DH’s sister is an addict

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

I know this is a comforting mantra for some of you enablers but I 100% disagree that "addicts have a disease." It's very convenient that SIL "being sick" allows you to ignore the fact SHE GOT A CLEANING LADY ARRESTED for something she did. This is not a disease. This is a piece of shit sub human and many other addicts are just like her. Be as delusional as you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

I know this is a comforting mantra for some of you enablers but I 100% disagree that "addicts have a disease." It's very convenient that SIL "being sick" allows you to ignore the fact SHE GOT A CLEANING LADY ARRESTED for something she did. This is not a disease. This is a piece of shit sub human and many other addicts are just like her. Be as delusional as you want.

LOL. I am not delusional at all, nor do I think that behavior is acceptable. It is possible to be compassionate and also not be an enabler. I hope that OP can figure that out, even if you can't. Since her children have a family history of addiction, there is an increased possibility that her children will struggle with this, too, in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

I know this is a comforting mantra for some of you enablers but I 100% disagree that "addicts have a disease." It's very convenient that SIL "being sick" allows you to ignore the fact SHE GOT A CLEANING LADY ARRESTED for something she did. This is not a disease. This is a piece of shit sub human and many other addicts are just like her. Be as delusional as you want.

LOL. I am not delusional at all, nor do I think that behavior is acceptable. It is possible to be compassionate and also not be an enabler. I hope that OP can figure that out, even if you can't. Since her children have a family history of addiction, there is an increased possibility that her children will struggle with this, too, in the future.

The real question is why you're so obsessed with pushing your "nuanced thinking" and "compassion" BS on OP who has clearly struggled with the havoc that the addict in her family causes. Do you do the same thing to people who have racists and abusers in their family? Get lost!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

I know this is a comforting mantra for some of you enablers but I 100% disagree that "addicts have a disease." It's very convenient that SIL "being sick" allows you to ignore the fact SHE GOT A CLEANING LADY ARRESTED for something she did. This is not a disease. This is a piece of shit sub human and many other addicts are just like her. Be as delusional as you want.

Good for you. Do you also disagree that diabetes is a disease? Hypertension? Depression? Pancreatitis? The science on these matters is clear. The only delusional one is you.

And that doesn't mean you don't set boundaries, or that the OP should pay for her SIL. You can understand the science and still stick to your boundaries. But seriously, this kind of scientific ignorance is a major, major problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

If all OP was being expected to provide was empathy, I don't think we'd be seeing this post. She's being slowly but quietly pressed to go along with her in laws and husband enabling the addict, which is why she's angry. It's not as if they're asking for financial help with rehab - they're in denial about the problem and just throwing money at the sister, which allows her to keep using.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

I know this is a comforting mantra for some of you enablers but I 100% disagree that "addicts have a disease." It's very convenient that SIL "being sick" allows you to ignore the fact SHE GOT A CLEANING LADY ARRESTED for something she did. This is not a disease. This is a piece of shit sub human and many other addicts are just like her. Be as delusional as you want.

Good for you. Do you also disagree that diabetes is a disease? Hypertension? Depression? Pancreatitis? The science on these matters is clear. The only delusional one is you.

And that doesn't mean you don't set boundaries, or that the OP should pay for her SIL. You can understand the science and still stick to your boundaries. But seriously, this kind of scientific ignorance is a major, major problem.

Are you a moron? How does this in anyway prove or disprove what I said? You are so desperate to justify the enabling in your own life and projection your issues allll over this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

If all OP was being expected to provide was empathy, I don't think we'd be seeing this post. She's being slowly but quietly pressed to go along with her in laws and husband enabling the addict, which is why she's angry. It's not as if they're asking for financial help with rehab - they're in denial about the problem and just throwing money at the sister, which allows her to keep using.

OP is in denial about her husband's role in this. If the two of them can't get on the same page, she is just banging her head against the wall. I don;t think she's mentioned her husband at all in this, except to say that he tells her to "be nice."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...this is a very interesting thread. If anything, it highlights why this country is in the throes of an opioid crisis. I agree very much with OP that she shouldn't be imposed on in any way. The PP who suggested that OP and her husband attend meetings to hear about addiction is deluded. Why should OP take any more precious time to understand her SIL's stupidity? Yes, maybe OP is petty about splitting meal payments etc. but I think that's natural since she knows about how her in-laws are being squeezed by their parasite daughter. Why should she and her husband pick up the slack just because they make the $$ in the family? It's kinda f-ed up I think.

