DH’s sister is an addict

[Anonymous]

And I am really short on sympathy for her.

It is impossible to avoid her because she lives a block from her parents in an apartment that they pay for. They are struggling financially from poor decisions and then also carrying the burden of supporting her. They alternate between denial and brief acknowledgement of her problem during acute incidents, followed by more denial. Right now, we are all supposed to be pretending that her problems are behind her because she went to a few therapy sessions. Nevermind that she shows up to get togethers with her pupils all messed up and either extremely talkative or very depressed.

I am happy to mind my own business, except that we have to pay her way every time she shows up to family dinners because she eats up and then bert stares the bill. My in-laws then suggest to DH and I that we split the bill down the middle with them. There is also the fact that my in-laws are starting to make noises about how they will need help because they don’t have much money. The amounts they are spending on her are going to become my problem when I either refuse to help them financially or agree and stew resentfully.

Every now and then, my in-laws complain to us that we don’t let my sister-in-law babysit our children. I think they must be the most stupid idiots alive to think I’ll let a druggie babysit unsupervised, but I can’t say that. It also doesn’t help that they are always telling me about her problems and trying to elicit sympathy. My lack of sympathy has apparently not gone unnoticed and they have been bad mouthing me as coldhearted.

I want to stop subsidizing her meals and endless drinks when she shows up to get togethers and I want to tell my in laws she is still on drugs and I don’t want to hear about their issues anymore. DH wants me to keep being “nice.”

What to do?

[Anonymous]

What kind of druggie is she? Does she shoot up? Or is she like Nurse Jackie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of druggie is she? Does she shoot up? Or is she like Nurse Jackie?

I don’t know how bad it has gotten and I don’t want to find out. I know that she was stealing to support an Oxy and Xanax habit. My in-laws like to downplay things, so if they admitted that much to me, I would not be surprised if she is a lot further along in her addiction. I think that they are supporting her as a way of giving her money so she does not have to steal or sell herself to support her drug habit. It is sick.

[Anonymous]

It’s unclear that you are in a financial position to help. But if your in laws do need financial help, and you decide to help, bills should only be paid directly to the vendor. No cash/checks should be given directly to them. Groceries can be delivered to them.

[Anonymous]

But why should OP have to help her in-laws when they put themselves in a financial black hole because of DH's sister's drug habit?

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't be helping those in-laws. Unless they were going to leave DH a large inheritance, which sounds unlikely. You have no incentive to be nice to such ignorant doormats.

[Anonymous]

I have tons of sympathy for victims of the opioid crisis. But, enabling is not helping. Close your wallet and avoid these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why should OP have to help her in-laws when they put themselves in a financial black hole because of DH's sister's drug habit?

OP here - This is my exact stance. Why should my ability to help or not help have anything to do with it? I haven’t been working hard all this time to put it in their pockets. I come from an abusive family and could have used that as an excuse to be running around doing drugs too. Instead, I built a financial future for myself working long hours. Why should I be deprived of what I have earned because other people refuse to work hard and make good choices?

[Anonymous]

ILs: I don’t know why you don’t ask Madge to watch the kids. She’d be great with them.
You: Thanks, we’ve got it covered. Do you think it’s going to rain later?

Now your nuclear option could be:
ILs: I don’t know why you don’t ask Madge to watch the kids. She’d be great with them.
You: Thanks, we’ve got it covered. But if she were to sit for them, we’d need at least 3 clean random drug tests before even entertaining the idea of trusting her to be safe and appropriate with our children. Do you think it’s going to rain later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have tons of sympathy for victims of the opioid crisis. But, enabling is not helping. Close your wallet and avoid these situations.

OP here - the majority of opioid addicts got the drugs from friends and relatives, not doctors. I am not even sure why they deserve sympathy for self-induced addictions. Reality is hard to deal with and some people choose the easy way out.

