SAHM - do you get "used" to it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are awesome (at least mine are). So glad I have them. But a lot of mothering is drudgery. I would happily give up the drudgery forever and just have the mothering relationship. That is the important part. Not who does the drudgery.

^This. My wife and I both goto work and we have a nanny. We are blessed to be able to afford a nanny and everyone is better off this way. Some people are not mentally "built" to handle staying at home all day with the kids. This goes for men AND women. For the people who can stay at home and watch the kids all day, props to you, but I don't see myself as any lesser of a person because it's harder for me. Especially in the first few years, as you said, a lot of mothering is drudgery, and if you can offload some of that headache and spend more time doing enjoyable activities with your kids everyone will be happier and better for it. If there's anything I've learned it's that being a parent has many different "stages." There's the baby/early toddler stage where you're basically a machine, then the child phase, and teenage/adult phase. Some parents are great at the baby stage, but honestly suck at the teenage/adult phase. Teaching your kid things requires a completely different skillset than changing diapers, feeding them milk, etc.

There's been some articles about this that state such. The amount of time spent with children isn't so much the important part, but WHEN you spend time with them, you have "quality time" with them.

The people who come here with the nasty comments of "why did you even have kids" are just the ones who are ignorant and don't understand all the different dynamics and personalities. Maybe one day they will.. until then just laugh it off and ignore them. Haters gonna hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caring for kids means many different things at different times. In the very early years, it does mean meeting their every need, cleaning up after them, feeding them, napping them, etc. It also means putting a roof over their head and saving for college and having a backup plan if your spouse can't work or divorces, etc. It means researching and getting things that they might need, whether that be clothes and crayons or a trombone and a physical therapist. It means modeling how to be in the world in a healthy and happy way -- how to have boundaries, how to contribute to society, how to realize your own potential.

Children thrive with not ONE sole caregiver but with a group of adults around them who can give them and teach them many things. I don't care if you're a SAHM who home schools -- no one can give a child a whole world by themselves. I think it's pretty clear that different people have different strengths. You can be a great SAHM in the early years who doesn't know how to handle adolescence. You can not like staying at home at first, but have other things to contribute to your kid's lives. There are many ways to be a family. I personally grew up with a SAHM who was very skillful and present as a homemaker and nurturer, but also felt resentful and did not discover her life's purpose. There were certain things she could not model for me that she might have been able to if she had worked and been fulfilled (I say worked, because she was brilliant and very much wanted a career). I have lots of friends who grew up with working moms and are extremely close. Those women were working and also held down the family, created a home environment, managed the rhythms, oversaw their children's education and so much else. I think defining the role of a mother/parent in too-narrow terms is problematic for the children.

+1. I kind of said the same thing, didn't see this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why Do you guys have kids if you are so opposed to caring for them?

Serious question.

Are they just something to fill your time outside of work and as travel companions? I think you probably would have been better off as one of those couples who had dogs instead of kids. It’s really much easier to just crate those little buggers.

This poster is one of the reasons I hated being a SAHM. She was the kind of undereducated idiot I would get stuck talking to at the library or park. I loved being home with my baby but all the rest truly sucked big time.

How do you define educated? Because by every common definition, my husband and I are very well educated and I have two degrees (one finite and from one of those schools all your kids want to get into) Do I have different opinions on child rearing than you do, yes. But those opinions were made by a very well educated mind. You DO only spend time with your kid on nights and weekends right? Am I wrong in that or do you just not like hearing it phrased that way? My well educated mind is and was the one raising my children. One of the reasons I chose to stay home is that most childcare providers ARE uneducated, most jobs don’t require any type of degree. I’m not sure what interactions you had at the park or library, but Most women I know who sag are very well educated especially in this area. They chose to stay home because they can and they think it’s best for their kids, not for lack of opportunity in the job market.

NP. I also hated talking to women like you when I was a SAHM when my kids were young. You go on and on about your education but have no ability to teach important values like kindness, compassion, and empathy to your children, and it's so obvious.

What I learned over the years though is that your attitude will come back to haunt you. My kids are much older and mine is the house where the teens congregate, and boy have I learned a lot about the behavior of children of parents like you. Enjoy the shallow relationship you have with your teens. They won't tell you anything important. You won't even know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why Do you guys have kids if you are so opposed to caring for them?

Serious question.

