Husband made plans without me Thanksgiving morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you "just let the guy enjoy himself" have any idea what goes into a Thanksgiving dinner??? Do you expect to actually eat that day?

Doesn't dinner just show up on the table?

It seems it must in some houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live on a golf course and ours is closed on Thanksgiving Day. so he is lying and doing something else (with whom?) or was just trying to get out of hanging with those people.

And yeah, just order from Safeway or Whole Foods.

They are open where we live.

[Anonymous]

Was he supposed to help with dinner? If so, tell him you still need that. In my house my DH would not be helping much, maybe at the last minute. He would get in the way more than anything so if I agreed to host, whether it be my people or his people, both of our expectations would be that I’m preparing it. If he wasn’t supposed to help, why did you need a consultation? Also, yes, him expecting a consultation on every little thing is ridiculous too. Both of you sound needlessly controlling to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he supposed to help with dinner? If so, tell him you still need that. In my house my DH would not be helping much, maybe at the last minute. He would get in the way more than anything so if I agreed to host, whether it be my people or his people, both of our expectations would be that I’m preparing it. If he wasn’t supposed to help, why did you need a consultation? Also, yes, him expecting a consultation on every little thing is ridiculous too. Both of you sound needlessly controlling to me.

OP here. We have done this for 10+ years. Probably 12. We do an activity together which changes based on where we live or what the weather will be. But always out together/with the kid, and then home to prep the meal with me doing most, but yes, he has in the past done quite a bit of chopping, peeling, etc. I'm not sure why you are assuming he never helped. I don't see how that's controlling for me to be consulted when he takes himself out of that equation and also leaves me on a holiday we always start the day with together?

I mean, hell, at this point, message received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

+100. Part of why you run plans by each other is to avoid scheduling conflicts and to not leave your partner holding the bag. My DH is the main cook in the family and I can’t imagine any world in which he is doing all the holiday prep for my family while I am gone all morning without the kids for plans we didn’t discuss ahead of time. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

OP here. I agree with this. The problem is that one set of plans was discussed and agreed upon (having his friends over) and one wasn't (him checking out the entire morning). So I'm in a fix. They shouldn't be treated to a crappy dinner because my husband is a jerk.

But I have no intention of martyring myself. I guess I'm not presenting myself well - when I say "guess I'll be prepping myself" I'm being slightly sarcastic because that's totally what he thinks/expects. But I'll present him with a list of things he has to do, or else cancel on them I guess. I won't actually do the whole thing myself.

And to another PP. We live on a golf course. He plays all the time. It's not "one day of fun." It's all the time for him, and I couldn't care less the other days.

OK, thanks all.

You're not "in a fix."

Open your mouth, tell him that you do not intend to slave away while he golfs for his friends, and if he wants you to assist with entertaining his friends, he'd better sit down with you and divide up the labor. Or else he can call his friends and cancel. His choice. Not your "fix," not your problem.

If he can get his items done before or after the golf outing, fan-flipping-tastic. But you are not doing 100% of the work while he swans around on a golf course. The only fix you need to contend with is fixing your mouth to tell him "Hell to the no."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

+100. Part of why you run plans by each other is to avoid scheduling conflicts and to not leave your partner holding the bag. My DH is the main cook in the family and I can’t imagine any world in which he is doing all the holiday prep for my family while I am gone all morning without the kids for plans we didn’t discuss ahead of time. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

OP here. I agree with this. The problem is that one set of plans was discussed and agreed upon (having his friends over) and one wasn't (him checking out the entire morning). So I'm in a fix. They shouldn't be treated to a crappy dinner because my husband is a jerk.

But I have no intention of martyring myself. I guess I'm not presenting myself well - when I say "guess I'll be prepping myself" I'm being slightly sarcastic because that's totally what he thinks/expects. But I'll present him with a list of things he has to do, or else cancel on them I guess. I won't actually do the whole thing myself.

And to another PP. We live on a golf course. He plays all the time. It's not "one day of fun." It's all the time for him, and I couldn't care less the other days.

OK, thanks all.

You're not "in a fix."

Open your mouth, tell him that you do not intend to slave away while he golfs for his friends, and if he wants you to assist with entertaining his friends, he'd better sit down with you and divide up the labor. Or else he can call his friends and cancel. His choice. Not your "fix," not your problem.

If he can get his items done before or after the golf outing, fan-flipping-tastic. But you are not doing 100% of the work while he swans around on a golf course. The only fix you need to contend with is fixing your mouth to tell him "Hell to the no."

Of course I can say hell to the no. But more importantly (to me) I'm hurt he's choosing to do this. Breaking tradition without so much as a heads up, like I'm so disposable, and something better came up. That may sound controlling I guess to some, but this is just downright hurtful. Everyone telling me to just say no and grow a spine and grow up - I'm finding it hard to believe that it wouldn't hurt your feelings if your spouse just decided to do something else that day. Without you. Sorry, but I care about that more than the actual dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he supposed to help with dinner? If so, tell him you still need that. In my house my DH would not be helping much, maybe at the last minute. He would get in the way more than anything so if I agreed to host, whether it be my people or his people, both of our expectations would be that I’m preparing it. If he wasn’t supposed to help, why did you need a consultation? Also, yes, him expecting a consultation on every little thing is ridiculous too. Both of you sound needlessly controlling to me.

