Should I go to his mother’s funeral?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well now I’m more confused than when I posted the question, but I’m leaning towards going. I’ve gone to funerals where I’m not close to anyone mostly for work so different circumstances, but I think the sentiment is the same.

Did he actually invite you? I'm guessing that for your work colleagues, the office got a general notice or invitation.

He told her the details of the service which to me is an invitation to attend. You are never wrong to attend a funeral. Signed someone who has lost too many people to count. I am forever grateful to those friends AND acquaintances who showed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well now I’m more confused than when I posted the question, but I’m leaning towards going. I’ve gone to funerals where I’m not close to anyone mostly for work so different circumstances, but I think the sentiment is the same.

Did he actually invite you? I'm guessing that for your work colleagues, the office got a general notice or invitation.

He told her the details of the service which to me is an invitation to attend. You are never wrong to attend a funeral. Signed someone who has lost too many people to count. I am forever grateful to those friends AND acquaintances who showed up.

This this this.

All you has to do is go through the receiving line, say I'm sorry, and then skedaddle.

The only funerals I regret are the ones I didn't go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go, but be COMPLETELY unobtrusive. Don't say anthing to anyone other than "we're friends."

This. And find your own way there and home again. Don't dominate his time, just pay your respects and excuse yourself. Loiter awkwardly for as long as you can.

I had a friend in this situation. She'd just started dating her bf and his dad died. She wasn't sure about the funeral because they were still getting to know each other. She went, the guy was beyond touched she made the effort. Now they are married and incredibly happy.

Go, say you are a friend, pay your respects, say you are so sorry, leave.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it really depends. I can understand how it's awkward to ask "do you want me to go" to a guy that just lost his mother.

If he gave you the wedding details, including time and place, then that does sound like an invitation. You might, if possible, talk to him and gently sound as if you are making plans to attend, but then ask him if he is OK with that. Basically, start with the assumption that he wants you to attend and then give him the opportunity to react to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well now I’m more confused than when I posted the question, but I’m leaning towards going. I’ve gone to funerals where I’m not close to anyone mostly for work so different circumstances, but I think the sentiment is the same.

Did he actually invite you? I'm guessing that for your work colleagues, the office got a general notice or invitation.

He told her the details of the service which to me is an invitation to attend. You are never wrong to attend a funeral. Signed someone who has lost too many people to count. I am forever grateful to those friends AND acquaintances who showed up.

This this this.

All you has to do is go through the receiving line, say I'm sorry, and then skedaddle.

The only funerals I regret are the ones I didn't go to.

No. You have no idea how this actually went down. Maybe this guy has already decided there would be no 3rd date, and just offhandedly told OP where the funeral would be in response to pushy texts. OP has no role at this funeral and should not go. It's much more likely to be recieved as weird or unwelcome or stressful to him, than it is to be helpful. Even if it's helpful, it's likely to be so minimal that it's not worth it. Frankly, OP appears to just be seeking this guy's attention, which is NOT what she should be doing. If she truly wanted to express condolences, there are a million ways to do that without being intrusive and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well now I’m more confused than when I posted the question, but I’m leaning towards going. I’ve gone to funerals where I’m not close to anyone mostly for work so different circumstances, but I think the sentiment is the same.

Did he actually invite you? I'm guessing that for your work colleagues, the office got a general notice or invitation.

He told her the details of the service which to me is an invitation to attend. You are never wrong to attend a funeral. Signed someone who has lost too many people to count. I am forever grateful to those friends AND acquaintances who showed up.

This this this.

All you has to do is go through the receiving line, say I'm sorry, and then skedaddle.

The only funerals I regret are the ones I didn't go to.

Really? Because there a million funerals every day of people you don't know, or are just barely an acquaintance of their relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it really depends. I can understand how it's awkward to ask "do you want me to go" to a guy that just lost his mother.

If he gave you the wedding details, including time and place, then that does sound like an invitation. You might, if possible, talk to him and gently sound as if you are making plans to attend, but then ask him if he is OK with that. Basically, start with the assumption that he wants you to attend and then give him the opportunity to react to it.

Rarely are we in the position of talking about men's emotional labor, but I think this is a great example. Do NOT burden this guy who just unexpectedly lost his mother with such an awkward conversation as having to tell a rando internet date not to come to his MOTHER'S funeral. He doesn't need it. He'll either barely notice she's there, or he'll be weirded out by it. Send flowers or offer to take him to dinner. That's enough. She doesn't know him, or his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go if you want a long term relationship.

Don't go if you want it to just fizzle out.

People have one mother and their mother's death is traumatic. You'll always be the person who couldn't be bothered to show if you miss it. He won't forget.

OP has been on 2 dates with him and he hasn't asked her to come to the funeral. She should not go. She can offer and let him decide, but I'd think she was a bit psycho if she just showed up after 2 dates.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. I lost my father last month. I assume everyone (strangers, acquaintances, etc.) who showed up at his funeral had well-intention, and I'm grateful that they did.

Go, and sit on the back like others said. Even if it doesn't work out, he'll be touched and will remember you forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well now I’m more confused than when I posted the question, but I’m leaning towards going. I’ve gone to funerals where I’m not close to anyone mostly for work so different circumstances, but I think the sentiment is the same.

Ask him. Just say you're here for him and will go with him, but understand if he'd prefer to have you not attend because it will be too hectic, emotional, personal. Do not just show up. He didn't ask you to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well now I’m more confused than when I posted the question, but I’m leaning towards going. I’ve gone to funerals where I’m not close to anyone mostly for work so different circumstances, but I think the sentiment is the same.

Did he actually invite you? I'm guessing that for your work colleagues, the office got a general notice or invitation.

He told her the details of the service which to me is an invitation to attend. You are never wrong to attend a funeral. Signed someone who has lost too many people to count. I am forever grateful to those friends AND acquaintances who showed up.

Agree with this. Sit in the back.

[Anonymous]

Always go to the funeral. I am divorced from my ex because he parents didn't have the decency to attend my sibling's funeral.

You don't have to make a big deal about it. Just sit in the back, but if this relationship progresses, then you will feel better having gone and learning more about his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I lost my father last month. I assume everyone (strangers, acquaintances, etc.) who showed up at his funeral had well-intention, and I'm grateful that they did.

Go, and sit on the back like others said. Even if it doesn't work out, he'll be touched and will remember you forever.

+1

I can’t imagine being offended because a woman I dated a couple of times showed up at my mother’s funeral. I would most likely think it was sweet and supportive. Worst case scenario would be that I might feel like “oh... you didn’t have to do that” but I wouldn’t be offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always go to the funeral. I am divorced from my ex because he parents didn't have the decency to attend my sibling's funeral.

You don't have to make a big deal about it. Just sit in the back, but if this relationship progresses, then you will feel better having gone and learning more about his mom.

You divorced your husband because his parents didn’t show up to a sibling’s funeral?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, i am so sorry to hear about your mother. I am here to support you. I know we don’t know each other well and I know this is a little awkward, but I am here for you if you need anything. With most of my friends, I would normally stop by calling hours or the funeral...I don’t know how you feel about that.

Maybe not those exact words, but the point is to communicate.

This is great advice.