DH’s sister is an addict

[Anonymous]

Hmmm...this is a very interesting thread. If anything, it highlights why this country is in the throes of an opioid crisis. I agree very much with OP that she shouldn't be imposed on in any way. The PP who suggested that OP and her husband attend meetings to hear about addiction is deluded. Why should OP take any more precious time to understand her SIL's stupidity? Yes, maybe OP is petty about splitting meal payments etc. but I think that's natural since she knows about how her in-laws are being squeezed by their parasite daughter. Why should she and her husband pick up the slack just because they make the $$ in the family? It's kinda f-ed up I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

OP here. If this is so, then your unrealistic advice makes sense. Easy to advocate unfailing “compassion” for those who don’t deserve it when you’re not the one being taken advantage of for years.

Among SIL’s greatest hits are stealing from elderly relatives and getting so high at my wedding that a bunch of relatives had to set aside their participation to restrain and take care of her. She also stole her mother’s wedding ring and blamed the house cleaner, who got arrested for it. She is awful.

+1

It's easy to lecture "compassion" from her high horse just like it's easy to be generous with other people's money. Don't listen to these codependent idiots. Hold firm against the addict and all her enablers.

It is ridiculous how many people are falling in around 'support the addict'. But I suspect there are a lot of low-key 'oh I just pop a pill to get through a hard weekend' or 'I drink two glasses a night but its fine' moms on here. Functioning alcoholics and addicts themselves who are a a few years away from being labelled the same as the SIL in this narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Interesting you said "chose to throw her life away" as though there is no possible redemption for her. Addicts do recover all the time, many without benefit of rehab. Family, or someone who acts like family, stepping in with real help, not enabling, is almost always the way it happens, together, often, with lots of NA.

Your in-laws are enabling and expecting you to do the same. You need to have a heart to heart discussion with them about it and tell them you will not participate in enabling. They could really benefit from some Naranon meetings and you or your DH should offer to take them.

From there the steps are clear. What is it about your background that has you jump to writing off a human being, especially one to whom you are related, instead of a more constructive and human approach?

Oh, and yes, I have been there and done that.

OP here. I asked you how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis. You responded with more rambling about what a saint you are for putting the addict in law back together. Clearly, you want kudos. So, applause, applause, applause. Take a bow. I am not taking what little free time I have in my life after handling my responsibilities and problems to fight the addiction battle for SIL AND fight the denial battle for MIL/FIL. If that makes me a bad person, I’ll be bad every day of my life.

NP. Wow OP, you are nasty. I agree that you will likely lose your husband if you don't stop making this completely about YOUR (not DH's too?) precious money, unless he's as callous as you where his family is concerned. That said, here's the answer to your question: your only have two options for not financially supporting SIL or the ILs supporting her are to 1) sit down with them now, lay out that you will not take this on in no uncertain terms (obvs with your DH on board), and then basically walk away. Stop being petty over the occasional meal, but when any other hints come up, shut it down with a "we've already made our position clear." Ideally this comes from your DH. Be prepared for his relationship with all the ILs to be damaged as a result.

2) The only other option is for your SIL to get clean, heading off the need for continued financial assistance. The best way to do that is to get the ILs to recignize they are enabling her, cut off the enabling and support, and allow her to hit her rock bottom which is the only way to get HER to want to make the change. You say it's not your responsibility to deal with her addiction, but if you actually want to avoid financial responsibilities for her in the future without losing the family, you may have to. Obviously if you and DH don't care about that, go with option 1 above. Sorry, but there isn't a magical third option where you let SIL drown and then do the same with the ILs after they've used up their own resources, and still get to play happy family otherwise. So make your choice and own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recommend that you attend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon, 12 step groups for friends and families of addicts. This problem is not going to go away and you'll need support. Plus the family dynamics are no doubt affecting your husband, even though he isn't the one with the problem. You can see this train wreck coming at you so get help now.

Good luck with all this. My brother became disabled and my sister and I helped support him financially. I had thought he was sober and when I realized he was drinking again, I went back to Al-Anon meetings (had gone years ago due to parents' use). My brother eventually died of alcoholism but the meetings were a great help and I continue to go for general support in dealing with my own co-dependency issues.

Are their atheist groups in Al-Anon or Nar-Alon?

