DH’s sister is an addict

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have tons of sympathy for victims of the opioid crisis. But, enabling is not helping. Close your wallet and avoid these situations.

OP here - the majority of opioid addicts got the drugs from friends and relatives, not doctors. I am not even sure why they deserve sympathy for self-induced addictions. Reality is hard to deal with and some people choose the easy way out.

Yes, you are very correct OP: opioid addicts by and large get their drugs from friends and relatives. AND there are definite precursors to this that set folks up for addiction. From Scientific American:
“If we want to reduce opioid addiction, we have to target the real risk factors for it: child trauma, mental illness and unemployment. Two thirds of people with opioid addictions have had at least one severely traumatic childhood experience, and the greater your exposure to different types of trauma, the higher the risk becomes. We need to help abused, neglected and otherwise traumatized children before they turn to drugs for self-medicatation when they hit their teens.”

I would invite you to try to set aside some of your anger and judgment. No one wakes up and decides to be an addict. Your husband and his sister grew up in the same household, but each of them had their own experience. I would bet my paycheck that there was trauma of some kind. Each of us can react to trauma in our own, different way.
By no means am I saying that you should be supporting her financially. What I’m saying is that this is more complex than a lapse in character.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/opioid-addiction-is-a-huge-problem-but-pain-prescriptions-are-not-the-cause/

Oh get over yourself. I'm sure some addicts had traumatic backgrounds but so many are overly-coddled, hedonistic over-grown children. Stop romanticizing these losers.

+1. I can never get why addicts who didn't have any health problems want to do these things to themselves. It's one thing if it was some Baby Boomer who was recovering from surgery who got addicted to painkillers but all these supposedly young addicts who just experimented out of stupidity? No.

Did you even read the quoted article? Clearly not because your post shows a gross misunderstanding of what’s been going on.
Childhood trauma/abuse/mental illness untreated can lead to seeking out recreational drug/alcohol use as a teen to deal with aforementioned trauma/abuse/mental illness that then can lead to opioid addiction as a young adult.

The healthy person with no untreated trauma/abuse/mental illness has back surgery and is given opioids is HIGHLY unlikely to get addicted.
However the physically healthy young person may be just that, but have a whole host of mental health issues that are untreated. The likelihood of that seemingly “healthy” young person getting addicted to opioids with just a little bit of use is quite high.

You sound like a massive enabler/excuse maker. Why are you even on this thread? Do you want OP to start funneling money to her addict SIL through her in laws? Just cut your high horse BS already.

Where are you getting that from her post? She’s not recommending that OP support her SIL. I’m wondering if you are sock-puppeting.

Hey moron, do you even know what sock-puppeting means?

I wonder at all the posters urging OP to "understand" her SIL better or to have more sympathy for her. To what end? Addicts are takers, losers and selfish to the core. The more distance you can put between yourself and an addict, the better.

I suspect most of you posting these passive aggressive "addiction is complex" BS posts are yourselves codependent with addicts in your own lives, and you just can't stand that OP has such a healthy distance from her addict SIL.

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

Different poster than any of the above. But +1

[Anonymous]

Here’s my take having been in your shoes.

The dinner issue is petty. Annoying but petty. Families do things for each other like paying a share of the bill for dinner so that there can be family time.

The support issue is big and it was better for me to have my spouse and I figure it out before their was a crisis.

Even when a family member is a drug addict, as a sibling or parent you don’t stop loving them. You don’t stop wanting to be around them. You don’t stop seeing the good things about them. You don’t stop hoping things will get better. The disdain from others only served to change my feelings about those with disdain. It never changed my feelings about my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can understand addiction and its causes, not judge people for having one AND still not financially support them. Folks here are equating anything less than condemnation as meaning one is an enabler who wants to financially support the SIL.

OP is really angry and resentful. It’s unhealthy for her. Clearly it’s impacting her marriage as she and her husband struggle with this. If she can figure out a way to not judge the SIL and better understand why the addiction happens, she may feel less anger. It will not mean she is an enabler. It will not mean she should start giving financial support.

Maybe something like an Al-Anon group might help. I believe they’re for families who have addicts. OP and her husband could go. Then maybe other family members might go and realize they can’t keep enabling the sister.

+1. A cousin of mine had mental health issues from a young age, started running away at age 12, disappeared for a while at 18, and showed up a few years later pregnant and addicted to cocaine. Becoming a mother finally helped her kick the habit but of course the drugs messed up her kid pretty good. Watching my aunt and uncle deal with it, and the effects on their family (3 other children), was tough. I have a lot of sympathy for situations like this. That does not mean giving money, however, unless it's to something productive like a treatment center.

That said, I don't see why it's so hard to subsidize the cost of the occasional meal out. Are you eating at super high end places? You can't contribute $15 for dinner once a month in the spirit of being nice? A little generosity of spirit and compassion wouldn't go amiss, it sounds like. Not everything has to be tallied to the exact number. We do this for a friend who is a special ed teacher and makes very little money. Yeah, we could take the view that if she doesn't earn enough to eat out at the places we like, she just can't join us. But we would rather be a bit generous and enjoy her company.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it a rest, PP. You must be an opioid addict looking for sympathy.

What is up with the Neanderthals on this thread?

+1

Op, first, I feel absolutely horrible for you husband. I can’t imagine being stuck in the middle of this.

If you have the means, I would offer to pay for an intensive treatment center or therapy. Once. Give her one hard core chance to get clean. Then I would do what pp said- ignore the small stuff if it otherwise doesn’t significantly affect your finances.

