How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?
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Anonymous
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I think it’s normal to feel guilty at first (I did at least and I’ve talked about this with other SAHMs who agreed) but you get used to it.
One reason is that my husband wants me to do this. Similar circumstances to the poster above with the alpha guy - has a big job, makes a lot of money, frequent travel, demanding hours, etc. etc. Also comes from a traditional background and feels bad for kids who are stuck in daycare all day. His words not mine. He often tells me how glad he is for our kids that they get to be with me all the time. He calls me the family cruise director because I’m always arranging outings, activities, playdates for the kids. I keep them very busy and I know he values that because he tells me straight out. So there’s no reason to feel guilty. |
Anonymous
| SAHM here. I figure any given day or even year isn’t “fair” but it evens out over the course of a lifetime. I have days where I’m chasing my toddler (who isn’t in preschool or daycare of any type, so I’m almost always “on duty”) constantly, and other times when she takes a long nap or whatever and I get a huge break in my day and feel a bit guilty. But, other times my husband gets to go on social outings at work, corporate retreats in luxurious locations and such, fancy dinners, etc. I really do think the pluses and minuses even out over time. |
Anonymous
Clearly, this is an issue for you, since you have significant wealth but both work full time and put your kids in preschool all day anyway. Were you raised to be embarrassed about having money? Did your parents tell you things like "always be humble" and "always know the value of a day's work?" Now you're seeing why that position is sort of ludicrous. No matter how many hours you put in, you ALWAYS have the option to just quit. If your husband left or got hit by a bus tomorrow, you'd be fine. If you decided to devote yourself to charitable works, you'd be fine. If you got fired, and then your husband got fired ... you'd be fine. No amount of work is going to assuage your guilt, because your guilt is about not HAVING to work like the rest of us poor shlubs. |
Anonymous
| You are way overthinking a free week off. My spouse and I have different leave benefits and there is usually a week at the end of the leave year where I send the kids off to school, he goes to work, and I do whatever the heck I want. I do invite him to come home extra early for us time like we used to have before there were little people in the house, and he does come home if he’s still got leave left. |
Anonymous
Sounds like she loves her husband and respects his time. |
Anonymous
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Nah! No guilt. SAHM with grown kids in HS. Love to be home.
DH works hard and wants me to be refreshed and happy when he gets home. He says that he is put on the Earth to make me happy and he does. |
Anonymous
I think a lot of it has to do with this. It's if the husband would do it anyway, doesn't care to be as involved with the kids as mom is, is happy bringing a paycheck, etc. |
Anonymous
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Hmmm...
Why you feel guilty? I think you should explore it with your therapist. Did you have a traumatic event in your childhood? Why do you think you are not worthy? Do tell. You are such a fascinating case study... |
Anonymous
If you want to work, don't let him make decisions for you, PP. All the studies show your son will be just fine - and maybe better off - with a working mom. |
Anonymous
| OP if you feel so guilty why don’t you volunteer somewhere that people don’t have the luxury of not having to work like you do? Your post sounds like you’re far removed from your average working person who must to pay bills. |
Anonymous
+1 I was at home for 7 yrs but also did a little freelance work to keep up my skills/network. DH wanted to have me home with our young children but he also did feel stress at being the primary breadwinner and concerned that he could end up laid-off as he got older since there is a significant age bias in the tech field. So, it was always the plan for me to go back to work when the kids were in school (which is why keeping up through freelancing was important). It all worked out and we're both happily working FT with now two teenagers. But, If I had not been able to go back to work I likely would have felt guilty about him having to work at a job he doesn't particularly love. |
Anonymous
This. It really matters what hours/travel the working spouse is putting in. Think of it this way: Couple #1 has two parents working 40 hour/week = a family contribution to the working world of 80 hours. Couple #2 had two parents, one working 60 hours and one working 20 hours = a family contribution of 80 hours. Couple #3 has two parents, one working 80 hours and one SAHP = a family contribution of 80 hours. Does it really matter which set up a family chooses? Each family has the same number of hours to accomplish the same work. |
Anonymous
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DH and I both have PhDs and are in the fields we greatly enjoy. That said, I was underemployed for a while and stayed home a lot. DH did not have to think about planning, paying bills, shopping, driving kids to school and activities, cooking, cleaning, scheduling and managing everything and everyone, helping with homework, doctors’ appointments, correspondence with teachers, maintaining the house and yard, etc, etc, etc. I did all this without any recognition and occasionall “we would be fine without it” comments. DH just went to work and did what he loves to do. Yes, we were both stressed that if something happens to his job, we’d be without money, but I was also the one feeling guilty about it.
Also, when I was out of the job, I volunteered at all the school events, I organized and hired teachers for extra curricular classes, I led story time in my native language, and often picked up my WOH friends’ kids. I am now extra nice to the SAHMs who volunteer because what they do benefits not only their kids but mine too. When I finally found my current job, I could not believe how relaxing it is to WOH  SAH is being the house manager - it’s exhausting and thankless work. If you don’t need the money and enjoy your job, you should feel guilty you get to work and your partner does not.
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Anonymous
No, enjoy your ONE week off. BFD. Enjoy your inheritance too. Many fathers and mothers prioritize flexible decent-paying jobs over crappy clients, money-grub jobs. Family is important, so is running a household not as a disaster. Not sure why you feel guilty. You already are the default parent. You all probably take vacations. I have summer Fridays off for the first time in my life of working in the private sector in NYC and WDC. Kids are in camp. Errands are to be had. So is relaxing. |
Anonymous
Funny in our house when my husband works on all the vacations, at home until 8pm, at 5-8am at home, or can't remember anything going on with the family HE TRIES TO MAKE US FEEL GUILTY and thank him profusely for "working so hard for the family." Meanwhile, he never says thank you for anything done with or for the family by us, and incredibly ungrateful. I will never quit my FT job for a spouse like this, he would only further check-out. |