Husband made plans without me Thanksgiving morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

+100. Part of why you run plans by each other is to avoid scheduling conflicts and to not leave your partner holding the bag. My DH is the main cook in the family and I can’t imagine any world in which he is doing all the holiday prep for my family while I am gone all morning without the kids for plans we didn’t discuss ahead of time. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

OP here. I agree with this. The problem is that one set of plans was discussed and agreed upon (having his friends over) and one wasn't (him checking out the entire morning). So I'm in a fix. They shouldn't be treated to a crappy dinner because my husband is a jerk.

But I have no intention of martyring myself. I guess I'm not presenting myself well - when I say "guess I'll be prepping myself" I'm being slightly sarcastic because that's totally what he thinks/expects. But I'll present him with a list of things he has to do, or else cancel on them I guess. I won't actually do the whole thing myself.

And to another PP. We live on a golf course. He plays all the time. It's not "one day of fun." It's all the time for him, and I couldn't care less the other days.

OK, thanks all.

You're not "in a fix."

Open your mouth, tell him that you do not intend to slave away while he golfs for his friends, and if he wants you to assist with entertaining his friends, he'd better sit down with you and divide up the labor. Or else he can call his friends and cancel. His choice. Not your "fix," not your problem.

If he can get his items done before or after the golf outing, fan-flipping-tastic. But you are not doing 100% of the work while he swans around on a golf course. The only fix you need to contend with is fixing your mouth to tell him "Hell to the no."

Of course I can say hell to the no. But more importantly (to me) I'm hurt he's choosing to do this. Breaking tradition without so much as a heads up, like I'm so disposable, and something better came up. That may sound controlling I guess to some, but this is just downright hurtful. Everyone telling me to just say no and grow a spine and grow up - I'm finding it hard to believe that it wouldn't hurt your feelings if your spouse just decided to do something else that day. Without you. Sorry, but I care about that more than the actual dinner.

You need to tell him this, Op. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. Your husband was thoughtless to plan the day the way he did w/o even discussing it with you. You need to tell him how badly this makes you feel and ask that he be more considerate of you next time.

The people who are giving you a hard time about this probably don't value spending time with their own spouses.

Oh, I do value spending time with my husband...especially as he would never do something as selfish and rude as what OP's husband is doing, sorry.

It's just that IF my husband were ever to try something that selfish and rude, I would not be handing out hall passes for bad behavior. Again, some more, somehow OP's husband walked away from that conversation thinking that he would be golfing while wifey would be cooking. (And here OP is, mush-mouthing about "guess I'm cooking by myself now!") Nope. My husband would have known *right quick* that there is a zero percent chance of him golfing while I cooked a feast for HIS friends.

We may not have come to an agreement, but for damn sure he would not have been under the false impression that he was golfing and I was cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^^i love spending time with my spouse but meither of us would have a meltdown because the other wanted to golf with friends instead of doing a group bike ride they were apparently supposed to know about via extrasensory perception.

Guaranteed OP’s “tradition” is simply thought of as “we never do anything except maybe go for a walk so maybe I can use this day off to see my friends I don’t usually get to spend time with”

But instead OP is giving him some kind of pseudo-test he failed. She never even mentions the kid. The kid is like a non issue in all of this. It’s just her, her, her.

Oh, she does. She referrs to him as "the kid."

I mean...

[Anonymous]

So I'm either a doormat for "letting" this happen, despite it being anything that's settled and he knows I'm pissed, so how exactly did he walk away thinking things were settled? He didn't. We're fighting about it. It's kinda what the fight is about. So not sure where you're getting that. Not to mention, this is the same board where I routinely see you don't "let" grown men and women do anything. Right?

Or on the other side I'm an immature whiner and need to grow up and be a wifey and let the man have his fun one day a year, despite the fact that we live on a golf course and he golfs consistently.

So which is it? I'm a child who needs to grow up or a doormat for "letting" this happen?

Oh, and this is a disagreement between my husband and me. Doesn't involve our kid, so PP insinuating I don't give a crap about my kid can go to hell.

I will agree one thing I'm an idiot about - posting here.

Enjoy your holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I'm either a doormat for "letting" this happen, despite it being anything that's settled and he knows I'm pissed, so how exactly did he walk away thinking things were settled? He didn't. We're fighting about it. It's kinda what the fight is about. So not sure where you're getting that. Not to mention, this is the same board where I routinely see you don't "let" grown men and women do anything. Right?

Or on the other side I'm an immature whiner and need to grow up and be a wifey and let the man have his fun one day a year, despite the fact that we live on a golf course and he golfs consistently.

So which is it? I'm a child who needs to grow up or a doormat for "letting" this happen?

Oh, and this is a disagreement between my husband and me. Doesn't involve our kid, so PP insinuating I don't give a crap about my kid can go to hell.

I will agree one thing I'm an idiot about - posting here.

Enjoy your holidays.

We're getting it from YOU--from your martyr-y little comments about "now I'm cooking dinner for his friends." So that's where we're getting it. From. You.

