Planning to leave my husband once our youngest starts college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do walk away and leave him all of the money! He’ll be puzzled for a few months and then will easily find someone younger and hotter who will be THRILLED to be a SAH trophy wife. Best of luck to you!

I think this is accurate but too bad, this thread talked her into fighting for her half of the money.

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:How is it that he thinks you have a great marriage and yet you are secretly planning to leave him?

Are ya’ll still having sex?

Because he’s emotionally clueless. I have told him several times over the years that I don’t think he respects me and that I don’t always like or appreciate the way he speaks to me. He always denies the lack of respect thing, his language improves, but then it always slips again. For instance, he loves to rub it in my face in front of our kids that they shouldn’t ask me for help on their math hw because he got such a higher score on the SATs. That’s genuinely his idea of a joke. I know he doesn’t really mean it spitefully (at least not completely) but I’m sick of overlooking that kind of thing. I’ve had enough.

Yes we’re still having sex bit not as often as we used to. Probably once a week.

Wow, I pray you have better examples than that. My wife and I tease each other all the time and you admit he doesn't mean it spitefully? You sound super resentful and clearly even things like that are scratching at your insides. I also can't help but wonder what HIS side of this whole story would sound like - since we're all assuming he's the horrible person you make him out to be

Dude that’s actually a really disrespectful thing to say and she said she even told him that it hurts her feelings and he still does it.

If you are saying shit like that to your wife on the reg, she might be secretly planning to dump you too.

Dear god, grow a thicker skin!!! First of all, her kids are 18 and 24 I think she said? How much math homework is being done that anyone can help with at this point?? Second of all, you could just as easily respond "that's true, come to me when you need help on [insert your area of expertise], that's where I'm a rock star." What's so hard about any of this?

Don’t most hs seniors take math? I thought that was what she was referring g to...you don’t think that’s terribly rude and mean? To degrade your wife in front of your kids?

to many its just silly TEASING (and it goes both ways), but apparently to some its an evil deplorable act of disrespect.

NP. If I tell someone to stop some behavior, and I really mean it and they know that and yet don’t stop, that’s a serious problem imo. The only sensible thing to do is stop associating with them. Hard to do if you’re married to that person and have little kids.

I can see how years of this might build up a resentment that’s hard to understand based on one or two anecdotes. But if we’re talking 25 years of this continuous disrespect and insults...then it starts to make more sense.

So you really think this is just a one way street of disrespect? LOL

[Anonymous]

so where are all the BTDT peeps OP was looking for advice from? crickets! what does that tell you OP? seek marriage/personal counseling, get on medication for depression if diagnosed, consult a financial advisor and attorney... the only thing you will "burn down" are YOUR OWN options

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so where are all the BTDT peeps OP was looking for advice from? crickets! what does that tell you OP? seek marriage/personal counseling, get on medication for depression if diagnosed, consult a financial advisor and attorney... the only thing you will "burn down" are YOUR OWN options

OP here.

There were a few. I probably should have posted in the 50 and over board.

Fwiw, I have asked him to go to counseling several times over the years to work on how we talk to each other (more specifically how he talks to me and the fact that I don't think he respects me). He basically refused to go because we have a "great marriage" and counseling is a bunch of mumbo jumbo and a waste of time and money

In retrospect I should have pushed it harder but I was busy at that time with other things.

Now I"m just over the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

hah, the one thing I'm stuck on is how OP and evil DH are still having sex once a week. I am (mostly) happily married and we only have sex about 1X/month. Life isn't fair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so where are all the BTDT peeps OP was looking for advice from? crickets! what does that tell you OP? seek marriage/personal counseling, get on medication for depression if diagnosed, consult a financial advisor and attorney... the only thing you will "burn down" are YOUR OWN options

OP here.

There were a few. I probably should have posted in the 50 and over board.

Fwiw, I have asked him to go to counseling several times over the years to work on how we talk to each other (more specifically how he talks to me and the fact that I don't think he respects me). He basically refused to go because we have a "great marriage" and counseling is a bunch of mumbo jumbo and a waste of time and money

In retrospect I should have pushed it harder but I was busy at that time with other things.

Now I"m just over the whole thing.