OP here. We have done this for 10+ years. Probably 12. We do an activity together which changes based on where we live or what the weather will be. But always out together/with the kid, and then home to prep the meal with me doing most, but yes, he has in the past done quite a bit of chopping, peeling, etc. I'm not sure why you are assuming he never helped. I don't see how that's controlling for me to be consulted when he takes himself out of that equation and also leaves me on a holiday we always start the day with together?

I mean, hell, at this point, message received.

I did not assume he didn’t help. I told you that if he normally helps, tell him you still need his help. I do think you are reading way more into him choosing to golf the. Is necessary. It doesn’t mean you aren’t wanted or valued or whatever else you are thinking. He’s just thinking of it as a day off with a big dinner, no big deal (in his mind). Just tell him what you want and see what he says. Ask him to golf over the weekend instead. It really sounds like you are blowing it out of proportion when it doesn’t need to be that. Remind him you guys have a tradition and ask him nicely to keep it going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most guys do something that mirn

What I believe you are trying so eloquently to say is that we need to go back to the 1950s and she should just be happy he isn't underfoot while she spends the day in the kitchen.

What I'm saying is that it is good for men and women to bond with friends and this is a common day for men to do that.

A common day for women to do that is Monday-Sunday, 365.

This is so true! As soon as my husband heads off to his big job in the city, I have the girls over for a coffee and cigarette most days. It’s just a handy break for us— you know how busy ladies are, what with cooking, cleaning and laundry! I love that our men get to bond on Thanksgiving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

+100. Part of why you run plans by each other is to avoid scheduling conflicts and to not leave your partner holding the bag. My DH is the main cook in the family and I can’t imagine any world in which he is doing all the holiday prep for my family while I am gone all morning without the kids for plans we didn’t discuss ahead of time. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

OP here. I agree with this. The problem is that one set of plans was discussed and agreed upon (having his friends over) and one wasn't (him checking out the entire morning). So I'm in a fix. They shouldn't be treated to a crappy dinner because my husband is a jerk.

But I have no intention of martyring myself. I guess I'm not presenting myself well - when I say "guess I'll be prepping myself" I'm being slightly sarcastic because that's totally what he thinks/expects. But I'll present him with a list of things he has to do, or else cancel on them I guess. I won't actually do the whole thing myself.

And to another PP. We live on a golf course. He plays all the time. It's not "one day of fun." It's all the time for him, and I couldn't care less the other days.

OK, thanks all.

You're not "in a fix."

Open your mouth, tell him that you do not intend to slave away while he golfs for his friends, and if he wants you to assist with entertaining his friends, he'd better sit down with you and divide up the labor. Or else he can call his friends and cancel. His choice. Not your "fix," not your problem.

If he can get his items done before or after the golf outing, fan-flipping-tastic. But you are not doing 100% of the work while he swans around on a golf course. The only fix you need to contend with is fixing your mouth to tell him "Hell to the no."

Of course I can say hell to the no. But more importantly (to me) I'm hurt he's choosing to do this. Breaking tradition without so much as a heads up, like I'm so disposable, and something better came up. That may sound controlling I guess to some, but this is just downright hurtful. Everyone telling me to just say no and grow a spine and grow up - I'm finding it hard to believe that it wouldn't hurt your feelings if your spouse just decided to do something else that day. Without you. Sorry, but I care about that more than the actual dinner.

I wouldn't have been hurt because it wouldn't have actually happened--in that he would have SAID "I can't do the bike ride, I'm going golfing all day while you cook dinner for my fri--" and then the loud sound of my peals of laughter and deep guffaws would have cut him off.

Somehow, your husband walked away thinking it was OK for him to golf while you cooked solo for his friends. I wouldn't have been hurt, because that never would have been "settled" with us.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the holidays you have left with him. I foresee you having many solo Thanksgivings in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

+100. Part of why you run plans by each other is to avoid scheduling conflicts and to not leave your partner holding the bag. My DH is the main cook in the family and I can’t imagine any world in which he is doing all the holiday prep for my family while I am gone all morning without the kids for plans we didn’t discuss ahead of time. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

OP here. I agree with this. The problem is that one set of plans was discussed and agreed upon (having his friends over) and one wasn't (him checking out the entire morning). So I'm in a fix. They shouldn't be treated to a crappy dinner because my husband is a jerk.

But I have no intention of martyring myself. I guess I'm not presenting myself well - when I say "guess I'll be prepping myself" I'm being slightly sarcastic because that's totally what he thinks/expects. But I'll present him with a list of things he has to do, or else cancel on them I guess. I won't actually do the whole thing myself.

And to another PP. We live on a golf course. He plays all the time. It's not "one day of fun." It's all the time for him, and I couldn't care less the other days.

OK, thanks all.

You're not "in a fix."

Open your mouth, tell him that you do not intend to slave away while he golfs for his friends, and if he wants you to assist with entertaining his friends, he'd better sit down with you and divide up the labor. Or else he can call his friends and cancel. His choice. Not your "fix," not your problem.

