DH’s sister is an addict

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my take having been in your shoes.

The dinner issue is petty. Annoying but petty. Families do things for each other like paying a share of the bill for dinner so that there can be family time.

The support issue is big and it was better for me to have my spouse and I figure it out before their was a crisis.

Even when a family member is a drug addict, as a sibling or parent you don’t stop loving them. You don’t stop wanting to be around them. You don’t stop seeing the good things about them. You don’t stop hoping things will get better. The disdain from others only served to change my feelings about those with disdain. It never changed my feelings about my family.

OP here. There is more than enough disdain to go around, so I am not going to agonize over being disdained for not sympathizing with an addict who chose to throw her life away. I would like to hear how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis.

Interesting you said "chose to throw her life away" as though there is no possible redemption for her. Addicts do recover all the time, many without benefit of rehab. Family, or someone who acts like family, stepping in with real help, not enabling, is almost always the way it happens, together, often, with lots of NA.

Your in-laws are enabling and expecting you to do the same. You need to have a heart to heart discussion with them about it and tell them you will not participate in enabling. They could really benefit from some Naranon meetings and you or your DH should offer to take them.

From there the steps are clear. What is it about your background that has you jump to writing off a human being, especially one to whom you are related, instead of a more constructive and human approach?

Oh, and yes, I have been there and done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Interesting you said "chose to throw her life away" as though there is no possible redemption for her. Addicts do recover all the time, many without benefit of rehab. Family, or someone who acts like family, stepping in with real help, not enabling, is almost always the way it happens, together, often, with lots of NA.

Your in-laws are enabling and expecting you to do the same. You need to have a heart to heart discussion with them about it and tell them you will not participate in enabling. They could really benefit from some Naranon meetings and you or your DH should offer to take them.

From there the steps are clear. What is it about your background that has you jump to writing off a human being, especially one to whom you are related, instead of a more constructive and human approach?

Oh, and yes, I have been there and done that.

OP here. I asked you how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis. You responded with more rambling about what a saint you are for putting the addict in law back together. Clearly, you want kudos. So, applause, applause, applause. Take a bow. I am not taking what little free time I have in my life after handling my responsibilities and problems to fight the addiction battle for SIL AND fight the denial battle for MIL/FIL. If that makes me a bad person, I’ll be bad every day of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could never turn my back on my sister or my child. I fell for OP’s in-laws and husband. Addiction is a horrific disease. Families support the weakest member all the time.

OP here. This kind of attitude is how families end up with addicts to coddle. From her childhood, they made excuses for her and justified their enabling of her selfishness and laziness with the same rationale you offer here: She’s weak/hurt/young/whatever. And a selfish lazy child with childish problems grew into a selfish lazy adult with problems of epic proportions. If you are an enabler who can’t make tough decisions, there is always an excuse to enable others.

You sound very angry and one wonders why. How do you know so much about SIL's childhood unless you grew up with her?

Yes, the in-laws are enablers and you and DH need to have a hard talk about that. But you presume to much to believe that coddling, in and of itself, leads to addiction. There are many ways someone can end up an addict, but that isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Interesting you said "chose to throw her life away" as though there is no possible redemption for her. Addicts do recover all the time, many without benefit of rehab. Family, or someone who acts like family, stepping in with real help, not enabling, is almost always the way it happens, together, often, with lots of NA.

Your in-laws are enabling and expecting you to do the same. You need to have a heart to heart discussion with them about it and tell them you will not participate in enabling. They could really benefit from some Naranon meetings and you or your DH should offer to take them.

From there the steps are clear. What is it about your background that has you jump to writing off a human being, especially one to whom you are related, instead of a more constructive and human approach?

Oh, and yes, I have been there and done that.

OP here. I asked you how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis. You responded with more rambling about what a saint you are for putting the addict in law back together. Clearly, you want kudos. So, applause, applause, applause. Take a bow. I am not taking what little free time I have in my life after handling my responsibilities and problems to fight the addiction battle for SIL AND fight the denial battle for MIL/FIL. If that makes me a bad person, I’ll be bad every day of my life.

Again, so angry. Sounds like you have a long history of disagreements with the in laws and really don't like them for a host of other reasons.

You do not support SIL financially and you tell the in laws--better, DH tells his parents, that you will not enable her addiction by supporting her financially. In the kindest possible way, DH or you point out that their enabling is just getting her stuck further and further into the spiral of addiction. You tell them they need to hear from others who have been in this situation by going to Naranon. DH should offer to take them.