You're a doormat, based on those comments and the fact that apparently someone who you do not want to be living in your house is still, in fact, living in your house. Move into a hotel until she's gone. Leave your husband to deal with your child and your household solo. I guarantee she'll be out in a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I'm either a doormat for "letting" this happen, despite it being anything that's settled and he knows I'm pissed, so how exactly did he walk away thinking things were settled? He didn't. We're fighting about it. It's kinda what the fight is about. So not sure where you're getting that. Not to mention, this is the same board where I routinely see you don't "let" grown men and women do anything. Right?

Or on the other side I'm an immature whiner and need to grow up and be a wifey and let the man have his fun one day a year, despite the fact that we live on a golf course and he golfs consistently.

So which is it? I'm a child who needs to grow up or a doormat for "letting" this happen?

Oh, and this is a disagreement between my husband and me. Doesn't involve our kid, so PP insinuating I don't give a crap about my kid can go to hell.

I will agree one thing I'm an idiot about - posting here.

Enjoy your holidays.

We're getting it from YOU--from your martyr-y little comments about "now I'm cooking dinner for his friends." So that's where we're getting it. From. You.

You're a doormat, based on those comments and the fact that apparently someone who you do not want to be living in your house is still, in fact, living in your house. Move into a hotel until she's gone. Leave your husband to deal with your child and your household solo. I guarantee she'll be out in a week.

I think you might be confusing Op with the poster who has her husband's cousin azz planted at her house and is feeling resentful that her husband now expects her to host Thanksgiving for his extended family? I don't think they are the same poster but I may be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I'm either a doormat for "letting" this happen, despite it being anything that's settled and he knows I'm pissed, so how exactly did he walk away thinking things were settled? He didn't. We're fighting about it. It's kinda what the fight is about. So not sure where you're getting that. Not to mention, this is the same board where I routinely see you don't "let" grown men and women do anything. Right?

Or on the other side I'm an immature whiner and need to grow up and be a wifey and let the man have his fun one day a year, despite the fact that we live on a golf course and he golfs consistently.

So which is it? I'm a child who needs to grow up or a doormat for "letting" this happen?

Oh, and this is a disagreement between my husband and me. Doesn't involve our kid, so PP insinuating I don't give a crap about my kid can go to hell.

I will agree one thing I'm an idiot about - posting here.

Enjoy your holidays.

We're getting it from YOU--from your martyr-y little comments about "now I'm cooking dinner for his friends." So that's where we're getting it. From. You.

You're a doormat, based on those comments and the fact that apparently someone who you do not want to be living in your house is still, in fact, living in your house. Move into a hotel until she's gone. Leave your husband to deal with your child and your household solo. I guarantee she'll be out in a week.

Huh? Not me. But again, enjoy your holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - tell him exactly what you just told us. You are disappointed because you had looked forward to spending Thanksgiving morning doing something special together - just the two of you. You are sad that he didn't think to discuss these golf plans with you before he made them because you really love spending the holidays with him.

Ask him to please run this stuff by you in the future.

+1

Also listen to whatever he has to say. Maybe there is a reason he changed the usual Tday plan? Feeling the need to make new friends? Someone teased him into it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds douchey tbh.

It’s hard when you suddenly realize that you don’t actually mean that much to your mate, that you were just ‘there’ for the previous events and no one else was. We’re you always bragging about how great your relationship was to your female friends? But now it doesn’t seem like that’s the case? Hmmmm.
Men are fickle idiots who often don’t seem to appreciate what they’ve got.

[Anonymous]

Dumb move on his part but I wouldn't get bent out of shape. Take the bike ride or hope for a downpour.

[Anonymous]

don't have kids with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised at some of the responses. It's not that I "care" per se that he has plans. We certainly do separate things all the time with our friends. We've just never in all our years of marriage unilaterally decided one of us was heading out for hours on a holiday morning. He got mad at me when I showed surprised, then anger, that he never even thought to check in with me. To me, that's just common courtesy. For the record, I would have said, of course, go ahead. But I was never even consulted when he chides me all the time for way lesser (i.e. RSVPing our daughter for a birthday party she's invited to. Yes, he expects to "consulted" on those.)

And yes, PP. We are hosting. His friends. Which I will now be prepping by myself apparently.

No you aren’t. You CAN’T do that. Even his friends will think you a weird doormat if they come in from golfing to a meal prepared by the woman who didn’t get to go golfing and instead stayed home with the kid - cooking. Tell your husband to pick out a restaurant and be done with it.

Honestly if my husband had ever told me that he was going to go golfing with his buds while I was cooking for the whole party I would have had a locksmith come over to change the locks to lock his azz out. And that would be me showing restraint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dumb move on his part but I wouldn't get bent out of shape. Take the bike ride or hope for a downpour.

Dumb doormat move...

[Anonymous]

Was it more like "sorry, babe, I meant to tell you earlier, but i forgot Joe texted me and confirmed a 9am tee time. You were out shoe shopping at the time and it slipped my mind until now. We will be done no later than 1pm so I'll be back in plenty of time to prep dinner".

[Anonymous]

Are you the same Op who nagged her Dh about picking up a buffet by 11am on a Sunday morn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, allow your man one day of golf without being a nag. Go buy the whole damn meal at Honey Baked Ham and quit being a martyr. Be happy he's had half a day for himself, and he'll come home more psyched for the together time, but making him feel guilty will have the opposite effect.

Very Stepford Wife of you..