Planning to leave my husband once our youngest starts college

[Anonymous]

OP a headstrong friend did something similar. Had a few years of dating,zwirner living on hercteems. Then she lost her job, needed two surgeries and is living in a studio apt, hand to mouth. Her son has nowhere to sleep when he visits, so he stats with Dad and dad's new wife.

I suggest dividing assets but not making it a scorched Earth thing. For one thing, you have no idea whether his estate will go to the kids. My dad remarried and I just found out his younger wife insisted she is his beneficiary for pension and retirement acciunts. But hers goes to her nephews! Plus they bought property together which passes to her. So we expect that the bulk of his estate (3 m or so) goes to her, not to his kids or grandkids.my mom got about half of assets at the time of delivery, which has allowed her to have private health insurance and a roof over her head but not much more....

[Anonymous]

Sorry time of *divorce*
Terrible typos...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Can anyone here understand what it’s like when a man uses money to treat you like a child? He sees it as protecting me and giving me a comfortable life. I know that. I know he thinks we have a great marriage but that’s because he almost never looks at things from my perspective. I see now that he treats me like a child - it’s a form of control and I see that I allowed myself to be stunted.

While I sympathize with you, if you don’t take the money there is a very good chance that you won’t have enough to retire on and will end up burdening your children down the line. You want to start over like you are in your 20s but you need to accept that that time in your life is gone. Mourn that fact if you need to but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Can anyone here understand what it’s like when a man uses money to treat you like a child? He sees it as protecting me and giving me a comfortable life. I know that. I know he thinks we have a great marriage but that’s because he almost never looks at things from my perspective. I see now that he treats me like a child - it’s a form of control and I see that I allowed myself to be stunted.

While I sympathize with you, if you don’t take the money there is a very good chance that you won’t have enough to retire on and will end up burdening your children down the line. You want to start over like you are in your 20s but you need to accept that that time in your life is gone. Mourn that fact if you need to but it is what it is.

But OP you are acting like a child. Clearly your DH knows you aren't that smart when it comes to money. You see it as controlling but he probably sees it as keeping a roof over his families head. Honestly the fact that you would even consider somethign so dumb and impulsive as running out of a marraige with no assets just to make a point kind of proves that your DH is the smart and responsible one when it comes to grown up things like paying bills and saving for retirement. You need therapy and then you should thank your DH for making sure you have food on your table cause you are one clueless woman when it comes to things like PAYING for stuff.

[Anonymous]

Op. You are having a mid life crisis. Please seek therapy before you do anything. You say your DH treats you like a child but I have to say from what you posted you sound very childish. It sounds like the equivalent of when someone wants to leave a job by saying "take this job and shove it". Nice fantasy but smart grown ups do not act that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning to leave him a note?

Dear John,

See ya sucker!

Love,

your ex wife

lol

OP here. Kind of. I want to teach him what happens when you don't put any care or attention into your relationship and expect the other person to do all of the heavy lifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the fall. I’m sure it will be a huge shock as he knows nothing about this. But I’ve been thinking that I’m young enough to start over - I’m only 48. I could still meet someone. But more than that I just want to start my life over and live on my own terms. I never got to do that in my 20s. I’ve literally spent my entire adult life taking care of other people and I am so burned out. I just want to be selfish and live for myself now.

Anywhere here’s my real question. I’m thinking about waiving my right to my half of the assets (several million dollars, none of it earned by me) and all our stuff. I just don’t to bring want any of that stuff with me. My friend says this is literally insane but I can’t convince her why I don’t want any of that stuff, even the money. I want to start over like I’m 22. I have a good enough job to support myself.

Has anyone else been through this? Do you think I will regret the financial aspect? Friend says I should raise the possibility of separation first and ease into it. But honestly I just want to take the leap and feel the free fall. I just want to completely burn it down.

Anyone btdt who can talk me through this?

You are not 22. It will be tough finding a job. Age discrimination is real.

she has a job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning to leave him a note?

Dear John,

See ya sucker!

Love,

your ex wife

lol

OP here. Kind of. I want to teach him what happens when you don't put any care or attention into your relationship and expect the other person to do all of the heavy lifting.

jesus you sound dumber and more childish with each post. Yeah, run out of the marriage, he keeps all the money, and you are a poor old person dependent on your kids. He will be remarried in a nice house, a younger wife and your kids will resent your impulsive behavior. Yes, OP that will really show him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning to leave him a note?

