Planning to leave my husband once our youngest starts college

[Anonymous]

Many couples are at their lowest point after difficult "teen years." Give it at least six months to a year and see if your relationship begins to heal.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have absolutely been there and done that. I left my husband when my youngest graduated from high school. I turned down half of his retirement, we had no assets or savings, and I took about $20K in debt with me (we split it) even though he made about twice what I did at that time. Unlike you, we were not well off but were doing fine financially by our standards. We were renting in a top school division.

That was about 20 years ago. I have never regretted a moment of it. My kids were fine, they were old enough and mature enough to handle their parents splitting up. After a slightly rough first year my husband and I resumed being friends and we have been ever since.

I too make about $50K and live just fine on my own, inside the beltway, nice one BR apt in a nice area, decent vehicle, am planning my retirement in a few years.

The only thing I don't have is money in the bank. I will retire with a pension and SSI but it would be better if I had at least $50K in the bank. For that reason I advise you to think about taking a chunk of money with you to have in savings or invested in case of emergency or to aid in your retirement.

Even with that caveat (which many DCUMers would say is a catastrophe but I don't agree) I highly recommend you do exactly what you are saying you want to do. Except maybe take some cash with you, not a lot (based on how much you say he has) and then, enjoy the rest of your life. I certainly have!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I take the money I will still feel tied to him. He has used this money to control and limit me (pushing me into being a SAHM even after kids started school) all my adult life. I’m done.

I want to see his face when I tell him I don’t want it and I don’t need it.

Your story has holes. One second you have a good job and can support yourself and the other you have been s prisoner SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I nearly spit out my soda when I read that OPs "really great" job earns $50K. Where do you live, OP...Arkansas?? On what planet do you think you will go from a couple million in the bank to $50K a year and do just fine???

I know basically everyone else on this board has implored you to get counseling...but my (very) dark side would just like you to go forward with this ridiculous plan and please please please post an update two years after you have signed over your claim to any of "his" money (which, btw...if you stayed home, you likely helped build that wealth through lack of outside childcare payments and aiding his ability to focus solely on his millionaire career without the need to worry about taking time off for sick kids or school conferences or doctor's/dentist/orthodontist appointments) and tell us how you're doing on skid row.


Don't be a martyr, OP. (Even though you sound like you do that professionally already--he forced you into being a SAHM?...ya right!)

Planet SAHM who has no awareness of finances or the real world.

[Anonymous]

1. I have a hard time believing this thread is real, and that there aren't some sock-puppets on it.

2. If not a troll post, I am concerned for OP and the other posters who have supposedly been there and done that, in their declining years. Perhaps it's because I've been diagnosed with a chronic disease and I'm younger than OP, and have a keen sense of my own mortality and frailty because of it, but they do not seem to understand that money represents health, particularly in this country. And that an accident or the genetic lottery can take it all away, very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Assuming this post is real, OP, you have not mentioned once why you want to leave this marriage except for a desire to hopefully find someone new.

[Anonymous]

Op. Why can't you just start doing what you want while married? Just stop doing what you don't want to do, and start doing what you want. Who's going to stop you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ll have to pay 1/2 or the college tuition as well. Colleges look at the sum of income to determine need. If your exDH has all the money he will call all the shots, I’d take it as the “gotcha”. Also I understand you feel you need OUT. I just wish there was infidelity or some other reason I could support you leaving, as it is, I think you’ll regret it after the fog clears, especially if you’re 60 and broke and he’s living it up with his new wife (who’d live to be a sahw traveling with her new man)

DP is there a law saying that all parents have to pay for college that I missed? Did you see the last post about the person who paid for their college? If you can't afford it I don't see how anyone can force you to pay for anything extra, which is what college is ( although we will pay for our kids) food, clothing, roof over their heads but once you are 18 not sure legally what parents owe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I take the money I will still feel tied to him. He has used this money to control and limit me (pushing me into being a SAHM even after kids started school) all my adult life. I’m done.

I want to see his face when I tell him I don’t want it and I don’t need it.

that's precisely why you get the money. You said so yourself: YOU SPENT THE LAST 20 YEARS DOING THE BULK AMOUNT OF RAISING YOUR KIDS, TAKING CARE OF THE HOUSEHOLD AND TAKING CARE OF YOUR HUSBAND. Hopefully you also managed to take care of yourself, but then again, you say you're burned out and fed up.

You managed everything so he could advance in his career and workplace. TAKE THE MONEY. If in 20-30 years you want to give it away, do that instead.

And to top it off you were forced to be a SAHM, let me guess, so he would have even less to do for the household and family. No worries whilst you handled every single thing.

TAKE THE MONEY. Your satisfaction will come once you all sign the docs, and move out. Take a long vacation, find a new place, and continue to raise your children and reinvigorate your career and good friendships.

[Anonymous]

Take the money and sign it over in a trust to your son if you're that committed to not using it.

[Anonymous]

I’d say you earned some of that money, OP.
Raising a family, taking care of the house... take what’s yours. Post-divorce, he has absolutely no say in how you spend or save it. It’s yours.

[Anonymous]

I hope he kicks your sorry ass to the curb before your son goes to college. Trash.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had your problem OP. I want to leave my husband but there are no assets to split and I do not even have a decent job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really immature. Breaking up a family, even if the kids have started college, will have a significant impact on their lives and you are treating it like a “gotcha”.

I recommend therapy and a good dose of growing up.

Don’t listen to this PP. I completely understand where you are coming from. Take the leap, but also take the money you deserve. You have to realize you made sacrifices for his career and kids. It is also your money. He wouldn’t have been successful without you supporting the house and raising his kids.

I’m also sick of taking care of everyone else. I also have a similar exit strategy when my kids hit college age.
Only difference is I stayed employed the entire time simply so I won’t have a hard time re-entering the workforce. My husband is completely uninvolved with the kids. He does nothing but work and sleep. I’m miserable and so ready to be at a place in my life where I can finally be selfish like he has during our entire marriage.

Wow, what a bad guy. who knew that doing nothing but working and sleeping was selfish.

[Anonymous]

Great idea OP. Please convince my wife to follow in your footsteps.