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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Interesting you said "chose to throw her life away" as though there is no possible redemption for her.  Addicts do recover all the time, many without benefit of rehab.  Family, or someone who acts like family, stepping in with real help, not enabling, is almost always the way it happens, together, often, with lots of NA.

Your in-laws are enabling and expecting you to do the same.  You need to have a heart to heart discussion with them about it and tell them you will not participate in enabling.  They could really benefit from some Naranon meetings and you or your DH should offer to take them.

From there the steps are clear.  What is it about your background that has you jump to writing off a human being, especially one to whom you are related, instead of a more constructive and human approach?

Oh, and yes, I have been there and done that.  [/quote]
OP here. I asked you how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis. You responded with more rambling about what a saint you are for putting the addict in law back together. Clearly, you want kudos. So, applause, applause, applause. Take a bow. I am not taking what little free time I have in my life after handling my responsibilities and problems to fight the addiction battle for SIL AND fight the denial battle for MIL/FIL. If that makes me a bad person, I’ll be bad every day of my life.[/quote]

NP.  Wow OP, you are nasty. I agree that you will likely lose your husband [b]if you don't stop making this completely about YOUR (not DH's too?) precious money, unless he's as callous as you where his family is concerned. [/b]That said, here's the answer to your question: your only have two options for not financially supporting SIL or the ILs supporting her are to 1) sit down with them now, lay out that you will not take this on in no uncertain terms (obvs with your DH on board), and then basically walk away. Stop being petty over the occasional meal, but when any other hints come up, shut it down with a "we've already made our position clear." Ideally this comes from your DH. Be prepared for his relationship with all the ILs to be damaged as a result.

2) The only other option is for your SIL to get clean, heading off the need for continued financial assistance. The best way to do that is to get the ILs to recignize they are enabling her, cut off the enabling and support, and allow her to hit her rock bottom which is the only way to get HER to want to make the change. You say it's not your responsibility to deal with her addiction, but if you actually want to avoid financial responsibilities for her in the future without losing the family, you may have to. Obviously if you and DH don't care about that, go with option 1 above. Sorry, but there isn't a magical third option where you let SIL drown and then do the same with the ILs after they've used up their own resources, and still get to play happy family otherwise. So make your choice and own it.[/quote]

NP here.  Sorry, but this is ridiculous.  Being unwilling to subsidize the retirement of two people who *would have* been comfortably retired but for that fact that they throw money at an addict, to the detriment of OP's kids, and their education, is not callous.  Her ILs have basically said they are fine spending OP's family's money on their daughter, but that's not their decision to make.  [/quote]

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