[Anonymous]

OP, here is your real life anecdote. I was never in a position to financially support the addicts in our family and still am not - not that I would. If they don't want help then there is nothing you can do and you don't need to be a part of it. Everyone will talk about getting the person help and some may even try but it is useless if they are unwilling. Eventually something will give. It will be an accident or failing health or both and they will die. That's what everyone is waiting around for. That's the out. It will end when they die and people will reach out to her just enough to make themselves feel better but it won't matter because she doesn't want help. So only two outcomes to this, and I'm all for your hard-lined approach. 1) She hits rock bottom and gets real help. 2) She hits rock bottom and dies - this is the most likely. You're going to have to deal with the aftermath of this for the rest of your life so tread lightly with interested parties.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy or divorce. You clearly have hit rock bottom in your relationship with the in-laws, and your husband is on their side.

The rest of the stuff: babysitting, family dinners is just noise. He has chosen his family, who you loathe with every fiber of your being, over you. That's where you need to focus. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd try not to worry about the small stuff. Continue to split the tab for family dinners and don't let it get to you. Use your efforts to deal with the big lurking issue: you needing to support your in-laws because they've drained their bank accounts to support your SIL. That needs to be 100% your concern. Set up boundaries now and stick to them. Everything else is minor.

This. The dinners are a red herring. You're pissed about them because they are a symptom of the larger problem--your in-laws are in denial about how serious your SIL's addiction is, and they are providing her financial support that they cannot sustain. Focus on that.

And here's the thing--you can have sympathy for SIL and the in-laws, even as you disagree with how they handle it. Addiction is real, and it's really hard to break it. And watching your child struggle with addiction has to be one of the most heartbreaking things imaginable. They are probably terrified about what is going to happen to her. What if they cut her off and something terrible happened? Can you imagine the guilt? They are invested in thinking that she's better because they are scared. You can think that someone is making bad choices and still feel empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what were you hoping to hear when you started this thread?

OP here. I wanted real life anecdotes from people who are or have been in similar situations. I did not want and am not interested in suggestions to sympathize and financially support an addict coming from posters who have never been in this position. I think the poster who doesn’t know any addicts and yet keeps posting links about how “complex” addiction is is being a twit.

Sympathy =/= financial support. Sympathy means that you approach this with the understanding that this is your husband's family, and this is hard for them. You don't care if your SIL ends up homeless or overdoses, but they do. They are afraid for her. They don't know how to help her. You don't love her, but they do. If you come at this with nothing but disdain for her and for your in-laws, you and your husband are going to have a hard time figuring this out. She's a lazy mooch to you, but she's his sister. They are enabling morons to you, but they are his parents. Even if you don't love her or them, hopefully you love your husband, and this has to be hard for him. If you just make it about the money and about what his sister deserves....I foresee problems.

[Anonymous]

The parents are enabling your SIL through their denial and financing of her addiction. They're ultimately going to be responsible for her death. I'm with you OP - I wouldn't add a penny of my money to helping them to speed up the process. I really think your entire family could benefit from some therapy in dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what were you hoping to hear when you started this thread?

OP here. I wanted real life anecdotes from people who are or have been in similar situations. I did not want and am not interested in suggestions to sympathize and financially support an addict coming from posters who have never been in this position. I think the poster who doesn’t know any addicts and yet keeps posting links about how “complex” addiction is is being a twit.

Sympathy =/= financial support. Sympathy means that you approach this with the understanding that this is your husband's family, and this is hard for them. You don't care if your SIL ends up homeless or overdoses, but they do. They are afraid for her. They don't know how to help her. You don't love her, but they do. If you come at this with nothing but disdain for her and for your in-laws, you and your husband are going to have a hard time figuring this out. She's a lazy mooch to you, but she's his sister. They are enabling morons to you, but they are his parents. Even if you don't love her or them, hopefully you love your husband, and this has to be hard for him. If you just make it about the money and about what his sister deserves....I foresee problems.

I would have distain for SIL and the ILs too. Do you read? Did you catch the part where SIL stole jewelry and subsequently framed the cleaner which got the cleaner arrested? SIL is a piece of sh*t and can't overdose soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

OP here. If this is so, then your unrealistic advice makes sense. Easy to advocate unfailing “compassion” for those who don’t deserve it when you’re not the one being taken advantage of for years.

Among SIL’s greatest hits are stealing from elderly relatives and getting so high at my wedding that a bunch of relatives had to set aside their participation to restrain and take care of her. She also stole her mother’s wedding ring and blamed the house cleaner, who got arrested for it. She is awful.

