Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is like you but actually left his girlfriend and kid to pursue his dream life. He travels, lives in different countries, parties, sleeps around with beautiful women. Sees his kid maybe twice a year. Makes good money and has total freedom.

Guess what, he’s still unhappy. He’s unhappy that he can’t find a decent woman who will commit to him. His unhappy that he can’t settle down. He’s unhappy with work. He’s unhappy that his kid is now a teen and wants nothing to do with him. He always thinks that if he just finds the right job, or moves to the right country, or finds the right woman, he will finally find happiness. It’s been going on for 15 years.

Your problem is within.

[Anonymous]

Yes it does make you sound like a jerk. You don't know what you have until it's gone.

From what I read, it sounds like you DO have a lot of me-time, but your wife doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there specific things she does that make you feel like you’d be happier without her? Or is that just the fantasy of something different?

There's really nothing she does, aside from the normal annoyances of living with someone, so the desire to be single is simply to relieve the claustrophobic/trapped feeling I keep getting.

If I were to get into another relationship I'm 99% sure I would go through the same thing with someone else, which is why I don't ever think I'd necessarily be happy with someone else.

My wife meets 90% of my needs; the only thing lacking is conversation. I'd love to discuss science, politics, religion, current affairs, with her, but she's just not that way inclined and those subjects don't interest her.

We used to talk before we had children, I can't remember what about, but I imagine the kids leaving home in 10-20 years and not having anything in common or to talk about.

Oh, poor you.

Grow up, OP. Your wife is not around just to "meet your needs."

Why don't you trouble your pretty little head to figure out something she would be interested in having "conversation" about?

[Anonymous]

There is always going to be someone new and refreshing. But once you start the daily grind and paying the bills you get the real person. Read "The Urban Monk"--work from within. How do you want to be remembered when you die? Good father? Or good lay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is like you but actually left his girlfriend and kid to pursue his dream life. He travels, lives in different countries, parties, sleeps around with beautiful women. Sees his kid maybe twice a year. Makes good money and has total freedom.

Guess what, he’s still unhappy. He’s unhappy that he can’t find a decent woman who will commit to him. His unhappy that he can’t settle down. He’s unhappy with work. He’s unhappy that his kid is now a teen and wants nothing to do with him. He always thinks that if he just finds the right job, or moves to the right country, or finds the right woman, he will finally find happiness. It’s been going on for 15 years.

Your problem is within.

I understand reality never meets the expectations of fantasy.

I still have to be the same person, no matter if my scenery changes.

[Anonymous]

STFU

[Anonymous]

OP, you are very focused on you. Start thinking about how you can make other people happier, and I bet you start to feel better. Start with your wife and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So yours is a shotgun marriage? Am I right? No wonder you feel stuck. If you say you don't have a spark for her, it's because you never did. Nothing complicated.

Not quite, we're not religious or anything, so there was no shame in getting pregnant. I just wanted to give her the stability by promising to marry her. We didn't marry until two years later.

Sometimes it's better to be religious. Accept your wife as God's gift or chosen one for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel trapped being with your wife. So what I wonder is, what does being married prevent you from doing that you'd like to do? In what ways does your wife hold you back?

Would you enjoy coming home to an empty house where nobody is happy to see you?
Would you enjoy having to cook ALL your own meals?
Would you enjoy seeing something funny on tv and having nobody to share it with?
Would you enjoy meeting minor surgery and not being able to count on your wife taking you home and making sure your recovery goes well?
Would you enjoy being sick and having to drag yourself out for tissues and soup and such?
Would you enjoy going to someone else's wedding without a date?

Companionship counts for a lot.

Companionship? Give a break. While these would be terrible reasons for him to blow up his marriage, they're also ridiculous reasons to be in a relationship.

Would you enjoy seeing something funny on tv and having nobody to share it with?
Would you enjoy having to cook ALL your own meals?
Would you enjoy being sick and having to drag yourself out for tissues and soup and such?
Would you enjoy going to someone else's wedding without a date?

lol, get real

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You feel trapped being with your wife. So what I wonder is, what does being married prevent you from doing that you'd like to do? In what ways does your wife hold you back?

She doesn't do anything to hold me back. The issues I have are self-imposed. I feel a lot of guilt all the time for being quite selfish and not fully engaging with my family enough, but perhaps I do the same or more than most people?

Otherwise really it's just the greener grass thing. There could be someone more engaging, prettier, funnier, smarter, taller, which I know makes me sound like a jerk.

So wait...is it (like you said earlier) that you think you'd just want to be single forever, or is it this?

