Planning to leave my husband once our youngest starts college

[Anonymous]

I think this must be a troll. Youngest starting college, and only now she has time to be “selfish”? As the SAHM of three school aged children, I have plenty of “me time.” And give up all claims to retirement funds? So moronic as to be completely unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are insane if you think starting over at 48 is easy or even a good idea. Dating is not easy. It's not like college where you are surrounded by a sea of single, eligible people.

The grass is always greener. Be smart. See a therapist. Make sure you are doing the wise thing. And of course you preserve your assets! You can always donate them to charity or give them to your kids later if you don't want them.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised by all of the people telling her to take the money.

Usually it's the opposite on here - people telling SAHMs that it's not their money and they have no right to it.

Just goes to show that on DCUM, the whole point is to tear down and attack the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the fall. I’m sure it will be a huge shock as he knows nothing about this. But I’ve been thinking that I’m young enough to start over - I’m only 48. I could still meet someone. But more than that I just want to start my life over and live on my own terms. I never got to do that in my 20s. I’ve literally spent my entire adult life taking care of other people and I am so burned out. I just want to be selfish and live for myself now.

Anywhere here’s my real question. I’m thinking about waiving my right to my half of the assets (several million dollars, none of it earned by me) and all our stuff. I just don’t to bring want any of that stuff with me. My friend says this is literally insane but I can’t convince her why I don’t want any of that stuff, even the money. I want to start over like I’m 22. I have a good enough job to support myself.

Has anyone else been through this? Do you think I will regret the financial aspect? Friend says I should raise the possibility of separation first and ease into it. But honestly I just want to take the leap and feel the free fall. I just want to completely burn it down.

Anyone btdt who can talk me through this?

Sorry, but you sound like a horrible person.

1) the fact that it "will be a huge shock as he knows nothing about this" means you haven't tried and made it clear how you feel - if you did than it wouldn't be such a shock when the time came. So shame on you for blindsiding him, and not giving him the chance to work with you and a counselor to save your marriage.
2) you sound cavalier about how this affects everyone except you (i.e. your children and other family)
3) you will need roughly $2M by most financial advisors guidance to retire, so how do you plan to raise what wakes most people a lifetime to save in just ~15 yrs.
4) the whole start off like I'm 22 thing is sad and immature - you CAN'T relive your 20's. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by all of the people telling her to take the money.

Usually it's the opposite on here - people telling SAHMs that it's not their money and they have no right to it.

Just goes to show that on DCUM, the whole point is to tear down and attack the OP.

Right, so YOU think she should eat cat food and live in poverty during retirement? You either have terrible finance sense, are OP masquerading as a NP or just as ignorant.

[Anonymous]

OP, please come back and update us. I hope you've reconsidered and will get a good attorney who will get you your fair share of assets. Once you are divorced, your husband can no longer use the money to control you. You seem to feel that he will still have a hold on you if you take money; that's just not the case. You're excited at the prospect of telling him, "I don't need or want your money! I walk away free!" But it's not his money -- it's yours as a married couple. Take nothing and you won't be free. Lose your job, get sick or injured, have a major, unexpected expense--and you will be chained to debt very quickly.

Please do nothing until you are well into therapy. You're seeing your "freedom" through rose-colored glasses and it could cost you not just financially but emotionally if you proceed as recklessly as your first post says. Of course you can divorce, but if you do it in a way that blindsides and hurts your kids (yes, college students are still your kids and wil take it far harder than you seem to think), and leaves you struggling (yes, your income is not realistically sufficient)--if you divorce in the way you're proposing, you will lack both funds AND your kids' presence in your life.

I'm actually worried for your state of mind. Please see a therapist and a financial counselor. If you need to, hide the therapist visits from your husband and get financial advice from your bank; many provide free consulting to customers.

[Anonymous]

Take the money. It is yours too. You will need it for retirement. How will he use it to control you once you are divorced? You don’t have to tell him anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by all of the people telling her to take the money.

Usually it's the opposite on here - people telling SAHMs that it's not their money and they have no right to it.

Just goes to show that on DCUM, the whole point is to tear down and attack the OP.

Right, so YOU think she should eat cat food and live in poverty during retirement? You either have terrible finance sense, are OP masquerading as a NP or just as ignorant.

No I don't think that. But I'm a SAHM too and have been told my numerous people on here that I'm just a moocher and it's not my money and I have no right to half if my husband leaves me. I should be penniless in that case.