OP here. No offense, but you’re out of your head if you think I should pay the significant sums associated with rehab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

OP here. If this is so, then your unrealistic advice makes sense. Easy to advocate unfailing “compassion” for those who don’t deserve it when you’re not the one being taken advantage of for years.

Among SIL’s greatest hits are stealing from elderly relatives and getting so high at my wedding that a bunch of relatives had to set aside their participation to restrain and take care of her. She also stole her mother’s wedding ring and blamed the house cleaner, who got arrested for it. She is awful.

[Anonymous]

Addiction is complex. That doesn't mean things can't be done.

Tell your in-laws that if they take SIL in to their house, guard her while she does DIY detox (see Thomas Recipe to help) and drive her to daily NA, you will pay for monthly Vivitrol shots for a year or two, assuming she has no insurance.

At home detox for opioids is way better than medical detox because it is far more unpleasant, but not dangerous, and, thus, makes it way more likely she won't want to do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Addiction is complex. That doesn't mean things can't be done.

Tell your in-laws that if they take SIL in to their house, guard her while she does DIY detox (see Thomas Recipe to help) and drive her to daily NA, you will pay for monthly Vivitrol shots for a year or two, assuming she has no insurance.

At home detox for opioids is way better than medical detox because it is far more unpleasant, but not dangerous, and, thus, makes it way more likely she won't want to do it again.

OP here. I’m not sure how much more clear I can make it in this thread that I am not advancing any sums for SIL’s drug issues, whether for rehab or to support her lifestyle. This woman is perfectly fine as she is. Rehab has a near 100% failure rate for people who are willing, much less people who just want to be left alone with their drugs. As I said upthread, I am not working this hard to line the pockets of lazy people.

[Anonymous]

OP, what were you hoping to hear when you started this thread?

[Anonymous]

I could never turn my back on my sister or my child. I fell for OP’s in-laws and husband. Addiction is a horrific disease. Families support the weakest member all the time.

[Anonymous]

Are you the only earner in your marriage, OP? Why do you keep saying “my money”?

And if your husband loves his sister, your cold attitude is hurting him too. Talk to a therapist, OP. You could lose your husband over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Addiction is complex. That doesn't mean things can't be done.

Tell your in-laws that if they take SIL in to their house, guard her while she does DIY detox (see Thomas Recipe to help) and drive her to daily NA, you will pay for monthly Vivitrol shots for a year or two, assuming she has no insurance.

At home detox for opioids is way better than medical detox because it is far more unpleasant, but not dangerous, and, thus, makes it way more likely she won't want to do it again.

OP here. I’m not sure how much more clear I can make it in this thread that I am not advancing any sums for SIL’s drug issues, whether for rehab or to support her lifestyle. This woman is perfectly fine as she is. Rehab has a near 100% failure rate for people who are willing, much less people who just want to be left alone with their drugs. As I said upthread, I am not working this hard to line the pockets of lazy people.

Actually, studies show that court ordered (read unwilling) rehab stays are as successful as willing rehab stays. But rehabs don't have high success rates in general--maybe around 15% at best, lower for really hardened addicts. Most of them are really pretty scammy.

That is why I suggested at home detox (free), NA (free), and Vivitrol, (not free but opioids have no effect when you are on it so pretty much stops the habit with a much better success rate than rehab. If she has insurance, it will pay for the Vivitrol. If your in-laws stop paying for her apartment and make her live with them, they could well afford it if there is no insurance.

I hate to say this, but you sounded like a nicer person before this post, unless some of the let addicts die posts above were from you. There is a difference between supporting an addict and enabling one. It sounds like this is what your in-laws are doing. Yet, despite the fact they are asking you for financial help, you seem not to have had a hard discussion about her addiction.

She is your brother's sister. You might serve the relationship between your children and their grandparents better by trying to be part of the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what were you hoping to hear when you started this thread?

OP here. I wanted real life anecdotes from people who are or have been in similar situations. I did not want and am not interested in suggestions to sympathize and financially support an addict coming from posters who have never been in this position. I think the poster who doesn’t know any addicts and yet keeps posting links about how “complex” addiction is is being a twit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my take having been in your shoes.

The dinner issue is petty. Annoying but petty. Families do things for each other like paying a share of the bill for dinner so that there can be family time.

The support issue is big and it was better for me to have my spouse and I figure it out before their was a crisis.

Even when a family member is a drug addict, as a sibling or parent you don’t stop loving them. You don’t stop wanting to be around them. You don’t stop seeing the good things about them. You don’t stop hoping things will get better. The disdain from others only served to change my feelings about those with disdain. It never changed my feelings about my family.

OP here. There is more than enough disdain to go around, so I am not going to agonize over being disdained for not sympathizing with an addict who chose to throw her life away. I would like to hear how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could never turn my back on my sister or my child. I fell for OP’s in-laws and husband. Addiction is a horrific disease. Families support the weakest member all the time.

OP here. This kind of attitude is how families end up with addicts to coddle. From her childhood, they made excuses for her and justified their enabling of her selfishness and laziness with the same rationale you offer here: She’s weak/hurt/young/whatever. And a selfish lazy child with childish problems grew into a selfish lazy adult with problems of epic proportions. If you are an enabler who can’t make tough decisions, there is always an excuse to enable others.

[Anonymous]

Move? Move far enough away to only have to visit once or twice a year. Get some distance from the situation.