Well you would have to give better examples than he jokes in front of your kids about your SAT math score and the fact that he “made” you be a SAHM if you want real advice. How exactly did he prevent you from working, seeing as you work now? You had equal autonomy in the decision-making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that he thinks you have a great marriage and yet you are secretly planning to leave him?

Are ya’ll still having sex?

Because he’s emotionally clueless. I have told him several times over the years that I don’t think he respects me and that I don’t always like or appreciate the way he speaks to me. He always denies the lack of respect thing, his language improves, but then it always slips again. For instance, he loves to rub it in my face in front of our kids that they shouldn’t ask me for help on their math hw because he got such a higher score on the SATs. That’s genuinely his idea of a joke. I know he doesn’t really mean it spitefully (at least not completely) but I’m sick of overlooking that kind of thing. I’ve had enough.

Yes we’re still having sex bit not as often as we used to. Probably once a week.

Wow, I pray you have better examples than that. My wife and I tease each other all the time and you admit he doesn't mean it spitefully? You sound super resentful and clearly even things like that are scratching at your insides. I also can't help but wonder what HIS side of this whole story would sound like - since we're all assuming he's the horrible person you make him out to be

Dude that’s actually a really disrespectful thing to say and she said she even told him that it hurts her feelings and he still does it.

If you are saying shit like that to your wife on the reg, she might be secretly planning to dump you too.

Dear god, grow a thicker skin!!! First of all, her kids are 18 and 24 I think she said? How much math homework is being done that anyone can help with at this point?? Second of all, you could just as easily respond "that's true, come to me when you need help on [insert your area of expertise], that's where I'm a rock star." What's so hard about any of this?

Don’t most hs seniors take math? I thought that was what she was referring g to...you don’t think that’s terribly rude and mean? To degrade your wife in front of your kids?

Well, it's May. The kid is about to graduate. Most people, I don't care who they are, aren't that well equipped to help a high school senior with the kind of math they're doing. That's the "I'm never going to use this in real life" math. Plus, yes, grow a thicker skin. We're talking about SAT scores???!!! That you took 25 years ago? And you give a crap?

[Anonymous]

Look, maybe OP is right to want to divorce her husband. Maybe she's 100 percent justified and the guy has it coming. But her attitude is still spiteful and immature. She doesn't want to tell him she's so unhappy she's considering divorce, she just wants to drop the news on his one day and vanish, because "that will show him." She wants to refuse any money, because that will be a big "FU" to him. That is not the attitude of a mature person, and it's not going to have the results she wants. It's a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the fall. I’m sure it will be a huge shock as he knows nothing about this. But I’ve been thinking that I’m young enough to start over - I’m only 48. I could still meet someone. But more than that I just want to start my life over and live on my own terms. I never got to do that in my 20s. I’ve literally spent my entire adult life taking care of other people and I am so burned out. I just want to be selfish and live for myself now.

Anywhere here’s my real question. I’m thinking about waiving my right to my half of the assets (several million dollars, none of it earned by me) and all our stuff. I just don’t to bring want any of that stuff with me. My friend says this is literally insane but I can’t convince her why I don’t want any of that stuff, even the money. I want to start over like I’m 22. I have a good enough job to support myself.

Has anyone else been through this? Do you think I will regret the financial aspect? Friend says I should raise the possibility of separation first and ease into it. But honestly I just want to take the leap and feel the free fall. I just want to completely burn it down.

Anyone btdt who can talk me through this?

Hon, you are 48. You need to be content being alone or being happy just having a romp in the sack with some random, or if you want to settle down, a man who is 65. You are well past your prime.

Take the money, you will be alone.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if anyone has said this OP but if you are sure I would do it after your kid graduates not when they go away for college. Finding out parents that you think have been happily married your entire life are splitting up is really hard. Dumping that on her/him the second they walk out the door and are trying to fit into a totally new space can set them up to flame out and fail. Giving them a few months at home to come to terms with it before they're supposed to be 'on' doesn't feel like a kindness but likely is.

And as other PPs have said you would be a total idiot to not try to take some of the money. If you get money in the divorce he can't control you with it, its yours.

You do not want to saddle your 24 year old and 18 year old with your financial burdens as you age and that is what is likely to happen (I have watched this happen to my cousins mom). Taking the money isn't just smart it is also the responsible thing to do as a mother of two children.

