SAHM - do you get "used" to it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was laid off at work and am currently looking for another job (if it matters I'm typically an executive with a desk job). I have a 15mo DS and am pregnant with my second. My husband is able to support our family comfortably but I like working and generally planned to do it.

With my current time off I was kind of hoping I'd love being home and decide I just want to stay home until the new baby is 1 or so. This would relieve the stress of trying to find a job before I look too pregnant as well as the toughness of going back to a job that I don't have a long track record at right after maternity leave with all the exhaustion and pumping that entails.

Day to day I kind of hate being home though - not the time with DS (though I struggle with how to feel our time after we have gone on an outing or two already that day) but the relentless of cleaning up after him. I hate washing his high chair tray and the floor etc 3 times a day. I hate all the dishes (when I work we have a nanny that takes care of it) and picking up toys, and general all the manual labor staying home entails.

I'm sure no one loves this part of it, but do you get more used to it? Do you always hate it? Did you never feel this way? The relentlessness of cleaning up the same thing for the nth time that day is making me very eager to get back to work but maybe it just takes awhile to adjust to any major change like this?

I also find it very lonely but I'm assuming I'd make more sahm friends over time and that part would be solved for.

This is in no way a knock on SAHMs - its tough and exhausting! Working is tough and exhausting! Everyone with kids is doing a ton of work and both options can be great for parents and their families.

I work part time from home (sitter in the mornings) but still cook lunch and dinner and clean with a toddler and am pregnant. It does get rough. And lonely. And exhausting. But there are parts of my outside job that are drudgery too, and I like the physical aspects of going on walks with my toddler which keeps me in shape despite being hunched over a computer all morning.

What helped me: I finally learned to cook decently and I only cook food that I love and am excited to eat, which, it turns out, my kid likes too (salmon, broccoli) -at least for now. I also make coffee and lunch dates with my working friends at least once or twice a week and I just bring the kiddo along - we obviously don’t go places that are too fancy. My house is usually a mess during the day (dishes in the sink) and I don’t feel guilty about that-I wait till kiddo’s asleep to pick up (which btw means hubby helps too- he helps with dishes and laundry and often does breakfast so not all the housework is on me.) I leave the house a lot and not just for kid places. I can think of maybe only three days when we didn’t leave, due to severe weather. frankly if I had a kid who didn’t do well in public (starbucks, Panera, grocery, etc) I probably couldn’t spend so much time with them. We occasionally go to a kids play zone but only maybe twice a month.

My biggest worry is that my kid is not around other kids enough, and so will be delayed in vocab, colors, numbers and all that. I tried the toddler classes but found them too boring for me and too much hassle, and I didn’t have much in common with other sahm’s there, I def prefer coffee dates with my current and former coworkers, and they are usually excited to see the kid. Once or twice we’ve had to bail or just go walk around a bit, of course.

Good luck op, whatever you decide.

Read the preschool section in “Well-trained Mind.” Age has a ton of great ideas on exposing kids to language.

[Anonymous]

I've been a Sahm since my oldest was born almost 4 years ago. I did not like my job pre kids and was happy to leave it when I did. However, being a Sahm can definitely be tedious drudgery and isolating. I like it better than I liked my job because of course I love being able to spend more time w my kids than I would if I was working. But some days being at home cleaning, cooking, running errands, even the routine childcare stuff is so mind numbingly boring that I daydream about working again. And I don't relate that well to most other SAHPs that I meet/we don't get out enough/I don't do the mommy and me classes. Anyway, I think there are aspects of any job I wouldn't like and overall, being w my kids beats working in an office job I disliked hands down. So I don't mind the tedious and lonely aspects of it so much when I consider the alternative.

However, if I had enjoyed my job I know I'd feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love being a sahm. I love not going to work and I really don’t mind cleaning up throughout the day but I do have a cleaning crew come every few weeks. He’s 18 months old now and gives me some challenging days but overall we have so much fun. One thing that helps our days go smooth is having something to do outside of the house every day. We have music classes, mommy and me, days at my parents, the library, play dates with friends etc. I keep him and myself busy! Ive also found an amazing group of moms that I’ve gotten close to and we spend a lot of time with each other with and without kids. In my entire life I’ve never been so happy.

I think this is part of the reason I could never be a SAHM - the kind of people who find that kind of life (insular, financially dependent) are just not my people. I love my kids, and I love being a doctor. Can't imagine having life of just hanging out with my friends and kids. Sounds like a fun vacation maybe, but I contain multitudes and need a bit more than than, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprise! Being a sahm isn't a cakewalk.

This. And OPs post made me smile.

I'm no martyr...I chose this SAHM life and I do like the main part of it (the staying home and raising and interacting minute-by-minute with my own child bit) enough to put up with the stuff that isn't so fun/glamorous/rewarding.

But if you think about it, OP, I'm sure your career job has its share of drawbacks or elements that you don't enjoy (that annoying co-worker, the paperwork, the pointless meetings and talk of mission statements that matter not one bit to how you do your job), but you have determined that the reward of your work is worth the downsides.