Are they just something to fill your time outside of work and as travel companions? I think you probably would have been better off as one of those couples who had dogs instead of kids. It’s really much easier to just crate those little buggers.

This poster is one of the reasons I hated being a SAHM. She was the kind of undereducated idiot I would get stuck talking to at the library or park. I loved being home with my baby but all the rest truly sucked big time.

How do you define educated? Because by every common definition, my husband and I are very well educated and I have two degrees (one finite and from one of those schools all your kids want to get into) Do I have different opinions on child rearing than you do, yes. But those opinions were made by a very well educated mind. You DO only spend time with your kid on nights and weekends right? Am I wrong in that or do you just not like hearing it phrased that way? My well educated mind is and was the one raising my children. One of the reasons I chose to stay home is that most childcare providers ARE uneducated, most jobs don’t require any type of degree. I’m not sure what interactions you had at the park or library, but Most women I know who sag are very well educated especially in this area. They chose to stay home because they can and they think it’s best for their kids, not for lack of opportunity in the job market.

NP here. We found a brilliant nanny who has a masters in Early Childhood Development and was a preschool teacher for nearly 15 years before becoming a nanny. She also got her bachelors from a better school than I did. This is what I call “educated”. Nanny also has an amazing vocabulary that my DD has picked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why Do you guys have kids if you are so opposed to caring for them?

Serious question.

Are they just something to fill your time outside of work and as travel companions? I think you probably would have been better off as one of those couples who had dogs instead of kids. It’s really much easier to just crate those little buggers.

This poster is one of the reasons I hated being a SAHM. She was the kind of undereducated idiot I would get stuck talking to at the library or park. I loved being home with my baby but all the rest truly sucked big time.

How do you define educated? Because by every common definition, my husband and I are very well educated and I have two degrees (one finite and from one of those schools all your kids want to get into) Do I have different opinions on child rearing than you do, yes. But those opinions were made by a very well educated mind. You DO only spend time with your kid on nights and weekends right? Am I wrong in that or do you just not like hearing it phrased that way? My well educated mind is and was the one raising my children. One of the reasons I chose to stay home is that most childcare providers ARE uneducated, most jobs don’t require any type of degree. I’m not sure what interactions you had at the park or library, but Most women I know who sag are very well educated especially in this area. They chose to stay home because they can and they think it’s best for their kids, not for lack of opportunity in the job market.

God you sound miserable.
- Another SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why Do you guys have kids if you are so opposed to caring for them?

Serious question.

Are they just something to fill your time outside of work and as travel companions? I think you probably would have been better off as one of those couples who had dogs instead of kids. It’s really much easier to just crate those little buggers.

This poster is one of the reasons I hated being a SAHM. She was the kind of undereducated idiot I would get stuck talking to at the library or park. I loved being home with my baby but all the rest truly sucked big time.

How do you define educated? Because by every common definition, my husband and I are very well educated and I have two degrees (one finite and from one of those schools all your kids want to get into) Do I have different opinions on child rearing than you do, yes. But those opinions were made by a very well educated mind. You DO only spend time with your kid on nights and weekends right? Am I wrong in that or do you just not like hearing it phrased that way? My well educated mind is and was the one raising my children. One of the reasons I chose to stay home is that most childcare providers ARE uneducated, most jobs don’t require any type of degree. I’m not sure what interactions you had at the park or library, but Most women I know who sag are very well educated especially in this area. They chose to stay home because they can and they think it’s best for their kids, not for lack of opportunity in the job market.

NP. I also hated talking to women like you when I was a SAHM when my kids were young. You go on and on about your education but have no ability to teach important values like kindness, compassion, and empathy to your children, and it's so obvious.

What I learned over the years though is that your attitude will come back to haunt you. My kids are much older and mine is the house where the teens congregate, and boy have I learned a lot about the behavior of children of parents like you. Enjoy the shallow relationship you have with your teens. They won't tell you anything important. You won't even know it.

lets be clear, you don't need a college degree to be a good mom. plenty of educated people end up being lousy parents. just be honest, you have a grad degree or ivy education and you are playing princess pretend and wiping floors all day. stop bragging about what a great mom you are.

[Anonymous]

Being a SAHM is definitely a physical switch. I'm in pretty good shape and I noticed my feet hurt every night when I switched from my desk job to staying at home. I realized I never sat! My son is 5 now and I get to sit a little more, but the lifestyle is far less sedentary in general. Which I actually like now that I'm used to it. It's less stress more "work."