I also notice that you haven't said much about your DH. Is it because you keep complaining to him about the money--or your money as you seem to have it. Of course he would get very defensive about that approach--this is his sister, after all, and your reducing it all down to your money is going to sound cold and like an attack on him.

Take a different tack that shows some concern for SIL--his goal surely is to get her out of addiction, and giving her money to continue is not doing her any favors. Suggest he go to Naranon if he needs a reality check.

[Anonymous]

What is your husband's position on his sister? Is his head in the sandvtoo like his,parents?

[Anonymous]

OP-calling people twits is really uncalled for as is the sarcasm in your 13:32 post. Posters seem to be offering advice with good intentions. When you post on a board like this, readers don’t have all the background you have. They’re doing the best they can with the information they have.

Sorry you’re in a place where you feel it’s okay to be rude. I hope you can find some peace and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Interesting you said "chose to throw her life away" as though there is no possible redemption for her. Addicts do recover all the time, many without benefit of rehab. Family, or someone who acts like family, stepping in with real help, not enabling, is almost always the way it happens, together, often, with lots of NA.

Your in-laws are enabling and expecting you to do the same. You need to have a heart to heart discussion with them about it and tell them you will not participate in enabling. They could really benefit from some Naranon meetings and you or your DH should offer to take them.

From there the steps are clear. What is it about your background that has you jump to writing off a human being, especially one to whom you are related, instead of a more constructive and human approach?

Oh, and yes, I have been there and done that.

OP here. I asked you how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis. You responded with more rambling about what a saint you are for putting the addict in law back together. Clearly, you want kudos. So, applause, applause, applause. Take a bow. I am not taking what little free time I have in my life after handling my responsibilities and problems to fight the addiction battle for SIL AND fight the denial battle for MIL/FIL. If that makes me a bad person, I’ll be bad every day of my life.

PP here. That is not me that you are responding to. I am certainly no saint but your reaction is over the top, along with your pettiness about sharing the cost of a family dinner.

But to answer your question, years ago before it was a crisis, we figured out what we were willing to do. Along with another sibling, we set my brother up in a house that we bought in an area where he should have been able to make it work. It wasn’t great but it seemed like it should work. Then we moved on. Unfortunately things imploded for my brother and then another sibling developed substance abuse issues. We stayed involved and paid for our share of family events. But we never went back on our decision about support.

Now, I will say that if either of my siblings had ever become homeless, we would have re-evaluated. I don’t think I could live with myself if we could prevent my brother from living under a bridge. One brother has since died from an overdose (which was one of my most painful life experiences) and someday we may find ourselves having to figure out whether we decide to contribute to my other brother. Thing is for us is that while we aren’t willing to care for my brother until there is a crisis, we are not the sort of people who will walk away from our family if we have the ability to prevent a catastrophe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could never turn my back on my sister or my child. I fell for OP’s in-laws and husband. Addiction is a horrific disease. Families support the weakest member all the time.

OP here. This kind of attitude is how families end up with addicts to coddle. From her childhood, they made excuses for her and justified their enabling of her selfishness and laziness with the same rationale you offer here: She’s weak/hurt/young/whatever. And a selfish lazy child with childish problems grew into a selfish lazy adult with problems of epic proportions. If you are an enabler who can’t make tough decisions, there is always an excuse to enable others.

You are going to lose your husband, OP. Take it down a notch or twenty. This is his sister and his family you are bad mouthing and he is one of them - not one of you. Don't forget that. Your husband is more like the diatribe you just unloaded above than he is like you.

You know what you want and I have no clue how to help you but to tell you to lighten the judgement if you want to keep your family together. You say all the above to your husband and his sister kills herself - then you will not be forgiven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-calling people twits is really uncalled for as is the sarcasm in your 13:32 post. Posters seem to be offering advice with good intentions. When you post on a board like this, readers don’t have all the background you have. They’re doing the best they can with the information they have.

Sorry you’re in a place where you feel it’s okay to be rude. I hope you can find some peace and happiness.

+1 OP has more issues within herself than she realizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could never turn my back on my sister or my child. I fell for OP’s in-laws and husband. Addiction is a horrific disease. Families support the weakest member all the time.

