DH’s sister is an addict

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing - trying ot refocus him on why going to a program for relatives of addicts. DH, you agree what your parents are doing isn't working, right? So why not just at least go check out things that might work? It's not about tough love or hitting bottom or other silly phrases from the 80s. It's about developing strategies that help you, help us, help your parents deal with the reality. What are our real options here?


TBH, OP, I wonder if you might benefit from attending, if DH won't? It might give you some tools and tricks and language and framing for your own interactions with your husband, who appears enmeshed in the dysfunction.

Not the OP but I disagree with this suggestion. I don't see how it would benefit either of them. Let the druggie's parents deal with the addict. Addiction is, unlike cancer or a horrific accident, entirely preventable. The SIL could have avoided becoming a burden. She doesn't need her brother and his wife going to a program to learn about HER addiction. It's her problem and her problem only. What a bunch of codependents on this thread.

Oh, FFS. Going to Al-Anon to equip oneself is the exact opposite of being co-dependent. You are so ignorant.

OP doesn't need to equip herself with anything except an ironclad will preventing her ILs from having custody of her kids should she predecease them. You are a snowflake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing - trying ot refocus him on why going to a program for relatives of addicts. DH, you agree what your parents are doing isn't working, right? So why not just at least go check out things that might work? It's not about tough love or hitting bottom or other silly phrases from the 80s. It's about developing strategies that help you, help us, help your parents deal with the reality. What are our real options here?


TBH, OP, I wonder if you might benefit from attending, if DH won't? It might give you some tools and tricks and language and framing for your own interactions with your husband, who appears enmeshed in the dysfunction.

Not the OP but I disagree with this suggestion. I don't see how it would benefit either of them. Let the druggie's parents deal with the addict. Addiction is, unlike cancer or a horrific accident, entirely preventable. The SIL could have avoided becoming a burden. She doesn't need her brother and his wife going to a program to learn about HER addiction. It's her problem and her problem only. What a bunch of codependents on this thread.

Oh, FFS. Going to Al-Anon to equip oneself is the exact opposite of being co-dependent. You are so ignorant.

Agree with this pp. You don't go to Al-Anon to learn about the addict's disease. You go to learn about how to stop playing along with the addict and how to have a decent life in spite of things like in-laws and husbands wanting you to pay for the addict's problems. You go to learn how to say "no" to all that and also not obsess over the fact that your family thinks you've abandoned them. You go to learn how to keep the anger at the addict and the enablers from destroying you as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing - trying ot refocus him on why going to a program for relatives of addicts. DH, you agree what your parents are doing isn't working, right? So why not just at least go check out things that might work? It's not about tough love or hitting bottom or other silly phrases from the 80s. It's about developing strategies that help you, help us, help your parents deal with the reality. What are our real options here?


TBH, OP, I wonder if you might benefit from attending, if DH won't? It might give you some tools and tricks and language and framing for your own interactions with your husband, who appears enmeshed in the dysfunction.

Not the OP but I disagree with this suggestion. I don't see how it would benefit either of them. Let the druggie's parents deal with the addict. Addiction is, unlike cancer or a horrific accident, entirely preventable. The SIL could have avoided becoming a burden. She doesn't need her brother and his wife going to a program to learn about HER addiction. It's her problem and her problem only. What a bunch of codependents on this thread.

Oh, FFS. Going to Al-Anon to equip oneself is the exact opposite of being co-dependent. You are so ignorant.

Agree with this pp. You don't go to Al-Anon to learn about the addict's disease. You go to learn about how to stop playing along with the addict and how to have a decent life in spite of things like in-laws and husbands wanting you to pay for the addict's problems. You go to learn how to say "no" to all that and also not obsess over the fact that your family thinks you've abandoned them. You go to learn how to keep the anger at the addict and the enablers from destroying you as a person.

It's a waste of any non-addict's time.

[Anonymous]

I think some people don't know the difference between AA and Al Anon and NA and Naranon. Each meeting group is different but I have been to a couple of Naranon meetings and enablers get no sympathy. Which is why people are suggesting this for OP's DH or even for OP so she can start get her DH to get rid of his enabling behavior.

OP also should seek a post-nupitial agreement for her stock, which I recommend she put in a living trust with her children as beneficiaries and herself as sole trustee. I would put a lawyer or trusted friend, not DH, as successor trustee. This would make sure they are never in play for support of DH's parents or sisters. Putting this arrangement in motion might help shake DH from chosen obliviousness to the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

OP you can't re-focus his guilt towards a program? If the parents are worried about what will happen to your SIL after they die, presumably going to a program will help your DH be more prepared.