Dear John,

See ya sucker!

Love,

your ex wife

lol

OP here. Kind of. I want to teach him what happens when you don't put any care or attention into your relationship and expect the other person to do all of the heavy lifting.

Well, apparently what happens is that you suddenly have more disposable income because your moron of an ex-wife ran off and refused to take her share of the assets because she thinks that she's 22 again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to go to counseling and see a financial advisor. You’re not thinking clearly.

Therapy first.

Why not have fun and start over *with* your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Can anyone here understand what it’s like when a man uses money to treat you like a child? He sees it as protecting me and giving me a comfortable life. I know that. I know he thinks we have a great marriage but that’s because he almost never looks at things from my perspective. I see now that he treats me like a child - it’s a form of control and I see that I allowed myself to be stunted.

While I sympathize with you, if you don’t take the money there is a very good chance that you won’t have enough to retire on and will end up burdening your children down the line. You want to start over like you are in your 20s but you need to accept that that time in your life is gone. Mourn that fact if you need to but it is what it is.

And don't assume that your kids will be on your side. If you run out as soon as they are out of the house, you are going to really mess them up. The people I know most devastated by their parents divorces were people who went off to college and then their parents split up. It was like they turned their back for a second and their home vanished, and they felt like their entire childhood was a lie. If your husband isn't abusive or cheating, and you tell your kids you ran off to "start my life over and live on my own terms," because you wanted to "be selfish" and pretend like you were in your 20s again -- well, they will likely agree that you are being selfish.

You say you want to "completely burn it down." There is no way to do that and not get singed yourself.

[Anonymous]

Np.

Why are you all sure she will get half of his assets? She said she didn't earn any of it and only started working very recently. It's not her money. Even she admits that.

She'll probably get something - maybe a share of their main residence, assuming it is sold. People don't really do alimony anymore and she has a job anyway.

People are talking about getting half of his 401k but I don't think she will get any of it. Judges don't do that anymore. It's her own fault if she has no retirement savings in her own name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Can anyone here understand what it’s like when a man uses money to treat you like a child? He sees it as protecting me and giving me a comfortable life. I know that. I know he thinks we have a great marriage but that’s because he almost never looks at things from my perspective. I see now that he treats me like a child - it’s a form of control and I see that I allowed myself to be stunted.

While I sympathize with you, if you don’t take the money there is a very good chance that you won’t have enough to retire on and will end up burdening your children down the line. You want to start over like you are in your 20s but you need to accept that that time in your life is gone. Mourn that fact if you need to but it is what it is.

And don't assume that your kids will be on your side. If you run out as soon as they are out of the house, you are going to really mess them up. The people I know most devastated by their parents divorces were people who went off to college and then their parents split up. It was like they turned their back for a second and their home vanished, and they felt like their entire childhood was a lie. If your husband isn't abusive or cheating, and you tell your kids you ran off to "start my life over and live on my own terms," because you wanted to "be selfish" and pretend like you were in your 20s again -- well, they will likely agree that you are being selfish.

You say you want to "completely burn it down." There is no way to do that and not get singed yourself.

Especially if they haven't had a hint of this, and it's as much a surprise to them as you hope it will be to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np.

Why are you all sure she will get half of his assets? She said she didn't earn any of it and only started working very recently. It's not her money. Even she admits that.

She'll probably get something - maybe a share of their main residence, assuming it is sold. People don't really do alimony anymore and she has a job anyway.

People are talking about getting half of his 401k but I don't think she will get any of it. Judges don't do that anymore. It's her own fault if she has no retirement savings in her own name.

+ 1

Everyone in this thread is so focused on the money. It's not her money! She's not entitled to any of it.

It's interesting that all anyone cares about is the $$$ and not that she's planning to just suddenly walk out one day and leave behind all her possessions and a completely clueless husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np.

Why are you all sure she will get half of his assets? She said she didn't earn any of it and only started working very recently. It's not her money. Even she admits that.

She'll probably get something - maybe a share of their main residence, assuming it is sold. People don't really do alimony anymore and she has a job anyway.

People are talking about getting half of his 401k but I don't think she will get any of it. Judges don't do that anymore. It's her own fault if she has no retirement savings in her own name.

Because most of the time assets acquired during the marriage are considered marital assets and divided between the couple. She is unlikely to get alimony, but she will get a share of the assets.