I did get used to it. But it is still maddening sometimes, and I still flop on the couch after bedtime with a big sigh of relief.

[Anonymous]

I hate to break it to folks but you don't need to be a rocket scientist to be a nanny, in fact it might be a detriment. As another poster said, teaching patience, kindness, manners, etc. I find to be MUCH more important than getting johnny to memorize his multiplication tables by 3.

Formal "education" is highly overrated imo. So what if a person has a college degree in history and they're a nanny. As mentioned in another thread, the early years is primarily drudgery and little in the way of education. By 3 if you're that concerned send them to school part time.

If a "highly educated" person wants to stay at home to watch their kid, props to you, that's your choice. But you're going to have a hard time convincing me that it makes a dramatic difference over a non-educated elderly lady, especially in the younger years. This is coming from someone that primarily "just" spends nights and weekends with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why Do you guys have kids if you are so opposed to caring for them?

Serious question.

Are they just something to fill your time outside of work and as travel companions? I think you probably would have been better off as one of those couples who had dogs instead of kids. It’s really much easier to just crate those little buggers.

This poster is one of the reasons I hated being a SAHM. She was the kind of undereducated idiot I would get stuck talking to at the library or park. I loved being home with my baby but all the rest truly sucked big time.

How do you define educated? Because by every common definition, my husband and I are very well educated and I have two degrees (one finite and from one of those schools all your kids want to get into) Do I have different opinions on child rearing than you do, yes. But those opinions were made by a very well educated mind. You DO only spend time with your kid on nights and weekends right? Am I wrong in that or do you just not like hearing it phrased that way? My well educated mind is and was the one raising my children. One of the reasons I chose to stay home is that most childcare providers ARE uneducated, most jobs don’t require any type of degree. I’m not sure what interactions you had at the park or library, but Most women I know who sag are very well educated especially in this area. They chose to stay home because they can and they think it’s best for their kids, not for lack of opportunity in the job market.

NP. I also hated talking to women like you when I was a SAHM when my kids were young. You go on and on about your education but have no ability to teach important values like kindness, compassion, and empathy to your children, and it's so obvious.

What I learned over the years though is that your attitude will come back to haunt you. My kids are much older and mine is the house where the teens congregate, and boy have I learned a lot about the behavior of children of parents like you. Enjoy the shallow relationship you have with your teens. They won't tell you anything important. You won't even know it.

lets be clear, you don't need a college degree to be a good mom. plenty of educated people end up being lousy parents. just be honest, you have a grad degree or ivy education and you are playing princess pretend and wiping floors all day. stop bragging about what a great mom you are.

I am the NP here who posted in response to the self-described well-educated SAHM mom and I completely agree with you. (I should have said this myself!) Education does not mean someone is a good parent. And lack of education doesn't make someone a bad mom. I would think that would be obvious to any observer of the world but based on the SAHM PPs post I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to break it to folks but you don't need to be a rocket scientist to be a nanny, in fact it might be a detriment. As another poster said, teaching patience, kindness, manners, etc. I find to be MUCH more important than getting johnny to memorize his multiplication tables by 3.

Formal "education" is highly overrated imo. So what if a person has a college degree in history and they're a nanny. As mentioned in another thread, the early years is primarily drudgery and little in the way of education. By 3 if you're that concerned send them to school part time.

If a "highly educated" person wants to stay at home to watch their kid, props to you, that's your choice. But you're going to have a hard time convincing me that it makes a dramatic difference over a non-educated elderly lady, especially in the younger years. This is coming from someone that primarily "just" spends nights and weekends with my kids.

Yup. I prefer my nanny be a kind, loving person who cares for my kid and wants to teach her to be a good person.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the PP "highly educated" poster is terrible but being kind and well educated are not mutually exclusive and it is important that even young children spend time with people who know how to speak properly, who use proper grammar and language with them, read to them and open the world to them. Kids are learning from the moment they arrive. This is not to say that people who are not well educated cannot be wonderful parents or that people who are not well educated cannot have children who are well educated, only that all other things being equal it is better for a child, any child to spend time with and around people who are well educated.