Uh, the reason one attends meetings is to get support for *not* enabling the addict. You might want to educate yourself about 12-step programs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recommend that you attend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon, 12 step groups for friends and families of addicts. This problem is not going to go away and you'll need support. Plus the family dynamics are no doubt affecting your husband, even though he isn't the one with the problem. You can see this train wreck coming at you so get help now.

Good luck with all this. My brother became disabled and my sister and I helped support him financially. I had thought he was sober and when I realized he was drinking again, I went back to Al-Anon meetings (had gone years ago due to parents' use). My brother eventually died of alcoholism but the meetings were a great help and I continue to go for general support in dealing with my own co-dependency issues.

Are their atheist groups in Al-Anon or Nar-Alon?

These groups have an emphasis on spirituality in the 12-steps but there's no requirement to be a believer in any religion. People pretty much take what they need from the meetings and leave the rest. Some people think of the "Higher Power" as God. Other people think of the "Higher Power" as the group conscience. As they say, you can decide the Higher Power is a door knob if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...this is a very interesting thread. If anything, it highlights why this country is in the throes of an opioid crisis. I agree very much with OP that she shouldn't be imposed on in any way. The PP who suggested that OP and her husband attend meetings to hear about addiction is deluded. Why should OP take any more precious time to understand her SIL's stupidity? Yes, maybe OP is petty about splitting meal payments etc. but I think that's natural since she knows about how her in-laws are being squeezed by their parasite daughter. Why should she and her husband pick up the slack just because they make the $$ in the family? It's kinda f-ed up I think.

Uh, the reason one attends meetings is to get support for *not* enabling the addict. You might want to educate yourself about 12-step programs.

DP. I personally think Op's in a great place psychologically with regard to SIL, as in she doesn't participate in any of the bullsh*t that Codependents play in when they deal with addicts. She doesn't need a 12 step program to "teach" her to be less codependent.

It is quite telling, however, how many codependence sufferers so desperately try to guilt and shame OP into joining their ranks. You are a bunch of wackos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

Addicts have a disease that causes them to do terrible things to themselves and others. Many of us on this thread are capable of hating the disease while still having empathy for those who are suffering, including the parents and the sister as well as OP. Sorry this kind of nuanced thinking escapes you.

different poster here. I agree that OP could benefit by working on her attitude but I don't get the personal attacks coming from some of the posters here. She's got good reason to be mad. She's in a difficult situation. Don't know why people are going after her anger. Yeah, she should work on it but, seriously? I've been where she is and it's damned hard to deal with. Give her a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...this is a very interesting thread. If anything, it highlights why this country is in the throes of an opioid crisis. I agree very much with OP that she shouldn't be imposed on in any way. The PP who suggested that OP and her husband attend meetings to hear about addiction is deluded. Why should OP take any more precious time to understand her SIL's stupidity? Yes, maybe OP is petty about splitting meal payments etc. but I think that's natural since she knows about how her in-laws are being squeezed by their parasite daughter. Why should she and her husband pick up the slack just because they make the $$ in the family? It's kinda f-ed up I think.

Uh, the reason one attends meetings is to get support for *not* enabling the addict. You might want to educate yourself about 12-step programs.

DP. I personally think Op's in a great place psychologically with regard to SIL, as in she doesn't participate in any of the bullsh*t that Codependents play in when they deal with addicts. She doesn't need a 12 step program to "teach" her to be less codependent.

It is quite telling, however, how many codependence sufferers so desperately try to guilt and shame OP into joining their ranks. You are a bunch of wackos.

She's at the right place - not wanting to subsidize the sister - but I bet all this is driving her crazy. 12-step groups can help people do what needs to be done without ruminating and going crazy over it. They're helpful that way. But, if you think OP has got it all figured out and that she can't learn anything from anyone else...well there's no arguing with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...this is a very interesting thread. If anything, it highlights why this country is in the throes of an opioid crisis. I agree very much with OP that she shouldn't be imposed on in any way. The PP who suggested that OP and her husband attend meetings to hear about addiction is deluded. Why should OP take any more precious time to understand her SIL's stupidity? Yes, maybe OP is petty about splitting meal payments etc. but I think that's natural since she knows about how her in-laws are being squeezed by their parasite daughter. Why should she and her husband pick up the slack just because they make the $$ in the family? It's kinda f-ed up I think.