OP here. This kind of attitude is how families end up with addicts to coddle. From her childhood, they made excuses for her and justified their enabling of her selfishness and laziness with the same rationale you offer here: She’s weak/hurt/young/whatever. And a selfish lazy child with childish problems grew into a selfish lazy adult with problems of epic proportions. If you are an enabler who can’t make tough decisions, there is always an excuse to enable others.

You are going to lose your husband, OP. Take it down a notch or twenty. This is his sister and his family you are bad mouthing and he is one of them - not one of you. Don't forget that. Your husband is more like the diatribe you just unloaded above than he is like you.

You know what you want and I have no clue how to help you but to tell you to lighten the judgement if you want to keep your family together. You say all the above to your husband and his sister kills herself - then you will not be forgiven.

THIS! Help your husband in all this and stop your petty bullshit, OP. This is his sister!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-calling people twits is really uncalled for as is the sarcasm in your 13:32 post. Posters seem to be offering advice with good intentions. When you post on a board like this, readers don’t have all the background you have. They’re doing the best they can with the information they have.

Sorry you’re in a place where you feel it’s okay to be rude. I hope you can find some peace and happiness.

+ (another) 1

[Anonymous]

I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Interesting you said "chose to throw her life away" as though there is no possible redemption for her. Addicts do recover all the time, many without benefit of rehab. Family, or someone who acts like family, stepping in with real help, not enabling, is almost always the way it happens, together, often, with lots of NA.

Your in-laws are enabling and expecting you to do the same. You need to have a heart to heart discussion with them about it and tell them you will not participate in enabling. They could really benefit from some Naranon meetings and you or your DH should offer to take them.

From there the steps are clear. What is it about your background that has you jump to writing off a human being, especially one to whom you are related, instead of a more constructive and human approach?

Oh, and yes, I have been there and done that.

OP here. I asked you how you and your spouse navigated the issue of financially supporting the addict and the relatives enabling him/her before there was a crisis. You responded with more rambling about what a saint you are for putting the addict in law back together. Clearly, you want kudos. So, applause, applause, applause. Take a bow. I am not taking what little free time I have in my life after handling my responsibilities and problems to fight the addiction battle for SIL AND fight the denial battle for MIL/FIL. If that makes me a bad person, I’ll be bad every day of my life.

PP here. That is not me that you are responding to. I am certainly no saint but your reaction is over the top, along with your pettiness about sharing the cost of a family dinner.

But to answer your question, years ago before it was a crisis, we figured out what we were willing to do. Along with another sibling, we set my brother up in a house that we bought in an area where he should have been able to make it work. It wasn’t great but it seemed like it should work. Then we moved on. Unfortunately things imploded for my brother and then another sibling developed substance abuse issues. We stayed involved and paid for our share of family events. But we never went back on our decision about support.

Now, I will say that if either of my siblings had ever become homeless, we would have re-evaluated. I don’t think I could live with myself if we could prevent my brother from living under a bridge. One brother has since died from an overdose (which was one of my most painful life experiences) and someday we may find ourselves having to figure out whether we decide to contribute to my other brother. Thing is for us is that while we aren’t willing to care for my brother until there is a crisis, we are not the sort of people who will walk away from our family if we have the ability to prevent a catastrophe.

Your siblings are addicts and you’re an enabler/codependent. Not one healthy one among you. You all must have had a really messed up childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m stunned people don’t get OP’s anger. Have any of you read the whole thread? I’d be mad as hell dealing with what OP is going through.

Someone stealing, showing up high to family hangouts, mooching off elderly parents? OP is better than me because I would have told DH’s sis off in person.

Being asked to go through this hell for a sibling is NOT the same as for an inlaw you’ve never liked.

I get where she is mad, but she does it over petty things that don't make a difference like splitting the bill at dinner and in other ways makes it all about her money.

This isn't the way to address the problem. She needs to talk to her DH constructively and have him talk to his parents about ending the enabling.

And this has to be framed in terms of doing what will help the sister in the long run, not about OP's pocketbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

OP here. If this is so, then your unrealistic advice makes sense. Easy to advocate unfailing “compassion” for those who don’t deserve it when you’re not the one being taken advantage of for years.

Among SIL’s greatest hits are stealing from elderly relatives and getting so high at my wedding that a bunch of relatives had to set aside their participation to restrain and take care of her. She also stole her mother’s wedding ring and blamed the house cleaner, who got arrested for it. She is awful.

+1

It's easy to lecture "compassion" from her high horse just like it's easy to be generous with other people's money. Don't listen to these codependent idiots. Hold firm against the addict and all her enablers.