[Anonymous]

You sound like me, except I'm female. I never felt settled until I met my husband. I walked out on two marriages because whenever I looked into the future, I felt nothing except panic at being with that person forever. I was single for a while and my husband now called me one day and asked me out. We had known each other for years but had rarely talked and were just casual friends. After a couple of months of talking, I suddenly just realized that I actually loved him. We've been married almost 8 years now, and it still feels like a honeymoon to us. I can imagine him being mine forever. This totally shocks me because of my history, but it's a wonderful feeling! My advice is to divorce, OP, because staying only causes resentment. You are searching, and you won't find it in your marriage. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Ok, no vitriol from me becaue you're just being honest, and I think a lot of us feel like this sometimes. I can also relate to experiencing bouts of depression where you just look around at your life and think everything is so great, why am I still struggling so much in my mind? But if I can put some things in perspective for you:

-You have a job that you truly love / feel passionate about
-You have 3 kids, but you get to go the gym every day
-Money (ie lack thereof) is not an issue
-Your wife loves you and you guys have good communication (this is huge)
-You have a good sex life with your wife (also huge, and not exactly super common either)
-Your wife understands you and is willing to put up with the REGULAR bouts of anxiety/depression you go through (please do not underestimate how big this is. I'm sure you are no peach to deal with when you're deeply unhappy and can't get out of your head - I'm sure on some level you recognize this)

I'm sure there are other things that, if you looked around and took honest stock, you would add to this list. Nobody gets it perfect; there are tradeoffs in everything. But I hope you're able to see that in many many ways...you've got it really good. I say this not to make you feel guilt(ier), but just to offer an outside perspective - not many people can check all of the above off, please know that you're really blessed

I hope everyone else who has made comments about the fact that this problem would follow you regardless of where you were / who you were with have gotten through - I know from a rational pov you know that's true. I'm not sure if you're willing to give it a try, but have you ever talked to a counselor? I'm not saying you have to become a person who is in going to therapy for life, but I think a few sessions could maybe help you sort out the turmoil in your head

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like me, except I'm female. I never felt settled until I met my husband. I walked out on two marriages because whenever I looked into the future, I felt nothing except panic at being with that person forever. I was single for a while and my husband now called me one day and asked me out. We had known each other for years but had rarely talked and were just casual friends. After a couple of months of talking, I suddenly just realized that I actually loved him. We've been married almost 8 years now, and it still feels like a honeymoon to us. I can imagine him being mine forever. This totally shocks me because of my history, but it's a wonderful feeling! My advice is to divorce, OP, because staying only causes resentment. You are searching, and you won't find it in your marriage. Trust me.

Do you have children together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No criticism from me.

You sound very honest, self aware, reflective, and oddly caring despite your selfishness. It’s refreshing. I think more people than you think feel like this.

This.

Instead of thinking you are a special snowflake who feels these unique feelings, please realize that many people feel this way at some point (or always). And most people aren't medicated.

Who doesn't dream of moving to Europe and being single? Everyone has those moments.

But then we put on our big girl pants and schlep to our soul crushing job and return to our homes where we do the mundane but responsible things we need to get done for our family. That's what grown ups do.

If you want to be a selfish prick and abandon your 3 kids and the woman you married, you can do it...but given your mental health issues and obvious Beta male tendencies I promise you won't be magically happy. You are who you are, and you will feel exactly the same even if you're living single abroad. The only difference will be that everyone will hate you: your ex, your kids, your folks and your friends. They'll all think you are a crazy selfish prick.

Instead of wallowing in your misery, why not take steps to increase your happiness? And why not take steps to improve your marriage?

And here's my last ditch effort to knock some sense into you:

Who in their right mind will want to be with a mentally ill man who ditched his wife and three kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You feel trapped being with your wife. So what I wonder is, what does being married prevent you from doing that you'd like to do? In what ways does your wife hold you back?

She doesn't do anything to hold me back. The issues I have are self-imposed. I feel a lot of guilt all the time for being quite selfish and not fully engaging with my family enough, but perhaps I do the same or more than most people?

Otherwise really it's just the greener grass thing. There could be someone more engaging, prettier, funnier, smarter, taller, which I know makes me sound like a jerk.

You must remember that Depression lies. It's telling you you will be happier with some exciting, imaginary person but that is pure BS.

Make an effort to actually connect with your wife. You get plenty of Me Time but you need to have Couple Time too. And maybe she doesn't have time to read up on international relations or whatever you want to have conversations about because SHE IS BUSY AF running your household while you gaze at your navel.