Life is too short to be unhappy but you have too much of it left to be broke making 50k a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if anyone has said this OP but if you are sure I would do it after your kid graduates not when they go away for college. Finding out parents that you think have been happily married your entire life are splitting up is really hard. Dumping that on her/him the second they walk out the door and are trying to fit into a totally new space can set them up to flame out and fail. Giving them a few months at home to come to terms with it before they're supposed to be 'on' doesn't feel like a kindness but likely is.

And as other PPs have said you would be a total idiot to not try to take some of the money. If you get money in the divorce he can't control you with it, its yours.

You do not want to saddle your 24 year old and 18 year old with your financial burdens as you age and that is what is likely to happen (I have watched this happen to my cousins mom). Taking the money isn't just smart it is also the responsible thing to do as a mother of two children.

Life is too short to be unhappy but you have too much of it left to be broke making 50k a year.

Also OP. For whatever its worth you are about to enter a different phase of life with your kids. They are going to start seriously dating/marrying/procreating in the next 10 years. If you have an unbelievably acrimonious relationship with your ex you will make their lives awful. They will have to figure out things like, 'how do we seat mom and dad at the wedding, can they get along for that night?' and who gets to watch the grandkids and splitting up holidays. If you want to get the benefit of the doubt when they are making those decisions, then consider trying to divorce amicably.

My divorced parents basically didn't see or speak to each other for my ages 10-22, but the last 5 years of getting married and having kids have thrown them into each other's orbit regularly. The only thing you get by going about this with intentional cruelty will be a more difficult wound to heal when the families need to figure out how to come together when the times call for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, maybe OP is right to want to divorce her husband. Maybe she's 100 percent justified and the guy has it coming. But her attitude is still spiteful and immature. She doesn't want to tell him she's so unhappy she's considering divorce, she just wants to drop the news on his one day and vanish, because "that will show him." She wants to refuse any money, because that will be a big "FU" to him. That is not the attitude of a mature person, and it's not going to have the results she wants. It's a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Exactly. She deserves what she lived through and what's coming to her, relationship-wise. I have sympathy for doormats who can't think straight.

[Anonymous]

*no*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I know he would fight me on the money (as that's really all he cares about in life) and I don't to go through some long drawn out battle. He has occasionally made "jokes" that the reason we are not divorced is that it would be too expensive for him. Hardy har har.

I also feel like it would prevent him from having a reason to bad mouth me to people. If I just leave on my own and take nothing, he has no right to complain to anyone.

You're prepared to kill yourself, literally (sick people with no money die, OP), just so he can't make comments, and just so people don't gossip about you?

Your head is not screwed on the right way. You refuse to do the hard job, which is to EARN RESPECT.

I feel that not taking anything with me would be the biggest F*CK YOU I could ever give him. But you'd have to know us to understand. He has this image of me in his head that is not accurate - that I am a silly shallow spendthrift who is obsessed with having the "right" expensive furniture and clothing and jewelry and CC membership, etc. etc. And yet if you asked him, he would tell you we have a 9/10 or 10/10 marriage. I know this because I have asked him before. He thinks everything is great even though he has such a low opinion of me. It's just part of his patriarchal view of life. He makes dumb jokes about "wife math" and "divorce being too expensive" and honestly thinks they are funny when they're obviously offensive and insulting. But it's not even really about the money per se, it's about control. I had to push very hard to get the job that I have now. He kept saying he didn't understand why I'd want to work when we obviously don't need the money. Because I am planning to leave you, you ignorant ass.

Leaving everything behind, including the money, without a backwards glance would make him rethink every single thing about our marriage.

The truth is I don't feel a strong connection to any of that stuff. It's just stuff and I don't even want it anymore. I can't remember why I ever wanted it in the first place anymore.

You lost me here? Explain how the patriarchy is oppressing you as you obsess over expensive furniture and clothing and jewelry and CC membership, etc.etc. Your kids are leaving and you are adrift in the world. Seriously you may be mentally ill right now. Maybe you should try to seek out professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you are no spring chicken and you need to think about your retirement. Take your share and move on.

And invest it in bedazzling. You gotta be in it to win it: Sparkle like Meghan Markle! BOO-YA.

Who ARE you?