[Anonymous]

OP I can see that you're looking forward to blindsiding him. You're planning to just suddenly walk out one day, completely out of the blue, and leaving everything from your old life behind in the dust. Including your husband who you say will be completely blind sided by this as he currently thinks you have a "great marriage."

While I'm sure that would be satisfying in some ways, it'll be cold comfort when you're struggling financially.

[Anonymous]

Are you planning to leave him a note?

Dear John,

See ya sucker!

Love,

your ex wife

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by all of the people telling her to take the money.

Usually it's the opposite on here - people telling SAHMs that it's not their money and they have no right to it.

Just goes to show that on DCUM, the whole point is to tear down and attack the OP.

Right, so YOU think she should eat cat food and live in poverty during retirement? You either have terrible finance sense, are OP masquerading as a NP or just as ignorant.

Cat food is expensive compared to real food.

If she is such a great mom, her kids will be happy to take her in and support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ll have to pay 1/2 or the college tuition as well. Colleges look at the sum of income to determine need. If your exDH has all the money he will call all the shots, I’d take it as the “gotcha”. Also I understand you feel you need OUT. I just wish there was infidelity or some other reason I could support you leaving, as it is, I think you’ll regret it after the fog clears, especially if you’re 60 and broke and he’s living it up with his new wife (who’d live to be a sahw traveling with her new man)

DP is there a law saying that all parents have to pay for college that I missed? Did you see the last post about the person who paid for their college? If you can't afford it I don't see how anyone can force you to pay for anything extra, which is what college is ( although we will pay for our kids) food, clothing, roof over their heads but once you are 18 not sure legally what parents owe you.

This might backfire on OP. I had a friend who this happened to at age 55--his SAH DW decided to cash in her chips when the kids were 17 and 15. She got half the assets, and bought her own house with the money. She still doesn't work, she's living off alimony and the remnants of the 401k.

My friend told his kids, "Sorry, no college for you. Mommy took all the money."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by all of the people telling her to take the money.

Usually it's the opposite on here - people telling SAHMs that it's not their money and they have no right to it.

Just goes to show that on DCUM, the whole point is to tear down and attack the OP.

Right, so YOU think she should eat cat food and live in poverty during retirement? You either have terrible finance sense, are OP masquerading as a NP or just as ignorant.

Cat food is expensive compared to real food.

If she is such a great mom, her kids will be happy to take her in and support her.

Right, because they will have oodles of money to pay for her health insurance/medications... dream on OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I take the money I will still feel tied to him. He has used this money to control and limit me (pushing me into being a SAHM even after kids started school) all my adult life. I’m done.

I want to see his face when I tell him I don’t want it and I don’t need it.

If you have a good lucrative job, why is it that he earned it all and you earned nothing? It doesn't make sense.

You will need money for retirement, and you are almost 50 as it is.

If you tell him no, you will be making him so happy and he will replace you with a 30 year old - is that how you want him to feel?

I make around 50k - not lucrative but enough to live on my own and support myself esp. if I get a raise in the near future. I don’t need much. I just want a sense of freedom.

you are being so dumb. How much do you have in retirement? who is going to take care of you? Do you have any clue how much money you need to retire? SS isnt going to cut it. So you would rather be dependent on your kids than take your fair share of his money. do SAHMs lost touch with finacial reality, thats a serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the fall. I’m sure it will be a huge shock as he knows nothing about this. But I’ve been thinking that I’m young enough to start over - I’m only 48. I could still meet someone. But more than that I just want to start my life over and live on my own terms. I never got to do that in my 20s. I’ve literally spent my entire adult life taking care of other people and I am so burned out. I just want to be selfish and live for myself now.

Anywhere here’s my real question. I’m thinking about waiving my right to my half of the assets (several million dollars, none of it earned by me) and all our stuff. I just don’t to bring want any of that stuff with me. My friend says this is literally insane but I can’t convince her why I don’t want any of that stuff, even the money. I want to start over like I’m 22. I have a good enough job to support myself.

Has anyone else been through this? Do you think I will regret the financial aspect? Friend says I should raise the possibility of separation first and ease into it. But honestly I just want to take the leap and feel the free fall. I just want to completely burn it down.

Anyone btdt who can talk me through this?

You are not 22. It will be tough finding a job. Age discrimination is real.