Yes, I was wondering the same thing - trying ot refocus him on why going to a program for relatives of addicts. DH, you agree what your parents are doing isn't working, right? So why not just at least go check out things that might work? It's not about tough love or hitting bottom or other silly phrases from the 80s. It's about developing strategies that help you, help us, help your parents deal with the reality. What are our real options here?


TBH, OP, I wonder if you might benefit from attending, if DH won't? It might give you some tools and tricks and language and framing for your own interactions with your husband, who appears enmeshed in the dysfunction.

Not the OP but I disagree with this suggestion. I don't see how it would benefit either of them. Let the druggie's parents deal with the addict. Addiction is, unlike cancer or a horrific accident, entirely preventable. The SIL could have avoided becoming a burden. She doesn't need her brother and his wife going to a program to learn about HER addiction. It's her problem and her problem only. What a bunch of codependents on this thread.

Oh, FFS. Going to Al-Anon to equip oneself is the exact opposite of being co-dependent. You are so ignorant.

Agree with this pp. You don't go to Al-Anon to learn about the addict's disease. You go to learn about how to stop playing along with the addict and how to have a decent life in spite of things like in-laws and husbands wanting you to pay for the addict's problems. You go to learn how to say "no" to all that and also not obsess over the fact that your family thinks you've abandoned them. You go to learn how to keep the anger at the addict and the enablers from destroying you as a person.

It's a waste of any non-addict's time.

Al-Anon isn't for addicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have tons of sympathy for victims of the opioid crisis. But, enabling is not helping. Close your wallet and avoid these situations.

OP here - the majority of opioid addicts got the drugs from friends and relatives, not doctors. I am not even sure why they deserve sympathy for self-induced addictions. Reality is hard to deal with and some people choose the easy way out.

Yes, you are very correct OP: opioid addicts by and large get their drugs from friends and relatives. AND there are definite precursors to this that set folks up for addiction. From Scientific American:
“If we want to reduce opioid addiction, we have to target the real risk factors for it: child trauma, mental illness and unemployment. Two thirds of people with opioid addictions have had at least one severely traumatic childhood experience, and the greater your exposure to different types of trauma, the higher the risk becomes. We need to help abused, neglected and otherwise traumatized children before they turn to drugs for self-medicatation when they hit their teens.”

I would invite you to try to set aside some of your anger and judgment. No one wakes up and decides to be an addict. Your husband and his sister grew up in the same household, but each of them had their own experience. I would bet my paycheck that there was trauma of some kind. Each of us can react to trauma in our own, different way.
By no means am I saying that you should be supporting her financially. What I’m saying is that this is more complex than a lapse in character.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/opioid-addiction-is-a-huge-problem-but-pain-prescriptions-are-not-the-cause/

Exactly this, OP. I think it might help you to speak with someone who deals with addiction on a regular basis. I am not saying that you should be responsible for the bad choices of other people (be that your SIL or MIL/FIL), but it could do you a world of good to get some perspective on how addiction really works. It would also be helpful for your husband to attend a session or two with you so you guys can come up with an agreed upon plan for going forward. Often it is necessary to draw hard and fast lines in the sand and tell addicts no, even when no means you are literally turning your back on them. There is a balance between helping someone and protecting yourself and your family, and that balance can be hard to achieve (especially when one spouse is the sibling of the addict). I firmly stand behind your stance on not letting her babysit, and I am not advocating for you to quietly continue paying for her meals. I only think that learning more about addiction could help you and your husband deal with this situation in a better way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give it a rest, PP. You must be an opioid addict looking for sympathy.

The lack of sympathy that you people show towards addicts is disgusting. And I'm not PP and I'm not an addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

OP here. If this is so, then your unrealistic advice makes sense. Easy to advocate unfailing “compassion” for those who don’t deserve it when you’re not the one being taken advantage of for years.

Among SIL’s greatest hits are stealing from elderly relatives and getting so high at my wedding that a bunch of relatives had to set aside their participation to restrain and take care of her. She also stole her mother’s wedding ring and blamed the house cleaner, who got arrested for it. She is awful.