Same for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being a sahm. I love not going to work and I really don’t mind cleaning up throughout the day but I do have a cleaning crew come every few weeks. He’s 18 months old now and gives me some challenging days but overall we have so much fun. One thing that helps our days go smooth is having something to do outside of the house every day. We have music classes, mommy and me, days at my parents, the library, play dates with friends etc. I keep him and myself busy! Ive also found an amazing group of moms that I’ve gotten close to and we spend a lot of time with each other with and without kids. In my entire life I’ve never been so happy.

I think this is part of the reason I could never be a SAHM - the kind of people who find that kind of life (insular, financially dependent) are just not my people. I love my kids, and I love being a doctor. Can't imagine having life of just hanging out with my friends and kids. Sounds like a fun vacation maybe, but I contain multitudes and need a bit more than than, thanks.

It's actually a shame your viewpoint doesn't allow for people in your sphere who do not think/behave/make choices that don't mirror your own, PP.

[Anonymous]

I am very well educated (top boarding school for HS, top 20 university magna cum laude, and top 10 university for grad school). I find it the height of arrogance to think my education—which is not in child development or early childhood education—qualifies me to ensure my child develops the proper skills better than a preschool teacher.

If you want to be a SAHM because you don’t like working or simply want to spend more time with your kid, more power to you. But if you become a SAHM because you think you are more qualified to provide early childhood education to your child than a caregiver/teacher at a high quality preschool, you are exceptionally arrogant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being a sahm. I love not going to work and I really don’t mind cleaning up throughout the day but I do have a cleaning crew come every few weeks. He’s 18 months old now and gives me some challenging days but overall we have so much fun. One thing that helps our days go smooth is having something to do outside of the house every day. We have music classes, mommy and me, days at my parents, the library, play dates with friends etc. I keep him and myself busy! Ive also found an amazing group of moms that I’ve gotten close to and we spend a lot of time with each other with and without kids. In my entire life I’ve never been so happy.

I think this is part of the reason I could never be a SAHM - the kind of people who find that kind of life (insular, financially dependent) [b]are just not my people. I love my kids, and I love being a doctor. Can't imagine having life of just hanging out with my friends and kids. Sounds like a fun vacation maybe, but I contain multitudes and need a bit more than than, thanks.

[/b]

It's actually a shame your viewpoint doesn't allow for people in your sphere who do not think/behave/make choices that don't mirror your own, PP.

NP here, and PP 'Doctor', you sound like you think you are superior to SAHM's with their 'insular' lives. (Hanging out with friends and having fun with her kid? Shocking, but it sounds like she is happy.) If you are satisfied with your life choices, then no need to look down on others who choose to live differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being a sahm. I love not going to work and I really don’t mind cleaning up throughout the day but I do have a cleaning crew come every few weeks. He’s 18 months old now and gives me some challenging days but overall we have so much fun. One thing that helps our days go smooth is having something to do outside of the house every day. We have music classes, mommy and me, days at my parents, the library, play dates with friends etc. I keep him and myself busy! Ive also found an amazing group of moms that I’ve gotten close to and we spend a lot of time with each other with and without kids. In my entire life I’ve never been so happy.

I think this is part of the reason I could never be a SAHM - the kind of people who find that kind of life (insular, financially dependent) [b]are just not my people. I love my kids, and I love being a doctor. Can't imagine having life of just hanging out with my friends and kids. Sounds like a fun vacation maybe, but I contain multitudes and need a bit more than than, thanks.

[/b]

It's actually a shame your viewpoint doesn't allow for people in your sphere who do not think/behave/make choices that don't mirror your own, PP.

NP here, and PP 'Doctor', you sound like you think you are superior to SAHM's with their 'insular' lives. (Hanging out with friends and having fun with her kid? Shocking, but it sounds like she is happy.) If you are satisfied with your life choices, then no need to look down on others who choose to live differently.

It’s not shocking that hanging out with friends/kids makes her happy, it’s just hard for me to imagine feeling fulfilled by that. And I’ve realized that I don’t have much in common with folks who are fulfilled by that kind of lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being a sahm. I love not going to work and I really don’t mind cleaning up throughout the day but I do have a cleaning crew come every few weeks. He’s 18 months old now and gives me some challenging days but overall we have so much fun. One thing that helps our days go smooth is having something to do outside of the house every day. We have music classes, mommy and me, days at my parents, the library, play dates with friends etc. I keep him and myself busy! Ive also found an amazing group of moms that I’ve gotten close to and we spend a lot of time with each other with and without kids. In my entire life I’ve never been so happy.

I think this is part of the reason I could never be a SAHM - the kind of people who find that kind of life (insular, financially dependent) [b]are just not my people. I love my kids, and I love being a doctor. Can't imagine having life of just hanging out with my friends and kids. Sounds like a fun vacation maybe, but I contain multitudes and need a bit more than than, thanks.

