Husband made plans without me Thanksgiving morning

[Anonymous]

Op - tell him exactly what you just told us. You are disappointed because you had looked forward to spending Thanksgiving morning doing something special together - just the two of you. You are sad that he didn't think to discuss these golf plans with you before he made them because you really love spending the holidays with him.

Ask him to please run this stuff by you in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised at some of the responses. It's not that I "care" per se that he has plans. We certainly do separate things all the time with our friends. We've just never in all our years of marriage unilaterally decided one of us was heading out for hours on a holiday morning. He got mad at me when I showed surprised, then anger, that he never even thought to check in with me. To me, that's just common courtesy. For the record, I would have said, of course, go ahead. But I was never even consulted when he chides me all the time for way lesser (i.e. RSVPing our daughter for a birthday party she's invited to. Yes, he expects to "consulted" on those.)

And yes, PP. We are hosting. His friends. Which I will now be prepping by myself apparently.

You’re full of crap. You literally said you wanted to go on this group bike ride. So which is it—bike ride or slaving away in the kitchen? Did you change the narrative for sympathy votes since the consensus is you’re nuts?

Um, what's with the anger? I asked him to come WITH ME to the bike ride, which is at 8 am, done no later than 9:30. Then we'd both come home and tackle TDay dinner TOGETHER. It's what we've done for 10+ years. Now, his plans take him out of being able to help at all. That's what I'm mad at. Sure, I can do a bike ride by myself with the group, but that wasn't the point. We've always done these TDay activities TOGETHER. I haven't changed anything. Thought that was clear, that we always did these activities TOGETHER. But what will happen, even if I ride and am home by 9:30, I'm still tackling dinner by myself because HE'LL BE GONE. What is so hard to understand here? I don't get these misogynistic "wifey" "which is it" snide remarks. But no, I'm not new here so I shoudln't be surprised.

You need to not do this. Talk to him, now, about how you're going to prep dinner TOGETHER even taking into account his plans.

But I also think you have every right to be mad. Deal with that, but heaping on the resentment as you propose to do will make things much worse.

[Anonymous]

Where will your kids be while he’s golfing and you’re bike riding?

[Anonymous]

The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a complete loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised at some of the responses. It's not that I "care" per se that he has plans. We certainly do separate things all the time with our friends. We've just never in all our years of marriage unilaterally decided one of us was heading out for hours on a holiday morning. He got mad at me when I showed surprised, then anger, that he never even thought to check in with me. To me, that's just common courtesy. For the record, I would have said, of course, go ahead. But I was never even consulted when he chides me all the time for way lesser (i.e. RSVPing our daughter for a birthday party she's invited to. Yes, he expects to "consulted" on those.)

And yes, PP. We are hosting. His friends. Which I will now be prepping by myself apparently.

You’re full of crap. You literally said you wanted to go on this group bike ride. So which is it—bike ride or slaving away in the kitchen? Did you change the narrative for sympathy votes since the consensus is you’re nuts?

Um, what's with the anger? I asked him to come WITH ME to the bike ride, which is at 8 am, done no later than 9:30. Then we'd both come home and tackle TDay dinner TOGETHER. It's what we've done for 10+ years. Now, his plans take him out of being able to help at all. That's what I'm mad at. Sure, I can do a bike ride by myself with the group, but that wasn't the point. We've always done these TDay activities TOGETHER. I haven't changed anything. Thought that was clear, that we always did these activities TOGETHER. But what will happen, even if I ride and am home by 9:30, I'm still tackling dinner by myself because HE'LL BE GONE. What is so hard to understand here? I don't get these misogynistic "wifey" "which is it" snide remarks. But no, I'm not new here so I shoudln't be surprised.

order the meal from Safeway and you Both don’t have to cook.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound incredibly immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised at some of the responses. It's not that I "care" per se that he has plans. We certainly do separate things all the time with our friends. We've just never in all our years of marriage unilaterally decided one of us was heading out for hours on a holiday morning. He got mad at me when I showed surprised, then anger, that he never even thought to check in with me. To me, that's just common courtesy. For the record, I would have said, of course, go ahead. But I was never even consulted when he chides me all the time for way lesser (i.e. RSVPing our daughter for a birthday party she's invited to. Yes, he expects to "consulted" on those.)

And yes, PP. We are hosting. His friends. Which I will now be prepping by myself apparently.

Stop being such a flipping martyr. Tell him you’re not preparing a holiday meal for his friends solo while he golfs, and that’s that.

Or CHEERFULLY play Donna Reed if you choose to let him treat you like the little woman. That’s what you are choosing. Own your choice, wifey.

You're an ass.


Op, no way in hell would I be prepping solo for his friends. If he isn't going to be home, scale way back. No turkey with all of the trimmings.

[Anonymous]

OP, take yourself out for supper and let him host his friends.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't his friends bringing a dish. If they do that, all you have to do is stuff the turkey and pop it in the oven. Get jarred gravy. Heck you even have my permission to use those nice, sturdy plastic plates.

For that matter, why don't you tell your dh that he and his friends are responsible for Thanksgiving dinner. See what they come up with.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, allow your man one day of golf without being a nag. Go buy the whole damn meal at Honey Baked Ham and quit being a martyr. Be happy he's had half a day for himself, and he'll come home more psyched for the together time, but making him feel guilty will have the opposite effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

+100. Part of why you run plans by each other is to avoid scheduling conflicts and to not leave your partner holding the bag. My DH is the main cook in the family and I can’t imagine any world in which he is doing all the holiday prep for my family while I am gone all morning without the kids for plans we didn’t discuss ahead of time. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

[Anonymous]

Do any of you "just let the guy enjoy himself" have any idea what goes into a Thanksgiving dinner??? Do you expect to actually eat that day?

[Anonymous]

I live on a golf course and ours is closed on Thanksgiving Day. so he is lying and doing something else (with whom?) or was just trying to get out of hanging with those people.

And yeah, just order from Safeway or Whole Foods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wifey" comments come from you being all, "oh well now I'm apparently now cooking by myself for his friends, woe is me."

If my husband thought for one second I was doing literally all of the Thankgiving prep/cooking *for his friends* while he went golfing, I would laugh and lauuuuugggghhh.

If he wanted to golf, fine. I'll be doing turkey, stuffing, pecan pie--because that is what matters to me. He can either get his ass home in time to do the rest, or not. I don't really care. Not my friends, not my problem.

But you seem resigned to him just unilaterally deciding to peace out and you holding the bag (of stuffing mix).

Well, if you're too subserviant to say HELL TO THE NO to this bullcrap arrangement, that's your choice. But you don't get to be a martyr about YOUR CHOICE.

+100. Part of why you run plans by each other is to avoid scheduling conflicts and to not leave your partner holding the bag. My DH is the main cook in the family and I can’t imagine any world in which he is doing all the holiday prep for my family while I am gone all morning without the kids for plans we didn’t discuss ahead of time. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

OP here. I agree with this. The problem is that one set of plans was discussed and agreed upon (having his friends over) and one wasn't (him checking out the entire morning). So I'm in a fix. They shouldn't be treated to a crappy dinner because my husband is a jerk.

But I have no intention of martyring myself. I guess I'm not presenting myself well - when I say "guess I'll be prepping myself" I'm being slightly sarcastic because that's totally what he thinks/expects. But I'll present him with a list of things he has to do, or else cancel on them I guess. I won't actually do the whole thing myself.

And to another PP. We live on a golf course. He plays all the time. It's not "one day of fun." It's all the time for him, and I couldn't care less the other days.

OK, thanks all.