If he can get his items done before or after the golf outing, fan-flipping-tastic. But you are not doing 100% of the work while he swans around on a golf course. The only fix you need to contend with is fixing your mouth to tell him "Hell to the no."

Of course I can say hell to the no. But more importantly (to me) I'm hurt he's choosing to do this. Breaking tradition without so much as a heads up, like I'm so disposable, and something better came up. That may sound controlling I guess to some, but this is just downright hurtful. Everyone telling me to just say no and grow a spine and grow up - I'm finding it hard to believe that it wouldn't hurt your feelings if your spouse just decided to do something else that day. Without you. Sorry, but I care about that more than the actual dinner.

You sound like a teenager. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

+100. Part of why you run plans by each other is to avoid scheduling conflicts and to not leave your partner holding the bag. My DH is the main cook in the family and I can’t imagine any world in which he is doing all the holiday prep for my family while I am gone all morning without the kids for plans we didn’t discuss ahead of time. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

OP here. I agree with this. The problem is that one set of plans was discussed and agreed upon (having his friends over) and one wasn't (him checking out the entire morning). So I'm in a fix. They shouldn't be treated to a crappy dinner because my husband is a jerk.

But I have no intention of martyring myself. I guess I'm not presenting myself well - when I say "guess I'll be prepping myself" I'm being slightly sarcastic because that's totally what he thinks/expects. But I'll present him with a list of things he has to do, or else cancel on them I guess. I won't actually do the whole thing myself.

And to another PP. We live on a golf course. He plays all the time. It's not "one day of fun." It's all the time for him, and I couldn't care less the other days.

OK, thanks all.

You're not "in a fix."

Open your mouth, tell him that you do not intend to slave away while he golfs for his friends, and if he wants you to assist with entertaining his friends, he'd better sit down with you and divide up the labor. Or else he can call his friends and cancel. His choice. Not your "fix," not your problem.

If he can get his items done before or after the golf outing, fan-flipping-tastic. But you are not doing 100% of the work while he swans around on a golf course. The only fix you need to contend with is fixing your mouth to tell him "Hell to the no."

Of course I can say hell to the no. But more importantly (to me) I'm hurt he's choosing to do this. Breaking tradition without so much as a heads up, like I'm so disposable, and something better came up. That may sound controlling I guess to some, but this is just downright hurtful. Everyone telling me to just say no and grow a spine and grow up - I'm finding it hard to believe that it wouldn't hurt your feelings if your spouse just decided to do something else that day. Without you. Sorry, but I care about that more than the actual dinner.

You need to tell him this, Op. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. Your husband was thoughtless to plan the day the way he did w/o even discussing it with you. You need to tell him how badly this makes you feel and ask that he be more considerate of you next time.

The people who are giving you a hard time about this probably don't value spending time with their own spouses.

[Anonymous]

^^^^i love spending time with my spouse but meither of us would have a meltdown because the other wanted to golf with friends instead of doing a group bike ride they were apparently supposed to know about via extrasensory perception.

Guaranteed OP’s “tradition” is simply thought of as “we never do anything except maybe go for a walk so maybe I can use this day off to see my friends I don’t usually get to spend time with”

But instead OP is giving him some kind of pseudo-test he failed. She never even mentions the kid. The kid is like a non issue in all of this. It’s just her, her, her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy the holidays you have left with him. I foresee you having many solo Thanksgivings in the future.

Oh, shut up.


OP, it sounds like you and your DH have a good thing. It’s one year of broken tradition. Don’t let it break you. Yes, it is normal to feel hurt when someone you love spending time with doesn’t want to spend time with you. After 12 years, it’s very sweet to feel this way. Other posters may not be able to relate to that.
Take the high road, but at some point, you do need to let him know you were disappointed that he changed up. But this is life, and you’re in it together, and I’d you both love each other, you will both embrace each other’s changing needs too... Roll with it. Maybe you guys can set s new pattern and alternate years of the old way vs. a new way.

You still have many more thanksgivings ahead of you to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^^i love spending time with my spouse but meither of us would have a meltdown because the other wanted to golf with friends instead of doing a group bike ride they were apparently supposed to know about via extrasensory perception.

Guaranteed OP’s “tradition” is simply thought of as “we never do anything except maybe go for a walk so maybe I can use this day off to see my friends I don’t usually get to spend time with”

But instead OP is giving him some kind of pseudo-test he failed. She never even mentions the kid. The kid is like a non issue in all of this. It’s just her, her, her.

Generally it's a good idea to run things like this by your spouse on a holiday. Op asked her husband if he would like to do the bike ride with her and that is when she found out that he had made plans that she was not a part of.

Maybe you don't care if your spouse does his own thing during the holidays but I can totally see why Op was looking forward to spending the day with her husband whether they went on the bike ride or did something else together. Op is not biotching that her husband did not want to go on the bike ride, she is upset because her husband has essentially planned to do things with his buddies on a day that they have always enjoyed some time together as a couple. The fact that Op then has to host this group of her husband's friends only rubs salt in the wound.

I get why Op is upset.