OP, you're missing the point. No one is saying your SIL isn't awful. However, YOU are the one who is currently struggling with this. So people are suggesting things YOU can do to help yourself. Understanding addiction is not condoning or even sometimes forgiving an addict for what they've done. It's helping you appreciate the situation in a way that makes it easier for YOU to deal with. Once you understand how addicts operate, you and your husband will be better equipped to protect the two of you from your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Get a financial planner. They will make sure assets are protected, but more importantly, act as a neutral third party to make your DH realize the issues with his parents and SIL. Kind of like counseling, but not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have tons of sympathy for victims of the opioid crisis. But, enabling is not helping. Close your wallet and avoid these situations.

OP here - the majority of opioid addicts got the drugs from friends and relatives, not doctors. I am not even sure why they deserve sympathy for self-induced addictions. Reality is hard to deal with and some people choose the easy way out.

Yes, you are very correct OP: opioid addicts by and large get their drugs from friends and relatives. AND there are definite precursors to this that set folks up for addiction. From Scientific American:
“If we want to reduce opioid addiction, we have to target the real risk factors for it: child trauma, mental illness and unemployment. Two thirds of people with opioid addictions have had at least one severely traumatic childhood experience, and the greater your exposure to different types of trauma, the higher the risk becomes. We need to help abused, neglected and otherwise traumatized children before they turn to drugs for self-medicatation when they hit their teens.”

I would invite you to try to set aside some of your anger and judgment. No one wakes up and decides to be an addict. Your husband and his sister grew up in the same household, but each of them had their own experience. I would bet my paycheck that there was trauma of some kind. Each of us can react to trauma in our own, different way.
By no means am I saying that you should be supporting her financially. What I’m saying is that this is more complex than a lapse in character.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/opioid-addiction-is-a-huge-problem-but-pain-prescriptions-are-not-the-cause/

Oh get over yourself. I'm sure some addicts had traumatic backgrounds but so many are overly-coddled, hedonistic over-grown children. Stop romanticizing these losers.

Neither one of you is right. Most opioid addicts were prescribed medications by licensed MDs and became addicted before they realized what was happening, then were supplied by other relatives until their habit got too large, then began doctor shopping and finally street drugs. The US still uses three X the opioids of any other first world nation. Once addicted there are very few solutions that work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

+1

Also, I don't find OP particularly angry at all. She's very firm in her stance to not support SIL or the ILs in her addiction and horrible behavior (stealing, lying, and getting other people arrested for her crimes!).

Karma will get all the ignorant PPs who are high and mighty about "supporting" the addict.

And karma will get the people like you who think you're so much better than everyone else.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you in control of your family's finances? If not, you need to be. It would certainly be a betrayal, but I would not be surprised if you husband tries to start slipping his parents and sister money without your knowledge.

You clearly don't like your in-laws or your sister and I can completely see why. I suggest that YOU speak directly to your in-laws the next time they hint about financial support. Just do a "you know, I need to clear the air about something so that we are all crystal clear about expectations. My children are my priority, when it comes to financial planning. Providing support to you and your daughter is not in the cards for us."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

OP here. If this is so, then your unrealistic advice makes sense. Easy to advocate unfailing “compassion” for those who don’t deserve it when you’re not the one being taken advantage of for years.

Among SIL’s greatest hits are stealing from elderly relatives and getting so high at my wedding that a bunch of relatives had to set aside their participation to restrain and take care of her. She also stole her mother’s wedding ring and blamed the house cleaner, who got arrested for it. She is awful.

OP, you're missing the point. No one is saying your SIL isn't awful. However, YOU are the one who is currently struggling with this. So people are suggesting things YOU can do to help yourself. Understanding addiction is not condoning or even sometimes forgiving an addict for what they've done. It's helping you appreciate the situation in a way that makes it easier for YOU to deal with. Once you understand how addicts operate, you and your husband will be better equipped to protect the two of you from your SIL.

I guess I fail to see how understanding addiction will help OP. She's not struggling because her in laws want sympathy and she doesn't want to give it, but rather because they are constantly pressuring her for money so that they can funnel it to the addict. She's already just fine with saying no, it seems. It's her husband who needs help coping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a rest, PP. You must be an opioid addict looking for sympathy.

The lack of sympathy that you people show towards addicts is disgusting. And I'm not PP and I'm not an addict.

Agree. The overuse of the word "druggie" tells me everything I need to know about the ignorant people posting here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do not have time for Al Anon and I am not inclined to make time. The thought of adding meetings to my work schedule when I am already pressed for time to spend with my kids makes me want to wring SIL’s neck even more. I need this woman not to take up even more of my time. But I will take the advice to tie up my assets so my in laws can never get their hands on them.