+1

It's easy to lecture "compassion" from her high horse just like it's easy to be generous with other people's money. Don't listen to these codependent idiots. Hold firm against the addict and all her enablers.

It is ridiculous how many people are falling in around 'support the addict'. But I suspect there are a lot of low-key 'oh I just pop a pill to get through a hard weekend' or 'I drink two glasses a night but its fine' moms on here. Functioning alcoholics and addicts themselves who are a a few years away from being labelled the same as the SIL in this narrative.

Quite possibly. Also there are a lot of older UMC moms with addict kids who got recreationally hooked, and they're desperate to believe their over-coddled snowflakes (and themselves) aren't at fault for being addicts.

[Anonymous]

You need your DH on board first and foremost. And he should deliver any boundaries to his parents/sister himself.

We have a similar situation, though it's not as clear cut as drug abuse. But my DH's family supports his sister and her endless terrible choices. They enable her to live like she is 16, despite having a child of her own. It's endless. My SIL has no desire to be independent, but complains about her parents being "so involved" in her life. Err, yeah, they pay your bills, so they are pretty involved. Best way out: pay your own bills!

Before I even married DH I could see the dynamic. And I made it clear we would NEVER be supporting the cycle. Aka: no supporting his parents while they are enabling her and NO support to her, ever. EVER. Not a dime. He was completely 100% on board and still is.

Now, we haven't quite gotten to my inlaws being too old to work yet. I'm nervous when that happens because now they can lie about stuff all the time and it's their money to do what they want with. But I'm nervous.

However, I'll hold firm. Why? I refuse to take money away from MY CHILDREN to support this toxic cycle. And that's exactly what it would be, taking money from my kid's college fund, or our ability to take a family vacation, etc. I will not let them use our good financial planning against us. We've made good choices, and I will not be guilted into compensating for my SIL's shitty choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Interesting you said "chose to throw her life away" as though there is no possible redemption for her. Addicts do recover all the time, many without benefit of rehab. Family, or someone who acts like family, stepping in with real help, not enabling, is almost always the way it happens, together, often, with lots of NA.

Your in-laws are enabling and expecting you to do the same. You need to have a heart to heart discussion with them about it and tell them you will not participate in enabling. They could really benefit from some Naranon meetings and you or your DH should offer to take them.

From there the steps are clear. What is it about your background that has you jump to writing off a human being, especially one to whom you are related, instead of a more constructive and human approach?

Oh, and yes, I have been there and done that.

OP here. I asked you how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis. You responded with more rambling about what a saint you are for putting the addict in law back together. Clearly, you want kudos. So, applause, applause, applause. Take a bow. I am not taking what little free time I have in my life after handling my responsibilities and problems to fight the addiction battle for SIL AND fight the denial battle for MIL/FIL. If that makes me a bad person, I’ll be bad every day of my life.

NP. Wow OP, you are nasty. I agree that you will likely lose your husband if you don't stop making this completely about YOUR (not DH's too?) precious money, unless he's as callous as you where his family is concerned. That said, here's the answer to your question: your only have two options for not financially supporting SIL or the ILs supporting her are to 1) sit down with them now, lay out that you will not take this on in no uncertain terms (obvs with your DH on board), and then basically walk away. Stop being petty over the occasional meal, but when any other hints come up, shut it down with a "we've already made our position clear." Ideally this comes from your DH. Be prepared for his relationship with all the ILs to be damaged as a result.

2) The only other option is for your SIL to get clean, heading off the need for continued financial assistance. The best way to do that is to get the ILs to recignize they are enabling her, cut off the enabling and support, and allow her to hit her rock bottom which is the only way to get HER to want to make the change. You say it's not your responsibility to deal with her addiction, but if you actually want to avoid financial responsibilities for her in the future without losing the family, you may have to. Obviously if you and DH don't care about that, go with option 1 above. Sorry, but there isn't a magical third option where you let SIL drown and then do the same with the ILs after they've used up their own resources, and still get to play happy family otherwise. So make your choice and own it.

NP here. Sorry, but this is ridiculous. Being unwilling to subsidize the retirement of two people who *would have* been comfortably retired but for that fact that they throw money at an addict, to the detriment of OP's kids, and their education, is not callous. Her ILs have basically said they are fine spending OP's family's money on their daughter, but that's not their decision to make.