Uh, the reason one attends meetings is to get support for *not* enabling the addict. You might want to educate yourself about 12-step programs.

DP. I personally think Op's in a great place psychologically with regard to SIL, as in she doesn't participate in any of the bullsh*t that Codependents play in when they deal with addicts. She doesn't need a 12 step program to "teach" her to be less codependent.

It is quite telling, however, how many codependence sufferers so desperately try to guilt and shame OP into joining their ranks. You are a bunch of wackos.

She's at the right place - not wanting to subsidize the sister - but I bet all this is driving her crazy. 12-step groups can help people do what needs to be done without ruminating and going crazy over it. They're helpful that way. But, if you think OP has got it all figured out and that she can't learn anything from anyone else...well there's no arguing with you.

Right? I mean, the whole reason OP was posting here was because she has everything all figured out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have tons of sympathy for victims of the opioid crisis. But, enabling is not helping. Close your wallet and avoid these situations.

OP here - the majority of opioid addicts got the drugs from friends and relatives, not doctors. I am not even sure why they deserve sympathy for self-induced addictions. Reality is hard to deal with and some people choose the easy way out.

Yes, you are very correct OP: opioid addicts by and large get their drugs from friends and relatives. AND there are definite precursors to this that set folks up for addiction. From Scientific American:
“If we want to reduce opioid addiction, we have to target the real risk factors for it: child trauma, mental illness and unemployment. Two thirds of people with opioid addictions have had at least one severely traumatic childhood experience, and the greater your exposure to different types of trauma, the higher the risk becomes. We need to help abused, neglected and otherwise traumatized children before they turn to drugs for self-medicatation when they hit their teens.”

I would invite you to try to set aside some of your anger and judgment. No one wakes up and decides to be an addict. Your husband and his sister grew up in the same household, but each of them had their own experience. I would bet my paycheck that there was trauma of some kind. Each of us can react to trauma in our own, different way.
By no means am I saying that you should be supporting her financially. What I’m saying is that this is more complex than a lapse in character.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/opioid-addiction-is-a-huge-problem-but-pain-prescriptions-are-not-the-cause/

Oh get over yourself. I'm sure some addicts had traumatic backgrounds but so many are overly-coddled, hedonistic over-grown children. Stop romanticizing these losers.

+1. I can never get why addicts who didn't have any health problems want to do these things to themselves. It's one thing if it was some Baby Boomer who was recovering from surgery who got addicted to painkillers but all these supposedly young addicts who just experimented out of stupidity? No.

Did you even read the quoted article? Clearly not because your post shows a gross misunderstanding of what’s been going on.
Childhood trauma/abuse/mental illness untreated can lead to seeking out recreational drug/alcohol use as a teen to deal with aforementioned trauma/abuse/mental illness that then can lead to opioid addiction as a young adult.

The healthy person with no untreated trauma/abuse/mental illness has back surgery and is given opioids is HIGHLY unlikely to get addicted.
However the physically healthy young person may be just that, but have a whole host of mental health issues that are untreated. The likelihood of that seemingly “healthy” young person getting addicted to opioids with just a little bit of use is quite high.

You sound like a massive enabler/excuse maker. Why are you even on this thread? Do you want OP to start funneling money to her addict SIL through her in laws? Just cut your high horse BS already.

Where are you getting that from her post? She’s not recommending that OP support her SIL. I’m wondering if you are sock-puppeting.

Hey moron, do you even know what sock-puppeting means?

I wonder at all the posters urging OP to "understand" her SIL better or to have more sympathy for her. To what end? Addicts are takers, losers and selfish to the core. The more distance you can put between yourself and an addict, the better.

I suspect most of you posting these passive aggressive "addiction is complex" BS posts are yourselves codependent with addicts in your own lives, and you just can't stand that OP has such a healthy distance from her addict SIL.

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

Different poster than any of the above. But +1

Another NP, +1.

[Anonymous]

Question for the OP:

What is your husband's position on this? Is he onboard with their idea that you will financially support them in the future?

If the 2 of you are one the same page, you are good.