It is not the mere presence of books in the home that makes for bright, successful children but the growing up in the kind of home that values books that makes for bright, successful children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to break it to folks but you don't need to be a rocket scientist to be a nanny, in fact it might be a detriment. As another poster said, teaching patience, kindness, manners, etc. I find to be MUCH more important than getting johnny to memorize his multiplication tables by 3.

Formal "education" is highly overrated imo. So what if a person has a college degree in history and they're a nanny. As mentioned in another thread, the early years is primarily drudgery and little in the way of education. By 3 if you're that concerned send them to school part time.

If a "highly educated" person wants to stay at home to watch their kid, props to you, that's your choice. But you're going to have a hard time convincing me that it makes a dramatic difference over a non-educated elderly lady, especially in the younger years. This is coming from someone that primarily "just" spends nights and weekends with my kids.

Yup. I prefer my nanny be a kind, loving person who cares for my kid and wants to teach her to be a good person.

PP with the educated nanny from above: Our nanny is the kindest, most loving person I have ever known. She teaches my DD empathy and kindness everyday. None of her human qualities were drilled out of her in graduate school!!

It makes me laugh that you think education and kindness are mutually exclusive!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was laid off at work and am currently looking for another job (if it matters I'm typically an executive with a desk job). I have a 15mo DS and am pregnant with my second. My husband is able to support our family comfortably but I like working and generally planned to do it.

With my current time off I was kind of hoping I'd love being home and decide I just want to stay home until the new baby is 1 or so. This would relieve the stress of trying to find a job before I look too pregnant as well as the toughness of going back to a job that I don't have a long track record at right after maternity leave with all the exhaustion and pumping that entails.

Day to day I kind of hate being home though - not the time with DS (though I struggle with how to feel our time after we have gone on an outing or two already that day) but the relentless of cleaning up after him. I hate washing his high chair tray and the floor etc 3 times a day. I hate all the dishes (when I work we have a nanny that takes care of it) and picking up toys, and general all the manual labor staying home entails.

I'm sure no one loves this part of it, but do you get more used to it? Do you always hate it? Did you never feel this way? The relentlessness of cleaning up the same thing for the nth time that day is making me very eager to get back to work but maybe it just takes awhile to adjust to any major change like this?

I also find it very lonely but I'm assuming I'd make more sahm friends over time and that part would be solved for.

This is in no way a knock on SAHMs - its tough and exhausting! Working is tough and exhausting! Everyone with kids is doing a ton of work and both options can be great for parents and their families.

I work part time from home (sitter in the mornings) but still cook lunch and dinner and clean with a toddler and am pregnant. It does get rough. And lonely. And exhausting. But there are parts of my outside job that are drudgery too, and I like the physical aspects of going on walks with my toddler which keeps me in shape despite being hunched over a computer all morning.

What helped me: I finally learned to cook decently and I only cook food that I love and am excited to eat, which, it turns out, my kid likes too (salmon, broccoli) -at least for now. I also make coffee and lunch dates with my working friends at least once or twice a week and I just bring the kiddo along - we obviously don’t go places that are too fancy. My house is usually a mess during the day (dishes in the sink) and I don’t feel guilty about that-I wait till kiddo’s asleep to pick up (which btw means hubby helps too- he helps with dishes and laundry and often does breakfast so not all the housework is on me.) I leave the house a lot and not just for kid places. I can think of maybe only three days when we didn’t leave, due to severe weather. frankly if I had a kid who didn’t do well in public (starbucks, Panera, grocery, etc) I probably couldn’t spend so much time with them. We occasionally go to a kids play zone but only maybe twice a month.

My biggest worry is that my kid is not around other kids enough, and so will be delayed in vocab, colors, numbers and all that. I tried the toddler classes but found them too boring for me and too much hassle, and I didn’t have much in common with other sahm’s there, I def prefer coffee dates with my current and former coworkers, and they are usually excited to see the kid. Once or twice we’ve had to bail or just go walk around a bit, of course.

Good luck op, whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

To get back to the original post re: cleaning..... I think it helps to think about the spoonful of sugar song from mary poplins. I don’t love cleaning, but I did get some enjoyment out of figuring out how to clean a house efficiently and make it into a sort of game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I play music or talk on the phone while I clean the same mess over and over. It helps!

I always play an audiobook. There is a new “serial” coming out, OP!

I also typically pack lunch and eat at the playground.