[Anonymous]

They're crazy and bending over backwards to deny their daughter's drug problems. Unless you play along with that, you WILL be the bad guy. So be the bad guy. Embrace it. Put up firm boundaries, and get your DH on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have tons of sympathy for victims of the opioid crisis. But, enabling is not helping. Close your wallet and avoid these situations.

OP here - the majority of opioid addicts got the drugs from friends and relatives, not doctors. I am not even sure why they deserve sympathy for self-induced addictions. Reality is hard to deal with and some people choose the easy way out.

Yes, you are very correct OP: opioid addicts by and large get their drugs from friends and relatives. AND there are definite precursors to this that set folks up for addiction. From Scientific American:
“If we want to reduce opioid addiction, we have to target the real risk factors for it: child trauma, mental illness and unemployment. Two thirds of people with opioid addictions have had at least one severely traumatic childhood experience, and the greater your exposure to different types of trauma, the higher the risk becomes. We need to help abused, neglected and otherwise traumatized children before they turn to drugs for self-medicatation when they hit their teens.”

I would invite you to try to set aside some of your anger and judgment. No one wakes up and decides to be an addict. Your husband and his sister grew up in the same household, but each of them had their own experience. I would bet my paycheck that there was trauma of some kind. Each of us can react to trauma in our own, different way.
By no means am I saying that you should be supporting her financially. What I’m saying is that this is more complex than a lapse in character.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/opioid-addiction-is-a-huge-problem-but-pain-prescriptions-are-not-the-cause/

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd try not to worry about the small stuff. Continue to split the tab for family dinners and don't let it get to you. Use your efforts to deal with the big lurking issue: you needing to support your in-laws because they've drained their bank accounts to support your SIL. That needs to be 100% your concern. Set up boundaries now and stick to them. Everything else is minor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have tons of sympathy for victims of the opioid crisis. But, enabling is not helping. Close your wallet and avoid these situations.

OP here - the majority of opioid addicts got the drugs from friends and relatives, not doctors. I am not even sure why they deserve sympathy for self-induced addictions. Reality is hard to deal with and some people choose the easy way out.

Yes, you are very correct OP: opioid addicts by and large get their drugs from friends and relatives. AND there are definite precursors to this that set folks up for addiction. From Scientific American:
“If we want to reduce opioid addiction, we have to target the real risk factors for it: child trauma, mental illness and unemployment. Two thirds of people with opioid addictions have had at least one severely traumatic childhood experience, and the greater your exposure to different types of trauma, the higher the risk becomes. We need to help abused, neglected and otherwise traumatized children before they turn to drugs for self-medicatation when they hit their teens.”

I would invite you to try to set aside some of your anger and judgment. No one wakes up and decides to be an addict. Your husband and his sister grew up in the same household, but each of them had their own experience. I would bet my paycheck that there was trauma of some kind. Each of us can react to trauma in our own, different way.
By no means am I saying that you should be supporting her financially. What I’m saying is that this is more complex than a lapse in character.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/opioid-addiction-is-a-huge-problem-but-pain-prescriptions-are-not-the-cause/

Oh get over yourself. I'm sure some addicts had traumatic backgrounds but so many are overly-coddled, hedonistic over-grown children. Stop romanticizing these losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why should OP have to help her in-laws when they put themselves in a financial black hole because of DH's sister's drug habit?

OP here - This is my exact stance. Why should my ability to help or not help have anything to do with it? I haven’t been working hard all this time to put it in their pockets. I come from an abusive family and could have used that as an excuse to be running around doing drugs too. Instead, I built a financial future for myself working long hours. Why should I be deprived of what I have earned because other people refuse to work hard and make good choices?

I agree with this entirely. But I think you need to tell them that. One time, one person (your DH, preferably, or you if he won't) needs to have a direct, respectful conversation with them. "ILs, we know you have hinted that that you may need financial help in the future, and we know it's largely because of the money you've been throwing at SIL. We are not going to willing to subsidize that support." It's a tough conversation, but you owe it to them to make clear the consequences of their enabling SIL.

And be prepared to fight with your husband about this.