[/b]

It's actually a shame your viewpoint doesn't allow for people in your sphere who do not think/behave/make choices that don't mirror your own, PP.

NP here, and PP 'Doctor', you sound like you think you are superior to SAHM's with their 'insular' lives. (Hanging out with friends and having fun with her kid? Shocking, but it sounds like she is happy.) If you are satisfied with your life choices, then no need to look down on others who choose to live differently.

It’s not shocking that hanging out with friends/kids makes her happy, it’s just hard for me to imagine feeling fulfilled by that. And I’ve realized that I don’t have much in common with folks who are fulfilled by that kind of lifestyle.

I agree. I'm someone who wants to have a broader impact on the world. I believe I can be a great mom and also have a job that has an impact on our society. I've always wanted both a fulfilling family life and a fulfilling career. I think I would personally feel very unfulfilled staying at home, especially with schoolaged kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher so I get to stay home two months out of the year and I have to say that it was really hard when my daughter was 15 months. I enjoyed it a lot more when she was two and then three.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home (not by choice) for two years and hated it. I’m much happier working. So I guess I agree with pps who say that it really depends on your personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being a sahm. I love not going to work and I really don’t mind cleaning up throughout the day but I do have a cleaning crew come every few weeks. He’s 18 months old now and gives me some challenging days but overall we have so much fun. One thing that helps our days go smooth is having something to do outside of the house every day. We have music classes, mommy and me, days at my parents, the library, play dates with friends etc. I keep him and myself busy! Ive also found an amazing group of moms that I’ve gotten close to and we spend a lot of time with each other with and without kids. In my entire life I’ve never been so happy.

I think this is part of the reason I could never be a SAHM - the kind of people who find that kind of life (insular, financially dependent) are just not my people. I love my kids, and I love being a doctor. Can't imagine having life of just hanging out with my friends and kids. Sounds like a fun vacation maybe, but I contain multitudes and need a bit more than than, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very well educated (top boarding school for HS, top 20 university magna cum laude, and top 10 university for grad school). I find it the height of arrogance to think my education—which is not in child development or early childhood education—qualifies me to ensure my child develops the proper skills better than a preschool teacher.

If you want to be a SAHM because you don’t like working or simply want to spend more time with your kid, more power to you. But if you become a SAHM because you think you are more qualified to provide early childhood education to your child than a caregiver/teacher at a high quality preschool, you are exceptionally arrogant.

Do you lead everything you say with the rankings if your schools? And your point is others are arrogant? Good god.

[Anonymous]

You need to find life hacks for yourself to make it bearable. For example, I clean up the high chair 1x/day and that's after dinner/end of the day. Does it really matter that there are some crumbs in there? Or a leftover cheese that was flung to the floor. I'm the only one all day with DS and so long as I'm not stepping on it and tracking it around the house I sorta brush it underneath the table where it won't get tracked around the house and wait until the last meal of the day to do a final cleanup.
Better yet, 98% of the time, DS and I eat our meals outside. We sit on the front stoop and eat our toast and fruit for breakfast, we're at the playground usually for lunch so I bring food at eat at the picnic table, etc.
So, we are out of the house for the messiest part of the day.
Other little short cuts are things like cleaning the bathroom while your kid is taking a bath. You get the picture.

Find a good routine too. That really helps everyone get through the day. For us, I set myself a deadline that we are out of the house by 10am. That gets the momentum going, keeps us both from going stir crazy, fresh air, stimulation, burns off energy, etc.

[Anonymous]

When I went from a SAHM to a WOHM, I outsourced a lot of things for the first time and I loved it. I had not liked doint the daily domestic chores when I was a SAHM and the relentless and repetitive nature of it was not the highlight of my day. Being a WOHM had its perks because I did not have to do the chores, but I was heartsick about how little time I had with my kids and husband. The office work also became repetitive, political and boring after some time. As a WOHM, who outsourced, it was not as if I did not have to do anywork. I still had to do some work, and I still had to give detailed instructions.

When I transitioned again from a WOHM to a SAHM after DC2 was born. I knew that I wanted to continue to outsource and I did, I think the best part of WOHM was the financial justification for outsourcing. Thankfully, by the time I became a SAHM for the second time, we were financially in a much different position. Outsourcing chores was financially very easy. Now, I love being a SAHM who has the manpower to keep the house organized. I supervise, of course, but, doing all the cleaning and cooking and laundry was never my cup of tea.

DH and I figured that my time was best spent in making sure that the kid's learning is enriched and they are getting the best of everything for their physical, emotional, mental and intellectual growth. I am happy with my situation. I have no objection to be called a housewife, a SAHM or even a SAHW.

I was not "used" to it when I first became a SAHM because the daily domestic chores was not welcome by me. I also did not enjoy being a WOHM because I missed raising my kids. I was better equipped when I became a SAHM for the second time because I had help and we were financially well off and I could really make an impact on the lives of my kids.