me that my grandmother's funeral is my chance to show my "humanity" to randos! And also that I lack basic etiquette. WTF. Funerals are for families to honor the dead. Most people don't want random people WHO DID NOT EVEN KNOW THE DECEASED showing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send flowers.

That would be weirder than stopping by to pay respects.

[Anonymous]

So like many other etiquette questions ... I think the answer here is: OP is free to go and hope that it's not taken badly. But I think OP has the clear answer here that SOME (many?) people would take it badly. Just because OP and her (ditzy) supporters think going to a funeral is a great way to get a 3rd date does not mean that this guy will. So really, it's OP's choice to do what she wants, but she has to bear the risk of seeming stalkery/inappropriate/invasive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send flowers.

That would be weirder than stopping by to pay respects.

Really? Why? I mean send flowers or bring them to the guy, not to the funeral home. Agree that it would be beyond weird to send to funeral home. I'm not a big gender roles person so I'd send a masculine arrangement, but if you think flowers are never for guys, then cookies or brownies.

[Anonymous]

No, I think it's too personal. Send a card.

[Anonymous]

Go, be unobtrusive, say “hello/I’m so sorry@ to your potential man, and don’t hang around afterwards with the weeping relatives. In and out of there like a precision strike.